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Episode 1
July 17
(C-Note: First up, the disclaimer...
Some of the acts competing have been paid to appear. During the
production process the producer and network may have suggested changes
in the performance of certain acts for entertainment purposes...
Oh... and don't try any of this stuff anywhere.)
Remember back in the 1970s, when people ill-fit for a talent show were
judged by a panel ill-fit for a talent show panel, and the host himself
was a bit of a wild-and-crazy guy... even when sober? And the winner got
$516.32?
Well, strap yourself in, because it's about to happen all over again.
The Drunk Beaver of Reality says he's no Chuck Barris.... Yep.
Tonight's judges...
JB Smoove ("'til Death, Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Dave Navarro (Jane's Addiction)
Andy Dick
They'll give a score from 0 to 500. Most points wins.
First act to take the stage for a shot at $600... TRASH. A rock-and-roll
outfit complete with a chick with a lollipop. Because nothing says trash
metal like a chick with a lollipop.
Apparently JB thinks otherwise. *GONG!!!!* "I like the girl suckin',
because the band behind the girl is suckin'."
Next up, let's have some magic from LA... ROBERT C. LANDER. His brand of
magic consists of performing gastric bypass surgery on himself.. and
pulling out half a rabbit. And the other half!
JB: 1
DAVE: 300
ANDY: ... after taking a bite out of the bloody rabbit... 500
TOTAL: 801
Next up, a great athlete, MIGHTY MIKE... He's a midget wrestler. And
he's wrestling an oncoming challenger... Of course, it's all staged,
like this act. Because let's face it, some of the Gong Show acts are
indeed staged. You know, to fill a half-hour of time.
ANDY: 313
DAVE: 100
JB: ... after tag-team with Andy against the two wrestlers... 467
TOTAL: 880
And yet, they scored it... Andy even asked if they were supposed to.
Don't think so, Andy.
Next, the future of entertainment... TRIXIE LITTLE AND THE EVIL HATE
MONKEY. This act entails burlesque dancing out of a volcano... with an
evil hate monkey. That turns into a balancing act, and what a balancing
act. That turns into the monkey's strategically placed leaves falling
off... And that turns into... BOOBIES!
JB: 198
DAVE: 150
ANDY: 111
TOTAL: 459
Next, it's time to rock... with DOUGLAS LEE AND HIS WATER SYMPHONY...
playing "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" on the wine glasses.
JB: 499
DAVE: 317
ANDY: 100
TOTAL: 916
Next act... RUSSELL & TERRY, TRUE LOVE & REALITY. They stomp and play
their bare chests... and mouths.
JB: 434. "Umgawa."
DAVE: 322
ANDY: 500
TOTAL: 1256
Now to more magic... with DAVE JUSGOW from Hoboken, NJ. ... and we're
out of time. Tonight's winner will get a Gong Show championship belt...
$600... AND a backrub from Andy.
And tonight's winners... RUSSELL & TERRY! They get the belt, the
Presidents, and... confetti!
We'll be back with more... STUFF... next time... |
