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On Guard - August 3

Last time, we met our intrepid band of heroes, each one competing for their own comic book and their own SciFi Saturday Night Original Movie. So far, two heroes have not made the cut, Levity, who sought to use his powers for personal gain, and Nitro G, who would rather finish a race than stop to help a crying little girl. Now nine heroes remain...

And before we dive into breakfast, Stan has a little task. Each hero sends a question to Stan. He'll ask them, and the heroes will be put on the spot then and there.

Creature: "Your hair is starting to scare me. When was the last time you washed it?" She said her hair stores her powers.

Fat Momma: "Do you really think a fat superheroine would be a good role model for children?" "I do, or else I wouldn't be here."

Iron Enforcer: "It's starting to stink in here. Would it kill you to use some anti-perspirant?"

Major Victory: "Do you think a superhero who's a male stripper sends the wrong message to kids?" He's not a stripper anymore.

Iron Enforcer: "You seem to be on steroids. Is that legal." He thinks steroids in the right hands are legal.

Today, Creature saw the line between real person and superhero blur. Stan returns, saying those questions were a test of emotional courage and integrity. The next test, maybe a little more straightforward: help a little old lady locked outside of her house. Just go round the back, climb over the fence, and open the house from inside. Simple right?

Heh, you're kidding. Her backyard has a couple of Rottweilers... and they're hungry.

(C-Note: The following event involves highly trained attack dogs under the supervision of experts and should not be attempted by anyone anywhere, anyplace, anytime, under ANY circumstances.)

Luckily, Stan hits the scene with bit of body armor to help our heroes along, because as Chris put it... "I think I have a new name... Major Dog Food."

Stan says that this challenge is about courage and tenacity. If at any time they lose that courage, they need only to say "uncle" to back the dogs off.

Tyveculus volunteers to go first, him believing that his firefighting skills will pay off. He crosses the gauntlet in 16 seconds. Creature, meanwhile... has no chance. She ops out after 12. Iron Enforcer... almost takes the fence out. He taps out at 23, one step away from the door. Feedback keeps saying "You will not take me down." Sure enough, he makes it in 22. Fat Momma tries luring the dog away with a donut. Doesn't work. She taps out at 18. Major Dog Foo... err, Victory, walks the dogs over to the door in 17. "How's my hair." Oh, fine." Lemuria goes out in 19. Cell Phone Girl, having actually been bit by a dog, has no chance. She's out after 4. Monkey Woman charges headlong... and her arm is injured. She would not quit for anything, though. She makes it to the door in the staggering time of 9 minutes, 42 seconds. MW lets out a monkey yell... and then collapses on the porch.

Stan pages the crew, telling them of a job well done... but now someone has to go home, as they report to the Lair. One person that is definitely safe: Monkey Woman. But three people are definitely not...

- Cell Phone Girl complained that she had a headache and gave up after four seconds.
- Iron Enforcer gave up a mere foot from his final goal, despite his massive strength.
- Lemuria and Creature went into the challenge without a strategy, Creature, while laughing. 

CPG still complains that she has a headache, but still tried. Iron Enforcer thinks his spiritual side is his best quality. Creature cites nerves as fuel for her fire.

Stan now judges that the hero who is next to leave the lair is... Cell Phone Girl. "I'm afraid you're out of minutes. Cell Phone Girl, turn in your costume."

The next morning, Stan informs that the day will be all about "fantasy fulfillment", as each hero will get a costume makeover (C-Note: and in the case of Major Victory, it's sorely needed, as the V is somehow torn off his chest). Stan notes of Lemuria's costume: "Disco is from the 70's." She... and the rest of the heroes, will be blindfolded so as not to reveal the surprise prematurely. Each costume is pretty much an amped-up Hollywood version of their homebrews.

Lemuria approves of her makeover. Tyveculus, while strong on the outside, is going like "WHAT?!" on the inside. Personally, I don't blame him. After all, who in their right mind sports a faux-hawk when their fighting crime? He thinks that cutting the feathers off, he can live with it. Obviously... not. He goes and talks to Stan about getting his old armor back. He's worried that he's let Stan down, but in the end, it's his costume, right?

Meanwhile, Major Victory becomes Major Shiny Pants, Fat Momma becomes Hot Momma, and Feedback becomes... a sentai reject. Heh.

Creature, Monkey Woman, and Iron Enforcer are also pleased, but Stan is quick to note that something is not quite right with Iron Enforcer's costume. Meanwhile, Tyveculus returns to his old digs. ... as Stan calls the heroes to the roof for another elimination.

Stan is judging this elimination based on the reaction to the costumes. Stan calls out Tyveculus, Iron Enforcer, and Feedback. Tyveculus was not at all honest when he said that he liked his costume, one of the important traits of a superhero. Feedback... made fun of Tyveculus' costume ("Right now, you're Stan Lee's biggest fan" referring to his fan hat). Iron Enforcer... well, he's just down there because he's been on the block for the last three eliminations and is now forced to defend himself for the fourth time.

Stan ejects, without so much as a rebuttal... Iron Enforcer. He turns in "Judgment" (the name of his BFG), his communicator, and his shades, as Fat Momma says that it's going to smell a lot nicer around here.

But beware, because the quest is going to get difficult.

Meanwhile, as Iron Enforcer leaves the Lair, Stan stops him and informs him of a bit of a twist. "You'd make a lousy superhero... but you'd make a great supervillain!" Stan invites him back to be the archenemy of the series, to help him test the heroes to see if they really have what it takes. with that, Steel is offered a supervillain makeover that Stan wanted to give him from earlier...

"Life for our superheroes is about to change when they meet my newest creation... the Dark Enforcer." To be continued...

Until next time, true believers...

 

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