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Balls of
Hurl
July 15
WARNING: under no circumstances should
you attempt the stunts that you are about to read about. They're very
dangerous and can cause irreparable body damage. Much like watching this
show. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Also, expect rather graphic explanations of the actions that progress...
even though we'll try to keep this tasteful.
Dictated. Not read. -The Management.
Now that that's out of the way.
We eat to live. We live to compete. This show... bypasses the whole
"living" bit.
Tonight, five competitors will binge on a veritable smorgasbord of food,
and try to keep from purging. How? By holding in their load through a
battery of extreme activities. Eat the most + hurl the least = win.
And the prize? $1000. No. Really. It's G4. What do you want?
In tonight's test, our players are going to have to eat 11 pounds of
mac'n'cheese in five minutes. The three people who eat the most head to
the Balls of Hurl, where they'll get dizzied up for five minutes. Last
one to toss their cookies wins.
Our five Hurl!ers tonight...
Sina
"C-Knuckle" Jasby
6'0", 185 lbs
hookah bar waiter |
Johnny
"Ice" Pollar
5'7", 155 lbs
out-of-work actor |
Lathan
"LJ" Jefferson
5'7", 150 lbs.
women's shoe salesman |
Fernando "Fernie" Huerta
5'9", 224 lbs
parts manager |
Andrew
"Bui" Bui
5'10", 160 lbs
civil engineer |
Round 1: The Mac'n'Cheese
The players have five minutes to eat as much mac'n'cheese as possible.
They can wash it down with some soda, but remember, only the three
biggest pigs advance.
A "hurl" is defined as any swallowed food that comes up and out.
Halfway through this binge (and burp) fest, Fernando has wolfed down 28
ounces. Sina chokes on 31. LJ has 32 and slowing. Johnny has 38. But the
leader is Andrew with 42 ounces of mac'n'cheese.
And he has time to taunt. Andrew has had enough of his mouth, so he
tries boxing out the loud full-mouth.
And at the end of the five...
Andrew - 2.76 lbs - 44 oz
Johnny - 2.29 lbs - 37 oz
LJ - 2.16 lbs - 35 oz
Fernando - 1.89 lbs - 30 oz
Sina - 2.06 lbs - 33 oz
That means that Fernando and Sina are headed to the porcelain throne
early, because they're out.
Round 2: The Balls of Hurl
Five minutes as a human bowling ball. If any man hurls, he is out.
Whoever holds on will go on to round 2...
And after five minutes, it's all three. So we head back to the eating
stations for...
Round 3: The Pumpkin Pies
Five pies, four minutes. Again, first to toss their cookies is out.
After five minutes if no one has blown a gasket, then the top two
finishers will advance.
Johnny gives us a hurl warning.... and he holds it in... and another
hurl warning... and another hold in. Johnny currently leads with 7
ounces of pie to the others' 5. ....
Final 10 seconds... and here's where we stand.
Andrew - 0.58 lbs - 9 oz
LJ - 0.55 lbs - 8.8 oz
Johnny - 0.71 lbs - 11 oz.
Which means that Andrew & Johnny are heading to the final round, while
LJ goes down... and gets a chance to go back up.
Aaaand there it goes.
Back to the balls for...
Round 4: Back Into the Balls
Another four minutes into the Balls of Hurl. First to lose it loses it.
After four minutes... no one is letting up an inch. Johnny starts to
feel his oats sewing within him...
No winner, so we head to...
Sudden Barf: Pumpkin Pie... with Whipped Cream.
One pie each, served within the confines of your nice little ballsacs.
First to spew loses. If no one hurls, it's back to bowling.
Johnny's the first to break a sweat... Andrew's dangerously close,
though... Annnnnd a 2 bucket hurl gives... wait, make it a three bucket
hurl. That gives Johnny Ice the $1000 and this week's Iron Stomach
Award.
Hurl moves to its regular time on Sunday. See you then. If you don't
blow chunks first... like Johnny.
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