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America's love affair with the reality-show bachelor is tested... as is the virtue of Anna Chudoba, as she must choose a mate from a bevy of... well, let's just say outer-beauty-challenged suitors.

Recaps by Chico Alexander, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Host:
Anna Chudoba
Announcer: Andrew Glassman
Creator: Stuart Krasnow
EP: Stuart Krasnow, Andrew Glassman
Packager: Krasnow Productions for NBC Universal Television Studio
Airs: Tuesdays at 8pm ET on NBC


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No infringement of copyright is intended by these fan pages; production companies of shows this site covers retain all rights to the sounds, images, and information contained herein. No challenge to copyright is implied. 

Web design by Jason Elliott. Logo by Chico Alexander. 

"Dante's Inferno" - July 5

6:02a: The night after the first elimination, and it's sleepytime for Joes, and visions of Anna are dancing about their heads. Meanwhile, Dante is downstairs in the kitchen doing... God knows what. Whatever it is, it involves a ladle, a bowl, and one too many episodes of Hell's Kitchen. Chuck called it a "rude awakening"... And speaking of...

229 miles northeast of Los Angeles... visions of seven Ferraris are dancing in the desert sun.

Back at the Joe House, Dante is warning the others of the "impending storm", saying that there has to be a game plan. Igor thinks that Dante's making the hunks seem like "superhuman android devils." "They're human beings! I know how to handle human beings." Dante's ideas for strategy... a belly flop contest. This coming from a man who pelted dodgeballs last year. Clay calls the ideas "garbage." Igor says he's planning for something that he doesn't know is going to happen...

Oh, the invasion is on, my friend.

Switching over to Sea World for a moment. Ann enters wearing pigtails and having all the cute demeanor of a 10-year-old. A dangerous age. We all remember how it felt to court a 10-year-old... Too old for toys, too young for boys. Hurt like a... Anyway. After riding a rollercoaster and what looks like Escape from Pompeii (the waterfall ride out of Busch Gardens), Anna calls her brood a bunch of sweethearts.

The air of good feelings is trampled by... Dante's smelly feet. "If you really want to eliminate people on a show, that's really the best way to do it!" It works as he's the only one to talk until "Hey, Anna!" Here comes Igor and Chuck. And Anna's like "back off. Some of these guys are coming on way too strong."

Meanwhile, a message from beyond: "Guys in the house, enjoy it while it lasts. Because I'm coming soon." So says Greg Duke (25; fitness trainer/model), Brad (who actually feels bad for the guys... who'd've thought?), Rocky, Chris Carson (25; night club promoter/model), Craig, the other Josh, and Mike. Be careful, Joes.

Back at Sea World, Anna chooses Nathan to come up with her and meet Shamu. She likes the quiet, sweet, kind type. Anna hugs Shamu... awww... Nathan hugs the whale... awww... He says it felt "first date-ish."

And speaking of which, it's time for Anna who consults a sea lion for her first one-on-one date. It goes to... not Igor... not Chuck... not Jesus Josh... it's all about Aaron C.

Aaron and Anna go to play with the second-smartest species on earth behind... mice. That's right, it's dolphin time. "It's like my dreams are coming true," she says. And surprise, out pops a kiss over two dolphins. You have to wonder what they think about the chemistry here.

Aaron wanted things to flow naturally, as he thought he was a geek growing up. Anna thought he was very nervous. He breaks out "the movie theatre arm." He thinks it's a good idea. Anna's like... "Uh, what's this arm doing here?" But all in all, she's glad he was the one who was chosen. They end the date on a high note. Green plusses go off...

3:40a: The Joes are thinking about retaliation... against Dante. The end result... he is taped to the bed.

Next day, it's onto Anna's yacht with Gino, Igor, Dante, Clay, Dan, and Josh. They're off to Malibu to play in wet suits. Igor asks the million dollar question: "You wear underwear under your wet suit or you go butt naked?" Anna: "You can go commando if you want to." Hardy har har. Surrounded by Igor and Dante, Josh makes the smooth move by handing Anna a shawl for her cold self. She thanks everyone for coming out with her today... in Polish. Dante translates: "You're all voted off."

Speaking of, we see that Chuck is leaving for personal reasons. His friend is in the hospital. All the best to Chuck and his friend. Jason's sorry to see him go.

Meanwhile, in Malibu, the Joes and Anna go toobin', and Dante... well, tries. Dante eventually made it in the blasted thing.

Later on, he asks a piercing question: "What would you take on a deserted island?" Clay would take a Bible. Gino takes his mother's homemade sauce. Igor would take condoms. To practice by himself. Not to mention that he totally said this in front of Anna, but... condoms?! The guys are thinking that he's making "too many references." Gino wants Clay, Danny, or Josh to get the date tonight. But Anna pulls the end run, picking G... as in Gino.

Here we are at dinner, as Gino says that he doesn't need candles, because Anna's lighting up a room. He's the romantic, and Anna's liking that. "He's kind, he's warm." A little "faccia redonda" (what the Italians calls a round face), a little "vino", and then... Gino loses it. God, does this guy ever stop kissing? Those lips have a mind of their own! But it was all for the best, as he goes to the captain to tell her that she "drove me to my destiny." All this, and a "five-year-old dance."

But danger looms... 48 miles outside of Los Angeles.... "Who do you think she's going to choose? Some big old hairy guy or me?" Shirt comes off, pecs come out. And I may be violently ill.

Meanwhile, in a park, frisbees and dogs. Jason thinks that Arthur monopolizes the date with frisbee lessons and talk about Francis... Albert... Sinatra. And he seals the deal, getting the third date today. And all he can talk about is Vegas and the Rat Pack. It's okay with Anna, because she's from Vegas and she's been in this sort of thing before. "He's very old school. He knows how to treat a lady." The party moves to the pool, where Anna teaches Art dog commands in Polish. And I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my piss-poor spelling here. "Szej" means sit, and "dai buzji" means give kiss. Art gives the command as an asking, and Anna... obeys. Sly dog. Arthur says that he's "disarmed." Anna says that he knows how to treat a lady.

Then Arthur comes with a bombshell... he's a divorcee. The entire relationship lasted for four years. After that, he pretty much gave up on love. But this is the first time he's laid it all out since then, and to show her that, Arthur gives her his lucky pair of dice. "I don't need dice in my right pocket to be lucky. Because I am lucky." And we have makeout, while "Fly Me to the Moon" plays in his head. And some lounge lizard song playing out of his mouth.

36 miles outside of Los Angeles... an army of waiters, models, personal trainers, and other such beings park at Muscle Beach for what looks to be an overexaggerated display of manhood. Geez, how homoerotic is this? Not to mention that a) they eat with the same potty mouth they talk with and b) they like to show butt crack. Eww...

This show is taken to the Queen Mary, as we go to tonight's elimination. Now we just have to wait for Queen Anna. Arthur, Aaron, and Josh N. (whom Anna said that he wasn't picked for a reason) get props.

"I hate elimination night. I don't know who to choose."

Meanwhile, 0.2 nautical miles away, the invasion is ready for ambush. Back on dry land, it's curtains for four of the 11 Joe.... namely Igor (with all of his condoms), Dan, Joshua the Messiah... and Aaron? Whoa. Bombshell. Hurts Anna a lot. As Anna congratulates the survivors, it's not over yet. Because lingering off onto the beach... the danger that Dante had been warning about all this time... a display of fireworks? Don't trust the editing, something that elaborate cannot possibly come from a flare gun. Wait a second... BEHIND YOU!

And there they are... lined up like a firing squad. Faux intimidation sets in for both sides.

(soapbox mode on)

Here's the part I hate, because these guys are probably paid off to act like they're better than guys like them. Than guys like me. So you work out. So you're cut. Who gives a flying (^_^). Show me your mind. Show me your soul. Show me what makes you you. Take away the muscles. Take away the face. Take away your devil may care arrogance. Show me what you're left with.

(soapbox mode off)

(soapbox mode on)

And I still think that season 1 did it right with the introduction. It was more real, more believable. Here we just have caricature versus caricature. I mean come on, TV. We're not stupid here.

(soapbox mode off)

(soapbox mode on)

We're not subhuman.

(soapbox mode off)

Okay, I've said my piece. Luckily, the show isn't over yet. The bus has one final stop to make. This time... the Messiah is risen. Joshua is going under the microscope to make a return to the game. The nutritionist tells him he eats like a girl. The trainer tells him that he's pretty athletic. Teeth are whitened. The life coach tells him that he hides himself. "Underneath all the bizarre behavior, the beard, and the hair is a sensitive deep man." then, the moment Josh has been dreading... his haircut and shave, as he goes from "God the son" to "Good God, he's a pretty boy!" A second chance to make a first impression, as Joshua Smith is ready to return.

And not too soon, because next week, all Hell breaks loose.

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