"Greenville, AL" -
Hello, Small Town America! How would you like to have
199 of your closest friends in a game show audience,
ready, willing, and able to be stars of your own TV show
for one hour? Well, ABC has just the show for you. It's
called "My Kind of Town," and here's my kind of host,
Johnny Vaughn with my kind of theme song...
"I like the kind of place
where you know everybody's face,
'Cos I'm a small town (small town!) kind of guy!
I like a neighborhood that's cozy, 'cos as a neighbor,
I'm quite nosy,
I'm a small town (small town!) kind of guy!
I've been to New York, London, Paris, but I'm not a bit
To admit I'm more at ease with fewer people and more
Where you can get to know each other, there's so much to
If you're not shy, that's why... I'm a small town kind
And that's my kind of
inhouse band. Anyway, let's give it up for Greenville
this week, where the local crop is... steering wheels?
Try driving a car without one.
Now we may have 200
people here, but later on in the show, it'll be all
about Jason Pouncey (fireman), who will have a chance to
win an amazing, stupendous prize for 199 of his
neighbors (and himself of course). All he as to do is
remember the names of all the people he meets tonight.
Does he have a good memory? "No sir. I've been referred
to as Swiss cheese, because I have a lot of gaps and
holes." Oh my. At least there's his willingness to do
anything. At least that's what he wrote on his
application, what Johnny calls "a viper in the bosom."
But enough about him.
Let's talk Greenville, home of the famous hickory smoked
turkey sandwich, the Greenville Tigers (2 and... yeah),
survivors of Hurricane Ivan, and southern beauty. But
not all is what it seems in Greenville, because lurking
in the shadows is... the ugliest pair of Birkenstocks
you've ever seen. And they belong to that guy,
Greenville's tallest resident, Todd Campbell. "They're
comfortable." They're so manly, they're "mandals."
Todd's mom Judy, Mayor Dexter McLendon, and Chip & Luke
Taylor all give the sandals and the sandal owner the
business, but what do we plan on doing about these
horrific pieces of footwear?
How about fire? We go to
Greenville, and the sandals are resting on a barbeque
grill, fireman Demetrius Bogan waiting for the word. And
in this case, the word is... "incinerate." It's
his first cremation. And probably Todd's as well,
because he delivers the command with all the
sheepishness warranted. But it doesn't stop here, as
Johnny the little pyromaniac wants to burn something
else. Todd wants to destroy his tractor. And there it
is! Just waiting to meet its fiery fate. And if it does,
Todd's gonna win his own John Deere 790 green steel
beauty. Once again, the command, Todd?
energy, Todd. "Incinerate, Demetrius, Incinerate!" Well,
the fireman can't put it ablaze, so how about...
Robosaurus! That'll put that (^_^)er to waste. The
command again, with feeling!
"Incinerate." I hope
that's not your OOH! voice. As expected, Robosaurus
doesn't comply. Instead, he goes for Todd's truck. Oh
man... This is bad. "How good's your insurance?" And
there goes the truck, sawed in half. But if you know
anything about this type of show, you know they're not
really gonna destroy another man's truck... And sure
enough, they don't. There's his real truck. "It was a
Now to destroy the
tractor. "Incinerate!" So not only has he won the
tractor, but also a new pair of mandals.
Sitting in with the band
is Cecil Moody on the Appalachian dulcimer. Back to
Jason, who, if he can name is neighbors, can win.. 200
T&G scooters! Riding one is Jeddo Bell. He doesn't win
it, though. Not yet anyway. Hopefully that will plug the
holes in Jason's Swiss cheese mind. Go from Swiss to
Going back to Greenville
for a bit, Tammy & Drew Gaston's house is still there.
Ellen & Bob Glasscock is still here. Edna Kelly's
house... is gone. Where is it? It appears that,
according to the ABC affiliate in nearby
not-so-small-town Montgomery that the house is on the
run. The reporter witnesses the house split into two and
turn tail, suggesting that it had special forces
training. Police sergeant Dwight Hudson never saw a
house like that. Even more shocking still, husband Leroy
is still in the house. Now it's a dream of hers (and her
house) to live on her sister's property. And the dream
is realized as she has indeed.. moved house. And because
the house assaulted police with the TV set, Leroy (now
fully awake) has a 42" plasma TV with her name on it!
Coming out of break with
Linda Horn pogoing to "Jump Jump", we get to see the
2005 Greenville Naked Calendar.
January: retired teacher
February: cook Jill Stallworth.
March: piano teacher Sandra Hamilton.
April: umbrella girl Ashley Thigpen
May: umpire Shawndy Moulton
June: cleaning lady Latonya Williams
July: florist Nancy Idland
August: bather Thomas Braxton
September: Morgan & Meredith Mann
October: giving lab techs everywhere a weird name,
November: Football superfan Colin "Big C" MacGuire
December: best friends John Warren Godwin and Jason
Pounc... oh dear.
Sitting in with the band
this half is Christoper Cobb on his harp thing. More
about the people of Greenville, Ginger Norman would redo
her hairstyle from high school. "It was a foot high."
Seriously, it was. And here's Johnny with nearly the
same hairstyle. And here's Ginger again, this time on
the ABC big screen in Times Square. "I better get a new
car for this." Even better, your hair gets a song from
the velvet Teddy Bear himself, Rooooo-ben Studdard! He
looks more like Fred Hammond
than anyone should nowadays.
She also says that her toilet screams. Well, she takes
care of that with a new toilet with an automatic lid
that pretty much makes going number 2 a pleasure. It
cleans the bowl with every flush. Wee. Probably better
is what's inside. It's green. It floats. It's... $2000!
Who's up for extreme
musical chairs? That's the new sport sweeping
Greenville. But first, some motivational words from Hulk
Hogan... Back to musical chairs, with the Greenville
Tigers and J. Lee Pierce commenting. The winner will get
not only this wonderful trophy, but their own weight in
meat. it's time to meet the team: Trent DeShazo, Rashad
Knight, Gene Rivers, and Aaron Coleman. Tune: The Baby
Elephant Waltz. The winner: DeShazo.
It's time for Jason
Pouncey and our end game... "Name Your Neighbors".
Simple premise: if you can name six of them, you win
scooters for 200.
Is window six Jill
Stallworth? YES! Greenville gets scooters! Greenville is
now a scooter town! We end with the audience rocking out
to Sweet Home Alabama. Truly Greenville, AL is... My
Kind of Town. See you next week!