It's the biggest thing to happen to arts & crafts since Martha Stewart. It's Style Network's new battle royale, the Craft Corner Deathmatch, a show that can only be described, using tele-gebra, as "Iron Chef" plus "Wickedly Perfect" minus the suck. Simply put: two crafters enter the arena, one leaves with a splint on her arm and her mouth welded shut by a hot glue gun.

Your host tonight, Jason Jones, all the demeanor of a GUTS-era Mike O'Malley with the name of my best friend in high school. And yes, folks, they "take this show seriously", which means... expect goofiness.

Tonight, Heather Steinberg, an amateur sculptor with a license to bedazzle and a knack for decoupage, takes on Dari Richmond, a handmade flower arranger who could knit her way out of any bag.

The rules: the crafters will be competing against each other and the clock for two rounds. Their creations will be judged on a scale of 1 to 10, based on beauty, creativity, and utility.

And who are these judges, you ask? Well, since you were so nice about it...

Tonight's judges:
Ereka Vetrini ("The Apprentice", "The Tony Danza Show")
Melanie Falick (author of numerous knitting books, including "Weekend Knitting")
Stacey Blume (owner/creator of BlumeGirl.com)

Whoever has the most points at the end of round 2 goes to the bonus round to take on the house crafter, the Craft Lady of Steel. Defeat her, and you could walk away with... a scrapbook cruise for two from Scrapbook Cruises/Days Off Travel. "Does that sound fun? Yeah? Well it's NOT!"

This guy's insane!

Tonight, the first challenge is to create trivets, AKA hot plates. A nature-themed collage between two glass squares bound by copper tape... and by nature-themed, we mean trash from the ecosystem of 106th St. in beautiful (heh) Spanish Harlem! "I assume we've all had our tetanus shots." You have 10 minutes... GO!

Dari is trying to fashion something from ticket stubs. She beleives in the old adage, "One man's trash is another's treasure." Meanwhile Heather fashions a theme of natural products. Among them... nori seaweed. And she's got the pinking shears out. While they go for a pattern with their junk, here's an in-depth look at how you can make your own trash trivet...

You'll need scrap paper and two glass squares, each 1/8 of an inch thick. Arrange scraps in a desired pattern on one square. Trim and shape your decorations using various scissors and punchers. Then put the other square on and seal with copper tape. I made this little number from scraps of old "Wickedly Perfect" recaps.

And speaking of copper tape, it's out on Dari's side already with 18 seconds to go. Heather better hurry. She's back against the walls here. And.. done just in time. Now to the judging...

Heather was really excited when she saw all the nature products, but she didn't totally finish on time. Ereka really lets Heather have it, as it's not useful, and the back is just gone to waste. Melanie likes the theme, but she may get a cut. Stacey likes the back.

Dari thinks the craft speaks for itself. Ereka likes the color scheme. Melanie likes the way it's held together, but has utility issues. Stacey: "You make me want to bake a cake."

Dari wins round 1. But remember, there's still another round to go. Next up.... laundry? Not for long. The challenge: turn men's underwear into women's underwear. Both are equipped with bedazzlers, and around the arena are ribbons and other assorted embellishments. You have 10 minutes to create one ensemble. CRAFT!

Dari makes the gambit of taking the ribbons for herself, leaving Heather with scraps. Heather, on the other hand, does the opposite. Heather's strategy: Philadelphia Eagles. Dari's strategy: Valentine's Day.

To try this out for yourself (although we can't be responsible for anything that happens afterwards), just get some trimmings and a pair of tighty-whiteys. Cut a hole in the butt for your head. Bedazzle as needed.

And back to the action. It seems that both women forget that they can use the dummies provided. And even with 10 seconds to go, the mannequins are still naked as they day they were... uh.. manufactured. Doesn't matter, as we're down to the last five. Dari's almost done. Heather still behind and that's time's up! Now to the judging, but first... rhinestones: a timeline.

144,000,000 BC: molten silica combines with water forming quartz. Dinosaurs fail to take notice.

65,000,000 BC: plate tectonics begin to move the continents to their present day positions. AS an aside, a rich bed of crystals will move under a body of water that will come to be known as the Rhine River.

1892: Daniel Swarovsky cuts his first crystal. Of many.

1970s: Liberace gives rhinestones a bad name. Glen Campbell gives rhinestones a good name... and a song for that matter.

1984: "Rhinestone" with Sly Stallone and Dolly Parton, once again, gives rhinestones a bad name.

1986: Liberace dies. Rhinestone markets never recover.

NOW to the judging. Heather defends the motif, but could this be Victoria's darkest secret EVER? Ereka thought the Z was cute, but the shorts had way too much material. Melanie plays the "deserted island" feel. Stacey likes the Z as well.

Now to Dari's dainties. She made it flirty and fun. Ereka loves the top, but takes issue with the crotch. Melanie agrees. Stacey also agrees.

By seven-tenths of a point, Heather is tonight's champion on Craft Corner Deathmatch, leaving Dari to take the walk of shame. For her triumph, Heather wins a pajama party set and a set of bed linens. Not only that, she also wins a rendezvous with the Craft Lady of Steel!

How scary is she? The professional textile designer and recipient of the National Endowment for the Arts fellowship has 10 years of professional craft stylistics under her belt and is known the world over. She graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design AND she was once an employee of the queen of good things herself. Truly... a force... to be reckoned with.

The final challenge: sculpey. Both competitors will have to make an item of Heather's choosing inspired by a holiday of CLoS's choosing. And in a move not seen since Bob Barker in the 80s, they'll have to pull both choices from Jason's pockets. Heather chooses two napkin rings. CLoS pulls New Year's Eve. The judges are in isolation and.... BEGIN!

Heather's going for bright colors and combinations. CLoS is using a pasta machine to easily blend and layer colors. You can preserve your creations by baking them in any conventional oven. Back to battle, we're down to the wire, and once again, Heather is in scramble mode.

Now to the double blind acid test. We have retrofittings (A) versus some sort of Mardi Gras looking... thing (B). They choose A... and A belongs to the Craft Lady of Steel! So another challenger comes and goes with nothing more than parting gifts. Until the next deathmatch, remember the CCDM credo: "It's cheaper and easier just to buy stuff."