Episode 2.1 - January 10
(C-Note: Thus spake the disclaimer...
"The competitions depicted on this program were
supervised by trained professionals. Do not attempt to imitate any of these
"Distraction" is back in full effect, and Jimmy
is about to bring the hurt. "Obviously, I'm worried about my grandmother. If she
falls and she's all alone, does she make a sound? I'm joking, of course... She's
dead." ...Let's meet the contestants!
- Who had sex for the first time after 9/11
because they were scared she would die a virgin? It's Amy, who says that
a guy would have to be pretty creepy to do that. "We were in Canada. Those
Canadians can get pretty wild
- Who says their biggest fear is being married to the wrong person? It's Ty,
who is worried about someone taking half of his (^_^).
- Who was a bitch for celebrities? It's David. He is an errand boy for a
- That leaves Jennifer who got a paper cut on her left nipple... no, not
really. She's a teacher who trained for a week and likes to play bingo. That
last fact is relevant.
Round 1: Collared Green. The players are
dog-collared so that when they buzz in, they get a nasty, yet slight, electric
shock. We're working on famous dogs today.
1) What is the name of Snoopy's brother, who
basically is Snoopy with a black moustache and a hat? Time. It's Spike.
2) Jack Black kicks a dog off of a bridge in what movie? That's David.
3) Name the heartwarming 1957 film where a boy adopts a dog and then shoots him.
That's Jennifer... "(squeal) Old Yeller." Right.
4) Who played Turner in the 1989 classic "Turner & Hooch"? David? "Tom
5) What is Scooby-Doo's annoying little nephew named? That's Amy... "Scrapppy
At this point, Jimmy ups the ante and starts
shocking everyone for the hell of it.
6) What is the name for the trenchcoat wearing canine that asks... Jennifer? "McGruff!" Right!
7) Name the annoying cigar-smoking dog featured on "Late Night with Conan
O'Brien". No one. It's Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog.
8) What fast-food restaurant featured a hard-ass talking Chihuahua in their
commercials, David? "TaaAco Bell." Right.
9) Astro was the dog... Ty? "Jetsons." Right.
10) Name the 1955 animated film in which a streetwise mutt tries to mount an
uptown cocker spaniel? Amy? "Lady and the Tramp." Right!
After all that, David has three to Amy and
Jennifer's two. Ty with one bolts.
Round 2: Got My Python Hollering for Mercy.
Dressed only in their skivvies, the remaining players are going to have their
pants loaded with snakes that are non-poisonous.. we think. Category: guys who
can't keep it in their pants.
1) What star of "The Talented Mr. Ripley"... Amy? "Jude
2) What horny director of "Crimes & Misdemeanors" was thinking with his snake
when he screwed his wife's adopted Korean daughter? Jennifer? "Woody Allen." Correct.
3) Name the Communist leader who ruled China from... ? David? "Mao Tse-Tung."
4) Name the actor who starred in "Frankenpenis" after his wife infamous chopped
off his penis? Amy? "John Wayne Bobbitt." Correct.
5) Which star of "Two and a Half Men"... David? "Charlie Sheen." Right.
6) Which President invaded the Bay of Pigs as well as Hollywood stars like
Marilyn Monroe? Jennifer? "John F. Kennedy." Right!
7) Name the former leader singer of the Smiths who sang... Jennifer again? "Morrissey."
And that's it. Looks like the ladies are sticking
around, as Jennifer has 4 and Amy has 2. David with one needs to slither on out.
Round 3: Distraction Disfigurement. Only
one player will have the chance at a new car. That'll be decided on what looks
to be the Soul Train board... but it's actually a board for answers. Where are
the answers? On two strange smelly nudists. Jimmy's words, not mine. After Jimmy
asks the question, you have to run to your nudist partner, pull the answer off
of them with your mouth, and post it on the board. First to four wins a new car.
Let's play Distraction.
1) What is the capital of Thailand? Jennifer is
right with Bangkok. She leads 1-0.
2) What is the nickname of Minneapolis & St. Paul, MN?... Bobby? Jennifer is
right again with the Twin Cities. She leads, 2-0.
3) What English clock tower is known by the name of its enormous bell? Amy's
back first with Big Ben. Jennifer still leads, 2-1.
Easy? Perhaps. Time for the glasses! Now they
can't see a damn thing.
4) What landmark was first reached by Admiral Perry in 1909? Jennifer is back
with the North Pole. She leads it, 3-1.
5) What mountain is the longest feature of a 14-mile mountain range in Wyoming?
Jennifer wins it with Grand Teton! Jennifer, for all her pain and humiliation,
has won a 2006 Ford Mustang! IF she can get it all home in one piece...
The Final Round: Revenge. Ty, Amy, and
David return to lay ruin to the new car, as Jennifer will have only 20 seconds
to answer three questions without having any special... erm... detail done to
it. After that, it's free reign for all losers! Ty has two cans of spray paint.
David has a sander. Amy... a sledge.
Time starts after Jimmy finishes asking his first
1) Name five countries that belong to the G8 (or
the Group of Eight Nations). She gets England, France, Germany... and then
passes... At this point: the 20 seconds are moot.
2) What does the acronym SCUBA stand for? She
3) Name three US space shuttles. She gets the
Challenger, Columbia, and... Jimmy: "Underwater city." Atlantis!
1) Name five countries that belong to the G8 (or
the Group of Eight Nations). She gets England, France, Germany... US... Canada.
With Jimmy's help, she gets two, but not before the car is mangled into ...
well, not so much mangled as it is a bit bruised and saying "Bingo Sucks."
Second question, by the way, was "self-contained
underwater breathing apparatus." That's Distraction. That's a semi-used car...
Next week, we beat up something else for entertainment. Good night.