It's a whole new season. It's a whole new secret. It's a whole new house.

No, seriously. I mean, have you SEEN this thing? Forty-seven cameras, 76 microphones, three months' worth of peanut butter & jelly, and tons of surprises aloft two stories of CBS backlot space.

One of the secrets is already out, as we know that the cast this time is playing for up to $1 million. Here's Julie Chen to explain how it's gonna go down. "There are secrets in the house, secrets in the game, and even our houseguests have secrets." Among them, each player will play the Big Brother game with a friend/co-worker/significant other from the outside world. Each pair believes that they're the one pair. But all the players share in that secret. And if they can keep the secret, it could pay off big time; if a secret team is the last two people standing, the winner will receive $1 million. The runner-up a heft wedge of cheddar themselves, $250,000.

Let's meet the teams... err, players.

"Hi, I'm Jennifer. And I'm the total package."
"I'm Michael, and the houseguests are going to be putty in my hand."
"I'm Ivette, and I've got a secret the houseguests will NEVER guess!" (a hint: she's just not that into me.)
"I'm Howie, and I'm forecasting stormy weather for the rest of the houseguests."
"Hi, I'm Janelle, and I've got all the tips for winning."
"Hi, I'm Rachel, and I'm going to gallop right past the competition."
"I'm Beau, and I'm going to add some style to the house."
"I'm Sarah, and this nice girl ISN'T going to finish last."
"I'm Maggie, and the other houseguests are going to NEED a nurse when I'm done with them."
"I'm James, and nothing gets past me."
"I'm April, and I'm a cutthroat competitor."
"I'm Ashlea (pronounced "ash-LEE-ah"), and I'm going to use everything I've got to win."
"My name is Eric, and I'm going to turn up the heat in the Big Brother house."
"I'm Kaysar, and I refuse to bow down to the competition."

That's right... Six men... and eight women. Not counting the gay dude (for those playing along at home, that would be Beau. The balance is tipped. It's moving day. "See you in three months, (^_^)es!"

First up, the conventional move-in procedures. First group into the house: Ashlea, Howie, James, Jennifer, and April. They make a mad dash to... well, nowhere in particular. Howie calls the house shagadelic. He can't find the beds, but April does... all nine of them (as well as three sleeping bags and a futon... all in the same room). Next in the house: Kaysar, Beau, Maggie, and Rachel. Howie suggests that one of the girls jump into bed with another. And speaking of... Ivette, Sarah, Eric, Michael, and Janelle are the final group in the house. Janelle discovers what can only be described as "a secret room". "I swear there's another room in this house, but we just can't find it!" Ivette says. Janelle volunteers a sleeping bag, but wants a blanket as well. Eric sets a new BB record for pissing someone off by pointing out the logistics behind said sleeping bag.

The girls go to the living room, thinking that the guys are off making an alliance. Not true. Kaysar and Michael are looking at the dual showers. Secret team probability with the handshake and geography (Blockbusters 87 board setup SFX): one in 2 against. Very likely that they are a team.

The players get to know each other. You can get to know them by visiting our Roundtable off to the side. First impressions: Janelle's the resident hottie, "not 100 percent natural" (using BB5 parlance, she's this season's Holly). Beau is a personal shopper and the trademark homosexual (Eric: "Who cares?"). Not me. Jennifer is an Arena Football dancer. Howie calls her stand-offish. Ashlea is a fashion student. Michael is an artist. Kaysar is also in graphic design. Eric is the only married dude in the house. Howie is a meteorology student, who sees the benefit in saying "50 percent chance of rain." James thinks psycho. I think he and Michael can easily be the new "Jase and Savage". Sarah is a lingerie manager. Ivette is a born-and-bred resident of Miami, a waitress, and a former teacher. Rachel is from Colorado. Maggie is an ER nurse (confession, hopes aren't high at the moment). April is a newlywed. James says that he was also a teacher. A lie. He's never been a teacher. He's a loss prevention manager. He just wanted to seem non-threatening. Michael wants to see how friendly we get once we get further into the summer.

Competition time, but first, a toast, "to one hell of a summer." This time, we're competing for food and the Head of Household key in one game. Everyone... in your swimsuits now.

HOH/FOOD COMPETITION: Board Ball/Board Bail

The kitchen, as sleek as it is, has only three things:

- a leading brand of peanut butter
- a leading brand of jelly
- several loaves of bread.

Me? I would have no problem if that was the only thing that I ever ate. But the lesser minds in the BB House may have a problem with that, so it's time to compete for groceries. It's a very simple game. In two teams of seven, the players must collect coconuts, pass coconuts, and toss them into a tiki head. All while the team balances on the board. But that's not all, because afterwards, it's a competition to see who will move into the most luxurious HOH room EVER. "It's a room definitely worth fighting for."

Teams are... Ivette, Beau, Jennifer, Michael, Eric, Ashlea & Kaysar (blue) versus Sarah, Howie, Janelle, Rachel, James, Maggie & April (orange). Howie says that Big Brother took a big step up in the selection of the ladies, while Sarah notices that the guys are all hot. You know, we haven't seen a fat dude since Chicken George in season 1. What's up with that? To that, Ashlea... cops a feel.

Winners get food for the week, while losers get goobers'n'grapes. Julie says "Surf's up" in the most anti-Californian way possible, and the challenge begins. Howie is tall and jumps the orange team to a 2-0 lead. Kaysar said that he plays basketball.... If you saw him today, you wouldn't believe it. Must be the member of phi-slamma-jamma, that Kaysar. Ironically, it's Beau who gets the first blue bucket. At one time, blue wipes out... well, almost. Ashlea didn't want to get her hair wet, that priss. Michael finally sank four, but it's kinda like shooting a dead horse, because the orange team completely wipes the floor with the blue team, 23-7. "We smote... SMOTE! the other team," April says.

But again, I'll say, it's not over yet. Now all the orange team members must mount the board for a last-man-standing showdown. That person will be the first HOH. Again, Julie says "Surf's up" with all the emotion of Pat Finn on one of his better days.

Meanwhile, in the house, Ivette and Ashlea are wary that the Orange Team could start up an alliance (this is what happens when you turn Big Brother into a game of "Survivor" in a house").

The same thing goes on in the minds of the Orange Team, and they get an idea to act on it, forming and alliance and then choosing one of their own to be Head of Household. It's not going to be James, because his legs give out at 10 minutes. Wimp.

Michael and Kaysar watch on from the porch as they begin to put the pieces together: "That means one of us is going to get booted." Kaysar begins to think it's him, because he's a standout player. He's a Muslim... moreover, he's an Arab. Still moreover... he's Iraqi. Michael tells him to chill, because "it's too early for alliances." Yeah, says you, Michael.

Back on the board, the gentleman's agreement amongst the Orange Team Alliance is that whoever wants HOH gets it. Janelle... won't get it either. It'll come down to Sarah, Howie, and April.

Back in the bedroom, Eric notes that it's "eight girls and six guys. They could pick us off one after another if they want to." Man, this is just one bad reality cliche after another. "I think the guys need to stick together; it's a numbers game," Eric says. He must be a fan of the site, too...

Back on the board, April, Maggie, and Sarah all get off at once, leaving Howie and Rachel to fight it out. Good move on Maggie's part, because historically, the first HOH doesn't make it halfway into the summer. As for Howie and Rachel, Howie thinks that everyone else thinks that they're forming an alliance. And if I may, I have to point this out... Big Brother is very unpredictable, because people who usually play Survivor are smarter than houseguests. Think about that. After 2 hours and 35 minutes, Howie experiences a "call of nature", giving the first HOH to Rachel.

Later that night, Kaysar goes upstairs to the loft to pray. Because he is a Muslim, he has to a) find out which side of the house points to Mecca, and b) pray five times a day. "My prayers will last five minutes each. It's a good method to remember God." Ashlea asks about it, thinking about biased opinions due to current world events. "Getting to know him as an individual, you get through those judgments and those biases." Good on ya, Ashlea.

Meanwhile, the houseguests are amped to see Rachel's HOH room. And Julie said that this was the first HOH room ever? She wasn't kidding. This isn't a room... It's a FREAKIN' APARTMENT! Private bathroom, shower, toilet... and Sarah's jealous. After gawking in awe, the OTA goes into the HOH room to plan the next two weeks... namely picking off the blue team. Rachel doesn't like nominating anyone, but it's a responsibility that she must endure.

The next day: Jennifer calls Michael hot, Howie hot (once he shut up. His greatest line: "Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!"), and James a cutie. James thinks that she's flirtatious. Eric goes back to "guys vs. girls". Kaysar agrees. The guys trust each other, but Eric can't trust Beau, and Howie will just swing wherever the wind goes. So it's James, Kaysar, Eric, and Michael. So far as they know. "Once we get to the final four, we're on our own." So we have this season's Four Horsemen.

In the HOH WC, Rachel suggests voting off a female instead of a male. The targets (that Rachel didn't get to know, so she claims): Ashlea and Kaysar. "That Rachel scares me the most," Maggie says, "I think she, like I, is playing it from day one."

This next part gets me. See, James and Eric take their mics off, but their words are still in the room thanks to the overhead booms. Conversation goes like this: James thinks that Rachel may put Jennifer up, because she's too flirtatious. Eric says that "us guys have to stick together." James relays his concerns to Rachel. Rachel agrees. Haven't said anything yet.

But is about to act. It is time for the nomination ceremony. On the block: Jennifer for being too flirtatious and Kaysar & Ashlea for just being on the wrong team at the wrong time. Remember: a lost key means that you are in danger of losing your place in the house.

First key... Janelle. Then Maggie, Beau, Jennifer (!), Eric, April (no clear division or pecking order yet), Ivette, James, Michael, Sarah, and Howie. This, of course, means that Ashlea and Kaysar are marked for eviction. Rachel gives no reason other than "there are 13 other people in this house. There's nothing personal."

Kaysar is stunned into action ("I'm not here to take this lying down."). Ashlea is going to go out fighting. Rachel noticed that Ashlea is going to break down into tears. Eric is prepared for the upcoming veto. That's next show. Right now, the customary preview of the summer to come, including the revelation of the secret pairs next week. Among the surprises: that secret room that everyone went on about. Then there's the plug for the live feed at CBS.com. As for coverage of the show, I (Chico) will take Thursdays, while my good buddies and fellow stooges (wait, that's season 4) Eric Pierce and G-Dog Pepper will take Tuesdays and Saturdays respectively. So next time, Eric will be in for me.

But for now, we leave you as we eavesdrop on the houseguests. From outside the new Big Brother House... Good night!