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Sixteen men and women have been
chosen by the queen of good things for a 12-week job
interview, in which only one can be named president of one of
his companies.Who
will Martha Stewart choose as his next Apprentice? Keep track
at the
Portfolio.
Recaps by Julie Suchard, GSNN |
FACT FILE:
Host:
Martha Stewart
Assistants: Charles Koppelman and Alexis Stewart
Creator: Mark Burnett (based upon "The Apprentice")
EP: Mark Burnett, Donald Trump, Jay Bienstock
Packager: Mark Burnett Productions, Trump Productions
Airs: Wednesdays at 9:00pm ET on NBC |
Copyright Statement
ALL ORIGINAL MATERIAL COPYRIGHT 1999-2004
GAMESHOWNEWSNET.COM. All rights reserved.
No infringement of copyright is intended by these fan pages; production companies of shows this site covers retain all rights to the sounds, images, and information contained herein. No challenge to copyright is implied.
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Business is Blooming
- September 28
Martha narrates a recap of events from last weeks
disaster [Kinda makes my job superfluous, dontcha
think?], so we get to hear her drone on for over two
minutes before they even start the opening montage.
Happy black Lippizaner horses dance to the strains of
the Eurythmics Sweet Dreams. Then an acid-trip revue
of paint samples and smiling photogenic people willing
to debase themselves for the uber-bitch. [Aint America
great?]
Establishing shot of the night-time Manhattan
skyline
then we look down to see lots of tiny, ant-like
people in tiny ant-like taxicabs [Im pretty sure this
is how Martha looks down on the hoi polloi from her
office window].
Howie and Ryan discuss conference-room strategy: Ryan
asks whether its better to take strong people into the
conference-room with you and try to knock them out, or
would you be scared that they might knock you out? Howie
thinks you have to take the strong ones with you and
play the game like there is no tomorrow. Then the door
opens to reveal that Dawn and Jim have survived (and
that Jeff got booted). Bethenny makes her best Valley
Girl impression, with Oh
my
God! [Gag me with Charles
cigar.] Jim gets a great big communal man-hug from
Howie and Ryan, but asks that they refrain from kissing
him.
Jim tells the camera (apparently the next day, because
its daylight outside) that he returned with the most
obnoxious bravado I could muster, and he is surely
correct. This guy is totally getting on everybodys
nerves [including this recapper], and cant keep his
freakin pie-hole shut. He tells the rest of the crew
that he told Martha that everything that you found
repugnant and unacceptable for children in this book was
the tyrannical, undebatable, executive decision made by
Jeff. Shawns jaw just drops.
Jim continues his tirade: I took the scythe, and the
mighty oak stood before me, and I picked the scythe up
and I cut it at the ankle, and it fell like a great
timber. Later
Beyotch! [Not only does this guy have
serious anger management issues, but he is mixing his
metaphors like nobodys business. And he also apparently
confuses scythes with axes. Idiot, please just die
already.] Sarah tells it like it is, saying that Jim is
unpredictable and mentally unstable. Jim keeps
congratulating himself as the architect of Jeffs
defeat, although Dawn calls him out on this last claim,
basically saying that Jim is a liar in front of all the
rest. But this doesnt stop Jim, oh no! He then states
that he is the most cunning person on his team. [Yes,
Jim, thats it! You are a cunning linguist and a master
debater.]
The next morning, Howie answers the telephone. Marthas
receptionist Julia tells them all to meet in front of
the lofts video screen at 0900. They all line up like
good little Indians awaiting word from the chief. Martha
greets them remotely from her favorite wholesale
florist. She says she is looking for some new ideas for
her website marthasflowers.com [Cheap plug!] Then, like
she is teaching a kindergarten class, Martha asks, Do
you know the names of all these flowers? [Reminds me of
the scene in Pee Wees Big Adventure: Can you say
adobe
? [No response] I knew you could!] She
especially likes the chartreusy Euphorbia; I ask you
though, who wouldnt like chartreusy Euphorbia? Heres
the next task.
Each team will get its own retail space and set up its
own flower business. The team that earns the most
revenue will win. The video feed is turned off, and the
contestants inexplicably start to clap and cheer. [They
must have caught on to the fact that Martha and her
cronies will watch tapes of the contestants even when
they arent physically present: something that the dudes
on Kept never figured out.]
On the Matchstick (touchy-feely) team, David suggests
that Chuck would be best to pick out the flowers,
apparently because Chuck is the only obviously gay man
on the team. Chuck agrees to step up and be team leader
because he has done freelance flower work in the past.
He wants to do a simple Spring bloom, no fancy
arrangements or anything that will take up a lot of
their time. Chuck, Shawn, and David go down to the
wholesale flower market to plan their product. They want
to use only one kind of flower, and Shawn suggests
tulips. Chuck drools over the lilacs on the way into the
shop, but they make a deal to buy 2000 tulips flown in
fresh from Holland the next morning.
Chuck calls to tell the others that they are going to
sell fresh, bundled tulips. Jim argues from the other
end that they shouldnt buy the flowers yet. Jim wants
to make 3 prototypes to sell to hotels and other
businesses. Chuck tells him that such buyers already
have deals nailed down and they wont be interested.
Chuck tries to cut in, but Jim wont stop talking.
Bethenny figures out that Jim is just crazy, and tries
to get the phone from him, and they play a childish game
of keep-away. Bethenny says to Jim, No one wants to
talk to you, because you are insane. Shawn remarks that
there appears to be something seriously wrong with her
team, and Chuck interjects, I am not happy. David (who
hasnt contributed anything at all so far) continues to
look like a brunette Napoleon Dynamite.
In an attempt to rip-off as much of the format as
possible from Trumps version of the show, Martha then
makes some useless statements for the viewers about
effective team leadership. It almost looks like she is
using cue cards.
Chuck calls a team meeting. Dawn is upset about the lack
of an overall plan of action. Shawn has called a costume
shop and found some Dutchgirl costumes that she wants to
use. Dawn pulls her hair into pigtails and says that
its so slutty and trashy that I love it. [Must remind
her of her pole-dancing days, when she was known as
Helga the Hump.] Dawn thinks they should call the shop
Tiptoe Thru The Tulips. Shawn thinks this diverts from
the theme that the tulips are fresh from Holland
[really?]. Then they really start to argue incoherently.
Chuck cant handle the pressure. He takes off his
glasses and buries his face in his hands. So he makes
his first executive decision: he decides to quit as
project manager and leave the loft. They all seem truly
surprised and all beg him to stay. Jim tells the camera
that he wants Chuck to stay and is secretly happy about
this, because Chucks weaknesses are potential weapons
to use against him in future debates. [Because, you see,
we have already established that Jim is a master
debater.]
Dawn and Shawn are seen comforting Chuck. Chuck is
amazingly flushed, as if he is embarrassed to be touched
by two women. Shawn even gives him a quick kiss on his
bald head. Apparently, this gives him the kick in the
balls he needed, and he decides to stay. Then he starts
making decisions and assigning tasks, which seems to
please Dawn and Jim very much.
Meanwhile, Primarius (books & numbers) visits their
retail space. Carrie is project manager, and she starts
to delegate tasks. Jennifer explains to the camera that
the area where they have the shop caters to the
high-end, and their customers might want to meet a
celebrity-florist. [Quick: name as many
celebrity-florists as you can! Did you come up with
the same number as me? {Zero} I thought so.] She makes
several cold calls, and eventually speaks to Rene
Hofstede. This guy, I guess, is what she meant by
celebrity-florist, because he has designed for Sex
and the City and Oprah Winfrey. Rene shows up right
away to the Primarius shop, and begins to nitpick; Ive
never worked with you. I dont have any references
.It
feels to me like a total fly-by-night operation.
[BINGO!!! Get that man a cigar!] He continues by saying
that to sell high-end flowers you dont give any
discounts, and they all immediately agree that they
wont give any discounts. [Well see about that.] Carrie
says that the flowers will celebrate Renes art, and
Amanda says, Its a good thing. [Oh no, wheres my
puke bucket?] Amanda starts talking to the camera, but I
have no idea what she said because her knitted shawl and
beak-like nose make her look like some kind of freakish
squawking bird. [BRAWWK! BRAWWK!] For reasons that are
never explained, Rene agrees to work with them, and they
all start cheering again. [Is he getting at least half
the profits? If not, hes a complete idiot. The only
thing that makes any sense to me about why he would work
with obvious amateurs, in an obvious fly-by-night
venture, is for face-time on TV.] Carrie explains that
the corporate team figured out that when you dont know
how to do something, you outsource it. [But dont you
typically outsource to India?]
Dawn, Bethenny, and Marcela (who has also done nothing
notable yet) from the Matchstick team decide to start
marketing their company. They put on their little black
dresses and literally start walking the streets.
Bethenny says they looked hot and they were going to
talk to guys about their tulip shop opening the next
day. At this point, even they figure out that their
venture seems very similar to soliciting for sex.
Bethenny and Dawn accost some guy in his car, and to his
credit he begs off even after they invite him for a
private tour of the shop. [Now I have the title song
from Little Shop of Horrors running through my head.
Wasnt that set in a flower shop too?]
Chuck, Shawn, and Jim check out their shop to do some
decorating. Jim instantly gets fixated on polishing the
brass hardware on the door. We need Brasso. Were gonna
get Brasso. Jim and Shawn paint and staple their hearts
out, when the slut-crew arrives. Jim and Dawn start
arguing over the price of Brasso ($6 says Jim at first,
then later he says $4) and whether this is a good use of
resources. Jims overeager arguments basically drive
Dawn and her crew out of the shop, and Jim says to her,
Ill see you in the conference room tomorrow! Dawn is
upset at how Jim treats her after she has whored herself
so hard, and says This is the most despicable day of my
life. [Hey Dawn, what about that day made that video
for some coke and a Burger King gift certificate?] Chuck
ends the day expecting that Martha will think their
project is a disaster. [There are some pretty good
predictions going on here on Team Matchstick.]
Next morning at the Primarius store:
They all scramble to get the store set up and running.
They had a poster made that reads, EXCLUSIVE ONE-DAY
SPECIAL EVENT, Rene Holstede, Sex in the City
Celebrity Florist, but the type-font is really much too
small to read from the street. All the team members are
dressed only in black, and they wait, and wait, and wait
for the customers. They manage to get a few people into
the shop, but sticker-shock ensues. They are selling
relatively small arrangements for $110, $45, and $150,
etc. Howie realizes that their customers are just coming
in off the street, not expecting to buy anything before
they got there, and the prices are just too damned high.
Carrie still is a believer in the high price-points, and
thinks they just need one or two big orders to win.
The Matchstick store is selling bunches of tulips for
$15 each, and they are getting much more interest from
their customers. They hired three models to wear Dutch
outfits and canvass the neighborhood. However, these
models hang out a bit too far from the store and cant
impart the necessary information to passersby. Charles
and Alexis (the faux-George and faux-Caroline) comment,
I think the girls are on the wrong corner. That depends
on what theyre selling. True. Someone wants to buy
some flowers for only $10, but they insist on $15. One
customer makes a large buy from Dawn ($150?) and they
agree to deliver the order. Dawn is so happy that she
says, If I ever see him again Im gonna make out with
him for 3 hours. [OK. Now we know Dawns fee schedule
for sexual favors.] Charles strolls in and says that the
store looks great. He remarks that the two teams appear
to be using very different sales strategies, with
Matchstick going for volume and Primarius going with a
higher price-point [in case you havent been paying
attention].
At Primarius, Howie confronts Carrie about the high
prices. Carrie counters by saying that they have to keep
their agreement with Rene for the higher price-point.
Howie then goes directly to Rene and says that they get
about one buyer out of 20 who come into the store.
Carrie tentatively enters the conversation and now
agrees with Howie, because they have to start moving
some product. Rene suggests that they keep the listed
prices as before, but be willing to give each customer
an unadvertised discount [in direct opposition to his
stance the day before]. So now Sarah says to a customer,
The little arrangements are about $30 apiece. They were
$45 this morning, and they get sale after sale after
sale. Howies approach is, Lets work backwards. How
much do you want to spend?, and he even starts making
offers like an auctioneer, Two for forty, two for
forty!
Conference Room Time:
Martha asks Charles how Primarius did on the task. He
says he was quite impressed, and they did $1886 in
sales. Martha then gives the nod to Alexis to talk about
Matchstick. Alexis says that Matchstick took the other
approach and tried to sell a higher volume of a lower
cost flower, but that they brought in only $969. Martha
congratulates Primarius, and tells them that their
reward is to help create a garden for a community-center
in Chelsea. [Because it is better to give than to
receive. I can hardly wait for the contestants to say
how this task was so much better than any tangible
reward. I call Bullshit on that; give me the jewelry
store visit that the Apprentices got on Trumps show any
day of the week.] Martha then continues with,
Matchstick, you lose, yet again.
To make a long story short: Primarius helps some kids
with the garden, and they all say that it was better
than getting any other reward. [I was happily surprised
that they didnt dig up any bodies.] Sarah thinks that
Martha was trying to teach them that rewards are not
all about taking, sometimes rewards are about giving.
She does a lot of community service herself [about 5
months worth, if I recall correctly] and she wanted to
give us the same experience. [I wonder what the lesson
is for the poor kids who live there. Is it supposed to
be that eventually rich people will swoop in and give
you what you need?]
At Matchstick, Jim tells a collected group that Dawn is
a virus
Matchstick has a deadly virus and it needs to be
cured
.Shes a roadblock on the way to our success.
[Jim, now you are confusing these reality shows.
Roadblocks are in The Amazing Race.] Meanwhile, Dawn is
in the next room and can hear everything. Jim tells
everyone to support Chuck, so that he can get the other
strong people out. [Jim cant see the obvious
inconsistency in saying first that Dawn is weak, and
then that she is strong. But it doesnt matter to him.
He just keeps talking and talking and talking, hoping
that verbosity can beat down any resistance. And the
verbosity seems to at least be causing Jim to become
hoarse. With any luck, he wont be able to croak out
loud for much longer.] Chuck comes into the room and Jim
immediately hovers over to offer him some water and
compliment him on his jacket. [Its so obvious that hes
sucking up, but I dont think Jim realizes how
transparent this is. But, again, hes not going for
subtlety; hes hoping that he can be so overbearing that
no one will fight him about anything.] Marcela watches
as Jim tries to bully Chuck into getting rid of Dawn;
she comments to the camera that Jim likes gratuitous
cruelty. Jim wants to prevent Chuck from quitting by
saying You are brilliant, you are beautiful. Youve got
design acumen
the way you moved in that store yesterday
was brilliant. [Is he coming on to Chuck? Yes, I think
he is.] Chuck tells the camera that he has
mixed-emotions about Jims support, and he will have to
consider what it means. As Chuck leaves the room, Jim
croaks out an I love you! [WTF is going on here!] And
then he does it again, I love you.
Upon entering the conference room and being asked How
are you?, Chuck says Weve been here on better
circumstances. Martha asks Marcela what went wrong.
Marcela says it was a lack of delegation and
communication. Martha asks whose fault that was, and
Chuck says it was his fault. Chuck thinks that because
they have billed themselves as creative people, they all
take on too many tasks. Jim smirks and shakes his head
in denial. Charles pulls out another unlit cigar/phallic
symbol and sticks it in his mouth. Martha heard from
Alexis that the shop looked cute, but that the
creativity stopped there. She thinks the Dutchgirl
models were a terrible idea, and wonders why they even
considered it. Shawn and Bethenny tell Martha that they
were going with a Dutch theme, to which Martha angrily
responds by asking, Were all the tulips grown in
Holland?, expecting (but failing) to catch them in a
logic trap. Bethenny, however, unwittingly saves Martha
some face by blurting out, What else does Holland even
have?, allowing Martha to berate her for insulting an
entire country like that. Martha should have left it
alone at that point, because the only other Dutch
offerings to civilization that she uses as examples are
Vermeers and Van Goghs. Alexis didnt like that the
models werent actually providing any helpful
information to passersby, and Jim loudly mutters Oh, it
was so ridiculous. They were just set loose like dogs,
trying to wash his hands of any wrongdoing. Martha
summed it up by saying it was real tacky.
Martha asked Chuck what he did. He says he made some
timelines and had a nervous breakdown. Jim says No,
being unable to ever keep his mouth shut. Chuck tries to
take responsibility for the failure, and Jim says,
Thats ridiculous. I take that as a deep, personal,
wounding insult that you would say that, Chuck. Jim
says that it is flagrant disrespect for a team that
rallied around him, and how dare he resign. [Once again,
dont look for any logic to anything Jim says.] Martha
asks if this means Chuck is resigning, and he says that
he isnt. Charles asks Jim who is responsible then for
the team losing. Jim responds by saying, There is a
charlatan amongst us, [Yeah, Jim, its you.] and its
Dawn. Dawn then reads a list of contributions she made
to the team, and Jim makes snarky comments throughout
her entire list. Martha says, Jim, it seems like you
have an agenda. He responds by saying that his agenda
is to save his team, and the weakest link is dragging
us like an anchor [once again with the improperly mixed
metaphors], we are drowning because this one person who
at every step is a roadblock
like a vizier into the
project managers ear and just poisons him. [So, Jim,
you are suggesting that a viziers advice is always
necessarily poison? And this expression is derived from
Disneys Aladdin perhaps?] Dawn smiles because she
cant believe how crazy Jim is acting. Martha asks Chuck
to pick two people to come back with him into the
conference room. He chooses Jim and Dawn. Before they
leave, Shawn asks Martha if she has any advice for them.
She says that she cant help them get along, but that
they need to each decide what they can do very well and
contribute that to the team. You cant whine, you cant
kvetch, and you cant complain [Looks like someone uses
their thesaurus]
and you cant quit. Quitters? Forget
it! [She actually raises her voice here, so this must
really piss her off.] If I hear the word quit from
this team once more
, I mean thats crazy! Jim
immediately echoes with, Thats insane. [Its just
like Anwar from Kept, where he would echo other
peoples last two words as a sign that he heard and
acknowledged their remarks, and agrees with them
implicitly. Jim, you are a crazy freak!] Bethenny tries
the same tack by saying she is so embarrassed of her
team she is about to cry. Martha cuts back by saying
that women in business cant cry, and that shed be out
of here if she did. [Thats strike two for you, Bethenny.
Why dont you just shut up.]
Martha, Charles, and Alexis have an extremely brief
chat. They recognize that Jim obviously has an agenda
against Dawn, but they dont know why. They think
Matchstick needs to find a leader who can actually lead
them effectively in the right direction. She asks Julia
to send the three candidates back in.
Martha asks Dawn why she should stay. Dawn says that she
makes a lot of contributions, and if the others cant
see it then they have to take their blinders off.
Charles asks Jim why he keeps shaking his head (in
denial of Dawns remarks), and he says that Dawn if
fraudulent. Charles wants to know what Jims deal with
Dawn is about. Dawn says that its personal, but Jim
says that its not personal but simply that Dawn cant
do anything. Chuck stupidly then asks for the gunsights
to be trained on him instead by saying the whole project
was pathetic. He says, I may not have the skill-set to
manage people. Jim looks extremely angry that Chuck is
allowing any pressure off of Dawn. Alexis asks why Chuck
picked Jim to return to the conference room. Chuck
explains that the greatest conflict on the team is
between Jim and Dawn, and he hoped that getting either
one of them off would improve team dynamics [Very true].
The point is moot, however, because Martha hates
quitters. She even says that she made the best out of
going to jail, rather than whining and crying, and that
a dysfunctional team has to do the best it can. They
need a leader, not someone who cant be a leader during
their one chance to shine. Chuck, you are the weakest
link
Goodbye!
Charles, being the ultimate Yes-Man, tells Martha that
she made the correct and obvious decision. Martha says
Chuck was creative, but not executive material. Alexis
sits mutely, wondering why they didnt cast any
bull-dykes for the show. Chuck takes his walk-of-shame,
as Martha writes to him that there was no team-work and
little leadership in evidence.
Next Week:
Marthas Apprentice is no piece of cake as the
candidates have to make an original wedding cake. Is
this a recipe for disaster? Donald Trump and his now
preggers wife Maleficent make an appearance. Martha
makes her own rules. |
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