Challenge/Underwear Sex Change Challenge - March 9
It's the biggest thing to
happen to arts & crafts since Martha Stewart. It's Style
Network's new battle royale, the Craft Corner Deathmatch,
a show that can only be described, using tele-gebra, as
"Iron Chef" plus "Wickedly Perfect" minus the suck.
Simply put: two crafters enter the arena, one leaves
with a splint on her arm and her mouth welded shut by a
hot glue gun.
Your host tonight, Jason
Jones, all the demeanor of a GUTS-era Mike O'Malley with
the name of my best friend in high school. And yes,
folks, they "take this show seriously", which means...
Steinberg, an amateur sculptor with a license to
bedazzle and a knack for decoupage, takes on Dari
Richmond, a handmade flower arranger who could knit her
way out of any bag.
The rules: the crafters
will be competing against each other and the clock for
two rounds. Their creations will be judged on a scale of
1 to 10, based on beauty, creativity, and utility.
And who are these
judges, you ask? Well, since you were so nice about
Ereka Vetrini ("The Apprentice", "The Tony Danza Show")
Melanie Falick (author of numerous knitting books,
including "Weekend Knitting")
Stacey Blume (owner/creator of BlumeGirl.com)
Whoever has the most
points at the end of round 2 goes to the bonus round to
take on the house crafter, the Craft Lady of Steel.
Defeat her, and you could walk away with... a scrapbook
cruise for two from Scrapbook Cruises/Days Off Travel.
"Does that sound fun? Yeah? Well it's NOT!"
This guy's insane!
Tonight, the first
challenge is to create trivets, AKA hot plates. A
nature-themed collage between two glass squares bound by
copper tape... and by nature-themed, we mean trash from
the ecosystem of 106th St. in beautiful (heh) Spanish
Harlem! "I assume we've all had our tetanus shots." You
have 10 minutes... GO!
Dari is trying to
fashion something from ticket stubs. She beleives in the
old adage, "One man's trash is another's treasure."
Meanwhile Heather fashions a theme of natural products.
Among them... nori seaweed. And she's got the pinking
shears out. While they go for a pattern with their junk,
here's an in-depth look at how you can make your own
You'll need scrap paper
and two glass squares, each 1/8 of an inch thick.
Arrange scraps in a desired pattern on one square. Trim
and shape your decorations using various scissors and
punchers. Then put the other square on and seal with
copper tape. I made this little number from scraps of
old "Wickedly Perfect" recaps.
And speaking of copper
tape, it's out on Dari's side already with 18 seconds to
go. Heather better hurry. She's back against the walls
here. And.. done just in time. Now to the judging...
Heather was really
excited when she saw all the nature products, but she
didn't totally finish on time. Ereka really lets Heather
have it, as it's not useful, and the back is just gone
to waste. Melanie likes the theme, but she may get a
cut. Stacey likes the back.
Dari thinks the craft
speaks for itself. Ereka likes the color scheme. Melanie
likes the way it's held together, but has utility
issues. Stacey: "You make me want to bake a cake."
Dari wins round 1. But
remember, there's still another round to go. Next up....
laundry? Not for long. The challenge: turn men's
underwear into women's underwear. Both are equipped with
bedazzlers, and around the arena are ribbons and other
assorted embellishments. You have 10 minutes to create
one ensemble. CRAFT!
Dari makes the gambit of
taking the ribbons for herself, leaving Heather with
scraps. Heather, on the other hand, does the opposite.
Heather's strategy: Philadelphia Eagles. Dari's
strategy: Valentine's Day.
To try this out for
yourself (although we can't be responsible for anything
that happens afterwards), just get some trimmings and a
pair of tighty-whiteys. Cut a hole in the butt for your
head. Bedazzle as needed.
And back to the action.
It seems that both women forget that they can use the
dummies provided. And even with 10 seconds to go, the
mannequins are still naked as they day they were... uh..
manufactured. Doesn't matter, as we're down to the last
five. Dari's almost done. Heather still behind and
that's time's up! Now to the judging, but first...
rhinestones: a timeline.
144,000,000 BC: molten
silica combines with water forming quartz. Dinosaurs
fail to take notice.
65,000,000 BC: plate
tectonics begin to move the continents to their present
day positions. AS an aside, a rich bed of crystals will
move under a body of water that will come to be known as
the Rhine River.
1892: Daniel Swarovsky
cuts his first crystal. Of many.
1970s: Liberace gives
rhinestones a bad name. Glen Campbell gives rhinestones
a good name... and a song for that matter.
1984: "Rhinestone" with
Sly Stallone and Dolly Parton, once again, gives
rhinestones a bad name.
1986: Liberace dies.
Rhinestone markets never recover.
NOW to the judging.
Heather defends the motif, but could this be Victoria's
darkest secret EVER? Ereka thought the Z was cute, but
the shorts had way too much material. Melanie plays the
"deserted island" feel. Stacey likes the Z as well.
Now to Dari's dainties.
She made it flirty and fun. Ereka loves the top, but
takes issue with the crotch. Melanie agrees. Stacey also
By seven-tenths of a
point, Heather is tonight's champion on Craft Corner
Deathmatch, leaving Dari to take the walk of shame. For
her triumph, Heather wins a pajama party set and a set
of bed linens. Not only that, she also wins a rendezvous
with the Craft Lady of Steel!
How scary is she? The
professional textile designer and recipient of the
National Endowment for the Arts fellowship has 10 years
of professional craft stylistics under her belt and is
known the world over. She graduated from the Rhode
Island School of Design AND she was once an employee of
the queen of good things herself. Truly... a force... to
be reckoned with.
The final challenge:
sculpey. Both competitors will have to make an item of
Heather's choosing inspired by a holiday of CLoS's
choosing. And in a move not seen since Bob Barker in the
80s, they'll have to pull both choices from Jason's
pockets. Heather chooses two napkin rings. CLoS pulls
New Year's Eve. The judges are in isolation and....
Heather's going for
bright colors and combinations. CLoS is using a pasta
machine to easily blend and layer colors. You can
preserve your creations by baking them in any
conventional oven. Back to battle, we're down to the
wire, and once again, Heather is in scramble mode.
Now to the double blind
acid test. We have retrofittings (A) versus some sort of
Mardi Gras looking... thing (B). They choose A... and A
belongs to the Craft Lady of Steel! So another
challenger comes and goes with nothing more than parting
gifts. Until the next deathmatch, remember the CCDM
credo: "It's cheaper and easier just to buy stuff."