Episode 2.3 - January
(C-Note: Thus spake the disclaimer...
"The competitions depicted on this program were
supervised by trained professionals. Do not attempt to imitate any of these
"Distraction" is back in full effect, and Jimmy
is about to bring the hurt. Eager young hopefuls meet here to have their spirits
(and maybe their brains) broken. ...Let's meet the contestants!
- Who has two birthdays? It's Nicole, who
was born in Argentina and later adopted.
- Who knocked himself out with beer? It's Zak, who thought he was the
Iron Sheik. He isn't.
- Who has a tattoo of a penis? That would be Carrie, who pissed off her artist.
- That leaves Ausby who lied about his age, because the girl was much
Round 1: Hot Shots. The players buzz in by
drinking familiar shots of hot sauce. Questions about hot people this time
1) What leggy blonde has had Ben Stiller's semen
in her hair and Justin Timberlake's... Zak: Carmen Diaz? Wrong. It's Cameron
2) Which half of Bennifer starred in Selena? That's Carrie.
"J-Lo! Jennifer Lopez." Right.
3) Name the Spanish actor who married Melanie Griffith when she was hot?
That's Zak... "Antonio Banderas." Right.
4) Name the T-Mobile spokesperson who squeezed out two kids with the ancient
Michael Douglas? Nicole: "Catherine Zeta-Jones." Right.
5) Name the hard-drinking Irish actor who starred in the cinematic trash heaps
"Alexander" and "SWAT". That's Carrie... "Colin Farrell." Right!
6) Name the supermodel who's so hot that her husband Seal doesn't mind her
annoying German accent. Carrie, again? "Heidi Klum!" Right!
7) Name the actress who played the plaintiff while divorcing Ethan Hawke and the
Bride in "Kill Bill". Zak? "Uma Thurman." Got it.
8) Name the "Vanilla Sky" actress who played the role of Tom Cruise's... Nicole? "Penelope
9) Name the ex-wife of Billy Bob Thornton who keeps adopting... Carrie? "Angelina
10) Who played the dreamy Bruce Wayne on "Batman & Robin" and the dreamy doctor
on "ER? Zak? "George Clooney." Right!
After all that, Ausby didn't answer a single
question right. But at least he'll have assburns for a week!
Round 2: Catapult Buzzers Part 2. Again,
more catapults, more disgusting crap in pie tins. Questions this time are about
bad movies... Flops?
1) What atrocious 2004 film about a woman who
takes on female traits... Nicole? "Catwoman". Correct.
2) Name the miserable film with Jerry O'Connell and Anthony Anderson...
Zak? "Kangaroo Jack!" Correct.
3) Demi Moore starred as a single mom... ? Zak? "Striptease." Right.
4) Name the lesbian talk show host who ironically starred in "Mr. Wrong". Carrie? "Ellen."
We'll take it.
5) Name the film in which two Wayans Bros. go undercover as two Caucasian
sisters... Nicole? "White Chicks." Right.
6) Who played The Cat in the big budget flop, "The Cat in the Hat"? Carrie? "Mike
7) What white rapper tried acting and failed miserably in the 1991... Zak? "Eminem."
No, he was actually good. We were going for Vanilla Ice.
8) Name the mullet-sporting actor who starred as the head bouncer in Roadhouse?
Nicole: "Patrick Swayze" Right.
9) Who played annoying "Little Nicky..." Zak? "Adam Sandler?" Right.
After that, Nicole and Zak are tied at 3 to
Carrie's 2. Looks like it's time for you to clean up... just not in the way you
Round 3: Stall Tactics. Only
one player will have the chance at a new car. That'll be decided on the
Distraction urinal buzzers. Questions here are on famous families. First to four wins a new car.
Let's play Distraction.
1) Barbara, Laura, Neil, Jeb? Nicole? "Bush."
Nicole leads 1-0.
2) Muhammad, Salem, Baka, Osama... Zak: "Bin Laden." Tie game.
3) Rick, Kathy, Nicky, Paris... Zak? "Hilton!" Zak leads, 2-1.
4) John, Sean, Julian... Zak? "Lennon." Right to lead, 3-1.
5) Marlon, Shawn, Damon, Keenen... Zak to win? "Wayans!" He wins!
The Final Round: Revenge. Zak wins a new
2006 Volkswagen New Beetle! But how will he take it home? He has 20 seconds to
answer three questions. He does that, he takes home the car in pristine
condition. If not, then unspeakable horrors courtesy Ausby, Carrie, and Nicole.
Time starts after Jimmy finishes asking his first
1) What tool does the farmer hold in the Grant
Wood painting "American Gothic?" Pitchfork is in and right... Still has 19 to
2) Name the first, second, and fourth planets
from the sun. Mercury, Venus, Mars. Still plenty of time.
3) Name four Ivy League universities. Zak gets
Harvard, Yale, Colgate, and Dartmouth... Not right. And there's the bell! Here's
Aubrey with the spray paint. "Princeton!" And stop the spray paint! Zak's taking
home a brand new car, mint condition... God was that ever close. Jimmy acts as
if this was the first time it's ever happened, when in reality, it's happened at
least once before, in season 1.
Next week, something gets trashed, we hope. Good