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Episode 2.1 - January 10
(C-Note: Thus spake the disclaimer...
"The competitions depicted on this program were
supervised by trained professionals. Do not attempt to imitate any of these
activities... Ever.")
It's another season of hard questions and even
harder punishment. Welcome to "Distraction!" Back with you again is Jimmy Carr,
fresh off his stint as host of "8 out of 10 Cats." "Yes, we might hurt our
contestants, but we also like to inform about health issues. For example, ladies
if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could mean one of three things.
It could be a urinary tract infection. It could be a (^_^)fire. Or it could be
someone's talking about your vagina."
Before Jimmy is deported... again... let's meet
the contestants!
- Who can name the states in alphabetical order?
It's Lori, and she demonstrates. Breathe girl.
- Who can do the "Molly Ringwald Special?" It's Carrie, and she
demonstrates. A Molly Ringwald Special is the lipstick between the boobs, by the
way.
- Who got shot in the nuts with a paintball gun? It's Benjamin.
- That leaves Bobby who can talk backwards.
Round 1: The Double Dare Special. Your
buzzer is a catapult with a pie of "something unpleasant" armed. High scores
move on. Questions are all on men with beards.
1) What hairy faced author wrote "The Sun Also
Rises" That's Benjamin: "Ernest Hemingway, baby." Correct!
2) In what city did Abraham Lincoln give that old "four score and seven years
ago" speech? No one? It's Gettysburg, as Benjamin buzzes in for the hell of it.
Ketchup for nothing.
3) Shakespeare had a beard. What is the name of "Shakespeare in Love" star
Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter? That's Lori with the pie... "Apple." Right!
4) Who had a melting man beard as Jeremiah Johnson, but just a moustache as The
Sundance Kid? Bobby? "Robert Redford?" Right.
5) What self-obsessed actor played self-obsessed singer Jim Morrison in "The
Doors"? Lori, Bobby, and Benjamin are in, but it's Bobby's question... "Val
Kilmer." Right!
6) What couch-jumping love-struck megastar sports a beard in... Carrie? "Tom
Cruise!" Right!
7) What unshaven sentimentalist directed "Empire of the Sun" and "Minority
Report"? Bobby? "Steven Spielberg.' Correct.
8) What Dutch artist with a self-mutilated ear... Carrie? "Van Gogh." Right.
9) What sweater-faced genius invented the telephone? Benjamin? "Alexander Graham
Bell." Right...
After all that, Benjamin and Bobby are tied with
three, while Carrie has two. Lori only got one, but at least she got a free pie
out of the deal.
Round 2: A Real Pinch. Left brain will
answer questions about famous Marks. Right brain will affix clothespins to their
faces. Most pins gets five bonus points.
1) It's hard to keep track of J.Lo's husbands and
fiancees. To whom is she currently married? Bobby? "Marc Anthony". Correct.
2) Which actor played Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars? Bobby? "Mark
Hamill." Correct.
3) Which massive Mark plead the fifth regarding steroid use? Benjamin? "Mark
McGwire."
4) Which singer went from fronting a cheesy band Sugar Ray... Carrie? "Mark
Wahlberg." Nope, Mark McGrath.
5) Before the euro ruined everything, what was the former currency of Germany?
Carrie? "The deutschmark." Right.
6) The Oscar-nominated film "You Can Count On Me" starred what now semi-famous
actor? Carrie again? "Mark Ruffalo?" Right!
7) Whose book, "Das Kapital", greatly influenced Communism? Carrie? "Richard
Marx?" Nope, His brother Karl Marx.
8) Anthony Edwards went from Gilbert in "Revenge of the Nerds" to what famous
Mark on "ER"? Carrie? "Mark Greene!" Correct!
9) What wet Mark won seven gold medals for the US? Bobby? "Mark Spitz." Correct.
10) Who dreamed of getting his chicks for free as the lead singer of Dire
Straits? Bobby again. "Mark Knopfler."
That's it. Bobby leads with 4 to Carrie's 3 and
Benjamin's 1. Now to the pin count: Carrie has 37. Bobby got 41. Benjamin has...
only 28. He's gone.
Round 3: Distraction Disfigurement. Only
one player will have the chance at over $10,000 in prizes, but which one? That's
to be decided at our makeshift tattoo parlor, where Bobby is getting Elvis'
signature "Takin' Care of Business in a Flash" logo on his arm, while Carrie is
getting a lotus on her "whore spot". First to four wins... and as a bonus, the
winner will have their tattoo finished for free.
"The Centers for Disease Control requires us to
read this statement. A tattoo from a shared needle may cause the following:
HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Syphilis, Tetanus, Tuberculosis, and a host
of other bloodborne diseases. Right. Let's play Distraction!"
1) What actor had to think fast and change his
tattoo to read "Wino Forever" when his relationship with Winona Ryder went
south? Bobby? "Johnny Depp?" Bobby leads, 1-0.
2) What large breasted sex icon... Bobby? "Pamela Anderson?" Bobby leads, 2-0.
Jimmy takes time out to remind everyone that this
is 100% genuine. "We are actually scarring people for life! But it's for a good
cause, your entertainment!"
3) Actor Tom Arnold has devoted a large portion of his body to... Carrie?
"Roseanne?" Bobby leads, 2-1.
4) What loony ex-heavyweight champ... Bobby? "Mike Tyson." Bobby leads, 3-1.
5) What "Charlie's Angels" star and member of a famous substance-abusing acting
family has "Angels"... Carrie? "Drew Barrymore." Bobby leads, 3-2.
6) What diva, gay icon, and former partner of Sonny has... Carrie? "Cher" Tied
at 3!
7) What "Sister Act" star has a tattoo... Bobby? "Whoopi Goldberg?" Bobby has
taken care of business, winning $10,000 in prizes! But in what shape will they
be in after....
The Final Round: Drop Zone. Let's see what
Bobby, who is now bleeding, has won... a Vespa scooter, a Sony Wega HDTV, and an
Apple G5 Mac! "And... Hepatitis C! No, not really." Jimmy will ask three
questions, each one attached to a prize. Answer correctly, it goes home in
pristine condition. Answer incorrectly... not so much, as Jimmy will drop a
barrel on it (well, not him, but someone acting on his orders).
The choices are "mathematical terms" and "nasty
diseases". Bobby goes with "mathematical terms."
For the Apple G5:
A conditional statement is known as an "if-then" statement. If you were to name
Tom Cruise's two ex-wives, then who would they be? "Nicole Kidman and.... not
Minnie Driver." Time's up... on the clock AND the Mac. Correct: Nicole Kidman
and Mimi Rogers.
For the TV:
An obtuse angle measures between 90 and 180 degrees. Name the capital of Panama,
where it is often 90 degrees. Jimmy: "Panama's half the answer, it's obvious."
"Panama City!" Correct! Nice piece of kit.
For the Vespa:
An axiom is a self-evident and necessary truth. It is now necessary for you to
name three Presidents whose last name starts with the letter "M". "Monroe,
Madison..." Jimmy: "Mount, think Mount..." He can't... and the Vespa scooter
becomes a low-rider. Correct answer missing: McKinley.
So that's Distraction 2's first episode. If you
like it, tell a friend. They'll be less likely to laugh at you than a stranger
would. See you next week! | 