Three years ago, America had talent. Then
like wildfire, it spread to Holland... Australia... Germany... Spain...
the UK... and now... it's back for another run. This is our show. There
are many shows in the world like it, but this one is ours. Submitted for
the approval of GSNNers everywhere, and with Nick Cannon on board as new
host... On behalf of the recap team of myself, Gordon Pepper, Jason
Block, and Don "the Doughnut" Harpwood, I hereby declare the fourth
season of "America's Got Talent"... in FULL EFFECT, y'all!
We start in New York... but go to Chicago
for some reason 10 minutes into the show and Seattle later. But back for
more in both New York AND Chicago ... AND Seattle are Piers Morgan,
resident badass; Sharon Osbourse, resident voice of motherly reason, and
David Hasselhoff... resident badass in another way.
And the rules haven't changed one bit...
Three strikes and you're out. Otherwise, and bearing the approval of the
judges, you are one step away from the ultimate prize... $1 million and
a shot to perform in Vegas.
NEW YORK CITY
We begin with the three judges being
greeted by a bespectacled furry guy and a balding trivia champion...
Both of whom I'm very fond of.
First up for season four, a 26-year-old
TA, Ray Schwarz, who says that talent can't be learned. Hopefully, he's
learned his best routine for "A Little Less Conversation." And our
hopes... dashed. Didn't take too long, as Ray exits to three buzzers. He
says he had lessons. Which begs the question of how bad he was
Things don't get better with Jay Brunelle
on the acoustic guitar... or Andy "Cheap Shot" Loprata on the rhymes...
or Sky Clada and Brad Marco's fire-dancing... which turned into a Pepsi
commercial waiting to happen.
I think we need to take a break from New
York for a while. Let's go to...
First up in Chi-Town is Moses Lanham, who
says that he has a unique talent that he and he alone can do, because
it's "dangerous and it can hurt yourself". He wants to blow everyone's
mind by turning his feet 180 degrees. How he can translate that into an
act is anyone's guess... and he is razzed appropriately. Still, cool to
watch. Piers is the only one to give him the razz... But David agrees
with me. Moses appeals to the audience... who give him the Yankee cheer.
Long walk home for him.
Meanwhile, we get a dance troupe, the
FootworKINGz of Chicago. Love and passion takes away the negativity of
living in a bad neighborhood. They want to give back to the community,
and their motto? "If you ain't footworkin', then why the (inhales) is
you breathin'?" They bring the house down with their rapid steps to
"Pump It". For the first time tonight... America has talent. Absolutely
coordinated and absolutely unique. Piers says that he likes it all.
Sharon just called it awesome. David... has a problem. Are they good
enough to sustain a show? Why not. They're going to Vegas.
Continuing in Chicago, we have a family
act... meet Sadie, Joel, Kirstin, and Mark from Wisconsin, collectively
known as Shine. They like upbeat music. Happy music. Music that just
makes you feel all warm and good inside. In fact, I'm getting Type-A
diabetes just typing about these guys. They say they've done this for
10-plus years. They sing "Walkin' on Sunshine"... and to their defense,
they didn't say that they sung WELL for 10-plus years. Oh well. There
goes the shiny happy feelings we were all feeling not too long ago.
Yeah, get off the stage... Fake ass wannabe Osmonds from Wisconsin.
Quotable from Nick: "I don't think they
know... that they was bad."
Quotable from Piers: "They're evil
But even through the next montage of
really bad acts - dancing freakshow The Positive Brothers, stripping
according players Laura & Alicia Velgos (note: Piers DID want them to
"unleash their act onto America"... ask for what you wanted, get what
you got). bad Cher singer Christy Marie from Atlanta, and one bad-A
monster mama-jam keyboardist JJ- Chicago still has the strength to have
a smile on their face.
Next act is a man in a suit with a flag
pin... Ladies and gentlemen... the President of the United States...
Nah, not really, it's just an Obama impersonator named Pete Peterkin,
the Rock & Roll President. He sings "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" after a
few jokes, and... well, it's entertaining. And he's a good dancer. So he
does two things, and he's adept at both. Interesting. The audience is
chanting "Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!" The judges... after hearing his Ray
Charles and Little Richard... give it to him! Joining him... drumline
Black Fire Percussion, vocal percussionist Anointed S, and the
Unexpected Step Team.
A few acts remain in Windy City. One of
them... Debbie Victor, a 54-year-old from Glendale, CA who... does
something unique.. totally... but what is it? Debbie is... an animal
impersonator. She starts with a dog... and GETS dogged by David. Then
comes her monkey. "You don't like my monkey?" No, and we're not crazy
about your lamb or rooster, either. That was Baa-a-a-a-ad.
This brings on more crazy animal acts...
involving animals. Tommy & Diane Long train miniature horses to flip
sticks... It would help if they landed one of those. Next, dog Rockin'
Rory and his owner Tony Hoard. Together, Tony throws flying discs, and
Rory retrieves them. This show is officially going to the dogs. Rory
must be an Australian shepherd-ninja mix, because he flies. David says
America deserves to see more. They move on.
Hi, Virginia, Evil Travis, and Jill the
Pill... and Hi Seattle! The judges arrive at the Orpheum in nearby
First to try and beat the buzzer is Brad
Byers, a 49-year-old surplus technician. He calls himself a small-town
boy who got hooked on show business at 15. He's doing an impression...
of a fishing trip gone horribly wrong. That involves putting a fishhook
through his sinuses and out of his mouth. And then he puts a drill in
the same place. Kids... suffice it to say, but... I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING
ABOUT DOING THIS AT HOME... DON'T. He wants to leave his real job to put
strange objects in his face. Piers loved every second, the sadist. David
thinks America deserves to see him... and Sharon disagrees. It's a 2-1
split, and Brad is off to Vegas. Freaky.
And then it gets weird with
cross-dressing esthetician singer stripper EmpeROAR Fabulous (C-Note:
I... did NOT need to see all of that... there), comic lariat thrower
Leapin' Louie Lichtenstein, chicken-yodeling accordionist Kerry
Christensen, whatever-the-hell-that-is Circus Pandemonium, and mad
bagpiper Johnny Bagpipes...
"My goodness, this place is absolutely
And then it gets even weirder with Noel
the Freak, who does things with his face that no sane human would, like
hanging fishhooks connected to cinderblocks on his eyelids.
Next up... normal people... maybe.
They're the EriAm Sisters. They sing and write songs together. They want
to be the next Destiny's Child. They sing Jackson 5ive's "I Want You
Back"... Which sounds like Monica, Brandy, and Chilli from TLC.
Harmonies are off and pacing is too fast, but the audience (and the
judges) don't seem to mind. They're on their way as well. Joining them
are acrobats the Jesse White Tumbling Team, the Urban Nation Hip-Hop
Choir, leather-clad fire dancers Draconik...
... and Dave Johnson, a 30-year-old loan
officer who plays a guitar. He had a crush on a character on Baywatch...
which an iconic bathing suit... And he's wrote a song about that crush
that he'll sing tonight. The hook... "What must I do... to prove my love
to you... David Hasselhoff?" Okay, show of hands, who saw that coming?
*raises hand* As I listen to the words "I saw 'Wedding in Paradise...
2,' what the hell were you thinking, dude, David Hasselhoff"... Well,
the world needs another Stephen Lynch like I need another hole in my
head courtesy of Brad Byers. David, though he razzed him to begin
with... says yes. Sharon says no. Piers... sides... with... .... "David
Two Seattle sweethearts, aerialist Bruce
and hoopster Simonne. They say that they're partners... AND soulmates.
And apparently Bruce has the most gorgeous feet ever. Together, the
Seattle Aerial Arts alums will take to the air with their aerial army of
love act? What happens is basically what two people who love each other
usually do in the bedroom, they do 8 feet in the air on a suspended
steel ring. Lots of PDA, lots of heavy petting. Nick wants one of those
for him and his wife (C-Note: for the uninitiated, keep in mind that
Nick is married to Mariah Carey... so... visual). Piers says what we're
all thinking... "Get a room." They get a room in Vegas courtesy the man
from across the pond.
Okay, now maybe if we go back to...
NEW YORK CITY
... they'll have cleared out the
freakshows. We start with ... the NYC Gay Men's Chorus with "Single
Ladies". They're in. Joseph Maracina (32, NYC) is next with a few
impersonations. He can do "pretty much anyone's voice". But is he any
good? Jack Nicholson... razzed. Anthony Hopkins... razzed. Twice...
Exit's that way, friend.
Dave and his new wife Zoe are known as
dancers Paradizo Dance. They've been partners for four years, but only
recently got married. Dave just doesn't want Zoe to fall. He'll be doing
that to Chris "Guilty as Charged" Brown & Jordin Sparks' "No Air".
Now... Dave is a girth brother... but the things that he does with Zoe...
He's a very DEXTEROUS girth brother, and the audience just loves it. Zoe,
according to the host, "picked his big ass up." Piers thought it was the
most extraordinary thing he's ever seen. Sharon calls it terrific. David
calls it beautiful... and moving. They're moving... to Vegas, baby!
For the record... Zoe: 100 lbs. Dave...
Night falls on the city that never
sleeps, and we're left with one more group... sibling trio Voices of
Glory. Singing together keeps them strong, keeps them together. Their
mother was in a coma thanks to a drunk driver. From then on, they sang
to her to see if she would respond. This story has a happy ending as she
is still with us. They're going to sing "God Bless America" for ALL of
America... and NBC must've saved the best for last. Point blank.
Needless to say... They're DEFINITELY in. Standing O, cheers, tears, and
everything. THIS is why we watch. Although as touching as it is, and it
is touching... we didn't need to see mom out. This was an amazing story
on its own. This is just icing on the cake. These people are three to
And that'll do it for audition night 1.
Tomorrow night, more amazing acts, more amazing talent, and more of...
well, whatever we got. Until then, stay tuned for your local news.
For more information on tonight's
acts, including never before seen footage, go to