This week, we have a bonus! Remember that we didn't have a World Idol competition this year? Well, after the following hour of television, you may know why.

Now we all know how big American Idol has grown for the last four years. Judges are famous, winners are famous, losers are infamous... But forget about the Kelly Clarksons, the Ruben Studdards, the Fantasias, the Bo Bices... okay, so I'm getting ahead of myself. Instead, let's talk about the Leroys, the Mary Roaches, the William Hungs and other assorted characters as we present for your viewing pleasure... "American Idol: The World's Worst Auditions."

History: FremantleMedia's Idols format is a hit in 31 countries, meaning that for every Simon Cowell, there's an Ian "Dicko" Dickson (British transplant on "Australian Idol"), and for every "Like a Virgin" Keith or William Hung, there's a cloggin' Klaus ("Idols") and a Michael Chan ("Australian Idol"). Okay, so that last one was pretty much a full circle thing.

Today, we look inside "American Idol", "Idols", "Superstar", "Superstar KZ", "Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar", "Canadian Idol", "ldolos", "Australian Idol", "A la Recherce de la Nouvelle Star".. and of course "Pop Idol" for the best of the worst from round the globe. Each of tonight's performers bring one common bond to the table... They suck. Hard.

First, we go to the UK, and the beginning... ITV's "Pop Idol 2001". If only for a montage of tempers, tears, and Will Young. That leads us to a trip through Russia, Belgium, the Netherlands, the Pan Arab nations, and Kazakhstan.

EP Ken Warwick: "The mistakes are common across the board. The people try to overdo the entrance, and of course, it never works." True that, we have the Belgian robot, the Pole jig (and I don't know what Polish judge Kuba Wodzjewowski said just then, but it can't be good), the Kazakh dude who forgot the lyrics... yeah, you'll be leaving now. But surely the good folks up in Canada have a bit of mercy. After all, this is the country that gave the world Ryan Vickers. ... See? Where else will you have a panel of judges help a guy who forgot the lyrics?

And the one thing that NEVER works: a bribe. Hats, flowers, posters, t-shirts that say "Big girls rock". In Poland is where they get creative. Anyone care for a prehistoric jaw?

And the kiss of death: the age limit. Here in America, you can be as old as 28 (which means I still have two more Idol lines in me), but some people.. just don't get it. EP Nigel Lythgoe: "It always amazes me that when people come into the audition room and lie about their age. It's pretty obvious that they're over the age limit." Cue Joseph Bland from earlier this season, and Brendan from Northern Ireland... with a medley of songs people love to hate, a voice that EVERYONE loves to hate, and a mullet that he hates himself.

Season two's "Against All Odds" returns us to the US for a bit of fuel, right before we get to... screeching. Queen banshee: Jennifer Amaro from Chicago. She was an Idol-wannabe from season 1, back when we literally had... nothing. Jennifer proves that point. Simon puts her in her place: "That was extraordinary. Extraordinarily BAD!"

Mere child's play compared... to Dicko. "I can think of a perfect place for you to perform. The Nullarbor. It's a big expanse of nothingness where no one can hear you." Nigel: "The Brits have got a good sense of humor when they're delivering a barbed comment. They deliver it with humor." Example: "We talk about the X-factor. You just created the Y-factor, 'cause I sat here and thought, 'Why the hell... did you bother showing up today'."

Another Brit-by-virtue-of-the-fact-that-the-Queen-is-on-their-money delivering a barbed comment: Canada's Zack Werner. "For the first time I kinda understand what childbirth must feel like. Because watching you go through that has to be one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through."

The Polish Simon: "You look like a stuffed bird."  The Polish Paula... is OLD. The Kiwi Paula (Kiwi = native of New Zealand) on "NZ Idol": "You can't actually sing in tune." That was so passive, it past right by me and I didn't even notice. The Australian Paula: "Sounds like you gargle with razorblades." The Canadian Waterman (Jake Gold): "*burble* What was that?" And the bullets begin a-flying. World War III will be fought in the audition room. One side: the judges. The other... the contestants who actually fight back, as this lady from Canada does, asking the judges what exactly good singing is.

And then there's Tammica... "That's Ta-MI-ka!" Okay Tamika, she has it out with all three AI judges. And then to the cameraman outside. You remember, British asses kissing hers... Paula's just jealous? Yeah, that. then you have the tearjerks, as Pete Waterman of "Pop Idol" illustrates to a Westlife clone. Then there's the Norwegian superhero and the tight-face from Germany with the air-guitar.

Dino Yazzie from season 2 kicks off "dudes and divas", where a guy will sing a girl's song. Rather horridly. Randy: "You ever been on a farm? Sheep tryin' to sing?" (bleats)

Elvis, Rick Astley, and nerds all coming up shortly. Yep, it's all about dancing from Germany to Canada and all points in between. The final verdict: "Please pass out."

Nigel is amazed at how many people imitate Elvis. In America... In New Zealand.. In Germany... In Kazakhstan... In Portugal.. In Australia...  and in one guy in Norway. In some guy in Poland. And in some Willie Nelson impersonator in the UK. Ouch. Elvis gets around.  Get'em, Pete! "I don't think this job's for you. How the hell can you do Elvis Presley like that."

We're at the "what not to wear" portion of the show, as we have the crossdresser, the wizard, the cowgirl pimp, a dragon (?), a cat, a bear, and Dorothy. Nigel puts it like this: "There's a correlation between what you wear and how much talent you have. The least talent, the least amount of clothes you wear." In short: compensation. Example: Gigi from Australia. No voice plus big whammies plus tight-fitting shirt even by Australian standards equals... "No one is ever going to get tired of taking photographs of you, but no one is ever going to want to listen to you."

Then comes a second-season contestant with the longest version of "Unchained Melody" ever... I can measure the years passing by as she is singing.

And then comes Keith, as he's talking to then-contestant-come-co-host Kristin Holt (who can now be seen hosting G4's "Cheat!".. Good that she's still working). Keith on the other hand... can be seen... well, somewhere... dancing... horribly. Scarily.

Then there are the freaks. One freak in particular is a bloke in England who claims the title of world's biggest Idols fan. Sorry, Gordon. He knows about the £5 million home in Holland Park (that's common knowledge) and what Pete Waterman was doing with Nicki Chapman last night (that... isn't). Unfortunately, he doesn't know a lick about singing. As doesn't this Dutch guy, who's so bad, he's actually bleeped.

And now, because you hung around this long.. NERDS! We relive Adam & Dirk. We relive Derek from season 1. We live (for the first time in America) Warren, who believes that he is the next "Pop Idol". Sounds like Sly doing "Eye of The Tiger". Cue nerd montage. Of course, we couldn't have a nerd montage without... William Hung. But he is put to shame by Chris in the UK. He calculates his odds as 1 in 500... Simon puts it right, though, "How come the odds are a million to one?"

From the truly bad, we look forward to the truly terrific. Carrie and Bo next week. One of them is the next American Idol. Tune in to see which one it is.