Episode 9: The Swan Pageant
- May 24
Simple plan, right? Take sixteen women who believed that
all their worth amounted to was a bus ride to Jersey to
poke Gordon with a wooden spoon. Gussy them up with $3
million in plastic surgery. Then have them endure a
painstakingly gruesome regimen of diet, exercise, and
therapy for three months. After three months, throw in a
mirror and watch the squeals unfurl. Simple?
That was
only half of the story. The other half occurs tonight,
when nine of them will face the world in a beauty
pageant unlike any ever attempted, where one will be
crowned "The Swan" and take home hundreds and thousands
of dollars in prizes.
But
really, you're just waiting for the story to end, so we
can all learn a lesson, that I'm sure Amanda will bestow
upon us. Eventually.
First,
we're treated to some self-congratulation, with a
montage of press that the show's been getting. Yeah,
cool. Let's get to the players. Once again, they are...
Beth
Lay; Milton, WA
Marnie Regevich; Chesterfield, MI
Belinda Bessant; Las Vegas
Cristina Tyree; Rancho Cordoba, CA
Kelly Alemi; Abingdon, MD
Cindy Ingall; San Diego
Sarina Voight; Denver
Merline Norman; Victorville, CA
Rachel Love-Fraser; Sammamish, WA
Each one
of them has earned their place, but it's up to these
five judges to determine who has outshone them all:
Susie
Castillo; Miss USA 2003
Valerie Trott; Champagne Trott Model Management
Judith Regan; Publisher, Regan Books
Tara Kraft; Star Magazine
Mike Ruiz; fashion photographer
NOW,
we've all heard that the winner gets "hundreds of
thousands of dollars in prizes". But what exactly are
those prizes? Well, we've got a contract with Champagne/Trott,
Tadashi , St. Pucci, and Claire's Collection designer
wardrobe, vacations in Hawaii and Vegas, a $50,000
scholarship to Western International University, a
$10,000 transformational scholarship to Anthony Robbins
(yes, THAT Tony Robbins) Mastery University, a 2004
Jaguar, and $50,000 in cash.
Oh yeah,
and some crown dealie... In our filleriffic opener, we
go in-depth into the no-mirrors rule, which in the end,
proved most beneficial and most successful, especially
with the mirror police on constant patrol in the flats,
in the doctor's office, and even in the gym. If it had a
reflection, then it had to be ... well, "sanitized" is
the only word I can think of. Let competition commence!
First
up, the evening gown competition, as we reintroduce
ourselves to Beth (who was unsure of her marriage and
herself). If this is like any pageant I've seen, judges will score using standard pageant
scoring, which, if I remember my preadolescent era, is
1.0 the lowest, 10.0 the highest, highest and lowest
scores removed and the rest averaged.
Then we
see Cindy, who is best remembered for her nose and her
frankness. And her facial hair. And being the witch as a
kid. After the surgery, the nose went, the hardships
were overcome, and the family is in the crowd to share
in the moment.
Next,
the Wild Card pick from last week, Kelly. From a sobbing
sop to a sort-of-average transformation, we remember the
toll taken from her psychological malform of
relationship problems. Tonight, we see that she's been
working seriously to get rid of that tiny little lip
problem that set me off from day one.
Afterwards taking the "walk of her life" is Rachel,
Kelly's competition from week 1. Construction office
worker with extreme self-doubt. She WAS a little average
and she DID have a little (very little) support from
home. As she takes the stage, husband watches on now.
She gets damn near perfect marks.
Cristina
is up next, as we remember her as the woman with
excessive skin folds. It was threatening her marriage,
and the end result was threatening her chances at
survival. She persevered, though, as she walks down the
runway a radiant beauty my god I'm beginning to sound
like these people.
Divorce
was the driving force of Sarina, who learned that she
had to let go of her past in order to embrace her
future. After kicking the crap out of her husband, she
went on to become one of the best transformations this
season. And from the looks of things, the transformation
continues. "Plain Jane has left the building."
Caretaker Merline never took care of herself, but took
care of everyone else. All she wanted was straight
teeth. She got that and then some, and won her spot in
the pageant as a result of her competitor bringing in a
contraband mirror. And she's still freaky looking with
that new smile thing going.
Belinda
was a swan before, then she became the swine, and
finally, back into a swan. Hopefully leaving behind her
past of abusive relationships. And correction, Belinda
was the one who kicked the tar out of her ex. But would
she continue on that path after the final reveal? Show
me "sorta!" (CLANG!)
Finally,
Marnie struts out after having been deprived of
long-lasting happiness from a divorce caused by kids.
She looked and acted like an old lady, and she had a
problem with her discipline. She pulled out of her rut
and continues on her winning ways, even until tonight.
Okay, that's the round. Now to the scores.
EVENING WEAR |
Beth |
Cindy |
Kelly |
Rachel |
Cristina |
Sarina |
Merline |
Belinda |
Marnie |
Castillo |
9.7 |
9.5 |
8.4 |
9.8 |
8.0 |
8.5 |
7.7 |
7.7 |
8.8 |
Trott |
9.3 |
9.3 |
8.5 |
9.6 |
7.7 |
8.6 |
7.9 |
7.7 |
8.9 |
Regan |
9.5 |
9.4 |
8.5 |
9.9 |
7.7 |
8.8 |
8.1 |
7.7 |
8.8 |
Kraft |
9.7 |
9.4 |
8.6 |
9.8 |
7.8 |
8.8 |
8.0 |
7.8 |
8.9 |
Ruiz |
9.7 |
9.4 |
8.6 |
9.9 |
8.0 |
8.7 |
8.0 |
7.8 |
8.9 |
Looks like
Beth and Rachel are the ladies to beat, as all nine
sashay as a combined force of SWEET JEEBUS! A lot of
work went into this, from extra time in the gym with
Greg, to learning how to walk and move like beauty
queens... in stiletto heels. Heel, toe. Heel, toe. Who
says the Simpsons isn't educational? After the assault
on the pages of People magazine, they assault the racks
and the mannequin for swimwear for the next round. I
don't' know why, but I feel sorry for the mannequin.
Anywho, now
we go to the swimwear competition, and what can we say
that hasn't been said already? I know. "How many dresses
does Mole Woman have?!" Remember, they're being judged
on beauty, poise, and overall... yeah, you've heard this
before. It's swimsuit time. And Sarina's sarong is
sa-lipping!
SWIM
WEAR |
Beth |
Cindy |
Kelly |
Rachel |
Cristina |
Sarina |
Merline |
Belinda |
Marnie |
Castillo |
9.8 |
9.3 |
8.4 |
9.9 |
8.1 |
8.9 |
7.6 |
7.6 |
9.2 |
Trott |
9.4 |
9.4 |
8.4 |
9.5 |
7.7 |
8.5 |
7.9 |
7.7 |
8.9 |
Regan |
9.5 |
9.5 |
8.4 |
9.8 |
8.0 |
8.5 |
8.0 |
7.7 |
9.0 |
Kraft |
9.6 |
9.4 |
8.6 |
9.8 |
7.9 |
8.7 |
8.0 |
7.8 |
9.1 |
Ruiz |
9.6 |
9.5 |
8.7 |
9.9 |
7.7 |
8.7 |
7.9 |
7.8 |
9.1 |
Beth and
Rachel still have the advantage after this round.
They're locks to go to the next round. That would
require that someone gets eliminated, though. That's
exactly what happens next, as three Swans go bye-bye.
The six moving on to the semis in random order are...
Cindy, Beth, Rachel, Marnie, Sarina, and Kelly. They
move on, and the rest move to the back of the stage,
please and thank you.
Now to
prove that this isn't just a superficial beauty contest,
it's time for the requisite judges' (and host's)
questions round. First up, Cindy, who draws Valerie:
"You've been away from your husband and children for
four months. Do you feel your decision to come here is
worthwhile?"
Cindy:
It's been difficult, but it's been worth it. In the long
run, we're all going to pay off in the benefits.
Beth
draws Mike: "Since you've been away from your husband
for so long, what do you think your marriage is going to
be like when this is all over?"
Beth: I
think once I go home, with all the tools I've been given
by Dr. Ianni and Nely, our marriage is going to be
better.
Rachel
draws Judith: "Now that you've completed the Swan
program, do you believe that you've exceeded your
expectations?"
Rachel:
I do believe that I have exceeded my expectations.
Through the program, I learned that I matter a lot in
this world.
Halfway
home, as Marnie draws Tara: "During your time in the
Swan program, what have you learned about self-esteem
that you'd like to share with your two children?"
Marnie:
You only limit yourself and you can accomplish so much
more than you think.
Sarina
draws Susie: "Who is Sarina today and what are your
plans for the future?"
Sarina:
"Sarina today is a person who loves to do for other
people, but knows that first she has to do for herself."
That
leaves Kelly with our dear Amanda: "Do you feel as if
you've been able to let go of the past and finally be
comfortable in your own skin."
Kelly: I
feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I'm very
confident, very happy, and I have a new start in my
life.
Scores,
please?
Q&A |
Cindy |
Beth |
Rachel |
Marnie |
Sarina |
Kelly |
Castillo |
8.5 |
10.0 |
9.6 |
8.0 |
9.4 |
9.9 |
Trott |
8.8 |
8.2 |
9.2 |
8.0 |
9.2 |
8.0 |
Regan |
9.2 |
9.1 |
9.2 |
8.5 |
8.6 |
8.8 |
Kraft |
9.5 |
9.6 |
10.0 |
9.0 |
8.8 |
9.3 |
Ruiz |
8.6 |
9.1 |
10.0 |
8.5 |
9.0 |
9.2 |
From Q&A
we go to T&A. Better get the kids to bed, because things
are about to get hot up in herre. After each get a ritzy
photo shoot, each lady, who swears by their mothers that
they have never worn lingerie in their life, get to
strut their stuff off for the modeling cameras (and
those of any prospective stalkers) on national
television, baby. Any feminists and fans of decency on
TV watching, please remember that all mail to GSNN does
not reach Fox. All we do is report. Thank you. no
secret, Beth and Rachel are my favorites thus far.
PHOTO/
LINGERIE |
Cindy |
Beth |
Rachel |
Marnie |
Sarina |
Kelly |
Castillo |
9.8 |
9.7 |
9.9 |
9.5 |
7.9 |
9.8 |
Trott |
9.1 |
8.2 |
9.3 |
8.1 |
8.2 |
8.1 |
Regan |
9.5 |
9.4 |
9.6 |
8.0 |
8.4 |
8.5 |
Kraft |
9.4 |
9.3 |
9.9 |
8.9 |
8.9 |
9.0 |
Ruiz |
8.9 |
9.0 |
9.9 |
8.4 |
8.8 |
9.3 |
Ball of
fire in the background. Again... SYMMMMMM-bolism! Well,
in a moment, three of these ladies are going to crash
and burn. Time to announce which three, out of a pool of
200,000, will be one step close to becoming the Swan.
Once again, in random order, here are your final
three... Rachel, Beth, and Cindy. One more round to go,
as each lady must tell the judges why they deserve to be
the Swan.
Rachel:
I believe that this program has given me so much. It's
given me my self-esteem, and a sense of who I am. I'd
like to teach everyone that they matter, that they have
a place in this world, that they can bring out the best
they can possibly be. Because even thought you might
think it's a dream, they do come true. I'm living proof,
standing here today.
Beth: I
came here with very low self-esteem. I found my heart
and soul here. I have a man in my life that I love
dearly. And if I can just share this with one person in
my life, then I would've accomplished one goal in my
life. *tear tear*
Finally,
Cindy: I feel that any one of us could represent a Swan
beautifully. I would not only represent the women on
stage, but all of you who had a dream and went for it.
It would be my honor.
Gee, she
sounds like she's an ambassador. It's just a fricking
television series, not the queen of the world contest.
Well, it all comes down to this, as all of our ladies
are ready to crown the first Swan. But first, let's show
off some hardware, as all nine contestants are wearing a
nice set of bling with three stones representing their
past, present, and future. And get this... they get to
keep them. Some of them will also receive furs from
FICA, cell phone packages, Beauty Collection products,
and a gift from SprayTans.
Alright,
enough chat. It's game time. But first (*groan*), let's
bring out Nely, we all know that she's gone the whole
episode without being seen. Finally, at long last... the
judges' decision.
The
second runner-up this evening is... Cindy Ingall. Yay
for her. Now the winner, and should the winner for
whatever reason be unable to carry out her duties as
prescribed by prize sponsors, FremantleMedia, Fox, and
their babies' daddies, the first runner-up will carry
out the remainder of her term. I'm running out of
breath, take it Amanda.
"Our
first runner-up this evening... is Beth Lay." With the
bouquet, and the tiara and the sash and everything,
Rachel Love-Fraser turned into a beautiful Swan. And
they lived happily ever after the end.
Well, it
leaves me the question: what price beauty? I'll tell
you, $3 million not including the prizes. Not for wanton
lack of taste, this beauty chase got ugly fast. Next
season promises, because this is Fox, and that's the way
it works, more. And another will live happily ever
after.
All I
have to say is that the moment someone thinks of "World
Swan", I'm walking. Casting continues at swancasting.com.
See you next season. Chico... out! |