Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,
That started from this tropic port, aboard a tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailor man, the Skipper, brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day on a three-hour tour,
A three-hour tour...

And thus began the longest three-hour tour in television history. So how do you keep it fresh for an ever changing world? Make it into a reality show. And that's precisely what TBS has done. And the kicker, it's not the story of seven stranded castaways... but 14!

And hey, maybe we'll finally get an answer to that age-old question... Ginger or Mary Ann? To this end, a nationwide casting call for real-life first mates, real life skippers, real-life millionaire, real life actresses, real-life professors, and real life Kansas farm girls were held. The results yielded these ... characters, until we came down to a final group to hop aboard the SS Minnow...

Gilligan: Chris O'Malley; 20; Boston; works as a sailor while not a student; prefers Mary Ann.
Skipper: Bob Fahey; 52; Plum Island, MA; harbor master and skipper for 30 years.
Millionaires: Glenn & Mindy Stearns; 40/35; LA; he's an entrepreneur; she's a reporter. Net worth: over $500 million.
Movie Star: Rachel Hunter; 35; originally from Auckland, NZ; model-turned-actress best remembered for "Rock Star", worst remembered in "Are You Hot?", and somewhere in the middle for the Stacey's Mom video; has no underwear on at the moment.
Professor: Pat Abbott; 64; San Diego; geology professor at UC-San Diego
Mary Ann: Kate Koth; 21; Manchester, KS; student; daughter of Survivor: The Amazon's Janet Koth; was in Maxim... that speaks for itself.

This would make for a pretty interesting game in and of itself, but we have yet another team of castaways, on the Minnow 2:

Gilligan: Mark "Gooner" Groesbeck; 31; Weedsport, NY; simple-minded first-mate; clumsiest man on earth; prefers Ginger.
Skipper: Jim Murray; 55; Massachusetts; owns a stonemason business; formerly in the Navy.
Millionaires: Bill & Donna Beavens; 47/45; Kentucky; own three companies in the supply business; she's a staunch conservative. Net worth: under $3 million.
Movie Star: Nicole Eggert; 32; Glendale, CA; two words... Baywatch Babe.
Professor: Eric Anderson; 36; Stony Brook, NY; sociology professor and author; openly gay.
Mary Ann: Amanda Dodson; 21; Elsmore, KS; college student

And so, ten passengers set sail that day for what's supposed to be a three-hour tour, aware that the weather's about to take a turn for the worst, but unaware that an even bigger storm will be brewing onshore. You see, they have no idea that there are two sets of castaways.

The castaways of the Minnow 1 arrive onshore and are excited over the limited amenities. They said they'd be up for anything... but are they up for this? Here comes the castaways of the Minnow 2. Both are surprised, but none more so than Gilligan Chris. Skipper Jim says that "there are two people in charge, but only one can be captain of the ship. Me."

So we have two of each character, but that won't be for long, because over the new few days, there will be competitions that will whittle the 14 down to seven. (Movie Star Nicole: "[Rachel's] a little intimidating. It's not like going head to head. It's like going head-to-boob.") The final 7 will stay in the game with a chance of going home with the grand prize. The other seven will be banished to the other side of the island with no chance of rescue or the grand prize. Minnow 1 (Chris, Bob, Glenn, Mindy, Rachel, Pat & Kate) are the Gold Team. Minnow 2 (Gooner, Jim, Bill, Donna, Nicole, Eric & Amanda) are the Green Team. All they have to survive are the clothes on their backs, the stuff brought for their three-hour tour, and some knick-knacks left by the last set of castaways.

The girls arrive at their hut to the quick realization that their beds are... well, better for their backs than most. And that they are being shared with ants. Rachel is quick to note that true colors will be quick to pop up. Glenn & Mindy take to their new home immediately, while Bill & Donna... yeah.

Prof. Pat thinks about resources: food, water, and the like. He and Prof. Eric seemed to be two peas from the same pod when it came to preparation. The girls join the rest of the castaways in that attempt, as Millionairess Donna noted that Eric wanted too much attention. "Came across as very loud. Very outgoing. I had guessed already that he was probably a gay professor." Give the lady a prize.

Meanwhile, Rachel whacks a coconut.. thing. Pat helps her out and gets some juice out of it. Just don't drink it unless you plan on crapping the rest of the game.

Then, it's off to unpack their belongings. Someone brought along their food, but is it enough for three hours? Is it even enough for 14 people? Umm... no.

That night, it's a get-to-know-you session around the table. About the Professors: Pat goes for quality of degrees, while Eric takes quantity. Eric brings up being with his partner for six years, and naturally Donna has some hidden animosity about that. She goes on to describe hers and Bill's kids as "our kids". Mindy begins to think that she's rubbing her the wrong way.

Later that night, Glenn offers to pay Mary Ann Kate for massages. She jumps at the offer. Also that night, Eric and Donna discuss the American myth that "if you work hard, you will be successful." Glenn calls her "wacky." And Nicole's just... watching. She goes to leave, but almost crushes a baby sea turtle. Nothing like a turtle to bring about peace, eh?

Bedtime, and Chris is watching Gooner ... try to get to bed. "Good night Skipper." "Good night, little buddy."

Next day, and it's wakey wakey time. "Sleeping on that bed is literally like sleeping on a bed of concrete," says Eric. The Millionaires were seemingly awaken by the sound of Donna's voice. Glenn & Mindy try to swap their sleeping arrangements for the Gilligans. "For $20, I'll buy your pillow." Deal.

And it's back to ribbing on Donna. Glenn wonders how someone could marry that woman, while (in an attempt for equal-time) Donna says that Mindy is very flamboyant and bragging. Meanwhile, Gooner is powering the shower pump while Rachel is in it... "I got to shower Rachel Hunter? Hell yeah, brother!"

"Attention castaways..." It's Scott with the first team competition. "Your desire to win burns bright as the sun. But it'll take more than that to keep you warm at night." How cryptic. But just as we're all getting chummy, it's Green vs. Gold time.

The teams must swim over to a platform and release the anchor holding it and the fire wok atop of it. Then get the platform back onto shore and use the fire to light a campfire signaling victory. That's right, kiddies. It's the first ever Survivor Immunity challenge. They win a few basic amenities to make the island life a little more bearable.

Hope you can swim in your clothes. Naturally, Nicole is leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else. But all in all, it's a dead heat. Gold is back on land first, getting their torch. They have an insurmountable lead and are pretty much assured a victory... but then Skipper Bob crash lands. Rachel tries to walk him through the pain.. but he falls again. This is getting serious. Looking at him, Kate was getting scared as he couldn't catch his breath. So while Green cruised to victory, Gold rallied about Bob. Rachel can relate all too well, as her father had a like episode. He was rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead on arrival. "I didn't give a (^_^) about the game. It was all about making sure that he was okay."

Gooner put Green Team sentiments forward: "It would've been better to win without someone getting hurt, but hey, a win's a win!"

Meanwhile, the Gold Team returns to camp... without a Skipper.