"PMS-ing Cows" - July
Two seasons ago, we went to a California dude ranch
and passed on the traditions of our dogie-punching
forbearers to eight city slickers... err, seven city
slickers (Megumi quit). Then last season, CMT made the
fool mistake of reality TV: involve couples and send
them to Hawaii. This season, we go back to what works,
as city-slicker-turned-cowboy-instructor Rocco Wachman
and his sidekick Judd Leffew try and turn eight city
slickers into full-on cowboys...
God help them.
This season, we go to
West Texas, "cowboy country to the bone." Let's meet the
eight wranglers hoping to make it there.
Sacramento, CA: spends most of her time working indoors.
"What I lack in athletic prowess I make up for in
director; Los Angeles: loves to make people laugh. Wants
to prove himself the best darn cowboy from the city.
teacher; New York City: thinks this will be a once in a
Oviedo, FL: feels like the cell phone is part of his
body. "Going to Cowboy U.. will take me to places I've
never been before."
merchandiser; Los Angeles: loves to shop. Hates mud.
trainer; Westwood, CA: loves motorcycles because of the
freedom from not having to be in the same place in the
same time. Is a bad winner and a bad loser.
designer; Santa Monica, CA: recently divorced. She's at
a crossroads in her life.
Lakeland, FL: Never really in a bad mood. He's ready to
try something new.
Trademark phrase coming:
no one knows what the hell they're getting into... First
off: Rocco's word is law and gospel. They'll learn that
first. Then they meet Judd, who starts each day by
looking death in the face, eight seconds at a time. The
ladies... all have a thing for him. Fawn: "If he's what
cowboys look like.. sign me up!" The guys... are either
awestruck or scared crapless. And Judd's first words:
"That was a little demonstration of what you guys are
going to be doing in two weeks."
Day 1: 11:30a. The
slickers arrive at the house, and their luggage departs
for parts unknown. Rocco arrives with eight saddlebags,
saying that everything they'll need for the next 14 days
are in them. He gives them an hour to get settled.
Inside the bunkhouse, they learn three things:
1) With the presence of
toiletries, Rocco was dead serious about not getting
their luggage back.
2) Texans love dead animals for some reason.
3) The guys and the girls will be sharing one bunkhouse.
Corey: "God, I hope
these people eat the right foods at night." More
surprises await with the outdoor cold showers and two
sizes too small jeans. "Cowboys in town, trouble
Day 1: 1p - Wild Cow
Milking. The first of many exposure to livestock. Their
first assignment: milk the cow. Rocco: "If you really
want to impress me, drink it." Rachel is the first up...
and the first down. She's kicked. But she gets her milk
at least. Brian gets some, then George, Tera (take a
drink)... but Fawn got a little bit prissy. Candy also
had a hard time, but faced her fear. Corey also
got-r-dun (and that's the last time I'll EVER use that
phrase!). Sal gets tail-whipped. "She killed my foot."
It's official. Sal is officially perpetrating.
Day 1: 7:30p - Dinner.
The only kosher meal the 'boys'll get, because the next
meals will be made by them. Over dinner, Rocco & Judd
explain how things work around here. Every so often,
they'll evaluate the slickers on determination, the
drive to succeed, etc. Best evaluation gets a prize. At
the end of boot camp, we'll have a four-event rodeo,
where the winner will get $25,000, which is typical
prize money for a rodeo. If they had to ride a bull
tomorrow... Rachel wouldn't get on it. First. Judd calls
her the weak link. But the bad news: second week of boot
camp, Rocco & Judd will begin cutting people down to
George thinks Sal is
first to go, while Corey thinks Rachel is first.
Day 2: 5:30a - wake-up
call. Rachel: "Good morning to you, too." They make
their own breakfast (as planned... sort of), and Judd
enters with chore chips. Each chip has a chore; whoever
draws what will be responsible for that. And lucky
Sal... He gets to muck the stalls! I think he likes
Day 2: 8:30a - roping
lesson. "This is going to be bad." And indeed it is, as
no one gets the wrist work off the bat. Fawn is the
first one to rope a straw cow. "It's a rhythm. And I got
plenty of rhythm, so that worked out real well." Candy
and Corey get it as do others. Rocco: "There is hope for
the American cowboy."
Yeah, just wait until...
Day 2: 12 noon - horse assignment. Sure enough, Sal, the
one with the biggest mouth, gets the horse with the
biggest mouth. He gets Pitchfork. Rachel gets Bert.
Corey gets Ali. Tera gets Scooby. George gets Jackpot.
Brian gets Blueboy. Candy gets Lucky (heh). And Fawn
gets Howie (named after her hospice-bound father).
Day 2: 2:30p - First
riding lesson. Simple as left foot up, swing around, sit
her down. Candy seems to have a problem with it.
Everyone's getting around... except Bert. Rachel finally
gets it, in time for everyone to dismount... and
remount. And Candy again has a problem with it.
The main lesson here: heels down, toes up. Sal's talking
too much to get the point.
And of course, since
it's the first lesson, Rocco's going to call it
Day 3: 6:30a. Time to
chase pigs. Teams of two will have to corral two pigs
each. Fastest team wins. Sal & Fawn are, reluctantly, a
team. Brian & Rachel, Tera & Corey, and Candy & George
also cowboy up. Tera & Corey get two in :57. Brian &
Rachel get two in 1:46. Candy & George get ... muddy.
It's up to Sal & Fawn. Record is 57 seconds... Go! Sal
gets his pig in 20. ... and we got a new world record!
45 seconds! Nice! And they celebrate with a perculator.
Now let's shower. In cold water. Insert dirty thoughts
Day 3: 1p - Second
riding lesson. This time, Rocco is just simulating
walking out on the trail while having the horses walk
past poles. He calls Corey the best. But then again,
it's not the ideal lesson that Rocco was looking for.
The rest of the lesson comes off alright, except for
Sal's constant heel mistakes. Heels down, toes up. It
gets so bad that Sal's horse is taken away. In fact,
Rocco just goes and takes all the horses away. As Sal
gets a good cry in, the rest of the ranchers start
picking up rocks.
Rocco returns to the
ring to call Sal to the barn in 10 minutes. He
acknowledges that he jeopardized everyone's safety, and
learns to be slow to speak and quick to listen.
Now to the evals...
Brian is in the middle
of the pack. George has some things to learn about
posture. Sal... we already went over Sal. Rachel needs
horseback lessons. Fawn is a ball of fire. Tera needs
roping work. Candy's "an ornery little sucker." Corey is
fantastic on horseback. Tonight's reward goes to...
Corey. Of course. Tomorrow, he gets to give his chores
to someone else.
Wonder what Corey won't
have to do? Wonder no more...
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