Blackjack - January 17

Our show starts in two heats of 6. The top 3 are safe for the week and the rest are demoted to the next game. Every player in every game with a $10,000 bankroll, and only one person will win anything: namely $1,000,000 and the title.

Round 1 is blackjack. You know how it's done. Let's meet the team.

Ken Einiger (2:5 odds as per Wayne Allyn Root)
"Hollywood" Dave Stann (2:1)
Mike "the Mouth" Matusow (7:1)
Evelyn Ng (12:1)
Brandon "Big Boy" Newsome (literally a Big Boy) (20:1)
Alan Borman (30:1)

3 names we know, one of which we may actually want to be with. Let's get it on. It's round one and Hollywood comes out with $4,000! With a dealer 6, everyone stays on 18 or less, but Mike takes one for the team and busts. The dealer draws on soft 17 to hit 21! Mike's sacrifice was not in vain as Stann is down 4 large on the first hand.

Round 2 sees three blackjacks: Alan, Big Boy....and THE DEALER! Hollywood loses his chance to have fun with an 11, and the other two recipients of 21 push. Afterwards, Stann promises to kill himself on camera if he is knocked out tonight. (One can only hope)

In the next round, we see Stann with a three-card 20, Alan 3-card 18, Ng busts. Newsome, who started the hand in the lead with $9,000 has 17 vs a dealer Queen. What will he do? After a well-placed commercial, he mans up and hits the miracle four for 21! (Stann is nonplussed) Ken gets 18 in 4 cards, and Mike surrenders. Lucky for him, the dealer held 20.

One hand left and Big Boy has over $3 on the nearest player. Einiger goes All-In at first position. So is Mike. Stann bets 5300 at the buzzer. Big Boy bets min for kicks. Ken uses his 10 to get to 16 and then 17. He stays. Mike contemplates surrendering but hits before time-up and busts his 14. Stann started with 13 and says that's enough! Borman stays on 18, as does Ng. Big Boy splits 2's (6-card Charlie pays 11-to-1!) but only makes one hand. The dealer has 18, and that's it.

Newsome, Einiger, and Borman are in for Week 2. The other hope that they can beat whoever falls out of Heat 2 which is Carribean Stud. Each player antes and gets 5 cards. If you like your poker hand, you raise. If the dealer has A-K or higher, he qualifies and you get paid if you can beat it. Half poker, half blackjack, all Vegas. Trying their hands at this is:

David Williams (4:5)
Joanna W (4:1)
Steve "Chainsaw" Dempsey (Big Pimpin) (6:1)
Todd Haushalter (the big bad casino employee) (8:1)
Jerry Goldberg (started gambling in 1935 at age 13) (10:1)
Kaite Porrello (12:1)

It's old pros vs. young guns again. Quick, call GSN. In hand 1, Williams has 10's and is in, Joanna 7's, Todd A's, Jerry a set of 3's! The dealer holds 9's and Joanna's the odd one out. Jerry gets 3:1 on his trips and leaps ahead.

Next hand, Todd 3's, Jerry Q's, both in. Chainsaw has Jack high but raises anyway. The dealer has J-high and can't qualify so everyone wins something. Todd and Chainsaw exchange words about the latter's odd gambit.

New hand: Joanna A-K, Todd 3's, Chainsaw Q-J-10. Dealer has K-high. Everyone wins, but Chainsaw is still in 5th.

Last hand. Jerry has 12K and is in the lead. Chainsaw and Joanna hand pound and toast to their moxy. Dave has 7's, Joanna Q's, Jerry 8's, Chainsaw Q's as well, Katie 7's. Everyone's in but Todd. The dealer........Kings! It's a wipeout! Williams, Goldberg and Todd move on.

Six hustlers have one foot out the door. 2 can come back in in Round 3, which is Roulette. Before the first ball is dropped, The Mouth decides he has a bus to catch and goes all in on Black! Chainsaw counters with all-in on Red! (After all, it's the color of his pimp suit) The crowd is pumped. The players are pumped. The spin is pumped! The ball.....Red 1 Chainsaw pulls out his trademark move as he goes to 20 G's. Mike didn't really want to be there in the first place, and is out.

Next spin: it's an instant replay with Katie on Black vs Joanna on Red, both all in. Round and round it goes, and where it stops is......Red 30! Katie's gone. Joanna's in second (a good place to be), but has more than 2x the third place.

Next up, Chainsaw bets $200 on 0 hoping to screw everyone over...........................IT'S 0! Out comes the hardware again. He has over 30 grand! (Bet he wished he could cash)

Another spin: A lot of bets on the 30's. It comes out 33 Black and Evelyn Ng hits a 35:1 shot for over 10 large! Off comes the jacket (to everyone's delight) and she leaps into 2nd.

Joanna bets it all on Red for the final spin. Stann wants the 3rd 12 after changing from the middleat the last second. Evelyn has 11 and Chainsaw 7. It comes up black........ELEVEN! Ng pwns the field again and is safe for the night along with Big Pimpin Chainsaw.

Four are left to fear for their future in the Texas Hold 'Em Death Match. Two will sit pretty, and the others will go to Sudden Death. Hand One gives Hollywood Pocket Rockets! He calls the raise of the Mouth (J-10 Spades) The flop has 7-9 and fills out the set for Stan. They each throw in 1200. Blank on 4th. Mike says 12 (hundred). Stann says 65. The Mouth runs out and Hollywood rakes in at the box office.

Another hand, please. Stann has A-Q spades and calls. Katie has J-7s and calls. Mike raises and Dave goes over the top all-in. Mike calls with A-K of hearts, but is covered by Dave. Flop: 6-10-8. Turn is a 9, and river's a 2. Mike breaks the magic 20K mark and is automatically Sitting Pretty. The mouth will be talking next week and is out of the Death Match.

Three left at the table, so let's have a new hand. Katie has A-7 off and raises minimum. Dave A-K and goes all in. She calls and is essentially boned. Flop: 2-Q-9. Turn: 2. River is a 3 and Katie is out, too, but for the bad reasons. She heads off to the Sudden Death Match.

Moving on, Stann has 3-5 off and raises big. Joanna has 10-Ac and calls. The flop: 3-K-5--Two pair for Hollywood! They both go all-in. The turn is an 8 and Stann survives.

It's a catfight to survive the Sudden Death match. Whoever loses their stack is out (so it's not really Sudden Death). Katie has been sucking harder than the Saints, but has the Shick Quattro Poker Face of the Night. (Whee) Joanna calls her big blind with A-3 off. Katie has 10-7 off and checks. Flop: 5-7-9. Joanna raises 800 and gets a call. Turn's a 2. Joanna bets 500 and gets another call. River's an 8. Checks all around, and Joanna wins with 7's.

Next round, Joanna has A-9. Kate A-7 o' diamonds. Flop: 10d-Jd-6h. Katie bets big and wins the pot.

Once more, with feeling! Katie: A-Q, Joanna: 9's and goes all-in. Katie calls. Flop: 7-2-K Turn: 9. Set for Joanna and Katie's hosed. It's an even match again.

I'm running out of transitional phrases. Katie has 8-Q raises and gets a call with Joanna's K-4. Flop: 3-8-10 Joanna goes all-in with zilch and Katie calls, able to cover. Turn: 7. River..........5. Katie Porrello the baccarat dealer survives! Joanna got her hand caught in the cookie jar and is eliminated, leaving with as much moolah as she came with.

11 survived this week, but only one will be King of Vegas. Tune in next time and remember: DON'T GET ELIMINATED! (Sorry, couldn't help it)