Gordon: We have seen celebrities dance with the pros. The results...good.
Don: Quite good.
Gordon: We have also seen celebrities sing with stars in Celebrity Duets. The results...not so good.
Don: Earplugs were useful.
Jason: Very
Rob: That's why I love the Mute Button.
Gordon: And then, there was But Can They Sing, which unleashed various horrors upon the population of America, both aurally and visually. Bai Ling humping a bar stool, anyone?
Jason: I am still scarred.
Rob: Bai Ling still haunts me.
Don: That's a sight that will never leave my memories...
Gordon: And now, the latest string of celebrity fueled talent shows...MTV's Celebrity Rap Superstar! This is Gordon Pepper, once again welcoming us to our live roundtable. Joining me is my Canadian partner in crime, Mr.. Don 'Donut' Harpwood.
Don: I'm not sure if the Canadian feed of MTV will be airing this, but hey, that kind of thing didn't stop me from joining in the past!
Gordon: The show is on the MTV Website for you to watch.
Don: Thanks...I think.
Gordon: Also with us on the quest, Mr. Jason Block.
Jason: What special hell am I going into for this?
Gordon: The special Hell that Chico and I go to every week. Joining us from the West Coast is Rob Seidelman. How is Seattle treating you?
Rob: I wish I was in Capital Hill right now. I could be seeing a few concerts and eating at Bimbos Cantina. But, since I have no social life, I'm here.
Gordon: And the world thanks you for it. So before we hear the artists, will this be better or worse than But Can They Sing?
Rob: It can't get much worse.
Gordon: We are warned that it was a bad idea, and even worse, it's completely live.
Don: Uh-oh.
Gordon: Kevin Hart is hosting the show, as they remind us that the audience will vote to see who wins.
Don: Somehow, I get the feeling that they won't receive too many votes.
Gordon: We see the judges - DMC, Da Brat and Big Boy
Jason: Big Boy lost a ton of weight
Gordon: We start with rapper Tone Loc and his celebrity....oh no...Perez Hilton?
Jason: The man who forcibly outs people for no reason.
Rob: He looks like Ant, except even more flamboyant.
Gordon: Perez is coming out in Green Hair and purple and pink suits. Perez promises to be part of the deadly duo. That outfit alone should put people into a coma.
Jason: He does Right Thurr by Chingy.
Gordon: Tone says that he has a lot of work ahead of him. No kidding, Tone. The good thing is that when you rap, you don't have to be in tune. The bad news is that you have to be in rhythmic time, and in that department, Perez was lacking.
Jason: For an amateur...that wasn't terrible.
Gordon: DMC says that he reminds him of his rap teacher, Da Brat says he wasn't bad and Big Boy calls him the rap world's Oompa Loompa. Perez takes creative liberty with Right Thurr, changing his search from a lady to a dude.
Don: lol
Rob: Man, I wouldn't have guessed.
Gordon: He also gets away with only one segment of the rap instead of rapping the whole song.
Rob: Lame.
Gordon: He wasn't awful, but I'm not going to mistake him for KRS-One any time in the near future.
Rob: So, let's see who's the next person we get to make fun of, I mean judge.
Gordon: Next up...from the Atlanta Falcons, It's Jamal Anderson. His rapping mentor is Redman. His song - 'Big Things Poppin' by T.I.
Don: A football player... I'm expecting a fumble here.
Gordon: T.I. is from the Dirty South - Atlanta, to be exact, so Jamal has to get it right...doesn't he?
Rob: And he didn't.
Jason: again...not terrible
Rob: But then again, not great either.
Gordon: He reminded me of a robot. He was sound, technically, but he didn't have the emotion behind it. Big Boy didn't like the freestyling, Da Brat said he ran out of gas (and he needs a new stylist) and DMC wanted him to own the song and be more cocky. I agree with DMC. He was way too tentative.
Rob: In Rap, Cockiness = Cash.
Gordon: Next up...Kendra Wilkinson from Playboy
Rob: Wait, one of the Girls Next Door?
Gordon: I believe so. Of course, it's not everyday that one of the girls next door gets nekkid :). Too Short is the rapper. Kendra displays her buns, but can she display her rapping talent?
Rob: I wonder what Hugh Hefner's thinking right now?
Gordon: You can ask him. He's right there in the special guest section.
Don: Ah.
Gordon: Kendra says that she has stage fright. What are you doing again on this show, Kendra? That's right, she has some nice ass...sets.
Jason: Ok...she can't rap
Rob: She can't even do anything without acting ditzy.
Gordon: We get another shot of Hugh Hefner, watching Kendra mutilate the lyrics.
Rob: (Inside Hugh Hefner's head) Ok, now I know why I don't let her talk or why I don't let her sing.
Gordon: I'll say this though - she brought the emotion that Jamal didn't have.
Don: What song is she wrecking?
Rob: Candy, by Foxy Brown.
Gordon: Big Boy says that she liked her moves but had some work to do, Da Brat thought she was nervous and DMC says she's not 'hood.
Rob: Well she's living in the playboy mansion and is sleeping with Hugh Hefner. Of course she's not hood.
Don: Sounds like the candy is sour, then.
Gordon: Next up - Bubba Sparxx, presenting Jason Wahler.
Jason: Who is he?
Gordon: Now if you don't know who Jason Wahler is, he was in The Hills. In other words, he's an MTV-made Media Ho.
Don: Figures.
Gordon: Jason gets to be 'Ridin' Dirty'
Rob: Oh no, not this song, anything but this song.
Don: Oh, boy...
Gordon: Though he certainly fits the 'White'n' Nerdy' part
Jason: YIPE!
Rob: Only Weird Al can perform this song true.
Gordon: And if I didn't know any better, I would think that he was rapping the lyrics to that song instead of 'Riding Dirty'. I don't know exactly what song those lyrics that he's chirping comes from. We officially have our first truly painful performance of the evening.
Jason: That was horrible.
Don: Earplugs, anyone?
Gordon: Kevin is speechless
Jason: Nice
Gordon: Big Boy says it's back to the Hills, DMC says that he loses and Da Brat says 'No Wonder Lauren dumped your a$$'
Don: Ouch.
Gordon: MC Lyte brings out star #5 - Shar Jackson
Rob: Who?
Jason: Kevin Federline's 1st baby mama
Gordon: But will she be your Baby Momma?
Don: My guess: No.
Gordon: She gets the song 'Tambourine'. Now THIS is what Im talking about. She brings the moxy and spunk and though she screws up a lyric, she's pretty good.
Rob: For the last 10 seconds, she just shakes her booty. However, she's good.
Gordon: Da Brat - 'The kids are home saying, 'At least My Momma knows how to rap'. DMC wants to know when the album is coming out, while Big Boy says that she owned it.
Don: Wow.
Rob: We have a winner.
Gordon: And that's not an easy song to rap.
Jason: She's ok
Gordon: Warren G is spreading the G Funk with Countess Vaughn
Rob: She is performing Lip Gloss by Lil Mama.
Jason: I love that one
Gordon: I thought she did a good job getting it all together
Rob: She really did.
Gordon: DMC loves the performances, Big Boy thought she owned it, while Da Brat also loved it. Two in a row. Who would have thunk it? Korrupt brings up Rapper #7 - Sebastian Bach.
Rob: Now this oughta be interesting.
Gordon: This is either going to be Shar Jackson caliber, or Jason Wahler caliber
Don: I remember that he's from a rock band, but I can't remember which one right now...
Rob: Skid Row lead singer Sebastian Bach performs LL Cool J's 'Mama Said Knock You Out'. And did a pretty good job of it.
Jason: Oh yeah
Gordon: Easily the person who best put it all together. Big Boy has him rocking out, Da Brat loved him rocking her out, and DMC welcomes him to the world of Rap.
Don: Nice.
Gordon: I thought he did a solid job. The last rapper is Bizarre. The last celebrity is...oh you have got to be kidding me...Pedro??!!?!?
Don: Wha?
Jason: From Napoleon Dynamite.
Gordon: Efren Ramirez is the person's name, and Hip-Hop is his game.
Don: I'm getting a bad feeling about this one...
Gordon: Efren gets 'In the Club' by 50 Cent.
Jason: Oh boy. Hell to the no.
Gordon: Efren has gong to the Brandon Rogers school of singing, complete with mangled and forgotten lyrics. He should be booted from the show and banned from the club.
Don: Heh.
Gordon: Big Boy will not be voting for Pedro, Da Brat says it was the worst of the night, because at least Jason was trying, and DMC was wondering when the 'practice' part was happening.
Don: Yipes.
Gordon: Efren says that he didn't want to do the song because there was a lot of bad words. Is anyone buying this explanation?
Jason: Hell no.
Don: Nope.
Gordon: Now the judges can select one celebrity to be 'safe'. I would think that Shar, Sebastian and the Countess will all get saved.
Rob: Perfectly fine.
Gordon: DMC saves...Sebastian Bach. No surprise there.
Rob: Definitely not.
Gordon: Da Brat saves...Shar Jackson. No surprise there.
Don: Of course.
Jason: Nope
Gordon: Big Boy Saves Coun...Perez Hilton??!!?!?
Jason: What?
Don: Huh???
Gordon: The reasoning is that he feels that Countess will be safe, so he wanted to save someone that he thought would be in trouble.
Don: Um, okay.
Rob: That's pretty stupid.
Gordon: I'm going to separate the celebrities into 3 groups. Haves, Sort of Haves, and Have nots.

Haves: Shar Jackson, Sebastian Bach, Countess Vaughn
Sort of Haves: Perez Hilton, Jamal Anderson
Have nots: Jason Wahler, Efren Ramirez, Kendra Wilkinson

Jason: I agree with Gordon
Don: Looks accurate to me.
Gordon: So Countess Vaughn, Jamal Anderson, Kendra Wilkinson, Jason Wahler and Efren Ramirez are up for the boot. Who gets booted?
Jason: Jason
Rob: Jason, maybe Kendra if there's a Hills contingent out there.
Don: Jason
Gordon: I'm going to say that Jason will stick around. I think Efren is toast. Last thoughts on the first episode?
Don: At least it seems to be better than But Can They Sing.
Rob: It was at least better than But Can They Sing.
Jason: A lot better actually
Gordon: We actually talent on this show. Thanks for everyone's input this evening. This is Gordon Pepper, telling everyone to Spread the Love - and the good rapping.