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Play-er: (noun) an over-charismatic, over-charming person who isn't willing to settle down with just one person.

Used in a sentence: Thirteen players try to get with a Miami model, but if their playing ways don't get them in trouble, her girlfriends - and the unseen Player Operator - will!

Recaps by Chico Alexander, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Creators: Don Weiner, Happy Walters, Cary Woods, Scott Nemes
EP: Don Weiner, Happy Walters
Packager: Don Weiner Productions, IR. Immortal
Airs: Wednesdays at 9:00pm ET on UPN


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"Being a Player Advances World Peace" - August 18

Last week, the boys were playing some three-on-three with the Detroit Shock in hopes of playing three-on-one with Dawn. As soon as the games were over, two players - one in the middle of his date - were sent home with nothing but their shattered egos... And if you thought egos were shattered before, you haven't even seen the pageant we thought up!

Like the intelligent folk that chose not to watch this, Dawn finds this living arrangement "awkward", with 10 horny guys and three hot girls under the same roof. Quoted song lyric #1 from Eian: "Forget about game, I'mma spit the truth." If you know what comes after that, then you know where Eian's mind is right now... and it's not on Dawn at the moment. Well, at least we have one mind here.

Next day, it's the Play-Op with some more news...

Play-Op: My sources tell me that some of you have mad style. Get ready for the Player Pageant. You'll receive further instructions from Dawn at your first destination.

Unlike last week, first thing on Alex's mind is not: "I need some sneakers." The guys meet Dawn at a thrift store with some news from the Play-Op. Each player will have one hour and $25 at the thrift store. Choose wisely, for four of the players will sail away on a yacht with Dawn. The rest are doomed to cook. Count JJ among the cookers, as once again, he spots some bling and just goes inaudible on us.

So after we get some gear on... and yes, it's stereotypically tacky, we head to the pool, where the players will be judged on style, physical fitness in a bathing suit, and the interview by Dawn.

Trever sports oversized clod-hoppers, while Eian, Alex, and Chyno go the more stylish route. The rest of them... just don't match... At all.  Marvin doesn't even bother with the suit, just selling himself on T-shirt and red pants. And a nice hat.

Now, the swimsuit/interview competition. I'm overblinged, myself. The questions on the interview: "How does being a player advance world peace?" and "If you had to choose either Jinelle or Ananda to be eliminated from this game, who would you choose and why?" Defining moment in bravado: Eian said that he would eliminate Jinelle, because "she's a hater."

Time to sash a few people. Getting the top prize today are Chyno (Mr. Applebottom), Trever (Mr. Sweet Teeth), Alex (Mr. Smooth), and Byron (Mr. Mad Threats). Dawn has one more sash to give out, and it goes to our man Eian. Because there are no haters in this game, Eian is named Mr. Played Out. The prize: a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

No sooner than Eian is escorted off the stage than the rest of the cast starts celebrating.

Alex is the find of the world (and the bar) on the yacht as the players enjoy their yacht ride. Meanwhile Marvin, Ben, JJ, Ryan, and Acie have to cook a four-course meal for Ananda, Jinelle, Dawn, and their four dates. The guys are thinking "crazy jazz" in the kitchen. Most of it comes from JJ, whom Marvin thinks lacks style and sophistication. Ingredients are gathered, and now it's back to Kitchen Stadium to work some game on these...

Back on the yacht, diving, jet-skiing, scaring Dawn to death, and some spa-time with Trever. He calls her a pretty girl, which she says only helps "if they're having sex or something". Alex gives our girl a massage as he's starting to grow some feelings. Byron takes here away to some strawberries and chocolate, you know, the kind of things sex is made of. Dawn, needless to say, starts falling for the four.

Back in the kitchen, Marvin can't stress enough that dinner may determine who's going next. "JJ don't know what the hell he's doing." Nope, not with a big-ass salad bowl. The rest of the guys don't gel as well, as not one... okay, MAYBE one... has ever cooked anything outside dogs and burgers.

Dinner time, and Marvin serves as dinner host, and his dish is up first. Looks good, really. Too bad Dawn can't get his cockiness out of her head. Neither can Jinelle or Ananda; that could cost him. Meanwhile, Acie is busying himself with candles and bathwater in case he can't save himself with his fish. Ben and JJ's presentation makes up for the fact that they had no clue what they were doing. The dessert, cannoli, topped it off, as Dawn says that the guys who stayed at home outshadowed the guys who went on the date. End result: everyone's invited to a slumber party at Dawn's!

Acie pulls Jinelle aside to show him his bathroom mastercraft, telling her to get Dawn up there. She does, and she's so taken aback that she actually postpones the jammy jam for another 90 minutes.

Dawn takes her clothes off as instructed and waits for Acie to make "an entrance." Chyno notices Acie getting ready, calling it "fake". He doubts if he'll pull it off. He does, massage and all. Marvin greets him with this: "I put up the bar, and you done raised it." Just like Marvin's a lawyer, Acie's career is... dealing with women.

The rest of the guys get knackered up for the slumber party, which, once it starts, turns out to be way too tame for the likes of Trever and JJ, so they and Ben take the party to Jinelle and Ananda's room, and they go completely Metallica on it. And if that wasn't pathetic enough, JJ's baring his arse... again.

Ben jumps naked from the second floor balcony to the pool, and the rest of the story pretty much writes itself: Jinelle and Ananda return to find their room a complete mess. Dawn is not amused, and JJ, being the proverbial manchild, pleads his case. He stays around for the night with Trever and Ben... but it could be JUST for the night.

JJ doesn't want to get eliminated. Ben doesn't want to get eliminated. Marvin doesn't think he's going to be eliminated. Well someone's about to get eliminated, because it's elimination time. Jinelle nominates Marvin. Ananda guts JJ. Marvin says that his actions will speak louder than his words, and he plans on dominating should he remain. JJ apologizes for last night, and tries to lobby for more good times like the last episode. Dawn sees that he's learned from that, and for that, he stays. Marvin asks for a rebuttal. Dawn denies.

So obviously, this isn't a dating show, it's just a sad excuse for one domineering fool of a woman to just prove that she's no smarter than the rest of us. Because seeing someone who obviously thinks he's above himself... and seeing a woman who's likewise... and they're not together... you know something's amiss.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my cannoli's done. Live to play another day.

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