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Today is

Episode 2.1 - January 10

(C-Note: Thus spake the disclaimer...

"The competitions depicted on this program were supervised by trained professionals. Do not attempt to imitate any of these activities... Ever.")

It's another season of hard questions and even harder punishment. Welcome to "Distraction!" Back with you again is Jimmy Carr, fresh off his stint as host of "8 out of 10 Cats." "Yes, we might hurt our contestants, but we also like to inform about health issues. For example, ladies if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could mean one of three things. It could be a urinary tract infection. It could be a (^_^)fire. Or it could be someone's talking about your vagina."

Before Jimmy is deported... again... let's meet the contestants!

- Who can name the states in alphabetical order? It's Lori, and she demonstrates. Breathe girl.
- Who can do the "Molly Ringwald Special?" It's Carrie, and she demonstrates. A Molly Ringwald Special is the lipstick between the boobs, by the way.
- Who got shot in the nuts with a paintball gun? It's Benjamin.
- That leaves Bobby who can talk backwards.

Round 1: The Double Dare Special. Your buzzer is a catapult with a pie of "something unpleasant" armed. High scores move on. Questions are all on men with beards.

1) What hairy faced author wrote "The Sun Also Rises" That's Benjamin: "Ernest Hemingway, baby." Correct!
2) In what city did Abraham Lincoln give that old "four score and seven years ago" speech? No one? It's Gettysburg, as Benjamin buzzes in for the hell of it. Ketchup for nothing.
3) Shakespeare had a beard. What is the name of "Shakespeare in Love" star Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter? That's Lori with the pie... "Apple." Right!
4) Who had a melting man beard as Jeremiah Johnson, but just a moustache as The Sundance Kid? Bobby? "Robert Redford?" Right.
5) What self-obsessed actor played self-obsessed singer Jim Morrison in "The Doors"? Lori, Bobby, and Benjamin are in, but it's Bobby's question... "Val Kilmer." Right!
6) What couch-jumping love-struck megastar sports a beard in... Carrie? "Tom Cruise!" Right!
7) What unshaven sentimentalist directed "Empire of the Sun" and "Minority Report"? Bobby? "Steven Spielberg.' Correct.
8) What Dutch artist with a self-mutilated ear... Carrie? "Van Gogh." Right.
9) What sweater-faced genius invented the telephone? Benjamin? "Alexander Graham Bell." Right...

After all that, Benjamin and Bobby are tied with three, while Carrie has two. Lori only got one, but at least she got a free pie out of the deal.

Round 2: A Real Pinch. Left brain will answer questions about famous Marks. Right brain will affix clothespins to their faces. Most pins gets five bonus points.

1) It's hard to keep track of J.Lo's husbands and fiancees. To whom is she currently married? Bobby? "Marc Anthony". Correct.
2) Which actor played Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars? Bobby? "Mark Hamill." Correct.
3) Which massive Mark plead the fifth regarding steroid use? Benjamin? "Mark McGwire."
4) Which singer went from fronting a cheesy band Sugar Ray... Carrie? "Mark Wahlberg." Nope, Mark McGrath.
5) Before the euro ruined everything, what was the former currency of Germany? Carrie? "The deutschmark." Right.
6) The Oscar-nominated film "You Can Count On Me" starred what now semi-famous actor? Carrie again? "Mark Ruffalo?" Right!
7) Whose book, "Das Kapital", greatly influenced Communism? Carrie? "Richard Marx?" Nope, His brother Karl Marx.
8) Anthony Edwards went from Gilbert in "Revenge of the Nerds" to what famous Mark on "ER"? Carrie? "Mark Greene!" Correct!
9) What wet Mark won seven gold medals for the US? Bobby? "Mark Spitz." Correct.
10) Who dreamed of getting his chicks for free as the lead singer of Dire Straits? Bobby again. "Mark Knopfler."

That's it. Bobby leads with 4 to Carrie's 3 and Benjamin's 1. Now to the pin count: Carrie has 37. Bobby got 41. Benjamin has... only 28. He's gone.

Round 3: Distraction Disfigurement. Only one player will have the chance at over $10,000 in prizes, but which one? That's to be decided at our makeshift tattoo parlor, where Bobby is getting Elvis' signature "Takin' Care of Business in a Flash" logo on his arm, while Carrie is getting a lotus on her "whore spot". First to four wins... and as a bonus, the winner will have their tattoo finished for free.

"The Centers for Disease Control requires us to read this statement. A tattoo from a shared needle may cause the following: HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Syphilis, Tetanus, Tuberculosis, and a host of other bloodborne diseases. Right. Let's play Distraction!"

1) What actor had to think fast and change his tattoo to read "Wino Forever" when his relationship with Winona Ryder went south? Bobby? "Johnny Depp?" Bobby leads, 1-0.
2) What large breasted sex icon... Bobby? "Pamela Anderson?" Bobby leads, 2-0.

Jimmy takes time out to remind everyone that this is 100% genuine. "We are actually scarring people for life! But it's for a good cause, your entertainment!"

3) Actor Tom Arnold has devoted a large portion of his body to... Carrie? "Roseanne?" Bobby leads, 2-1.
4) What loony ex-heavyweight champ... Bobby? "Mike Tyson." Bobby leads, 3-1.
5) What "Charlie's Angels" star and member of a famous substance-abusing acting family has "Angels"... Carrie? "Drew Barrymore." Bobby leads, 3-2.
6) What diva, gay icon, and former partner of Sonny has... Carrie? "Cher" Tied at 3!
7) What "Sister Act" star has a tattoo... Bobby? "Whoopi Goldberg?" Bobby has taken care of business, winning $10,000 in prizes! But in what shape will they be in after....

The Final Round: Drop Zone. Let's see what Bobby, who is now bleeding, has won... a Vespa scooter, a Sony Wega HDTV, and an Apple G5 Mac! "And... Hepatitis C! No, not really." Jimmy will ask three questions, each one attached to a prize. Answer correctly, it goes home in pristine condition. Answer incorrectly... not so much, as Jimmy will drop a barrel on it (well, not him, but someone acting on his orders).

The choices are "mathematical terms" and "nasty diseases". Bobby goes with "mathematical terms."

For the Apple G5:
A conditional statement is known as an "if-then" statement. If you were to name Tom Cruise's two ex-wives, then who would they be? "Nicole Kidman and.... not Minnie Driver." Time's up... on the clock AND the Mac. Correct: Nicole Kidman and Mimi Rogers.

For the TV:
An obtuse angle measures between 90 and 180 degrees. Name the capital of Panama, where it is often 90 degrees. Jimmy: "Panama's half the answer, it's obvious." "Panama City!" Correct! Nice piece of kit.

For the Vespa:
An axiom is a self-evident and necessary truth. It is now necessary for you to name three Presidents whose last name starts with the letter "M". "Monroe, Madison..." Jimmy: "Mount, think Mount..." He can't... and the Vespa scooter becomes a low-rider. Correct answer missing: McKinley.

So that's Distraction 2's first episode. If you like it, tell a friend. They'll be less likely to laugh at you than a stranger would. See you next week!

 

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