"If You're Gonna
Whine, Just Shut Up!" - August 31
PIT STOP: EL SARAB OASIS, OUTSIDE OF DUBAI, U.A.E.
Spare tires, crowded buses, and threatened jail time
served as a precipice for a heated Race, in which Kami
and Karli came in last. They weren't eliminated, but now
they have to hit up for money before they can get
anywhere. On the other hand, if Colin & Christie (Team
Type A) can survive haggling before a state tribunal for
a crime they didn't commit to get back into the Race,
they can survive anything.
I, Chico Alexander, will
be guiding you through this leg, as Chris is trying to
dig out after being hit by Frances.
After the requisite 12-hour schmooze-fest at the oasis,
Colin & Christie take off at 10:51pm local time with
clue in hand:
Drive yourselves 35
miles back to Dubai and find Wild Wadi, the largest
water park outside the United States. Your next clue
is inside the main gate. The park is open from 8am
to 6pm local time. You have $55 for this leg of the
Race, though ONE of the teams will start with NO
money at all (Kami & Karli).
Team Type A thinks that
Colin's constant anal tendencies will be the end of them
as they ask for directions back to Dubai.
Brandon & Nicole (the
Dating Models) head out to Dubai at 11:27pm as they
notice those "church things" everywhere that are "like
Starbucks". They're called mosques, and they will be
referred to as such, thank you. Chip & Kim leave 14
minutes after, loving their honeymoon that they've never
had. Sixty seconds later, Bowling Moms Linda and Karen
leave hot on the Married Parents' trail.
Brandon tries asking for
directions, taking on faith that Dubai is in the
opposite direction that they're going.
Colin & Christie are the
first to reach Wild Wadi, but the park doesn't open
until 8am. Seeing as it's nowhere near that time, let's
get some sleep.
Finally, Kami & Karli
are out at 12:14am, and leg 9 of the Amazing Race is on.
Heading out with no money, they resort to manipulation,
including but not limited to offers to sing to, massage,
and use whatever sexual gifts they may have on the
locals. Hey... They work.
Chip & Kim arrive at the
park and decide to join in on some sleepy time with
Colin & Christie, who say that they can trust the
Married Parents more than any other team. Good for them,
because the Parents want Team Type A to self-destruct
and want to make Colin get overconfident in order to
start making stupid mistakes. Meanwhile, Chip jokes
about being the wheelman for the mob.
Kami & Karli are totally
lost on the streets of Dubai, where they find a nice
Englishman and entice him with the prospect of twin
females. The charm must have worked, because not only
does he gladly lead them in the right direction, but he
empties out his pockets for them! Now that's love...
Linda & Karen are third
into the park, followed by Brandon & Nicole. Kami, Karli,
and their new friend bring up the rear. Once again, it's
an even Race as the gates open at the top of the eight
o'clock hour. Chip runs by a box with the familiar
yellow-and-red route markers, giving Brandon & Nicole a
chance to snag the first of five numbered markers. Chip
& Kim get #2, the Bowling Moms get #3, Team Type A get
#4, and the twins get #5. What does all that mean? I'm
glad you asked...
Follow the marked path
to the Jumeirah Sceirah slide (more than 180 feet
high). Climb to the top and ride to your next clue.
Both teammates must reach the bottom before you can
claim the clue (hurdling down at speeds up to 50
miles per hour).
That was just fun to
watch! The Dating Models are first down, as they
Drive yourself to Dubai
International Airport and take a flight nearly 2100
miles to Kolkata, India. Your next clue is waiting
at the Sahid Minar, a 170-foot-tall monument in
Now this is weird, as a)
Brandon & Nicole drive themselves, b) Chip & Kim take a
cab, and c) someone, maybe Linda or Karen, seems to have
forgotten their bag at the drop-off point. The remaining
teams follow suit. Chip & Kim discover their blunder and
make their way back to the park before another Heather &
Eve incident can ensue. They won't be alone, as Linda &
Karen discover that their bag (and passports) are indeed
Brandon & Nicole are
first at the airport, where they discover that the only
way to Kolkata is through Mumbai. That flight arrives
in Kolkata at 9:30.
Back at the park, Linda
& Karen recover their bag and return to the airport,
while Chip & Kim recover their car. Linda & Karen
follow the cab to the airport and reach there in time to
find out... that they owe the cabbie 41 dinar. They
contest that they weren't riding in the cab, and
apparently a $5 tip wasn't good enough, as now the
Bowling Moms face the impending wrath of "some people",
leaving Linda led to an office, separate from a worrying
In the end, they fail to
realize that 41 dinar equals US$15, so they pay off the
Chip & Kim arrive at the
airport, but no flights have left, so again, it's level
pegging. Airports... the great equalizer. Chip &
Kim elect to take a later flight from Mumbai that will
have them in Kolkata a scheduled 10 minutes later than
The four remaining teams
board their flights to Kolkata. Chip & Kim make their
later flight, but they're holding out for a miracle.
Welcome to Kolkata, the
center of Bengal culture and the second-largest city in
India. Here, the Racers head through the beautiful and
cultural (Team Type A), yet crowded and smelly (Dating
Models) streets of Kolkata to the Sahid Minar, Chip &
Kim helplessly in last.
But this is where the
miracle comes in. Brandon & Nicole have gone flat...
tire, that is, just as Chip & Kim have found themselves
a shortcut via the bypass route. That and a traffic jam
serves to level the playing field as Colin and Christie
There is only one yield
on each leg of the race. The team that uses it may
force another team that's behind them to stop racing
for a predetermined amount of time, even as other
teams may pass them. However, teams can exercise
their yield power only once during the course of the
race, so they have to decide when it's in their best
interest to use it. Any team that's been forced to
yield must turn this hourglass upside down and wait
for the sand to run out before they continue on.
Colin & Christie choose
not to yield, saying that they don't want to win that
way. Instead, they head to a route marker with their
next clue and the second Fast Forward in the race. They
choose the clue.
Travel by taxi to the
town of Garia (10 miles) and find the Globe Brick
Factory where you will find your next clue.
Type A is on its way, as
Chip & Kim move from last to... second. They also
decline to yield, but they do consider the Fast Forward:
Travel by taxi to
Badingar (7 miles). Find the marked temple and
perform a traditional Indian good luck ritual. Once
completed, you will be given directions to the PIT
They decide not to use
it and to just head on to the brick factory. Brandon and
Nicole think about the Fast Forward and also decline, as
do the other two teams. Amazingly enough, everyone
thinks that the Fast Forward has been taken.
Meanwhile, Team Type A
arrives at the brickyard to find...
"Who's ready to get
down and dirty?" Enter the brick factory and use a
traditional Indian mold to make 20 mud bricks. The
task appears simple, but if the molds aren't filled
in just the right way, the bricks will fall apart.
Once the factory owner has determined that all 20
bricks have been properly formed, he will give you
the next clue.
Colin decides to get
down and dirty. He watches the experts make them as Chip
steps into the arena. His first brick... isn't even a
brick. Kim coaches him, as they score their first block.
Colin tries the four-blob method (it takes one perfect
big blob of mud to do it correctly) and comes up...
Brandon and Linda get
into the pit as Colin gets his first. Linda uses the
"think about making bread" technique to get her first.
But Colin & Christie are in the zone once they make some
more. Brandon & Nicole... still nothing. Kami steps in
next as Nicole thinks about the Fast Forward. Citing the
twins not going for it (or no one else for that matter),
they turn tail back to the Fast Forward.
Colin is on fire as he
knocks out his 20 as Kami blocks up one. His reward:
Make your way back to
Garia. Then find a train station and travel by train
to Sealdah Station (13 miles), where you will get
your next clue.
Back with Chip, "My
grandfather did this for forty years. He worked for the
Alton Brickyard. Big Lou... This is dedicated to you,
Lou." It's his 18th. And his 19th. And his 20th? Not
okay. The Bowling Moms get their 20, and the Married
Parents afterwards. Meanwhile the twins are still stuck
at two bricks and a dozen clods. After much pressuring,
Kami finally watches the pros do it.
The teams direct their
respective cabbies to the "choo-choo". Chip & Kim are
the first, in what could be a major coup. Colin, after
jumping out of his cab, finds the station just around
the corner. Bowling Moms are right behind, however, the
Moms only have American dollars remaining. And the
station can only accept rupees. The moms frustratingly
ask for rubles. Right now, they're scrambling for a
place to exchange their funds while the other teams
(sans twins and Models) grab the same crowded bus that
was used in a previous Race.
Back at the Globe, Kami
finally watches watches the guys do it before she
proceeds any further. That translates into three more
Linda & Karen are on
their way to the bank... in Calcutta? Nope. They hop
their cab up for a changeover, and they head back to the
At the Fast Forward,
Brandon & Nicole receive the second half of their Fast
Both of your heads must
The tools are out and
ready to be used.. but not on the two models, who are
apparently too proud of their hair. They perform their
own good luck ritual - praying. And they're going to
need it, because now THEY are in last place.
The twins have caught up
with the Bowling Moms only to find out that the train
with the Moms on it is leaving the station. And they're
not on it.
Heading over to Sealdah
Station, we find that the Parents and Type A are in line
Heavy But Short or Light But Long
HEAVY BUT SHORT: Take a
bus to Landsdown Paddo Pukur. Choose one of the
marked taxis and maneuver it half a mile to
Panditji's Garage. Once your taxi is in one of the
flagged parking spaces, the owner will give you the
HUMP & RIDE: Take a bus to the Howram Flower Market,
the largest in Kolkata. Find the Krishna Flower
Depot and collect a garland from the owner. Then
release the garland into the Ganges River, the holy
river of Hinduism, for good luck to receive their
One thing about these
taxis is that they don't have any engines. Type A and
the Parents, off the bus from Sealdah, where Colin
invites Chip to his gun show are quick to notice that,
so they have to get out and push while steering. They
enlist some help from the locals, and it's a race to the
garage. Watch out for the dog!
Meanwhile, it's hitting
the bricks for Brandon & Nicole, which turns out to be
easier once the pressure's off.
The Moms reach the
detour while the leading two teams hurry to the garage.
Colin & Christie are first, and they get the final clue
of this leg:
PIT STOP: Make your way
to the next PIT STOP: the Victoria Memorial. WARNING: the last team to
check in may be
The two teams get the
benefit of engines as Linda & Karen begin to push.
Brandon meets the locals while making his way to Sealdah.
Nicole's feeling claustrophobic by the stares. If you
were claustrophobic then, she'll be petrified in a few
moment. She's eventually released as her team begins to
push... just as the Moms and the twins finish up.
PIT STOP: VICTORIA MEMORIAL; KOLKATA, INDIA
The Race continues for the two leaders as they approach
the palace, not sure where to park. They take their
respective feet in their hands and make their way to be
greeted in traditional Hindi fashion by the locals and
traditional Amazing Race fashion by Phil. "Colin &
Christie, you're team #1!" They're excited, and they
should be, as they've also won a vacation in Mexico from
our friends at AA.com. Chip & Kim aren't far behind, but
alas, no Mexico for them.
The Moms are worried
about being last. The twins are beating feet to the
castle meanwhile. But it'll be before the Bowling Moms.
They're in third, and the twins are in fourth.
Brandon & Nicole finish
with their taxi and head to Victoria to await their
death knell. Had they went for the Fast Forward, they
would've been in first. Bald, but there's nothing wrong
with that. Another 2100 miles logged into the logbook of
the Dating Models... and they will keep logging in the
miles as this is non-elimination stop #3. Brandon:
"What?!" Nicole: "Shut up!" Nicole said "Shut up"? Shut
But this being an NEL,
you know what's coming next. Time for Phil to play the
Whammy and take their money. Further, they'll receive no
money to start the next leg. But the important thing is
that they have hope. Money is the least of their worries
next to survival, and that's important to remember,
because for the Dating Models, the next leg is "Lord
will provide" ONLY.
And Chris, if you can
read this, stay safe and well wishes.