Episode 1 - September 28
OK, here's a formula. Take "Fear Factor"... add one
more ridiculous stunt to the regular set of three...
slice the number of contestants in half... make it so
said contestants are playing for someone else...
exchange cash for a sports-related fantasy... put it on
ESPN... and throw in the former host of the syndicated
"Weakest Link", George Gray. Put it in a blender set at
"puree" and... voila! You get ESPN's latest attempt at a
reality series: "I'd Do Anything"!
Here's how it works: three brave (or maybe just a bit
stupid) people will compete in three stunts (called
"Sacrifices") that deal with PAIN and SHAME. Whoever
survives and wins any "sacrifice" will go to the INSANE
Final Stunt. The winner of the Final will have his
relative/friend/acquaintance able to partake in the
sports-related fantasy of his/her dreams. In other
words, they are teams of two: one does most or all the
work, the other gets all the rewards.
That seems fair, right?
The contesti for the first edition are as follows:
WAYNE BYRD II
Age: 27
From: Los Angeles, CA
Profession: Film maker
Playing for: Lal Knight
Relation: Friend
Dream: Tryout for NFL scouts (currently playing for CFL)
HEATH CRAWFORD
Age: 32
From: Los Angeles, CA
Profession: Photographer
Playing for: Dylan Crawford
Relation: 11-year-old Son
Dream: Day at New Orleans Saints' Training Camp
PAUL ZANDER
Age: 24
From: Youngstown, OH
Profession: Writer, auto technician
Playing for: Bobby Scott
Relation: Friend
Dream: Playing in the World Series of Poker
(Oh, BTW, just like in "Fear Factor", ESPN wants to
cover their asses. So they let you know that these
stunts are put together and overseen by "trained
professionals" [whatever THAT means]. So if you think
you can climb along the side of a car of a speeding
train, DON'T! But I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't
I?)
SACRIFICE 1: PAIN - BASKET-"BULL": As the "teams"
arrive in their Ford F-150s, George welcomes them to the
first "sacrifice", which starts off with a explanation
that "playing basketball with the Bulls" was EVERYBODY's
dream back in the 90s. Well, the contestants will get
that chance... except that Michael Jordan and Scottie
Pippen have nothing to do with it. The "Bulls" in
question are REAL bulls, blunted horns and everything!
The task is simple enough: each person must grab the two
basketballs from the bull's back and make two baskets in
the small court, one in each end. The one who does this
in the fastest time wins the "sacrifice" and advances to
the Final.
Heath is up first... and Dylan is quite concerned about
his dad having to face a bull. But Heath is OK with it
and gets into his protective gear. The bull comes
charging out of the chute and the clock starts. Heath
does his best to stay behind him where those blunted
horns won't scrape his armor. It takes over a
minute-and-a-third, but he manages to snag one bal off
the bull's back and make a lay-up. Once he gets the
confidence boost, he snags the second ball and, while
the bull stands around wondering what the hell's going
on, lays up the second shot in a time of 1:35.03.
Paul is the next victim... and he claims to be "98%
nervous and 2% scared". He tells Bobby that, should win
this and Bobby loses at the WSoP, he's "not my friend
anymore". Bobby replies, "Deal." Paul's bull is a real
mean one, comparatively... and it goes right AFTER Paul.
The guy gets pushed and shoved by the horns over and
over again as the "referees" do their best to keep the
damage to a minimum. Paul perseveres, though, and grabs
a ball and sinks it in 25 seconds. The second ball,
however, takes some time. Paul tries to stare down the
bull, push him aside and grab the second ball, but it's
difficult. When he finally DOES tear it away, he throws
the ball away accidentally. The refs throw him another
ball but, as he attempts a lay-up, the bull RAMS him
into the padded wall. He's bleeding, he's gasping, he's
hurting... but he has enough presence of mind to sink
the shot... though his time is 1:42.19. A trained
matador who helped with
the event says that Paul should've fought the bull
mentally, not physically. Paul is put in an ambulance
and hauled away.
Needless to say, this puts a LOT of nervousness into
Wayne's being... but he knows what NOT to do, anyway. He
gets suited up and he and Lal do a bit of "Gladiator"
talk. Lal says that Wayne's bull wasn't frisky at all
and, thus, Wayne should "have his way with it". But the
bull wasn't that "sedated" when it came out of the
chute. It was kicking and jumping... and Wayne was
running and hiding behind the bales of hay in "center
court". He actually gets butted by the bull hard... but
he gets back up and continues. He tries to get on TOP of
the bales and JUMP on the bull to get the balls, but
he's unsuccessful. When Wayne hears the call of "one
minute, thirty seconds", he knows that he has lost and
quits the "sacrifice" to keep from getting hurt more.
This makes Heath the winner and advances him to the
Final!
Later, at the nearby hospital, Bobby visits Paul, who
has several tubes hanging out of him. Paul learns about
Wayne's surrender... and can't believe it! The worst
Paul suffered was a torn lip and a few bruises. He'll be
held overnight for observation, but he should be back in
action for...
SACRIFICE 2: PAIN - ENDLESS VICTORY CELEBRATION:
Paul is welcomed back from the hospital by George as the
three battered and bruised contesti march onto a
football field. George explains that one of the
best-known celebrations for winning a football game is
to dump the water cooler or Gatorade(TM) dispensor on
top of the coach, drenching him completely. Well, it's
time for these selfless bas***ds to feel what it's
like... in SPADES!
The three must sit down on a bench while gallons upon
gallons of ice water continuously gets dumped on their
heads. The object is simple: be the last man sitting.
The last to stand up and out of the cold shower wins and
advances to the Final.
The threesome strip down to a T-shirt, shorts and a neck
towel and get "in position"... which means sitting on
the long bench with their feet in ice water. At the
whistle, the celebration begins. Three real football
players start dumping water from Gatorade(TM) coolers
into a troth of ice, the water spewing out of three
spouts directly onto the contestants' heads. The main
problem the guys are having is shivering and gasping
while water continuously filled their mouths and noses
with each breath. Wayne even plugs his nose. Paul just
can't take it, though; he stands up a mere 30 seconds
in. He compares to what Leonardo DiCaprio felt in
"Titanic"... except that, unlike Leo's character, Paul
let go.
Wayne and Heath, however, hang in there. It's painful
and numbing, but they surpass two minutes. Heath tells
Wayne that he's "no going anywhere" as Wayne tries to
shut him out. As they pass four minutes, Lal tries to
trick Heath by telling him "your kid wants you, man".
But Heath stays put, which is what Dylan REALLY wants.
Finally, after 5 minutes and 12 seconds, Heath throws in
the towel and stands up. Wayne has won and will join
Heath in the Final... just as soon as Wayne is convinced
that he HAS won and can get up. Both he and Heath get
heavy towels wrapped around them as they shiver to get
their body temperatures back above 90 degrees. Wayne
can't lift his hands up from his "lap"... and Heath is
shaking like a tabby in a dog pound as George tries to
help warm his arms. Dylan is proud of him, even though
he lost.
SACRIFICE 3: SHAME - THE WEDDING SINGERS: This
time, the warmed-up threesome end up on a balcony
overlooking a beach, each carrying a bag. George is
dressed to the nines and is smiling widely (which is
NEVER a good sign). George explains that music is a big
part of sports these days, with all the rock anthems
like "We Will Rock You" and "Rock & Roll, Part 2"
cranked up in stadiums nationwide to rally the fans.
That's what THEY have to do: rally a group of people.
But... not at a sporting event. They have to do it... at
a wedding reception!
Each contestant must make up a song to sing at an actual
wedding reception for an actual newly-wedded couple:
Eric and Tabitha Thomas. The catch is they have to
incorporate their partner's fantasy into the lyrics of
the song along WITH Eric and Tabitha's names. Each will
don a powder blue tuxedo (provided in the bags) and sing
the song to the couple and 100 guests. The couple will
decide who did the best job. That person will advance to
the Final.
Oh, and one other thing: should Paul not win this final
"sacrifice", he's eliminated!
They're given a few hours to work on the song and their
partners can help if they can. Lal turns out to be a
great help to Wayne when it comes to romantic lyrics.
Paul and Bobby have a hard time putting the music with
the right words... especially when Bobby starts
incorporating rap words into it. Dylan, however, wasn't
much help to Heath (the kid's 11; he hasn't yet figured
out that fish stink and girls don't) but he's thinking
about it... though he's drawing blanks right now.
One hour before "showtime", the men meet at the pier
reception hall and don their butt-ugly tuxes. Well,...
everyone but Heath. He has all but given up on trying to
write a song since "music wasn't his thing". He decides
to bow out, since he's ALREADY in the Final. The
question is: will giving Paul a 1-in-2 chance instead of
a 1-in-3 chance at making the Final cost Heath the
chance to send his son to Saints' camp?
As the happy couple enters the hall, Paul and Wayne
enter to perform... and only THEN do they start to get
nervous. Paul is first... and his song, called "Love Is
a Gamble", is funny, fairly off-key... and strangely
romantic, for some reason. Wayne, on the other hip, did
some good lyrics... but screwed up in reading the lyric
sheet with his song incorporating love and football. The
couple was actually hiding their faces... though whether
to hide the laughter out of respect or out of
embarrassment is anybody's guess. I'm sure the newlyweds
have vowed NEVER to rent singers from "ESPN Original
Entertainment" or Disney ever again.
Later that night, in an empty ravine, the three Fords
arrive at the Ultimate Sports Fantasy Bar... and George
has a commemorative wedding album which contains the
picture of the winning singer. Since Paul's livelihood
is on the line, George asks HIM to open it and see who
won.
And the winner
is...PAUL! That means ALL THREE are going to the Final!
Paul is PSYCHED that he actually did better than Wayne!
He overcame many obstacles to have a chance for his
buddy to blow ESPN's money playing poker!
FINAL: INSANE - FOOTBALL "TRAIN"ING CAMP: All
three have made it to the Final, and George is waiting
for them in the middle of nowhere. He explains that most
sports fans DREAM of going to an NFL training camp just
once in their lives. The contestants now have a chance
to do some do a football training camp... with an
emphasis on "train"... as in the large locomotive
heading towards them with various obstacles on it.
Each player starts in a boxcar and climbs along the side
of the first two cars while hanging on tires latched to
the side. He then must heft himself up to the top of the
car and dive off onto a flat car below. He then must run
through a ropes course and a set of tackling dummies,
push two blocking sleds - a two-man sled and a one-man
sled - five yards each and then climb up a rope cargo
net and do a ten-yard belly crawl under another net
before hitting a button at the end. And he must do all
this while the train is moving at close to 20 MPH. The
one who hits the button in the fastest time wins the
Final!
Heath is first to go. His only concern is the tires,
since he's not sure how he's going to get past them
without falling off. But he's certain he'll reign
supreme and get Dylan to the training camp. The train
starts to roll... and George yells, "GO!" Heath is swift
across the tires and makes it to the flat car in 47
seconds. He has no problems with the ropes course and
dummies... but a LITTLE problem with the sleds and net.
With his son at the finish line with George to cheer him
on, he crawls as fast as possible (though his camera
pack gets caught in the ropes) and strikes the button in
a time of 1:33.55. Heath's comfortable with the time...
and George tries to get Dylan psyched for the Saints.
But there are still two men left.
One of them is Wayne, who readies himself to climb, push
and crawl his way towards getting Lal an NFL tryout.
Wayne gets "in his zone" and, when the clock starts,
he's out of the car like a shot. He gets to the second
car of tires... but then gets hung up on them. He
manages to work his way up the car and hits the flat car
in 54 seconds. He makes up time on the sleds, though, as
well as the net. But he only has 6 seconds to make it
through the crawl. With Lal shouting loudly at him,
Wayne works the crawl like a pro and SLAMS the button.
The time: 1:33.45! He has beaten Heath by one-tenth of a
second!! Needless to say, Heath is bummed about this...
but Dylan, though a bit bummed himself, is still proud
of his father.
It's all up to Paul now. He got a busted lip from a bull
and couldn't stand more than 30 seconds in ice water,
but he sang his ass off to make it here and, now, he's
hoping to have the energy to send his buddy to the
Horseshoe Casino in Vegas. He has absolutely no problem
with the tires... but he slows down climbing up and he
gets to the flat car in 43.5 seconds, the fastest split
time yet. Through the ropes and sleds, he's up to one
minute. He likewise has trouble with the cargo net, but
he's up it and into the belly crawl with time to spare.
He strikes the button with a time of 1:30.03! He has won
the Finals and he has won the prize for his friend
Bobby!
PRIZE: Bobby Scott will be flown first class to
Las Vegas, Nevada, be put up in a penthouse suite and be
given $10,000 to compete in the Main Event of the World
Series of Poker. The rest... is up to him!
Don't worry if you suck-out in the first hour, Bobby. As
long as the ESPN cameras aren't on you, what happens in
Vegas STAYS in Vegas! |
