This season...on Last Comic Standing 5...it's an international flavor! Are you as enthused as I am??!!?!?

If you are...then you're feeling like this. Meh.

Nevertheless, it is LCS 5. I am Gordon Pepper, and we will be going international, with the top comics facing off for an NBC developmental contract and $250,000. That's not half bad.

Bill Bellamy walks us through the first episode, in which we will experience...

...wait for it...

AUDITIONS!

I actually preferred it in the first LCS, when they just threw the 20 comics up there and skipped the audition stuff. What do I know.

We start in NYC, where the comedians will audition at Gotham. The people who get past ANT, Kathleen Madigan and Alonzo Bodden will be asked to perform again later on that evening, where a certain few will move on to the qualifiers. They have all been on Last Comic Standing...and they all LOST! So what makes you think that these people who didn't win will know any better? (Before you write to me, yes I know that Bodden won a watered down season 3 version of last Comic Standing, but in the real season, he lost to John Heffron, so there. Deal.)

Our first comedian is Danny Morsel (West Broxbury, MA) He starts out funny with a combat doll, and then he gets into Combat Dancing and the skit goes straight down the toilet. Danny combat dances out of the club.

Lori Chase (Bloomfield, NJ) Lori goes into generic 'I've been in New York and haven't gotten raped.' and generic again, looking for a 4 letter crossword puzzle for type of rug, ignoring the advice of 'Shag'. Alonzo and I don't get it, but ANT and Kathleen send him through.

Maybe because they have seen too many Willy Sacco, who explains that he has been put through a nursing home. The problem was that I didn't know if he was joking or serious. 'You all know and I know - he's crazy' says Bellamy, as Willy laughs after each couple of words. With that, we get a montage of bad comedians - some so bad that we get plastic fruit thrown at some of them.

Dwayne Kennedy decides to go for the racial card, promoting racial harmony...sort of. 'The black man goes, 'Hey White Man, why are you afraid?', and the white man goes, 'Hey Black Man, why are you in my apartment?' The judges send him through - maybe because they had to put through either him or giggling Willy.

Michelle Butteau (NYC) says that comedy is her boyfriend. She talks about the solution to lighter women - Colonialism - and she's hoping that Columbus would discover her America. She also advances, 2-1 (with ANT being the dissenter).

We get a montage of puppeteers outside. Harry Berberian (NYC) gets to have a puppet inside, but after the stalker jokes, I'm guessing that the rest of the puppets went the way of Harry's, which is Hortense, the puppet of low self-esteem. They like the puppet, who tells a joke about dating a Chinese women who's both sweet and sour, but they don't like Harry, so out he goes.

Joe Devito (Long Island, NY) is temping at the job that he was laid off of, and people think that he's an office shooter. He calls himself more of a strangler, and that gets laughter. He finally gets all 3 judges in agreement, and he gets to advance.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? If you want the answer, text in. I'll spare you the 99 cents, because I've heard this one 99,000 times. It's a Buck an Ear! A Buccaneer! Get it? Alas, this is probably one of the funnier jokes I have heard this evening.

Jason Scarlati (NYC) joins the ANT fan club quickly. 'I am just so...gay.' He goes into a gay shtick about robbing a bank. This turns into a drag...literally...as he puts on pink nylon and mercifully gets stopped by Kathleen.

We get another montage of bad comics, including bad beatboxing (no, America's Got Talent is not the only person that does Bad Beat Boxing) and then someone named Billy does a name sketch - but gives Alonzo the name of Lorenzo. Oops.

'Freckles is what you get when you disappoint Jesus'. That comes from Chris White (Washington, D.C.) who also calls his father a leprechaun - and that gets him into the callbacks. Wha? Merick Teti (Philadelphia, PA) gives a bad joke - and sends himself out. Amy Schumer (Long Island, NY), on the other hand, talks about being ridiculed in Middle School by wearing 'Cats: The Musical' T-shirt.

Jane Condon (Greenwich, CT) actually comes off with the funniest line so far. 'I have no problem with same-sex marriage. My husband and I have had the same sex for 22 years. What's the problem?' Alonzo isn't feeling it, but ANT and Kathleen overrule her and she comes back for the evening show.

Arj Barker continues the laughter, as he talks about how America is the safest place on Earth...unless you have the Discovery Channel and turn it on for High Treason Week. That was funny, and all 3 judges pass him through.

The auditions are over, and the New York Showcase is here. After Bill talks about women turning 26 and asking where their relationship is at and tells the kids not to call their parents by their first names, we get Pete Dominick (NYC), who talks about his girlfriend proposing her engagement by announcing she was pregnant. He talks about naming kids - Sapphire? Stripper. Best name to make sure she doesn't have sex? Grandma.

Victor Varnado (NYC, NY) is a Black Albino, and is asked about his Superpower that other Black people can't do. His powers include using Sunscreen and catching cabs. Heh. Dwayne Kennedy (NYC, NY) tells us that Louis Farrakhan has cancer and needs the best treatment - too bad he started hating on the Jews. He's pretty good.

Wali Collins (NYC, NY) talks about kids now playing games, while the game he played in the car was 'Don't Get Burnt by Dad's Lit Cigarette'. He also compares a bus tour in Harlem to a safari.

Michelle Butteau comes back and complains that NYC calls her a Puerto Rican. She talks about having ugly parents having cute kids. White returns with a joke about him getting up a woman's hairy thigh - which means that he beat the spread. Those 2 jokes were cute - Lori Chase, talking about a GPS being a prostitute..eh...doesn't.

Jay Oakerson (Queens, NY) talks about Mel Gibson hating the Jews and the Jewish kids needing Claritin. Eh. Condon is the only person in my mind that steps up, describing her kids as 'ghetto' as they live in Greenwich and wear their J Crews.

Constaki Economopoulos (LA, CA) is getting older, because when he sees a hot chick, he wants to know who the mom is. It's never good when you have to explain your own jokes. Calise Hawkins (Springfield, IL), talks about street vernacular from common ruffians, and how she will turn from a ho to a ho that made it. The joke is ok, but the delivery is what works.

Arj Barker is back as well, talking about the people who need a puffy vest while going to a Mork and Mindy freeway while taking a canoeing class. It was ok, but he's getting too much TV time to not advance.

Next Joke of the Day - What did the Tortilla say when it got to the end of the tightrope? I'm guessing it wasn't 'I'm flipping out over this shameless 99 cents a minute plug'. Still, it's better than guess which comedian is holding the suitcase full of money, I guess.

Joe DeVito wants to win it and be completely obnoxious about it. It hit him that he's turning into his parents when he's trying on the wedding dress and tries to get out of sweat pants. Matt Kazam (Washington, DC) talks about tape delay on his jokes. That's not a good sign. However, Amy Schumer redeems herself by talking about the braces coming off of her legs or her friend announcing her pregnancy by saying 'I'm keeping this one' while accusing Amy of wanting the kid by breast feeding it.

The jury has deliberated, and we have the results. Moving on is...Amy Schumer, Joe DeVito, Arj Barker and Dwayne Kennedy. The Capital One Winner, is...Jane Condon. There's one person left, and that person is...Lori Chase? She and Schumer get in, Chris White and Wali Collins, both of whom I thought was funny, gets left out and I am bewildered. I can't really argue with the other choices though.

Am I going to argue about Montreal? Kathleen hopes that we get good Canadian comics, but if Jason Morneau, who talks about nothing in the world worth laughing about anymore while shedding a tear about Michael Jackson, then the comedians are in for a long night.

Richard Ryder has been in clubs for 10 years. 'I'm going to be 40 in gay years, which means I'll be dead.' He goes the gay route, which I'm not sure does much for the mainstream audience, but it's good enough for the judges to put him through.

We get a montage of lame jokes - including someone who is asked to tell jokes in French, but he gets more laughs that way. We also get someone Jewish and someone from the Middle East, who can only settle on naming their kid Christian. Yawn.

Then there's Gerry Dee, who got to the Hollywood level last year. He talks about an angry Muslim who actually only wanted to know if he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oooook. The judges send him through. Ooooook.

Kathleen Madigan demands that they find a funny comedienne. With that, we get a montage of bad Canadian Comediennes - and the reactions she gives to the bad females. Debra Digiovanni has been in the business for 7 years and maybe we have a funny female. 'I want to be known as a retrosexual, because I haven't had sex in 20 years and I like do it to 80's music. Who's Hungry Like the Wolf? Me! I'll make you do The Reflex...Love is a Battlefield...' She's into the
next round, and barring a disaster, she's a lock for Hollywood.

Next Joke of the Day - What's Orange and Sounds like a Parrot? Polly Tropicana! Yes, I'll be here all week, folks...

DeAnne Smith (Montreal, Quebec) wants to be the second female from Canada, although she is VERY shaky with her jokes (which included her friend doing what he loved while dying - getting torn limb from limb and calling a kid in a pirate suit a mini-rapist), but Kathleen and Alonzo move her in over ANT's objections. Something that the judges will be in total agreement is Mel Silverback, (Uganda, Africa) who's half Jewish, half mountain gorilla, and wearing a gorilla outfit 'I buy my tired wholesale and then I swing from them. You're a hot crowd. I'd like to throw my feces at you, and that's a term of endearment.' The judges put him through and I can't help but think that his voice sounds very familiar...

We move to the evening of call backs, and Richard Ryder starts. He talks about the On Star button if you're lonely or lost. He equates the exploding airbag to a punch from a Lesbian and he wants the smell of the airbag to be like cookies. Now THAT'S mainstream and he should get in easily.

Ryan Belleville (LA, CA) talks about Attention Deficit Disorder and equates it to a monkey pointing at pants. It was a cute skit, but I wonder what Mel Silverback thinks about this...

Graham Clark (Vancouver, British Columbia) put his microwave up to 43 minutes. Eh. Trevor Boris (Toronto, Ontario) talks about how gay people, who have to live a year in Canada before getting a divorce, will start an angry gay male revolution. Eh.

Deanne Smith talks about scientific Vs. religious work, as the sun is a warm hug...from Jesus. It was flat and I don't think it's going to be good enough. Gerry Dee talks about how a person 7 years back reads lines and imitates it. I didn't get it. Maybe it's a Canadian thing. How did he get to the Hollywood round last year?

Debra DiGiovanni returns, thanks the crowd for giving her something to do on a Saturday night, and talking about her cat licking peanut butter and making it look like the cat's talking. A step backwards from the first audition, but she should get through on the strength of that.

James Cunningham (Toronto, Ontario) talks about sexy Latinos and how he wants a mariachi band around him if he changes his name to Alejandro. Meanwhile, Mel is (Silver)back who wears a tuxedo and dated Dionne Fossey. He can get sex if he gets a 55 year old woman, takes her him and plays hide the banana. I think it's cool, but in order for him to get further, he has to be better than 1 one trick..er...gorilla.

So it's that time again. No, not time for me to wish for Buck Star. Time for the results. The first comedian representing Canada is...Mel Silverback, from LA. There's a nice slap in the face to the Canadians. Joining him is Debra DiGiovanni, who's never been to L.A. The last Canadian Comic is...Gerry Dee? Wow. Gerry moves on for his third time, while Richard Ryder doesn't even get a shot? That's lame, comics.

By the way, Mel Silverback is actually Dan Licoppe, who is a good comedian in his own right. He deserves the slot, but I really hope he does something else besides Mel Silverback.

The last joke of the day...oh wait, it's the pirate joke again. Sigh.

The last city of the day - San Antonio, Texas, and I'm guessing that with Courtney Nagler (Omaha, NE) trying to imitate Samuel L. Jackson, we're going to have issues. We get women with lame redneck jokes, guys taking off their clothes (much to ANT's screaming NO at him), Weird names, a 'Corduroy Ninja' who's asked to come back and bomb (and gets a retort of 'sure, he'll do ANT's material'. OUCH! True, though).

We may FINALLY get a good comedian in the form of Ralph Harris (Valley Village, CA), who's been on Seinfeld. He talks about him refusing to have thoughts when a woman asks for his opinion. He gets sent in to the night round - probably because there hasn't been anything good yet. Joining him is Bog Biggerstaff (Houston , TX), who talks about swiveling and giggling with his glasses. He also gets in.

Andi Smith (St. Louis, MO) talks about camping, which he equates to being in a trailer park without living there. I'm not from the South, so I don't understand why she advances, but I'll say it's a Southern thing. Billy D. Washigton tries to be cerebral (I know a dyslexic sign designer who writer 'Please pay the gas before pumping the cashier') and he gets stopped and is told to be more raw. 'I am adopted, and for that reason, I don't date older women'. THAT gets him through.

Brian R. Wallace (Bugtussle, TX) has a great city name, but bad generic jokes is sent on his way. Jimmy Cronk (New Brunswick, NJ), goes for the women's crotch joke and gets booted. Kathleen reminds us all that this is for CLEAN television, and that gives us the cue for a bleeped out expletive filled medley of comics who get booted.

Sabrina Matthews (Burbank, CA) says that the best way to leave you alone if you're on an airplane is to get out a coloring book and color. If that doesn't work, then color between the lines. That gets her into the late shift, as does Johnny Elbow (Dallas, TX), who talks about PSA announcements at work that are targeted at a specific person.

But will any of them get to Hoillywood? We appear at the San Antonio Showcase, where ANT, the comedians, and the Capital One Challenge is back. I guess that Capital One doesn't work out too well in Canada. Also back - Ralph Harris, who gets flattened by his girlfriend and talks about peeing on himself. He does his jittering thing again, which doesn't do it for me.

Andi Smith confuses pheasant hunting with peasant hunting and cheerleaders starting cancer with 'K'. She should get in, but I'm not sure about Bob Biggerstaff, who makes a comment about enjoying guys while eating pancakes. Huh? He redeems himself with trying to make cell phone noises to avoid talking to Visa, but that first joke is lame.

Sabrina Matthews talks about cats using the microwave to complete a suicide pact, with Kitty Kevorkian. She's a lesbian who gets yelled at for not being frilly. Here's the difference between her and some of the other gay comics - she's funny without having to resort to the gay jokes. Neither does Robert Hawkins (Grand Prairie, TX), 'I don't care if our waters are polluted with oil.
Thats what fish cook in, anyway. They aren't dying, they are marinating. What we need is a lemon wedge spill.' He probably didn't get enough air time to make it, but he's pretty good.

Roy Wood Jr. (Birmingham, AL) decides that there's nothing worse than making a will when you discover that you don't have anything to give away except a George Foreman Grill and a Shrek 2 DVD.

We get a repeat of the Joke of the Day (The Tortilla one). I thought we were promised the last joke of the day 20 minutes ago. Oh maybe they meant the last SORT OF FUNNY joke of the day. Ohhhhh...

Phil Palisoul (Continental, CO) 'Are you a little disappointed that this is how I turned out?'. No, but I'm disappointed that you showed up on my TV set. Billy D. Washington shows up on my TV set and talks about a reverse discrimination car jacking. It's ok, but I'm not sure if it's good enough. Dean Lewis (McKinney, TX) talks about how his horn is more effective than his brake pads. Johnny Elbow returns, talking about used cars being pre-owned and pedophiles being 'talent scouts'. Based on the talk about staying ok for TV, and based on the fact that his first punch line was bleeped out, I think that Johnny Elbow is a no go.

But we'll see right now, as the first comic moving on is...Andi Smith. Must be a Southern thing. Joining her is Sabrina Matthews and the Capital One favorite (which is also the last award) goes to...Ralph Harris? I can't blame this on the judges, since the audience voted him in. Ralph calls his family, while Bob Biggerstaff wonders if they already got a fat guy with glasses. I'm not sure yet, but they probably will.

That ends the first episode. My take? Eh. I get annoyed when they don't take the funniest people, and there were at least 3 decision that made me wonder if they weren't filling up quotas. My biggest problem is why Richard Ryder is not there and Gerry Dee (someone who couldn't get out of the Hollywood Round twice) is. I'm also wondering why 1/3rd of Canada is being represented by someone from Los Angeles - could it have hurt to add someone else from Canada through? Wasn't Robert Hawkins good enough to go as well? If the best person you have is dressed in a gorilla suit, then you have issues.

Next episode - We go to Florida and Australia. I'm waiting for Buck Star to show up. Join us in 7 days to see if he does - or what shows up in his stead.