Episode 2 - October 5
Three brave, brave men once again put their asses and
egos on the line in three sick stunts (called
"sacrifices") to test their endurance to PAIN and SHAME.
Should they beat the others, they go on to the INSANE
Final Stunt and, should they win that, they'll get the
sports fantasy of a lifetime... for someone else.
Let's meet the shmoes putting their butts in check and
for whom said butts will be sacrificed:
From: Pueblo, CO
Profession: Business Owner
Playing for: Chad Danielson
Dream: Take batting practice with the New York Yankees
at Yankee Stadium
From: Los Angeles, CA
Playing for: Ersno Eromo
Dream: See a live game and practice with Liverpool of
the English Premiere League
From: Chicago, IL
Playing for: Rob Federighi, Sr.
Relation: Father (duh!)
Dream: Play catch with Rob in the outfield at Wrigley
Field in Chicago
(And, just like in "Fear Factor", ESPN wants to cover
their asses. So they let you know that these stunts are
put together and overseen by "trained professionals"
[whatever THAT means]. So do yourself and your lawyers a
HUGE favor and DON'T DO ANYTHING THEY'RE DOING!)
SACRIFICE 1: PAIN - KICK RETURN IN THE HEAD
The three teams drive their Ford F-150 trucks to the San
Diego Sports Arena, where the San Diego Riptide play in
the Arena Football League. They are met by former
"National Lampoon Greek Games" host George Gray, who
explains that the first "sacrifice" is very simple. All
they have to do is run back three kickoffs in this AFL
field. The one who runs it back for the most total yards
in three kicks wins.
The guys get suited up in pads and Erdolo is randomly
selected to start. They start just like a regular
football game, with the coin flip and choosing sides
between the Riptide and the Los Angeles Avengers.
There's one thing, though: BOTH teams have elected to
kick! That means that Erdolo will be alone against BOTH
TEAMS! The GOOD news (if you want to call it that) is
that there will only be eight players going after him.
George then explains how the three kicks will work. The
player will stand at one goal line while the eight
defenders kick-off from the other goal line (just like
in the AFL). The ball will bounce off netting ten yards
deep in the end zone and the player will grab it and run
like hell. The defenders are not allowed to move until
specific things happen for each kick. At the first kick
they can only leave the goal line when the player
touches the ball, the second will have them running when
the ball hits the net...and, on the THIRD kick, they run
at the player as soon as the foot contacts the ball.
Yardage will be score from the goal line and they can't
LOSE yards if they're tackled in or behind the end zone.
A whistle will indicate when the defenders will take
Erdolo stands at one goal line, the eight defenders at
the other. They kick the ball high, deep and into the
net. As soon as Erdolo nabs it, the whistle blows and
defenders take off. But... Erdolo must hear an echo in
the empty arena because he claims to hear a second
whistle and, having played football himself, he
automatically slows down thinking the play is over. This
gives a defender a chance to... well, to LEVEL him!
George reminds everyone to remember the rules he laid
out. At least Erdolo got 18 yards out of it. The second
kick hits the net and, again, the guy is thrown off by
the whistle. The ball bounces into the end zone and into
the padding beyond. By the time Erdolo grabs it, the
defenders are more-or-less right on him. He gets tackled
in the end zone for 0 yards.... and gets angry at his
tackler lording over him. The final kick... well,
considering he never TOUCHED the ball before the
defenders arrived and flattened him,... you can guess he
got no yards... and got no love for the defenders. So
his total is 18 yards.
It's Rob's turn... and Rob, Sr. is nervous for him. Rob
used to be a QB... which means - unless you're Michael
Vick - you can run for beans. The first kick hits the
net and takes a few bounces before Rob picks it up and
bolts towards the defenders, who ALSO bolt. He gets
pushed to the ground by a defender...but it's after he
runs 19 yards, which means he knocked Erdolo out with
ONE return! The second kick hits the netting and bounces
at the goal line, where Rob picks it up and runs at the
already-running defenders. He has great form and tries a
deke, but a defender nails him against the boards at the
18-yard line. Rob, Sr. starts to get nervous and wants
Rob to stop now while he's ahead.
Still, "Dad" knows Rob
won't walk off since, according to him, "He hasn't
listened to me in 20 years." And he's right: Rob DOESN'T
walk off. But HIS third kick is as successful as
Erdolo's, though he DOES manage to catch the ball right
off the net. Still, it's 0 yards for a grand total of
John has to get 38 yards further to win... and Chad
gives him some pointers, having watched the other two
very carefully. He trash-talks the players as they kick
for the first time. The ball goes through the narrow
uprights and into the slacked net, bouncing against the
back wall. John picks it up 15 yards deep and does his
best to make up for lost yards... but he trips on the
turf and falls to the ground at the 17-yard line, tying
Erdolo's first return. The second return strikes the net
and John catches it on the fly and sprints hard. He gets
CLOBBERED after 15 yards, but he's still spry enough to
cuss out the defenders. John needs a final run of more
than 5 yards to win. But it's not gonna happen; John
manages to field the ball... and get nailed by the
defenders a half-second later in the end zone. He only
managed 32 total yards, so that means Rob is going to
the Final! But, hey, the 40-year-old John is PUMPED and
happy to have done this.
SACRIFICE 2: PAIN - A "HONEY" OF A MINI-GOLF GAME
The next day, the trucks pull up to Malibu Castle, a
miniature golf course. Some of them have already figured
that this will be a mini-golf game with some sort of
twist. George greets them again and says, "All you have
to do is play three holes of miniature golf. The one
with the lowest score after three holes wins the
Sounds easy enough,
Oh, yeah... there's one other thing (and John wonders
beforehand what "the catch" is): the players have to
play the holes... while covered with 150,000 bees! The
players will be sprayed with a special pheromone that
will attract the bees to them (while minimizing the
stings). They will then be covered from head to waist
with as many bees as possible and they will REMAINED
covered until they finish all three holes. John HATES
the catch because he has a fear of bugs... but, hey,
this is a good time to get over it.
John's first as George and Chad don beekeeper masks to
keep THEMSELVES safe. The first hole was a struggle,
since the bees were covering his goggles. It's a
relatively simple hole, but it took five strokes to
complete it. The second holes a little bit more
difficult, with a swinging pole right over the hole. As
John started getting stung by 13 bees (hope that, when
they signed up, the guys mentioned they're not
allergic), he sinks it in three strokes. The final hole
is a three-point turn which John uses four shots to
sink. His final score is 11 as he goes into the
clubhouse... and gets the bees sprayed off of him.
The next stinger victim is Rob, whose whole FACE is
practically covered with bees! He gets stung in the
fingertip after the first stroke... but winced through
to get the first hole complete in four shots. The second
takes five big strokes to get it past the swinging pole,
but he STILL had a chance to take the lead if he
two-putted the final hole. His first two shots got him
on the "green",... but he muffed the 12th shot and
closed the book on his chance to win two sacrifices.
Erdolo did NOT look happy to have all the bees on him,
even trying to blow one off his lip. Add to that the
fact that he's no Tiger Woods by ANY stretch... and you
can see where this is headed, right? He DOES sink the
first shot in three, the best first hole round of the
day. The second hole, however, was his undoing. His
first shot was pathetically weak. The second shot -
despite a nasty sting during the swing - went right
against the hole... but the swinging pole knocked it
away. The pole was playing the role of "Patrick Roy"
with Erdolo; every shot he sent towards the hole was
batted away. Finally, after missing the eighth shot of
the hole, he surrendered, since there was no way he
could win. This gave John the victory and the
advancement to the Finals!
SACRIFICE 3: SHAME - THE "SKINS" GAME
It's a bit of a drive for the teams to the entertainment
capital of the U.S., Las Vegas. Why haul themselves to
Sin City? Well, the guys find out exactly why when they
meet George in front of a billboard. George explains
that a lot of boxing matches take place in Vegas... and
the key component in boxing is fancy footwork. Well, the
guys are going to get the chance to show off THEIR
footwork... in front of 700 screaming fans... with...
the Chippendale dancers, a famous group of male
They will be performing in a REAL show in front of 35
score of screaming women (single and otherwise)...
stripping down from the trademark tuxedo worn by the
dancers... all the way down to their necktie and an
itty-bitty "marble-bag" thong bathing suit. After the
performance, 100 of the ladies will toss fake poker
chips into the players' hats. The one that has the most
chips from the girls wins the sacrifice.
They first have to learn HOW to dance like strippers, so
they get some pointers from a real Chippendale dancer
named David on how best to shake their body, rub their
abs and make the ladies DROOL! Afterwards, David says
that John was very cocky but very decent... and that
Erdolo was "up to something" since he laid low and
watched more than participated. No word on how bad Rob
That night, at the Rio, the nerves kicked in as the DJ
of the house egged the "sexually agitated" ladies on.
John is the first to perform... and he's the only
married man of the group. Well, he might be sleeping in
the doghouse (or, at least, Chad's house) because he
worked that crowd like a pro, though most of the
gestures went towards his crotch. He even pulled down
his pants and shook his bare flabby ass at the ladies
before pulling the pants back up and packing it in... so
to speak. Next is Erdolo, who knows he HAS to win this
in order to get into the Finals and get his bro "across
the pond". He has the most-tuned bod of the group and he
uses it to pump the crowd up and dance like nobody's
business. His brother even wonders who the guy is and
what he's done with Erdolo. Lastly comes Rob, completely
shirtless and shaking and dancing like a wild man...
much to his papa's chagrin.
But they're not through. They only TEASED the crowds,
not given them the almost-Full Monty. So all three get
out to take off their pants and shake those things!
Erdolo goes overboard, though, and jumps on top of one
of the giant speakers in the club to do HIS thing. Rob
and John were more cordial and more reserved... but
Erdolo was wiggling like he was naked on an iceberg!
Then it was time for the judging. The women tossed money
into the hats as well as the poker chips (no clue if the
men got to KEEP the money they earned). Rob noticed that
a fair amount of the chips seemed to go into Erdolo's
hat... and he was hoping he was wrong. Afterwards,
George then informs the three poor-excuses-for-strippers
that they're going to count the chips overnight and
leave the men hanging as to who won.
Speaking of "hanging",
he can't stand to see what's hanging on the guys and
URGES them to get their pants on!!
The next day, George meets the players and their
teammates on an airfield back in California where the
Ultimate Sports Fantasy Bar has been erected. George
then has good news and bad news for Erdolo. The BAD NEWS
is... he danced TERRIBLY the other night. The GOOD news
is... he danced better than Rob and John did! 49 of the
100 chips passed out last night went into Erdolo's
hat... and, since it only took 34 to win, Erdolo's hopes
for sending his bro-in-law to England are STILL alive!
FINAL: INSANE - EDDIE RICKEN-SOCCER
Once again, all three have made the Final Stunt. And the
task that can win one of them the sports fantasy of
their loved-one's lifetime is scoring some soccer
goals... from 100 feet up... and from a moving bi-plane!
The players will be strapped to the top wing of a stunt
bi-plane. The plane will be taken up to several hundred
feet and, then, make passes at a regulation soccer
field. A toggle switch will be strapped to the player's
waist, each with three buttons, one for each of three
soccer balls attached to the BOTTOM of the plane. Press
a button and a ball will drop. After all three balls are
released (no matter how many passes it takes), the
player must then unstrap himself and climb into the
cockpit... while the plane is still flying at close to
100 MPH. Whoever scores the most goals will win
John is the first to try this game of aerial football.
He's freaked at first but he swallows his pride and gets
strapped in. He takes off and raises his arms as if
psyched... or giving up, I can't tell. On the first pass
of the field, he drops two balls at once... and they
both sail OVER the net. He claims later that dropping
two was strategy, but it worked against him. The plane
makes another pass and John drops the final ball... and,
again, it sails over the net. He unstraps himself and
gets down into the cockpit, upset at how poorly he's
done. But he still believes in miracles... and knows
that Erdolo cracks under pressure.
Erdolo is next up... literally. He nearly craps in his
pants as the plane takes off... but he does his best to
stay focused as the plane makes its first pass towards
the goal. John and Chad watch carefully, hoping for
three misses so that Chad's dream of hitting with Jeter
and A-Rod stays true. Erdolo drops the first ball and...
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! HIS strategy was to drop balls as
he passed over the OTHER goal net, not at midfield like
John. John and Chad are bummed... and Erdolo becomes
more confident. He becomes SO confident, in fact, that
he nets the OTHER two balls as well! Ersno joins his
brother when he touches down...and go into a really
weird victory dance.
It's all down to Rob, now. If he's going to have a
chance to get he and his dad onto the Wrigley Field
outfield to toss the horsehide around with other
Cubbies, he needs to net all three balls and force a
tie. He's nervous about the turns the plane is going to
make but thinks that, after the first one, he'll be all
right. The wind starts to kick up a bit as the plane
takes off and swings by the nets. Lord knows WHAT was
going through Rob's head as he passed the field,... but
he drops ALL THREE BALLS on that one pass... and only
ONE went in! Once again, a person flubs the two PAIN
sacrifices, makes good in the SHAME and then wins the
INSANE to get a dream for someone else! Rob, Sr. is
proud enough of Rob, Jr... and that just makes Rob
teary-eyed. But, just like most Cubs seasons, they'll
have to "wait till next year".
PRIZE: Ersno Eromo will be flown over to London,
England, then travel to Liverpool where he will practice
with the English Premiere League's team there... then
sit back in a front row seat with a custom red jersey of
the team and relax to WATCH Liverpool face a rival
Premiere League team for 90 minutes of action.
Wait a second... RELAX?! At a European soccer match?!?
He better have a Kevlar vest and a six-pack of tear gas
to get ready for this!