"Dante's Inferno" -
6:02a: The night after the first elimination, and it's
sleepytime for Joes, and visions of Anna are dancing
about their heads. Meanwhile, Dante is downstairs in the
kitchen doing... God knows what. Whatever it is, it
involves a ladle, a bowl, and one too many episodes of
Hell's Kitchen. Chuck called it a "rude awakening"...
And speaking of...
229 miles northeast of Los
Angeles... visions of seven Ferraris are dancing in the
Back at the Joe House,
Dante is warning the others of the "impending storm",
saying that there has to be a game plan. Igor thinks
that Dante's making the hunks seem like "superhuman
android devils." "They're human beings! I know how to
handle human beings." Dante's ideas for strategy... a
belly flop contest. This coming from a man who pelted
dodgeballs last year. Clay calls the ideas "garbage."
Igor says he's planning for something that he doesn't
know is going to happen...
Oh, the invasion is on,
Switching over to Sea
World for a moment. Ann enters wearing pigtails and
having all the cute demeanor of a 10-year-old. A
dangerous age. We all remember how it felt to court a
10-year-old... Too old for toys, too young for boys.
Hurt like a... Anyway. After riding a rollercoaster and
what looks like Escape from Pompeii (the waterfall ride
out of Busch Gardens), Anna calls her brood a bunch of
The air of good feelings
is trampled by... Dante's smelly feet. "If you really
want to eliminate people on a show, that's really the
best way to do it!" It works as he's the only one to
talk until "Hey, Anna!" Here comes Igor and Chuck. And
Anna's like "back off. Some of these guys are coming on
way too strong."
Meanwhile, a message
from beyond: "Guys in the house, enjoy it while it
lasts. Because I'm coming soon." So says Greg Duke
(25; fitness trainer/model), Brad (who actually feels
bad for the guys... who'd've thought?), Rocky, Chris
Carson (25; night club promoter/model), Craig, the
other Josh, and Mike. Be careful, Joes.
Back at Sea World, Anna
chooses Nathan to come up with her and meet Shamu. She
likes the quiet, sweet, kind type. Anna hugs Shamu...
awww... Nathan hugs the whale... awww... He says it felt
And speaking of which,
it's time for Anna who consults a sea lion for her first
one-on-one date. It goes to... not Igor... not Chuck...
not Jesus Josh... it's all about Aaron C.
Aaron and Anna go to
play with the second-smartest species on earth behind...
mice. That's right, it's dolphin time. "It's like my
dreams are coming true," she says. And surprise, out
pops a kiss over two dolphins. You have to wonder what
they think about the chemistry here.
Aaron wanted things to
flow naturally, as he thought he was a geek growing up.
Anna thought he was very nervous. He breaks out "the
movie theatre arm." He thinks it's a good idea. Anna's
like... "Uh, what's this arm doing here?" But all in
all, she's glad he was the one who was chosen. They end
the date on a high note. Green plusses go off...
3:40a: The Joes are
thinking about retaliation... against Dante. The end
result... he is taped to the bed.
Next day, it's onto
Anna's yacht with Gino, Igor, Dante, Clay, Dan, and
Josh. They're off to Malibu to play in wet suits. Igor
asks the million dollar question: "You wear underwear
under your wet suit or you go butt naked?" Anna: "You
can go commando if you want to." Hardy har har.
Surrounded by Igor and Dante, Josh makes the smooth move
by handing Anna a shawl for her cold self. She thanks
everyone for coming out with her today... in Polish.
Dante translates: "You're all voted off."
Speaking of, we see that
Chuck is leaving for personal reasons. His friend is in
the hospital. All the best to Chuck and his friend.
Jason's sorry to see him go.
Meanwhile, in Malibu,
the Joes and Anna go toobin', and Dante... well, tries.
Dante eventually made it in the blasted thing.
Later on, he asks a
piercing question: "What would you take on a deserted
island?" Clay would take a Bible. Gino takes his
mother's homemade sauce. Igor would take condoms. To
practice by himself. Not to mention that he totally said
this in front of Anna, but... condoms?! The guys are
thinking that he's making "too many references." Gino
wants Clay, Danny, or Josh to get the date tonight. But
Anna pulls the end run, picking G... as in Gino.
Here we are at dinner,
as Gino says that he doesn't need candles, because
Anna's lighting up a room. He's the romantic, and Anna's
liking that. "He's kind, he's warm." A little "faccia
redonda" (what the Italians calls a round face), a
little "vino", and then... Gino loses it. God, does this
guy ever stop kissing? Those lips have a mind of their
own! But it was all for the best, as he goes to the
captain to tell her that she "drove me to my destiny."
All this, and a "five-year-old dance."
But danger looms... 48
miles outside of Los Angeles.... "Who do you think she's
going to choose? Some big old hairy guy or me?" Shirt
comes off, pecs come out. And I may be violently ill.
Meanwhile, in a park,
frisbees and dogs. Jason thinks that Arthur monopolizes
the date with frisbee lessons and talk about Francis...
Albert... Sinatra. And he seals the deal, getting the
third date today. And all he can talk about is Vegas and
the Rat Pack. It's okay with Anna, because she's from
Vegas and she's been in this sort of thing before. "He's
very old school. He knows how to treat a lady." The
party moves to the pool, where Anna teaches Art dog
commands in Polish. And I'm sorry if I offend anyone
with my piss-poor spelling here. "Szej" means sit, and "dai
buzji" means give kiss. Art gives the command as an
asking, and Anna... obeys. Sly dog. Arthur says that
he's "disarmed." Anna says that he knows how to treat a
Then Arthur comes with a
bombshell... he's a divorcee. The entire relationship
lasted for four years. After that, he pretty much gave
up on love. But this is the first time he's laid it all
out since then, and to show her that, Arthur gives her
his lucky pair of dice. "I don't need dice in my right
pocket to be lucky. Because I am lucky." And we have
makeout, while "Fly Me to the Moon" plays in his head.
And some lounge lizard song playing out of his mouth.
36 miles outside of Los
Angeles... an army of waiters, models, personal
trainers, and other such beings park at Muscle Beach for
what looks to be an overexaggerated display of manhood.
Geez, how homoerotic is this? Not to mention that a)
they eat with the same potty mouth they talk with and b)
they like to show butt crack. Eww...
This show is taken to
the Queen Mary, as we go to tonight's elimination. Now
we just have to wait for Queen Anna. Arthur, Aaron, and
Josh N. (whom Anna said that he wasn't picked for a
reason) get props.
"I hate elimination
night. I don't know who to choose."
Meanwhile, 0.2 nautical
miles away, the invasion is ready for ambush. Back on
dry land, it's curtains for four of the 11 Joe....
namely Igor (with all of his condoms), Dan, Joshua the
Messiah... and Aaron? Whoa. Bombshell. Hurts Anna a lot.
As Anna congratulates the survivors, it's not over yet.
Because lingering off onto the beach... the danger that
Dante had been warning about all this time... a display
of fireworks? Don't trust the editing, something that
elaborate cannot possibly come from a flare gun. Wait a
second... BEHIND YOU!
And there they are...
lined up like a firing squad. Faux intimidation sets in
for both sides.
(soapbox mode on)
Here's the part I hate,
because these guys are probably paid off to act like
they're better than guys like them. Than guys like me.
So you work out. So you're cut. Who gives a flying
(^_^). Show me your mind. Show me your soul. Show me
what makes you you. Take away the muscles. Take away the
face. Take away your devil may care arrogance. Show me
what you're left with.
(soapbox mode off)
(soapbox mode on)
And I still think that
season 1 did it right with the introduction. It was more
real, more believable. Here we just have caricature
versus caricature. I mean come on, TV. We're not stupid
(soapbox mode off)
(soapbox mode on)
We're not subhuman.
(soapbox mode off)
Okay, I've said my
piece. Luckily, the show isn't over yet. The bus has one
final stop to make. This time... the Messiah is risen.
Joshua is going under the microscope to make a return to
the game. The nutritionist tells him he eats like a
girl. The trainer tells him that he's pretty athletic.
Teeth are whitened. The life coach tells him that he
hides himself. "Underneath all the bizarre behavior, the
beard, and the hair is a sensitive deep man." then, the
moment Josh has been dreading... his haircut and shave,
as he goes from "God the son" to "Good God, he's a
pretty boy!" A second chance to make a first impression,
as Joshua Smith is ready to return.
And not too soon,
because next week, all Hell breaks loose.