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April 20, 2017


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What Has Two Legs and Runs?

The Amazing Race
by Chris Wolvie
bird, new, square, twitter icon @ChrisWolvie

CBS: 10p/9C
Host: Phil Keoghan
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Previously on THE AMAZING RACE, nine Teams travelled across the Atlantic to Zanzibar, Tanzania. A Double Blind U-TURN lead to Matt & Redmond (#TheBoys) and Seth & Olive (#TeamAmerica) having to both build a school desk AND weave a basket. After a ROADBLOCK where food had to be put on the tables of the locals, Liz & Michael (#TeamLizandMike) won their second straight Leg...and Seth & Olive were sent packing for home.

Eight Teams remain for the million bucks. Who will build a bridge to nowhere...NEXT?!

As the Teams chill in the former sultanate, Matt & Redmond confront Vanck & Ashton (#TeamVanckandAshton), the team that U-TURNed 'em. Ashton says it was strickly personal and that they were done with that. #TheBoys don't believe that for a second!


In the UNESCO World Heritage Site and former hub of spice trade in the 1800s, Liz & Michael rip-and-read:


Search for the home of Farrokh Bulsara here in Stonetown...or another one bites the dust!

(What they don't know is that "Farrokh Bulsara" is the real name of Freddie Mercury, the deceased lead singer of the group Queen...and that the place they're going, "Mercury House", was his childhood home. Of course, the "Another One Bites the Dust" part SHOULD be a big clue.)

Locals help them to a place...where the owner says that the house was demolished. Dahek? They get led to the house...and they dig through the rubble, looking for a clue. Tara & Joey (#TeamMomandDad) get a clueless taxi driver and get distracted by a red-and-yellow flag on a cart (Rule #15b: not EVERYTHING red-and-yellow is Race-related!). However, the driver DOES take them to...


The Team gets the clue from the Clue Box in an upstairs sitting room. They exit the house to read that they hit another:


LOCK - Head for the marked door on the street marked on the map. There, you will find rooms full of famous Zanzibar chests. Inside some of the chests are keys with drawings attached to them. Find a key and unlock a lock that matches the drawing and you'll find your next clue. (Teams are NOT told that one of the hallmarks of Zanzibar chests is their secret compartments and that the key is inside one of those said compartments.)

KNOCK - Three doors around here are called "Royal Doors", made to mark houses of former royalty; travel around Stonetown and knock on the three "Royal Doors" (marked with a royal symbol) to get three wooden carvings. Take the parts to the marked address on Ganzenga Street where the man there will hand you your next clue.

Tara & Joey choose KNOCK...and just go around knocking indescriminately. They find one, but Joey gets impatient. Vanck & Ashton and Matt & Redmond ask hotels about who Farrokh Bulsara is. Meanwhile, #TeamLizandMike find out who he is and that his house is but a block from where they are now. They find it and choose LOCK. London & Logan (#TeamLoLo) get tailed by Brooke & Scott (#TeamBrookeandScott) as they leave the PIT STOP. #TeamVanckandAshton choose KNOCK (and ask for directions to a Royal Door), #TheBoys choose do #TeamLoLo and #TeamBrookeandScott.

#TeamMomandDad stumble upon the door to the LOCK part of the DETOUR...and decide to try it instead. They find rooms and rooms of chests and start to open them. They open the drawers enough to look inside...but find nothing as Liz & Michael arrive. More Teams show up and the shop is packed with chest radiers looking for keys. It was Michael who worked out that the chest had secret drawers and told Liz to keep it on the down-low while they spoke. As such, they're the first to find the key, first to unlock a fish lock and the first with this clue:


Travel by ferry back to mainland Tanzania and the capital of Dar es Salaam. Once back, head for the marked metal shop, Dar Es Saalam Small Indutries Society. Your next clue awaits in the main office with Secretary Muhammad.

As they leave to get to the ferry station, Tara & Joey decide to go BACK to KNOCK. 

Meanwhile at KNOCK, #TeamVanckandAshton get lost, but Vanck has an idea to ask a receptionist about the doors and mark them on a map. Ashton just wants to GO, but Vanck's meticulous and wants to double check. Ahston tells him she'll admit she's wrong if they screw-up. Sure enough, they end up in a food market...and Ashton says nothing. Fortunately, a local knows EXACTLY where the Royal Doors are AND their distinguishing mark of a lion, snake and bird. So...that's SOMETHING.

Back at the PIT STOP, Shamir & Sara (#TheSandSExpress) get directions to the Mercury House...and Becca & Floyd (#TeamFun) ask the same folks. When they get there, #TeamFun goes with LOCK, while #TheSandSExpress chooses KNOCK (and get directions to the Doors).

At LOCK, the Teams are getting frustrated and greet Becca & Floyd with, "Welcome to Hell!". As Teams search, Brooke was the next one to figure out the secret of Zanzibar chests and dragged Scott to another room to test this theory. They are the second to find a key, but their key gets stuck. So it's Matt & Redmond who figure it out and open a chest to leave the DETOUR. #TeamBrookeandScott finds another scorpion key and gets the clue. Then Scott does something stupid: he gives Becca the other key! Brooke is NOT happy...but then figures that #TeamFun owes 'em. London & Logan give up and switch to KNOCK.

At KNOCK, #TeamMomandDad get some clues as to how the Doors look while Vanck & Ashton and Shamir & Sara each find the first one. It's the polar opposites who find all three doors and leave the DETOUR in 5th, heading for the ferry station. Annnnnd, #TheSandSExpress is lost. As such, Tara & Joey find their third Door and leave in 6th. #TeamLoLo get good directions while Shamir & Sara are wandering. They quickly grab the three artifacts, drop- 'em off and head for the ferry.

At the ferry station, all the Teams are on the same boat; the secondary Great Race Equalizer has struck. But,...where are Shamir & Sara? Well, their Race could more-or-less end here as the ferry takes off for the mainland, leaving them behind. They finally decide, after much arguing, to switch to LOCK. And they STILL argue as they go through the chests. They evenutally FIND the key...and, thankfully, the next ferry isn't THAT far behind the head peloton. If a Team trips, they can catch up at...


Off the boat and into cabs go the fourteen Racers. Becca & Floyd are the first to the office and Mahammad puts them to work with their next:


Metal shops like this one can turn aluminum into just about anything. Your task is to make a ladel-strainer by cutting a round piece of aluminum, piercing it with holes and pounding it concave with a hammer. Present the finished product to Secretary Muhammad and, if he approves of it, he'll hand you your next clue.

Your BLOCKERs for this Leg: Becca, Vanck, Joey, Logan, Michael, Redmond and Brooke. Immediately, Joey and Vanck complain about the shears and how they can't seem to cut the metal easily enough. Brooke...well, she instantly starts to regret Scott talking her into doing this; she groans and moans and cries that she doesn't have the strength to do this. The others seem to be enjoying this, amazed at how the workers do it with just their hands and their tools. It's slow work for Brooke, though, and the tears cannot stop pouring out of her eyes. She actually walks OUT of her stall to take "comfort" in Scott...meaning to yell at him for getting her into this mess.

Oddly enough, she gets some cheers from the other Teams, telling her that she CAN do it no matter WHAT she thinks. She walks back in and asks Becca for help. Since Brooke & Scott helped Becca & Floyd back at the DETOUR, Becca decided to return the favor and help her at least cut the metal. Once done, Brooke says they're even and heads back to HER station. This cost her time, though; Joey is the first to finish his ladle and show it to Muhammad. But...he tells Joey that the edges are too rough. The GOOD news is he doesn't have to start over; he just needs to smooth the edges and he'll be good to go. As Redmond finishes, she gives Brooke tips on how to swing a hammer to puncture the metal with a nail. He also told her to "calm down"...which she doesn't like being told to do. But she STILL can't stop crying and saying she's "screwed".

Redmond gives his ladle to the foreman...but Mahammad says the holes need to be fixed. As he goes back, Joey returns, having hammered and snipped out the surrations in the ladle...and he gets a thumbs-up! They even show how the ladle can take pasta out of a pot of hot water. Tara & Joey get handed this vital clue:


Travel (by any means) to the next Pit Stop: Coco Beach. Look for the mat somewhere on the beach.

WARNING! The last Team to check-in MAY BE ELIMINATED!

But they have company: Becca's ladle is given the OK as well so #TeamFun is on their heels. Brooke still cries. And, on the ferry, Shamir & Sara get closer and closer...


#TeamMomandDad run up behind Phil and the native and they get proudly checked-in as Team #1! And their reward? Five thou apiece! Running like people are chasing them (and, to a point, they are) is #TeamFun to check-in at #2.

Back at the RB, Michael's ladle checks out and Liz & he head for the beach...but FIRST Michael "sends good vibes" to Brooke who is STILL crying that she can't do it and shows her how to make the handle. She promises him she & Scott won't U-TURN them in the future for this kindness. They head off just as Logan gets checked-out of the RB...with Matt & Redmond on their tail. When Brooke finally emerges, she's VERY pessimistic. Turns out it's not THAT bad...just not good enough for Mahammad. Still, it sounds like a death knell to her. But Scott REFUSES to take a four-hour penalty. As shee returns to the grindstone, Vanck gets his checked...and he & Ashton get to leave in sixth. Only Brooke remains...and #TheSandSExpress is JUST about to dock!

#TeamLizandMike check-in as #3, #TheBoys' cab beats out #TeamLoLo's to take #4 from them and #TeamVanckandAshton are #6.

Just as Shamir & Sara arrive at the ROADBLOCK, Brooke (who has apparantly run out of tears) gets her ladle checked-out again after making new holes and banging out the sharp edged. And Mahammad...

(..after a commercial break...) her a thumbs-up! She is SO relieved! Scott is so proud that she didn't give up. As Shamir decides to do the task, #TeamBrookeandScott head out and, as the sun starts to sink, they get checked-in as Team #7, still (somehow) in the Race! Brooke is SO grateful to all the other Teams who gave her confidence, even if she didn't show it.

As night falls, Phil actually LEAVES the PIT STOP to go to the now-closing metalworks shop and informs Shamir & Sara that #TheSandSExpress stops here; they've been Philiminated. It was just poor luck at the DETOUR that stopped them. It wasn't a "match made in heaven", as Sara says, but the trip has been...well, "amazing".

TARA & JOEY (#TeamMomandDad)
1st (+1)
Joey +1 RB; $10G 4th Leg
BECCA & FLOYD (#TeamFun)
2nd (+6)
LIZ & MICHAEL (#TeamLizandMike)
3rd (-2)
Michael +1 RB; Barbados (2nd Leg), Amsterdam (3rd Leg)
4th (EVEN)
Redmond +1 RB
5th (EVEN)
Logan +1 RB
VANCK & ASHTON (#TeamVanckandAshton)
6th (-3)
Vanck +1 RB
BROOKE & SCOTT (#TeamBrookeandScott)
7th (-1)
Brooke +1 RB
SHAMIR & SARA (#TheSandSExpress)
LAST (never left)
SETH & OLIVE (#TeamAmerica)
JESSE & FRANCESCA (#SwoleSisters)
JENN & KEVIN (#LongHairDontCare)

Seven Teams remain. Who will lack the "metal" NEXT?! Well, let's find out now!

BTW, #TeamLizandMike have cute nicknames for each other: Mike is Liz's "twenty-one day husband" and Liz is Mike's "road wife". Also, #BigSmellyTeddyBear.


With five grand awaiting each of them when they get to an American ATM, the army girl and the Bahstin cahp rip-and-read this clue:


Fly more than 5000 miles to Alesund in Norway. Once there, drive yourselves in the marked rented vehicles to the Hogsteinen Fyr Lighthouse. You'll be asked to do something before you receive your next clue.

(The "something" is to eat a plate of fermented rakfish prepared fresh by a fisherman)

At this point, everybody knows that the EXPRESS PASS, won by Becca & Floyd, MUST be used by the end of this Leg (sorry that I goofed on that). But only #TeamFun (and the home audience) KNOW that they have it. And they intend to USE to win this Leg. The Teams talk about unity and the EXPRESS PASS and being "cutthroat-ish" as they all board the Great Race Equalizer and travel (via Amsterdam) to...


Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fridge; the mean temperature in Alesund is JULY! It is here that fourteen people who only met each other about a week ago run out to grab their rental cars and look for the lighthouse. They take in the gorgeous scenery of rural Norway and are amazed at the LO-O-ONG tunnel they drive through. Well,...except #TeamLizandMike, who stop to make sure they're going the right way (they were, as Liz said they were).


Teams start to locate the lighthouse and run towards it. There, a fisherman named Bjorn (if his apron's to be believed) serves them plates of rakfish and asks them to finish it up before their can get their next clue. Becca & Floyd down it all. Brooke...gets negative again, much to Scott's chagrin. Other teams seem to pass them on the task as she catches her breath and whines some more.

#TeamFun downs the rakfish first (really wanting some more) and Bjorn hands them this clue:


Drive back to Alesund and the village of Slinningen. Search for the Slinningsbålet where your next clue awaits.

If you wish to try for the FAST FORWARD, head for the helicopter in the nearby field.

A-HA! The FAST FORWARD is a "Go Directly To PIT STOP" card! The hell with the EXPRESS PASS; Becca & Floyd opt for this, though the task is unknown to them. Would they have to shave their heads? Eat something gross? Nah, nothing so weird; when the chopper lands, they'll be told this:


To earn the FAST FORWARD, you must both to a tandem skydive from 10,000 feet up on this helicopter. Once you land, you'll receive the clue to the PIT STOP.

Oh, well, they'll learn soon enough. For now, enjoy the ride over the beautiful countryside. Other Teams arrive, eat and run. Brooke finally stopped whining enough to get them out in third...but it's SCOTT who starts to whine when they see the FAST FORWARD is taken. But BROOKE argues that they're in the thick and don't NEED it; they can just follow Vanck & Ashton to this "Slinningsbålet" place. Liz & Michael are the last to the lighthouse; had Michael just kept going, who knows how much further ahead they'd be. . 


The Teams approach a rather large wooden edifice...and sees guys lifting wooden pallets to the top to make it bigger. Interesting. They file out, run to the Clue Box and hit their next:


Every year, Norweigans try to break their own World Record for Tallest Hand-Stacked Bonfire. Now YOU get to help in that endevour! Climb to the top of this 13-story stack of over 31,000 wooden pallets. Once at the top, place and nail down a pallet. When the head worker says it looks good, rappel back down to your partner to receive your next clue. (#FeulTheFire)

And your RBers THIS time? Matt, Joey, Ashton, Scott, London, and Liz. Matt CRUSHES it, climbing like Spider-Man(TM) up that tower. Joey's a BIT uneasy...and we ALL know Scott's acrophobia from Leg 2. Matt nails the pallet in and starts to climb down, giving Joey some encouraging words as he does. The snowboarder hits the ground, joins his teammate and immediately hit a:


TROLLS - According to a Norwegian fairy tale, the city of Alesund was burnt to the ground in 1904 by an evil professor and, when they rebuilt, jottenentrolls (fire trolls) were captured inside the architecture. Head for the theater in Alesund and receive a map to six places trolls are captured. At each point, read a "spell" to "release" them and they'll hand you a large fireworks rocket. Once you get all six, return to the theater and the lore-keeper will give you your next clue.

TROLL - One cool thing about living in Alesund is that you can fish in the canal right outside your door. Go to Kayak More Tomorrow rental shop and get a kayak. Paddle up the canal to where a number of people are fishing from windows of a tall building. One of the lines has a lure with the clue to the next PIT STOP upon it. Once you find it, head back to the rental shop and head for the PIT STOP.

As fishing seems "straight-forward" to #TheBoys, they choose to TROLL. They think Becca will be sorry she missed out on climbing, her specialty. As others climb, those that rappel give SCOTT encouragement...and Scott feels that his fear of heights is being conquered in this Race (though Brooke just wants his backside back down ASAP). #TeamMomandDad decide to TROLL as well. #TeamVanckandAshton will look for TROLLS (which Ashton think will have "jeweled belly buttons" like a certain Dreamworks(TM) production). But...a problem: they left their TAR Fanny Packs at the site! Good thing is they noticed before they left as these are vital. They lost some time, but not TOO much. London and Scott hit the ground at about the same time, just as Liz (whom Michael calls a "sewer rat" for how she scampers) starts to head down. The two Teams decide to do TROLLS together while #TeamLizandMike decide to do it themselves.

(One week later, long after the Racers have left, the record-setting bonfire goes up. No one was injured and no other buildings were burned as fire boats were there to make sure the flame was contained. Take THAT, Burning Man!)

Meanwhile, #TeamFun lands and they see two skydivers all geared up. When they learn they're gonna skydive over the scenry, they could NOT be happier! They get strapped into their chutes, climb back in the chopper and go up...up...up over the picturesque landscape...

Back in town, Matt & Redmond and Tara & Joey arrive at the kayak shoppe, get in their custom kayaks and start looking for lines. Steven Wright once said, "There's a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." Well, #TheBoys are proving that the THEY are the idiot WITH fishing lines; they just yank up the line of anyone they see en route. The REAL fishermen (not the ones paid to fish and wait at the building) look at 'em like, "What the faen?!" As such, #TeamMomandDad paddle ahead to the buildings and start to look. They actually FIND a red-and-yellow lure that says "AKSLA" on it. This is their clue! Were it a standard paper one, it would say:


Head up (by any means) to the next Pit Stop: the top of Mt. Aksla, a summit overlooking the entire village.

WARNING! The last Team to check-in MAY BE ELIMINATED!

About that time, the snowboarder and the one-legged man in this but-kicking contest arrive at the building. Tara has doubts, but Joey just snaps the lure off and tells her to get paddling. But, as they see Matt & Redmond look confused, they finally decide to make sure and join them.

As they TROLL, Vanck & Ashton arrive at the theater to learn about TROLLS from the lore-keeper. Already, Ashton has doubts about how quickly they can do this. As they plan, #TeamBrookeandScoot and #TeamLoLo arrive to start their city tour. #TeamLizandMike park NEAR the kayak shoppe...but Liz is NOT paddling again. They pass #TeamVanckandAshton...and Ashton's getting antsy. The GOOD news is their planning paid off: they find the first place almost right away. They chant the spell...and a troll-looking woman opens the door and hands them a firework. They go straight to the second place and get another firework. At this point VANCK has his doubts, as the armaments are NOT easy to carry around. London & Logan and Brooke & Scott work together with a public city map to find the places. Liz & Michael trail from a distance (arguing more and more as they go), but they all start to gather these combustable works. Teams haul their works to the theater two-by-two to save time and manpower while Vanck & Ashton drive around the city to find other trolls. They chant in front of ONE door...but other Teams find the TRUE door INSIDE the building.

Up...up...up goes #TeamFun. At ten thousand feet above the other Teams, Floyd and his jump partner dive out with a scream. Beeca and HER partner are a minute behind. They have such a blast! They see the lighthouse they came from and they land there. As soon as they're out of their gear (and their hearts return to a relative "resting rate") they get this clue:


Skip all remaining tasks and head for the Pit Stop for this Leg of the Race: the top of Mt. Aksla.

WARNING! The last Team to check-in MAY BE ELIMINATED!

They're psyched because not only did they parachute over Norway but they're gonna be FIRST to the PIT STOP...or so they think.

Back at TROLL, the two Teams try to work out what the heck they're supposed to do. They figure that "AKSLA" must be the right one...and that #TheBoys have a WRONG one. #TeamMomandDad direct them to the right clue and the two Teams start to paddle back to the dock. Tara wonders WHY they helped #TheBoys. Joey, in sudden realization, says, "I dunno..." As they finally get to land, they learn about Mt. Aksla (which is more of a "hill" be geographic defenition but try telling THEM that) and start to head up there by foot...ready to climb over 400 steps to Phil and the PIT STOP.

The TROLLS Teams have different ways of finding their trolls. Michael just tells Liz to "go with your gut"...but Liz would rather go with her MIND. They find #TeamLoLo and #TeamBrookeandScott at one such place and earn their next firework.

Two Teams are climbing by is climbing by car...ONE of them will be Team #1 at the...


A young boy playing violin and a dancing couple greet the first Team up. And Phil says:

"Tara & Joey, I am pleased to tell you that you are Team #1!"

If a prize is involved, we don't hear about it. We just see Mark & Redmond arrive at #2. A few minutes later, Becca & Floyd are SHOCKED to learn they're Team #3! But, hey, they wouldn't trade the skydiving for anything!

Back at TROLLS, the spells get spoken left and right. But it's Vanck & Ashton who collect all six first. Two were back at the theater, the other four are stuffed in their car. The other Teams get THEIR six (or their last four anyway) and SPRINT to the theater. Which will win out? Well, while #TeamVanckandAshton parallel park, the others pass them up so...maybe not such a hot idea. As the Teams get their clue "AKSLA" and get directions to it, most decide to run up the 400 steps...but Liz & Micahel decide to take the back road like #TeamFun did. However, when Michael tries to pull out, he dings someone's car. Ut-oh...Da Rules state that Teams cannot do anything illegal and that any legal issues MUST be resolved or they cannot continue. Thankfully, the driver (who wished to remain anonymous) say that the car has been dinged before and it's not so bad on your way, scamps...and let LIZ drive from now on.

Vanck & Ashton are Team #4. #TeamLoLo and #TeamBrookeandScott endure bitching and moaning as they climb while #TeamLizandMike take the silence; they're not happy with each other right now.

And Team #5 is...

LONDON & LOGAN! With Brooke & Scott as #6!

Liz & Michael reach the top and Phil has some bad news: they're in last. But there's GOOD news, too. This is not just a "Non-Elimination Leg"; this seems to be what I call a "Gas-And-Go PIT STOP", meaning that Phil has been handing out clues to start the next Leg. No rest for the weary...and especially no rest for the team that seems to finally be falling out.


TARA & JOEY (#TeamMomandDad)
1st (EVEN)
Joey +2 RB; $10G (4th Leg); Won 5th Leg
2nd (+2)
BECCA & FLOYD (#TeamFun)
3rd (-1)
VANCK & ASHTON (#TeamVanckandAshton)
4th (+2)
5th (EVEN)
BROOKE & SCOTT (#TeamBrookeandScott)
6th (+1)
LIZ & MICHAEL (#TeamLizandMike)
Barbados (2nd Leg), Amsterdam (3rd Leg)
SHAMIR & SARA (#TheSandSExpress)
SETH & OLIVE (#TeamAmerica)
JESSE & FRANCESCA (#SwoleSisters)
JENN & KEVIN (#LongHairDontCare)

@midnight with Chris Hardwick
by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

Comedy Central: 11:30p/10:30C
Host: Chris Hardwick
Official WebsiteFacebook
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Stephanie Simbari
"That's So Retrograde Podcast"

Desus Nice
"Desus & Mero"

The Kid Mero
"Desus & Mero"

On Casual Thursday, while old dudes were flipping the script on Earth Day Saturday (provided the President hasn't signed an executive order banning it) by celebrating fossil fuels... don't think about that, we were thinking globally and acting (it out) locally with our leadoff game, Earth Wind & Hot Air (YouTube environmentalists). Tonight's #HashtagWars: because Saturday is Earth Day, #EarthDaySongs. Stephanie and Mero are tied at 1350 to 1050 for Desus.

Time to play Final Level (Ice T's Twitter) and tonight's Live Challenge, Law & Order: WTF (doink doink). Ice T's Fin Tutuola had the best one-liners. Give us a one-liner from SVU. Desus gets 1000 from this: "Jesus, there's (ejaculate) all over this crime scene.. still warm... he can't be far away."

Ask Reddit & Ye Shall Receive: Meet the Parents Edition rounds out the week. The only member of this panel that isn't in Desus and Mero is out.

FTW: r/FellowKids. Come up with a more out-of-date throw pillow than one that says "Swipe Right". The winner: "WHITE PEOPLE"... and DESUS NICE IS VERY NICE FOR THE WIN!

The weekend's news is Monday's show. Continue the game online @midnight.

Family Feud
by Jason Huhn
bird, new, square, twitter icon @jhuhn74

Syn/YesTV: 3p/4c; also check listings
Host: Steve Harvey
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  The Johnsons take on the Salvatoris to round out the week.


Patricia, Victor, Vincent, Wenda, Marcus
Florence, SC

Chris, Emily, Kevin, Joyce, Anna
Milton, GA

SINGLE: if a man cheats on his wife, something of his she might throw into a wood chipper.
1. Clothes/Shoes 23        5. Memorabilia 5
2. Him/His man berries17   6. Wallet/Money 4
3. Cell phone 15           7. His picture 3
4. Sports equipment 12     8. Pickle pleasin' ho 3

SINGLE: a place you go where you crave to misbehave.
1. Bar/Nightclub 42        5. Strip joint 9
2. Vagas/Casino 18         6. Work 2
3. Bakery/Sweets shop10
4. Home/Bedroom 10

The #1 answer wasn't thought by either team.

DOUBLE: someone you've given the finger to when they weren't looking.
1. Boss/Coworker 32        5. Mom/Parent 6
2. Bad drivers 15          6. Sibling 4
3. Spouse/Mate 15 7. A blind person 4
4. Cop 7 8. My children 3

TRIPLE: a car that's named after an animal.
1. Jaguar 54
2. Mustang 17
3. Cougar 15
4. Impala 5

Johnsons win again, which means they can play for a new car on their next show.

The brothers had the same brain on the fourth question. Steve probably wanted to inform the producers to make a note of this show. Marcus & Victor get another $690 for a four-day total of $40,690.

Fast Money #1 answers
- 100 men: Tell me the perfect height for a woman: 5'6"
- Something on your body that might get pulled: Hair
- A specific activity that beginners always look funny doing: Dancing
- Someone who keeps you honest: Mother (Marcus)
- A restaurant chain that's all about chicken: KFC (Victor)

Farmers' Market Flip Premiere
by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

Cooking: 10p/9c
Host: Jeff Mahin
Official WebsiteFacebook
  What "Flea Market Flip" does for antiques shows, this show is doing for your local farmers markets. Our premiere is taking us to Main Street in Alhambra, CA for their farmers' market.
Rosie & Xiomara
feisty Latina chefs
Severin & Matthew
homegrown chefs

The chef teams will have two rounds to prove their culinary mettle, and the team that gets the most votes at the end of the half-hour wins $5000.

Round 1 is the FLAVOR OF THE MARKET, and Jason Cheng of Yao Cheng Farms has on offer BOK CHOY, two varieties - flowering bok choy and ta gu choy. The flowering variety is sweeter, while the ta gu choy is bolder with notes of broccoli. You have 20 minutes to cook whatever you want, but you must include the bok choy in some way. Jason will judge based on creativity, presentation, and flavor. The winner will get an advantage in the next round.
- Rosie/Xiomara: Spicy Flowering Bok Choy with Pan-Seared Shrimp
- Severin/Matthew: Ta Gu on the Gu - Garlic Ginger Ta Gu Choy with Strip Steak
WINNER: Severin/Matthew. They get a crucial advantage in...

ROUND 2: FEED THE MARKET. You will have 20 minutes and $200 to shop the market for your ingredients. Then you will have one hour to create a main and a side dish. And one of the elements must be cooked in... a BAMBOO STEAMER.

Matthew & Severin get the advantage of using Jeff in the kitchen for 10 minutes.

- Rosie/Xiomara: Popcorn Chicekn with Sweet Potato Mash, Beet Salad with Roasted Corn
- Severin/Matthew: Veggie Burger, Spicy Apple Carrot Slaw.

And the winners... by a 2 to 1 vote... ROSIE & XIOMARA!

by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

GSN: 10p/9c & 10:30p/9:30c
Host: Ben Gleib
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Ryan & Kerry
dating potheads
Stephanie & Nina

- Ryan/Kerry: Touch the remote location. They find the remote for $180.
- Stephanie/Nina: Which shirt is the opposite of not inside-out? They hit the inside out shirt for $140.
- Ryan/Kerry: Touch the smallest blue triangle. They touch the blue on the flag for $140 more, $320 total.
- Stephanie/Nina: Which one clearly has what it takes to make it to the top? They go on the elevator, but trail, $240 to $320.

- Nina: touch the one that can give you the most information about computers. She gets the laptop for $350.
- Kerry: what usually appears green inside and red or yellow outside? She runs out of time before finding the dashboard arrows.
- Stephanie: This dog's barking! Where's the cat? She's thinking dog catcher. We're thinking the CAT on the truck.
- Ryan: Who has repeated Mr. Yablonsky's class the most times? That would be Mr. Yablonsky for $350, leading $670 to $590.

- $1000 (Kerry vs. Stephanie): If you combine their names, which two form something bees make: honey, volt, flour, chicken, or comb? They run out of time on "honey comb."
- $2500 (Ryan vs. Nina): Who just now said "tomato"? Nina goes with the Ben at the cash register. That's right... and so is Ryan to win for he & Kerry, $2670 to $2590.

SMART MONEY: Which one can make you young?
- Ryan hits the background. Kerry went with the infinity sign. Correct answer: ... the "ng" turned on its side.

In the nightcap, Tara & Grishma lead with $720 to $470 for Joan & Ben. For $1000 in the Head-to-Head: turn right & touch on this: Both miss the NUN IN ZOO. For $2500: If Jerry buried Gary & Harry buried Jerry, who's Harry? Tara thought it was #2... but it's #1. Ben & Joan win, $2420 to $720.

SMART MONEY: Logically, which one should replace the question mark (English muffin - German shepherd - Belgian waffle - ?): French fries, bass drum, fried egg, or basketball? They go with French fries ... for $10,000!

by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

Syn/YesTV: 7:30p/6:30c; also check listings
Host: Alex Trebek with Jimmy McGuire, Kelly Miyahara & Sarah Whitcomb-Foss
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  For Emmett, everything is awesome (C-Note: see what I did there?). But will everything be cool in 30 minutes?
Emmett Robinson
Greenwich, OH
Nilanka Seneviratne
Washington, DC
international development nonprofit professional
Joanne Huether
Farmingdale, NY
IT manager

JEOPARDY! ROUND: Corporate Logos, Europe, Great Rock Songs, They Differ by a Letter, Black, Books of the Bible.

Emmett starts with $800 Corporate Logos, finding the Daily Double under $600 Books of the Bible. He's going for it on this: the title woman is King David's great-grandmother. "Who is Ruth?" FOR THE DOUBLER, $4400! At the half, he has $8600 to Joanne's $3000. Nilanka on $2800 will take to the board first in...

DOUBLE JEOPARDY!: Masters of Disguise, Recent Books, Chinese History, Psychology, Computers, On "Line".

... with $400 Recent Books, where Joanne finds the first Daily Double under $800. She fronts $2000 on this: this American woman is the subject of "The French Chef" in America. "Who is Julia Child?" RIGHT for $7200! Emmett finds the other under $1600 Chinese History. He makes it $2500 to go on this: in 210 BC Shi Huangdi was buried with an honor guard, thousands of clay soldiers known as this "army". "What is the Terra Cotta Army?" RIGHT for $13,500. He ends up with $17,500 to $14,400 for Nilanka. Joanne can spoil with $3800.

FINAL JEOPARDY! in Actresses: Forbes says Jennifer Lawrence was the highest-paid actress in 2016; this alliterative woman was second. Correct response: who is Melissa McCarthy?

Nobody had it, but Nilanka has the leadoff tomorrow, as he has enough to be the new Jeopardy! champion with $7601. Emmett leaves with $19,601.

Let's Make a Deal
by Jason Block
bird, new, square, twitter icon @beattheblock

CBS: 10a/9C or 3p/2C
Host: Wayne Brady with Jonathan Mangum, Tiffany Coyne & Cat Gray
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Sharmeatrice - $25,750(traded from $4,664)
Casey - $20,530
Cyntoria/Kevin - $4,497
Nelso - $4,130
Yolanda - $4,000
Anna - $2,698
David - $2,600
Gina - $1,300
Troy - $1,250
Emily - $1,000
Quickie Deals - $200

Big Deal Choice 1 - 21
Big Deal Choice 2 - 50
Big Deal Choice 3 - 74
Big Deal Location 1 - 73
Big Deal Location 2 - 31
Big Deal Location 3 - 40
Big Deal Wins- 48/145
Car Wins - 78

Total: $67,955
Total for Week 29- $173,043
Total for the Season: $5,401,593 + 1 trip of unknown value
Best Week: Week 21 - $261,819
5M Passed - 136 Shows - 04/07/2017(110+ 26)
Thursday's trading starts off with three people and they are Yolanda the Flapper, Emily the Jelly and Troy the Zonk. One person will get a $1,000 and two will get $250 checks. The person who gets the $1,000 check will make a deal and that is Emily. Will she take Curtain 1 or her cash? She takes her cash and passes on a music room with 2 guitars, amp, day bed, bar and lamp worth $4,332! Who adds the $1,000 check and who has another $250? It's Troy! He has $1,250 and can take the mini-curtain. He keeps the cash and passes on a trip to Costa Rica! It was a 6N trip to the Flamingo Resort worth $6,719! Yolanda can keep her $500 + the gold envelope with mystery cash or take Curtain 3! She passes on the curtain which was a FAST FOOD BEDROOM(with real In and Out Burgers and Fries on the side)!(ZONK FOR THE ZONK - A+ ON THE FOOD!)Yolanda wins $500 + $3,500 = $4,000 in cash!

Casey the Baker gets $1,500 to help her win a Dodge Dart SE worth $20,530! Casey has 15 seconds to choose from one of 15 keys that will open the lock to the lockbox holding the keys to her Dodge Dart. If she can completely unlock the lock and open the door within 15 seconds, Casey will be the proud owner of a new Dart. She can increase her odds by buying time at $100/second up to 15 more! Casey sets her clock at the maximum of 30 seconds! With 10 seconds left, Casey shifts from the top row down to 14, which was the correct key and Casey wins the $20,530 Dart!

Sharmeatrice the Gangster gets a viewer e-mail clue to Tiffany about Curtain 1. She says THE PRIZE BEHIND CURTAIN 1 CAN BE USED TO RELAX AFTER A LONG DAY AT WORK. Sharmeatrice passes on $500...$800...$1,000...for the curtain and she wins a new living room with a 43" LED HDTV with cable for a year worth $4,664! David the Bear can take a fistful from the mystery box of money or take the Big Box? He takes the cash and passes on A HOT ROD RECLINER(ZONK!) David reaches in and we find what he won...after the break!

David wins 52 X $50 = $2,600 in cash! Nelson the Mad Scientist is playing SO MANY WORDS. He will get a 2-12 word clue about Curtain 3 based on a dice roll. Nelson rolls 10. The clue is AT THE NIGHT THERE'S SOMETHING THAT IS VERY WATCHABLE...DEUCES. Will he take the prize or $100/word($1,000)? He takes the prize and wins TWO(DEUCES) HDTVs including a 49" and 75" HDTV along with Roku 4 streaming player worth $4,130! Let's do it again with Gina the Bobby Soxer for the small box. Her 6 word clue is SHUSHING THE SLOPES WITH YOUR FLAKES. Will she take the box or $600($100/word)...$1,200($200/word). She takes the cash and Gina passes on 4N stay at the Stoweflake resort in Vermont worth $7,062! Gina gets an extra $100 for school supplies. She is a teacher!

We need a couple and they are Cyntoria/Kevin(graduate/army guy). They are playing for a Honda Civic LX Sedan worth $20,275! They are playing the classic 7 spots game. One spot has the CAR, one has $500 and one has $1,000. The other 4 have zonks. We want to increase Cyntoria/Kevin's odds. Wayne will ask for three items. For every item they have, one zonk will be removed from the game. If they are very good, three zonks will leave and they will have a 1 in 4 shot at winning that $20,275 Honda! They miss SAFETY PIN, get ZIPPERED POUCH and 4 is GONE. They miss HAND SANITIZER. They pick 2. Wayne offers a sure thing of a new kitchen including a refrigerator/dishwasher/150 can drink fridge worth $4,497 from Haier! They take the appliances and would have won $1,000! 5 had the car!

Last deal involves Anna the Fat Lady from the Opera. She has the Red Box which is a 15" Macbook Pro with mini HD Projector worth $2,698! Will she keep or take the Green Box? She keeps the laptop and passes on a Vespa Sprint Scooter worth $5,299! Denise the Cavewoman can take the Vespa or the LMAD Envelope. She takes the envelope which was IT'S A HARD ZONK LIFE(ZONK)!

Who trades for a shot at $25,750? It's Sharmeatrice with her living room!

She picks 2. 3 was a $8,228 Bull BBQ Island. 1 was a Kayaking Package from Oru Kayak with Granite Gear Hiking Packs worth $3,300! That means Sharmeatrice wins the Big Deal which starts with a trip to St. Lucia for 7N at the Calabash Cove Resort and Spa ALONG WITH EVERYTHING IN THE BIG DEAL. That means she wins the BBQ Island, the Kayak/Hiking Package and the trip worth $25,750!

MasterChef Junior
by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

Fox: 8p/7C
Hosts/Judges: Gordon Ramsay & Christina Tosi
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  Last week, a Gordon Ramsay classic proved too much for Mark and Avani. Tonight, it's all about teamwork. But first...

MYSTERY BOX: And it's a big one. It's your family and loved ones!... and inside another box, a Blue Apron family plan box. You'll have 45 minutes to make a chicken, salmon, or vegetable dish for a whole family to enjoy. The winner will have their recipe featured in a Blue Apron Family Plan to be enjoyed nationwide.

Tonight's guest judge is Edward Lee.

- Afnan Ahmad: Pan Seared Salmon with Curried Rice Pilaf, Braised Bok Choy & Swiss Chard
- Justise Mayberry: Pan Seared Salmon with Bok Choy, Butternut Squash and Cauliflower Puree
- Adam Wadhwani: Crispy Salmon with Brown Rice, Rainbow Chard, Bok Choy and Apple Cider Vinaigrette
WINNER: JUSTISE. In addition to the Blue Apron package (which each family is getting for a year), she will have a HUGE advantage in ...

ELIMINATION TEST: Sushi. You'll have 60 minutes to make California rolls, tuna rolls, nigiri, and shrimp & vegetable sushi in the Tag Team Challenge.

Justise's advantage: she'll be picking all the teams.
- Justise/Shayne
- Jasmine/Adam
- Evan/Cydney
- Afnan/Peyton

The closest replicated package wins. The furthest away will be going the furthest away from the MasterChef Kitchen.

BOTTOM TWO: Peyton/Afnan (who spent the hour not listening to each other) and Cydney/Evan.
- ELIMINATED: Peyton/Afnan

MasterChef Junior will return in two weeks.

The Price Is Right
by Chico Alexander
bird, new, square, twitter icon @DinoRAlexander

CBS: 11a/10C
Host: Drew Carey with Gwendolyn Osborne-Smith, Rachel Reynolds & George Gray
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Record today: 2-4
Record for week 31: 7-15-2
Record this season: 396-405-53
Total today*: $52,311
Total this week*: $245,699
Total this season*: $11,058,536
Perfect bids: 17/762
Perfect Shows/Skunks: 0/2
DSWs/DOBs: 3/11
$11K/$26K SCSD Spins: 3/1
Best week: Week 6 - Big Money Week: $707,684
$11 million passed: 4/19/17

*totals are based on the MSRP of the prizes on the tape day and rounded to the nearest dollar.
It's the gateway to the weekend, and Christine Pembleton, Evan Sanders, Rose Smtih, and Samuel Smith are bidding on a touschreen laptop with sleeve. The $1724 laptop goes to Samuel, who can win $10,000 in Grand Game if he stays below the target of $6.50. Purina One canned dog food... $1.99. Pace picante sauce... $3.99. Glad storage container three-pack... $4.99. He's going with the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches... $5.99!

Rose gets a $2255 trip to San Diego (3n via limo @ Catamaran Resort & Spa) and a shot at a set of Tory Burch shoes & purses and an ATV. The 1 Right Price: $3399. She goes with the TV... and she's right!

Evan gets a $1454 set of jewelry and an iPhone 7, but can he find the Pathfinder path to a Toyota Yaris? He gets a $40 popcorn popper, but can't get off $18,___. It was $18,493.

Samuel spins out $1000 on the Big Wheel. Meanwhile, Gwendolyn Johnson goes down and up thanks to a $622 USB turntable with Bluetooth speaker & four jazz LPs. She'll take up the local jazz scene in New Orleans (6n @ Hotel Mazarin) if she makes the right call in Flip Flop. The price is not $4659. She flip flops to $6495... but she only needed to flip ($6459).

Dystiny Garcia wins a $540 foosball table and a shot at a Subaru Crosstrek 2.0i Premium in That's Too Much! She thinks $24,269 is too much... and that's JUST short. It was $25,330, so $25,740 was too much.

Christine has one and only one chance to get right with cookware, small appliances, and a kitchen cart. The price: $1029. The winner... Elona Gogadze, who'll try for a chair & ottoman, an HDTV, a treadclimber, and a gas range in Take Two. The target: $5098. She takes the TV and the gas range. The TV is $750. The gas range is $2299. Total.. $3049. She takes out the TV and subs in the treadclimber.... which is $3329 for a total of $5598. She needed the furniture and the treadclimber.

Gwendolyn meets Samuel in the Showcase. First up, fun with grills with a grill & tool kit, a trip to Memphis (5n @ the Peabody Memphis), and a Nissan Sentra S. Top winner Samuel passes, and Gwendolyn bids $27,000. Samuel goes out to sea with sea scooters, a Caribbean cruise (8d @ Costa Cruises), and a deck boat. He bids $27,400. Actual price... of Gwendolyn's Showcase... $28,262, a difference of $1262. Samuel's Showcase is... $27,.... 663 to win with a total of $40,387!

Wheel of Fortune Wheel Around The World
by Jason Block
bird, new, square, twitter icon @beattheblock

Syn/YesTV: 7p/6C
Hosts: Pat Sajak & Vanna White
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Total for Today - $26,650
Total for Week 32 - $116,490
Total for the Season: $8,146,184
Bonus Win Percentage: 60/159
Gooseeggs: 15
Toss Up Sweeps/Group Misses: 25/1
Mystery Round Prizes hit/won: 24/10
Car Wins: 17
1/2 Car Wedges hit/lost/total wins: 120/40/8
$100,000 Losses/Wins: 7/1
$1,000,000 Losses/Wins: 0/0
$1,000,000 Wedge Hit/Offered/Used/Lost: 42/159/14/17
Wild Cards Hit/Offered/Used/Lost: 85/159/26/36
Express Wedge Hit/Used/Crashes: 54/41/15
Bonus Prize Wedges hit/won: 83/56
$2,500 Space Hit - 28
$3,500 Space Hit - 92
$5,000 Space Hit - 14
Bankrupt Space Hit - 449
Lose A Turn Hit - 114
Vowels Missed: 138
Perfect Rounds: 89
Gift Tags hit/won: 100/44
Free Play Hit: 144
$6,000 FINAL SPINS: 18/159
Best Week: Week 12 - Sears Secret Santa Family Week - $469,560
Bankrupt Losses: $973,325 + 7 trips of unknown value.
Left on the Table: $2,459,124 + 6 trips of unknown value.
$8M Passed - 04/14/2017(155 Shows) (136+19)

A: 6
E : 9
R: 4
I : 10
C : 6
A : 3
' : 5
S: 8
G: 6
A: 4
M: 9
E : 4
S: 8
P: 6
I: 6
N: 4
&: 10
W: 11
I : 5
N: 9
* - 5
**: 3
*** - 6
It's Day 4 of "Wheel Around the World" Week!

The $1,000 Tossup is ON THE MAP. Larina McCoy from Charlotte, NC solves CAPE TOWN SOUTH AFRICA. She is a loan specialist for a bank and has been on 15 cruises! John Stencil from Chicago is a mechanical engineer. Gila Ogle is a 7th grade teacher from Florida! She is married with a 10 month old daughter, Aria.

The $2,000 Tossup is RHYME TIME. Gila has $2,000 with PACK A SNACK. We add this prize to the wheel which is introduced by the cast of the Wheel in Germany - a tour of Baltic States and Berlin with SmarTours worth $8,000! It's PHRASE. She hits 6 $2,500 T's - that is $15,000! But she loses $15,500 on a very painful Bankrupt. Larina solves GETTING THE ATTENTION I DESERVE for $3,900! The crew from Slovakian Wheel sends us to break! She has $4,900!

Larina also starts the Big Fish Casino mystery round which is BEFORE & AFTER. She picks up the MDW with an N, the 1/2 Car with a $500 F, dominates and solves DO YOU SPEAK FRENCH TOAST for $5,050 and the 1/2 Car along with the MDW! She has $9,950! We look at Wheel in Amsterdam before Break!

John finally gets his shot and starts the Prize Puzzle/Express Wedge Round which is THINGS. He loses $800 on Bankrupt. Gila picks up the WC with a $500 D. Gila picks up the 1/2 Car with 2 $500 T's. She misses a vowel. Larina misses. John misses. Gila loses $2,050 on Bankrupt along with the 1/2 Car and the WC. Larina solves NATURE AND NIGHTLIFE for NO CASH but she is moving closer to taking the MDW to the bonus round because she adds a trip to Puerto Rico at the Intercontinental San Juan worth $8,400! Larina has $18,350 and the MDW!

The $3,000 Tossup is PERSON. John has $3,000 with BOSOM BUDDY. He starts SONG TITLE. We go right into a FINAL SPIN worth $1,650. John solves DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY for $3,300. For a man who spun three times during the entire show - $6,300 is a nice total to leave with! Gila leaves with $2,000. But Larina becomes the 14th person this year to spin for $1,000,000 as she takes the MDW to the bonus round with $18,350!

The pre-bonus round total is $26,650! We take out the $100,000 envelope and put in the $1M envelope. If Larina lands on the right wedge and solves the puzzle, she will be the fourth person to enter the Wheel Millionaires Hall of Fame - It hasnt happened since 2014 - will it happen tonight?

Larina lands on the ** wedge. It's PERSON. With the RSTLNE and her choices F Y Q A we have:

_ A R _ _ N _ _ A
_ L A Y E R

Larina had PLAYER but was thinking FREQUENT FLYER. It was HARMONICA PLAYER. Did Larina lose $1,000,000 - no. She loses $34,000 but leaves with $18,350 in cash and prizes including her trip to San Juan! Thank goodness she did not have some extra breakfast on the day of taping. The $1M was hidden in the next spot over in the E in game. The indicator was hanging on the ** wedge and if it went over - this could have ended really badly!

We end the show at a look at Wheel in Romania!

5K Every Day Spin ID - AE3308044

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
by Don Harpwood

bird, new, square, twitter icon @doughnut251

Syn: check local listings
Host: Chris Harrison
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  Kiki Mikkelsen (Brooklyn, NY) goes into this episode with $50,000 secured, and she still has 2 lifelines available!

It's possible you could experience jet-lag on foot when walking across what border, which has the largest international time zone change of 3.5 hours?
A: Egypt-Israel
B: China-Afghanistan
C: Ukraine-Russia
D: Panama-Colombia

Kiki isn't really good at Geography. She uses the 50:50, which leaves B and C. She then calls on her mom, Nancy, and her gut is saying B. Kiki decides to go with that... and it's B!

Apparently trying to cover all their bases, iTunes' terms and conditions explicitly forbid you from using the service to do what?
A: Defraud foreign governments
B: Counterfeit postage stamps
C: Design nuclear weapons
D: Traffic in endangered species

Kiki could see A being possible, and is leaning towards that, but she isn't sure enough to go for it, deciding to walk. After seeing that the answer is actually C, she leaves with $100,000!

Matt Rogers (Brooklyn, NY)
(+1): His friend, Sudi

He asks the audience at $3,000 on the way to securing $5,000, then uses the 50:50 and calls on Sudi at $7,000. That is when the horn goes off for today; Matt returns tomorrow!