Gordon: 2 years ago, we had Bianca Ryan.
Last year, we had Terry Fator. Who will win this year? Welcome
to...America's Got Talent. This is Gordon Pepper, and to show that
Canadians also have talent, I'm here with Don Harpwood.
Gordon: Also joining us today is Mr. Josh Halpur
Gordon: L.A., Dallas, Chicago, Atlanta, and NYC will be where the
auditions have taken place. I went to the NYC auditions. Maybe you'll
Gordon: The winner gets a million dollars - and will also perform on the
Las Vegas Strip. And it can pay off royally - Terry signed a deal in
Vegas worth 100 million dollars.
Don: Very nice.
Gordon: And for someone to have a chance to repeat that, they must get
past the judges, who all return from last season - David Hasselhoff,
Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan. Now I went to the NYC auditions, and
I'd like to say one thing. - Sharon is borderline deranged, David likes
to pander to the crowd, and Piers is the only person who takes this
seriously - and who is the only person I take seriously.
Gordon: We start with...NEW YORK CITY! I can add some insight to most of
the acts. First up - Bill Curlee. who is a...Tom Jones Impersonator. And
...hey, there's me, screaming for the judges to hit their buzzer.
Gordon: He's also called 'Serious Mysterious' There are 2 mysteries. 1.
How he got on the stage, and 2. How he survived the judges.
Gordon: Sharon, inexplicably, keeps him on for the full act. But that
won't stop both Piers and David from not allowing him to advance.
Serious Mysterious exits, stage left. And my ear drums mysteriously
leave the stage.
Don: I can't blame them.
Gordon: Nick Afanasiev is next, and we see...his tongue. XXX from the
\Don: Tongue tricks? Sheesh...
Gordon: Lady J. Houston will be playing the trumpet...and dancing...all
of which is done badly. Harold SHort III...XXX. The Quiddlers...XXX. Ed
Jaques plays the hand trumpet...XXX. Adam Ace...bad comedy...XXX. The
first night...not too good.
Don: Where's the talent?
Gordon: It's there...but it wasn't really there the first night of
auditions (though Curlee performed later on that weekend, but who's
counting?). Johnathan Arons is on next. He claims that his trombone will
take you to a happy place. It took me to a very sad place.
Don: That dancing looks cheesy.
Gordon: It was mega cheese. Unfortunately, I don't agree with the judges
here, as they send him through to Vegas. Next up - sister singers who go
by the name Indiggo. They want to be international superstars. And they
Sing 'New York New York'...around as well as you can hear it. No,
there's no technical problems. However, there are lyrical problems, as
they mangle the song.
Don: Um... That... How should I put this...
Gordon: And once again, Sharon Osbourne avoids hitting the buzzer.
You'll see this happen a lot during the shows. This by the way, was not
cheering. Most of the crowd was booing. (Cheering crowd edited in during
post-production) As you can hear, we had around 60% of the crowd want
Don: Really? Then that was some editing...
Gordon: Sharon wants to give them a second chance. David wants to give
them a second chance to go to Bucharest. Indiggo asks the crowd for
support - which is edited in. Piers wants to know why they should go to
Vegas. They say they are twins and are invincible - apart from their
voices. Piers says that they are living the American Dream. This was a
nightmare. You can hear the edit in as Piers says yes. The crowd was not
as nearly unanimous as it sounds.
Don: I'm tempted to hit my head on the wall. So much editing...
Gordon: They do make great looking feather-dusters though
Gordon: We still have yet to hear anyone that I liked, btw.
Gordon: NYC did the YMCA, by the way. We'll see if that makes the air.
Tory and Damien are brothers - and they are Nothing But Strings. They
are strings. They are dance. They play the violin.
Don: Ah, violin players. Should be interesting.
Gordon: And the edits keep on coming. They didn't do it for me...but as
you can see, they did it for most of the audience. And since they were
the best group in a line of stinkers, the fact that we got SOMEthing
good was good enough for them.
Josh: "Nuttin' But Stringz" is nuttin' but amazin''.
Gordon: Complete with throwing down the bows at the end. As you can see,
it beats Bad Tom Jones.
Gordon: NBS is the first group to legitimately advance. David Martin
gets in thanks to a magic act, which features a magic cage filled with a
woman and some snakes, but what the TV edits don't show you is that
during the act, the back cage opens up during the act, completely
revealing the secret.
Gordon: Scott Land gets in...despite a dancing turkey. Plastic Music
(drummers hitting things) gets in - and they were very good. Jazmin were
ok, and they get in, despite a few rough spots.
Gordon: 80 year old retired waitress Mary Bly is waiting to tap dance
her way into your heart.
Josh: It's a good thing she clarified that she's not Mary J. Blige...
Gordon: I don't think you'll have to worry about anyone confusing the 2.
Jerry warns her to not go near the edge of the stage - which she's
doing. Fortunately, she doesn't fall off the stage. unfortunately, it
may have been much more entertaining if she did.
Gordon: And of course, Sharon is the lone hold out judge. As I said
before, this happened quite frequently in NYC. Unfortunately for her,
David and Piers X'ed her, and David called her lost in the woods. She's
lost on stage, as she walks off. The audience, who was pretty loopy by
this point, cheers her on. David says no, Sharon says yes, and
Gordon: Sharon is upset. Trust me, you haven't seen Sharon upset
Josh: Uh-oh...Is it as bad as last season?
Gordon: All I can say is...if they show it this season...it's the best
thing that ever happened to Sharon :)
Don; Uh oh.
Gordon: We see a plethora of kids get X'ed = and they deserved to be.
They just were not good enough this season. But then we get...4 year old
Kaitlyn Maher, who just wowed the audience.
Josh: But not this adorable 4-year-old, I hope.
Gordon: Oh no. The audience goes nuts here. And this is legitimate nuts.
She sings Somewhere Out There.
Josh: I can't imagine how scary that would be, standing in front of
thousands of people on an isolated stage. At the age of 4, even!
Gordon: By the way - the music...is edited in. She actually sang this A
Josh: Eat your heart out, David Cook.
Gordon: Thats what made the audience go nuts - She sang this on pitch
with NO MUSIC BACKGROUND.
Don: Very impressive!
Gordon: Needless to say, she gets 3 yes's
Josh: Just another facet of what makes this show great. *tear*
Gordon: Kaitlynn is the youngest contestant ever to get in to get to
Vegas. I think it would have been more impressive if they didn't insert
the music. So...we're at the halfway point. We still haven't seen almost
all of the people I consider the heavyweights. Though we've seen them in
the previews. And..we won't hear from them on this episode, as we now go
to Chicago. We get...Kittens Go Burlesque! Wowzers!
Gordon: It's 8 women who say that burlesque is classy - and they want to
perform. They would be called...the Slippery Kittens.
Gordon: And apparently, the clothes are slippery, because they keep
falling off. Now THAT I would have loved to have seen in NYC.
Josh: Wouldn't we all?
Gordon: I am sure that somewhere, Michelle L'Amour is throwing something
at her tv set. Jerry notes that Piers and David's hands never got close
to the button. Piers calls them rough - but sees potential. They get 3
yes's and it's off to Vegas with them
Josh: Audience gets just a LITTLE hostile in the previews... :P
Gordon: Chay Yang wants to revolutionize the music industry...with a
double guitar. Chay has issues with his guitar, as he can't get the
Don: *Starts to doze off*
Josh: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.
Don: What the...?
Gordon: He finally gets it to work - and gets promptly buzzed by the
judges and booed by the audience. Chay plays through the buzzer.
Don: That didn't sound good.
Gordon: Sharon is looking for respect from the audience. She's not going
to get it - not from Chicago. At least the NYC crowd gave every group a
chance before booing them. Singer Terry Christiansen gets a rabid
audience booing him off. And they boo off Santa as well - literally.
Jaqeueline Groover - gets no better.
Don: Where are my earplugs?
Gordon: Stumblebum Brass....gets booed off the stage, with the lead
singer telling the judges and audience that they suck.
Josh: Oh, that brass band sounded okay...minus the singer.
Gordon: Johnathan Burkin gets tormented in high school. His mom, Denise,
is upset with the hurt that Johnathan has to endure. He hopes the judges
understand how much work he has put into it. He...twirls batons.
Gordon: There's nothing wrong with playing with your stick.
Gordon: He plays with his baton - and it's flaming!
Josh: Now he's using multiple batons.
Gordon: David tells the kids who called him names to shove it. Mom goes
out there and says she's proud of him.
Josh: I think all his tormentors were jealous because his baton was
bigger than theirs.
Gordon: Speak softly and twirl a big stick.
Don: Very nicely done. I wonder how he plans on following that up in
Gordon: They think he may go all the way to the finals. Right now
though, he's off to Vegas.
Josh: He's got an impressive act...I really don't know how he'll follow
that up to make it to the Finals.
Gordon: We move on to...Los Angeles. We start with...a Britney Spears
impersonator. And the audience buys it...until he says HIS name is
Derrick Berry. And...he sounds like her. I'm confused, and scared...and
Don: So, basically, he's dancing and lip-syncing...
Gordon: Piers brings us back from La-la land and X's him.
Don: My mind is going blank from all this confusion...
Gordon: David is questioning his sexuality...Piers calls Derrick just
like the real Britney Spears - a train wreck.
Gordon: Sharon loves him and says yes. PIers says not in a million
years. David says...yes to a mixed response.
Josh: Boy Shakira should move over. :p
Gordon: Piers wants to know where David's Marbles are. Maybe Derrick
took them. Gymnast Paulina Volchek advances. Sterling Silver - cloggers
- make it through. 15 year old singer Cafidia Stewart...advances. Sick
Step Dance Crew - gets in. Next up - a group of Dance Teachers. They are
the Dallas Dance Company...which would make them be from the Dallas
Auditions. And they get sent back there. XXX.
Gordon: And we get a montage of brutal dancing. Dance group The
Renegades...XXX Hip Hop Dancer Daniel Burton...XXX Twin Dancers M & M
Twinz...XXX Daisy Taste...roller blading and dancing...XXX.
Josh: Dancing 55-year-olds on roller skates: never a good idea.
Don: *Covers his eyes*
Gordon: Next up - The West Covina Crew called Extreme Dance FX
Josh: Dang...they're good. Blake Lewis-lookalikes and all.
Gordon: They are contemporary cloggers - and despite an X from Piers,
the crowd wants them to go to Vegas. Piers wants better outfits and a
more exciting routine
Josh: Unfortunately, for Piers, the other two judges look like they've
already made up their mind.
Gordon: They have - and the dancers shed off their shirts. They go to
Josh: They've got the potential to make the Finals, I think.
Gordon: And next up...32 Year Old Neil Boyd...will be singing some
Josh: *sitting ovation*
Gordon: Sharon says that she'd buy some insurance, and he gets a
standing ovation from everyone. He says that he loves his mom, as he
hears his mom on the phone. And they are STILL talking about him, which
means he's a top 20 lock. The jaded person in me, however, notes this
and Kaitlynn and sees how eerily similar this is to Britain's Got
Talent, where a British Opera Singer and a little girl flood the You
Tube Airwaves. And with that, we end the show.
Gordon: Next week - more auditions, and more...acts from NYC? At least 2
of the acts in the previews were from NYC. Huh?
Josh: See you in 167 hours!
Gordon: See you then!