One: The Bachelorettes Are Entranced - October 2

[Author’s Note: The last time “The Bachelor” aired, I recapped the show, hoping to kill it. Every single show that I have recapped for gameshownews.net in the past has never aired again. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky last time, and this showcase for reality-whores who need their fifteen minutes of fame continues. Oh goodie!]

We open this pointless futility with the oh-so-unexpected montage of previous “Bachelors” and the lone “Bachelorette” interacting with the people that they pretended to love, at least until the show was done taping. This season the show will take place in Rome, because that’s where our “Prince Charming” was born. Basically, it’s the same montage that opened last year’s season, with the addition of Travis and Sarah from the most recent season of “The Bachelor”, who had already broken up before their episodes starting airing on television. Out of the previous ten couples paired up by this series, only Trista and Ryan have gotten married and appear to still like one another: an oddity so notable that my friend Tim Hsieh has commented, “Trista and Ryan haven’t gotten divorced yet? What’s the matter with them?” [You can see this comment, and many more, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emN1f9C6URI, a trailer for the gameshow documentary “Wheel of Jeopardy” that features Tim and my daughter Maddie.]

This year, the producers of the show found a “real” prince, Lorenzo Borghese, 34. He is the founder of the Royal Treatment Pet Spa in New York, along with a line of skincare products for dogs. [Get this guy a Nobel Peace Prize.] His mother, Princess Amanda, along with his brother, Prince Skippy, hawk beauty products on the Home Shopping Network. [Really, they do!] His grandma, Marchella Borghese, started the beauty company named after her, now owned by Revlon. Lorenzo is descended from Pope Paul V, Camillo Borghese, who incidentally is the person who raised his nephew into the nobility, and thus the whole “prince” thing is arguably a nepotism-related sham. Later, a member of the family married Napoleon’s slutty sister Pauline. I am sure that Lorenzo wouldn’t be on this wretched show if he weren’t a prince, so let’s all remember to thank Pope Paul V for this season of “The Bachelor”. [Blech.] The producers want us to think that Lorenzo is impressive, so they make sure they flash the BVRGHESIVS name, wherever it is shown in Rome, include on the façade of the Vatican. It’s like they are glorifying graffiti.

This year’s crop of media-whores talk about how excited they are to meet Lorenzo. They mention the family and Pope Paul V, and the fact that one of the Borgheses married Napoleon’s sister, and the whole thing smacks of contrivance. As if any of these media-whores would know who the Borghese family was before they came on this show. Then the media-whores start babbling on about how it’s every girl’s dream to marry a prince. [That was never my dream, but then I am not a vapid moron, who sells my soul for media-whoredom.] But in the end, only one girl will be the “Princess of Media-Whores”.

Next, there is a montage showing what a likable person this scion of the Borghese family is. First he picks up an errant soccer ball belonging to an Italian street urchin, then he tells us that he never uses his title in social situations. According to the show, Lorenzo was born in Italy, but grew up in Connecticut and now lives in New York. [Some internet sites indicate that he actually grew up in New Jersey, but that might be too “Tony Soprano”-ish for ABC.] Poor Lorenzo laments how difficult it is to find a sincere woman. [Yeah, going on this show is the way to find a woman who will love him for himself.] Lorenzo drives a convertible and flies airplanes and will be really disappointed if he doesn’t find love [and sex] in Italy.

Our host Chris Harrison starts rambling on about how the show needed to find special Bachelorettes for Lorenzo. [Are you saying that the Bachelorettes from last season weren’t special? I am shocked and disappointed.] There is a montage of women being “shocked’ as the producers lob flowers at them and tell them that they will be the featured media-whores starting today. Erica, whose occupation is listed as “socialite” [sounds like “spoiled brat who never lifts a finger” has been taken] is the first to be “surprised” by the camera crew. Her mother runs to the door wearing a low-cut tank dress and more jewels than the Queen of England on her coronation day and also pretends to be surprised. Mom and daughter are seen going through a mega-closet of designer clothes, mulling the idea of Erica taking a fur with her to Italy. Luckily their housekeeper is working today so somebody has the skill set necessarily to haul the Louis Vuitton luggage to the car. [This family just screams nouveau riche.] Erica hopes that Lorenzo isn’t one of those guys who “falls for the girl off the farm.” Cut to Jami, who lives on a farm. She apparently didn’t have math in school because she is “8 million percent princess material.” Kim and her friends know what this show is all about and toast to “going all of the way!” Jeanette models a bathing suit for her friends, but at least she realizes that she can only put 100% of her efforts into bagging the Prince. Rosella reinforces every stereotype there is about Italians as she invites the camera crew in for something to eat with her huge family which is resplendent with guys named Tony wearing wifebeater T-shirts.

The women start wandering around Rome, artfully carrying roses as they happen onto landmarks bearing the Borghese or BVRGHESIVS name. Cue the obligatory fashion show at an Italian boutique, followed by strange analogies about kissing frogs and women putting the title of “Princess” before their name. [It makes me want to vomit.] As if the clichés don’t come fast enough, the women throw their money into the Trevi Fountain and make wishes.

The Prince will meet the women at the “Castle Borghese” which the producers have so thoughtfully rented for the occasion. [I wonder if they ever let the women know that the castle isn’t still owned by Lorenzo’s family.] Chris and Lorenzo chat. Lorenzo talks about being a Prince and admits that the title came through the intervention of a papal ancestor. Lorenzo admits that he speaks only “menu Italian.” Lorenzo says that he wants to find the person he’s going to be with forever and have children. Chris tells Lorenzo that 25 women are there to meet him, but when the sun comes up, he will have to send more than half of them home.

Let the tart parade begin:

Lisa, 25, a marketing manager from Portland Oregon, kisses Lorenzo on the cheek, then comments about the fact that she left lipstick on his cheek. He asks her if she is jet-lagged and she says that she isn’t.

April, 23, a model from Chicago, Illinois, comes out of the limo and barely glances at Lorenzo because she is in awe of the castle.

Kim,27, interior designer from Long Beach, CA, looks like Sarah Jessica Parker and asks Lorenzo if he is nervous. He says he isn’t, then asks her if she is nervous, and she says that she is a little. He changes his mind and says that he is terrified.

Jeanette, 23, a teacher from Bloomingdale, Illinois, wears a tight red dress and Lorenzo comments about how nice she looks. She tells him that he is handsome.

Jessica, 25, an assistant buyer from Charlotte, North Carolina, attempts some canned banter, but fails miserably because she can’t use her corny line about needing a tour guide since Lorenzo has barely been to Rome.

Jami, 27, an event planner from Galveston Texas, asks him if he is less nervous and he says that he isn’t.

Claudia, 22, a restaurateur from Boca Raton Florida, comments about the fact that her dress matches Lorenzo’s tie.

Brit, 28, a beer chemist from Columbus [now that’s a great job], arrives wearing an orange sherbet dress that looks like it came from a circus. Lorenzo ponders the origins of her clothes then she twirls and then he twirls.

Rita, 29, policy advisor Richmond VA, provides Lorenzo with a mnemonic to remember her, “Rita from Richmond”. They have zero chemistry, so I predict that she will not last past the end of the evening.

Laura, 29, dolphin trainer from San Diego, CA, kisses him on the cheek and he notices that her green dress matches her eyes.

Rosella, 27, makeup artist from Chicago Illinois, comes out of the limo speaking Italian and it’s obvious that he is intimidated by the fact that her Italian is better than his.
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Meri, 27, an attorney from Biloxi, MS asks him if he has heard of her alma mater SMU. He has and it’s obvious that he has zero chemistry with her.

Gina, 29, ultrasound technician from Chicago, kisses him on the check and barely stops to talk to him.

Heather, 34, a registered nurse from Aliquippa, PA is honored to be there and honored to meet him. I am sure that she will be honored to be rejected by Lorenzo.

Sarah, 30, is a journalist from Nelson, British Columbia. Lorenzo tells her that he loves her dress and necklace and everything about her. She is excited to meet him.

Jen, 24, a teacher from Pembroke Pines, FL, comments about the fact that she is from Florida, where Lorenzo went to college. They reminisce about the palm trees, sun tan lotion, and beaches in Florida.

Carissa, 25, an attorney from Cattaraugus, New York tells Lorenzo that she is nervous and that she has visited Rome before.
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Andrea, 28, a concierge from Cincinnati, Ohio starts speaking Italian to Lorenzo and he can’t get her out of his sight fast enough, it’s obvious that she will not be getting a rose tonight.

Desiree, 22, a realtor from Salt Lake City, goes on and on about how handsome Lorenzo is and starts calling him “baby” and then goes running through the halls shouting about how “hot” Lorenzo is.

Tara, 24, realtor from St. Augustine, Florida talks about how beautiful the castle is, then quickly goes inside.

Erica, 23, socialite from Houston Texas, arrives wearing her own tiara. She tells him that he is cuter than his picture, though he is cute in his picture. She starts rambling on about how they have a lot in common and says that she hopes to get to know him better.

Ellen, 30, a realtor from New Haven, Connecticut says that she can’t wait to get to know him.

Elyse, 27, a physician from New York, New York tells him that he is very well built and he jokingly asks her to marry him. [If only she had said yes, and the show was over]

Renee, 30, a broadcast marketer from Baltimore Maryland, tells him that she traveled a long way to meet him, she holds his hand in a death-grip as she tells him that she wants him to keep her around long enough to do fun things together.

Sadie, 27, Publicist, Carlsbad, California banters with Lorenzo about how nervous she is and he says that he’s never had to entertain 25 women before. She says that there are about 24 extra people in the house.

The women are plied with liquor so they will make giddy remarks about Lorenzo. Chris tells Lorenzo to give a rose and earrings to a woman that he definitely wants to spend more time with. Lorenzo goes into the room with them women who rave about how cute he is. Lorenzo toasts the women and starts mingling with them.

Erica disses the other women because they have tattoos or haven’t gone to college. She says that she’s definitely in the “top three” of women who are compatible with Lorenzo. She tells Lorenzo that she flew coach for him and that he should be flattered because she’s never flown coach before. Rosella tells the girls that she sold her car to buy gowns for the experience. She says that being a princess is her destiny and it’s something that she just had to do. As the women are sitting around, a waiter walks in with a rose and diamond earrings.

As Lorenzo works his way through the women, Desiree gets frustrated and steals him for a trip outside for herself. She performs what almost amounts to a lap dance for him then asks to kiss him. He lets her kiss him on the cheek. Lisa, evoking unfortunate comparisons to Allie, who wanted to reproduce last season, talks about how she wants to be married at 27, has 10 months to find somebody. Lisa, knowing that the best way to a man’s heart is to assault wood, convinces Lorenzo to hug a tree. As Lorenzo mingles, Heather and some of the other women get drunk. Andrea starts belting out arias from the balcony. Lorenzo finally gets to speak with Heather and she is can’t really carry on a conversation because she is so drunk. She’s so drunk that she thinks that she has an advantage because she is older than the rest of the girls. Later he tells Sarah that he has never dated a black girl because he’s been in relationships. [What?] Sadie drops the bombshell that she is “saving herself for marriage.”

Chris comes out and tells everyone that two local women are also being given the chance to meet The Bachelor. Cosetta, a dancer, and Agnese, 24, a student from Venice, will also by attempting to win the prize, er, Bachelor. Cosetta dances with Lorenzo and Agnese says that she is jealous. Lisa and Erica drag the prince away and continuing the game of Prince Ping Pong, Cosetta and Agnese drag Lorenzo back. Lorenzo attempts to communicate with Cosetta and Agnese, but his Italian isn’t very good and their English is not that much better. Lorenzo goes inside and grabs the rose and earnings and gives it to Lisa, the tree hugger.

The next morning, the rooster crows and Chris comes in. In the most dramatic rose ceremony this season, Lorenzo starts handing out roses to the women. Kim, Jeannette, Jami, Ellen, Sarah, Desiree, Jennifer, Gina, Erica, Sadie and Agnese all receive roses and the other women get a one way ticket back to the United States. [Poor Cosetta…is she being deported to the US with the other losers?] We are supposed to feel sorry for Rosella who was stupid enough to sell her car to meet a stranger, but we don’t.

Previews: In the upcoming weeks Lorenzo will kiss many women, there will be many catfights, the women will cry, and Lorenzo will cry.