Two: Tiaras and Vespas - October 9

Last week on The Bachelor: Lorenzo sent home all of the women who were smart or fat or ugly.

Chris explains to the women that this week there will be two group dates and one solo date. A rose can be given out on each date. Nine roses total will be given out this week, and three women will be sent home. Lisa will be given the first solo date because she won the earrings last week.

The first date box arrives and Erica, wearing a new tiara [Q: How many tiaras does a socialite bring to Italy? A: At least two, apparently.] and a dress that looks like it was designed by Uli, from Project Runway, fetches it. Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie and Agnese, get to go on the first group date. Angese says that she doesn’t speak a lot of English and she is having a difficult time living with the American women because they are crazy. [True!] Erica says that when she saw the house she wasn’t impressed with it [given her nouveau-riche, never-picked-up-her-room, never-flew-coach-class, ask-the-maid-to-do-it, upbringing]. She tells Chris, who as the host of the show, obviously has the power to change things, that she doesn’t want to live in a room with three other girls and she is disturbed by the fact that there are no maids. She suggests that she might have to hire one of the other girls to be her maid.

The first date begins with a tour of Rome and its most obvious tourist attractions, the Colosseum, the Trevi Fountain, etc. Erica says that she is indifferent to Agnese because she barely speaks English. The group tours Rome on Vespa scooters. Erica tells the group that her license has expired, so she gets to ride on the back of a Vespa with Lorenzo. She uses the opportunity to feel him up and tell him that she lost her virginity when she was 16. Later Lorenzo gives the women their pick of dresses to wear to a cocktail party and to keep [in a scene rather reminiscent of “Joe Millionaire”].

At the cocktail party, Jami and Lorenzo talk about her tattoos, which he has noticed. Erica steals Lorenzo away and Jami says that Erica is a spoiled brat. [Also true.] Lorenzo, no doubt coached by the producers, asks Erica if she has any problems or hates any of the girls. Erica says that Jami isn’t a good match for him because she didn’t go to college. Lorenzo says that college doesn’t matter him; he wants the woman he chooses to have a good heart and be a lot of fun. He says that you can’t judge other people because they haven’t had the same opportunities, and Erica says that she doesn’t judge. Erica starts crying because it’s obvious that Lorenzo didn’t appreciate her answers [which he asked her to verbalize] and she feels like a bad person. Lorenzo and Sadie talk, and he says that he enjoys speaking with Sadie the most, so he gives her the rose. Erica whines a bit more saying, “He must not really want a true princess, because I am a true princess, it doesn’t matter that I was raised to be one, he could care less.”

Lisa receives a basket letting her know that she and Lorenzo will be spending the afternoon in his favorite park. She reveals to the camera that her plan is to become engaged within the year, married within two years, then to have kids in five years. Lorenzo and Lisa go to the Villa Borghese Park, which is the largest and most famous park in Rome. He tells her that he brought Lisa to the park so that she could make out with the trees [recall her tree-hugging from the previous episode] and he promises not to tell anyone. Lorenzo reveals that many people he knows have gotten married just to get married, and he doesn’t want to be that way. Lisa realizes that her “five year plan” might freak out Lorenzo, so she wisely doesn’t mention it to him. They have dinner and Lorenzo says that he feels as though Lisa likes him for himself and it was a perfect date so he gives her a rose.

Back at the house, the women talk about when the lost their virginity. Sadie reveals the fact that she is saving herself for marriage and the other girls are shocked that she is still a virgin. Sadie hopes that the other girls won’t mention this tidbit to Lorenzo.

The next date basket arrives for Jennifer, Sarah, Kim, Desiree, Jeanette and Gina. They will be going to the beach with Lorenzo.

The next day, two helicopters arrive to fetch the women. Lorenzo says that he has had women happy to see him, but he has never had six women jumping up and down and screaming because they are so happy to see him. [Agnese is right; these girls are crazy.] The group arrives at a villa on the Mediterranean Sea and the women are again plied with alcohol, so they will start acting stupid. They start playing football: Blondes versus the Brunettes. Jennifer sidles up to Lorenzo and asks if he played any sports and when he says that he was a football player, she reveals that she was a cheerleader and starts doing cheers [badly]. He starts talking to Desiree, who says that she is the type of person who would show up at his work and give him a quickie. Lorenzo is obviously uncomfortable about the discussion. Kim starts chatting with the rest of the women and it’s obvious that she is trashed and she passes out. Lorenzo gives his rose to Jennifer and then tries to wake up Kim who wakes up babbling nonsense and mistakes Lorenzo for the waiter. She kisses him on the lips.

At the evening’s cocktail party, the women use the opportunity to trash each other. Agnese tells Lorenzo that American women are crazy. [Still true.] Lorenzo tells her that he appreciates her working so hard to learn English and putting up with the other women. She kisses him on the lips and he is surprised. Jami and Desiree decide to snoop around the Castle and find Lorenzo’s room. They roll around in his bed, sniff his sheets [I’m surprised they didn’t bring a Wood’s lamp to find seminal staining] and discover that he wears boxers, at which point they are caught snooping while sitting in his bed. They have a pillow fight in his bed and Lorenzo seems pleased.

Ellen confronts Lisa about catty comments and Lisa denies that she says them. She starts crying. Later the women go to Lorenzo’s room and discover him in bed with Desiree and Jami. The group starts dancing and freaking and once again Kim falls asleep, but this time she is in Lorenzo’s bed. Erika prattles on about how Lorenzo is royalty and needs a princess, and she is that princess.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony this season, Lorenzo gives roses to Jeanette, Desiree, Jami, Gina, Agnese and Erica, cruelly crushing the dreams of Kim, Sarah, and Ellen [who are promptly sold by the producers into the sex slavery trade. You gotta check the fine print in those contracts, girls!].

Next week the women will whore themselves for jewels, and Erica has a psychotic break.