"Shoot First, Ask
Questions Later" - August 22
Jim was left in Allentown after the firm liberal
alliance voted to keep Malia in the race (with a little
help from swing vote Joyce), leaving Park as the only
conservative in the running. Keith got some needed
campaign help for the second week in a row, but will it
be enough as the race for the faux White House heads to
Keith and Richard begin
today's ride down I-95 by arguing that the Constitution
(most specifically, the Second Amendment) was designed
to protect America from itself. Keith, being on the
opposite end of the spectrum as Richard, asks him if the
right to bear arms gives him the right to own nukes and
stinger missiles. Richard says that it was important to
understand the intent of the founding fathers, to which
Keith rebuts, "The intent of our founding fathers was
that I be a slave!"
Montel steps in before he
has to call out his security folks from out of hiding on
his other show: "You'd be better off saving those
debating skills for our next challenge." Today, that
would be a town meeting, where we'll get questions
answered at UVA. Montel offers the aid of Republican
strategist Rich Bond to whoever polls highest on the
exit poll this week. "People want to like you, so don't
underestimate the like factor. Little sharps elbows
would be appreciated, create some political space, and
after you divide the audience, reunite them."
Time for talking, as the
candidates get grilled by the audience, Montel, and
professor Larry J. Sabato. First question is a biggie on
the death penalty: Should we kill Osama bin Laden? Malia
notes that an eye for an eye makes the world blind.
Richard likens bin Laden to Hitler, supporting capital
punishment. Keith thinks that America should stand for
the rule of law. Richard goes after him and says that
capital punishment is biblical and allowable in extreme
cases. Biblical, you say. Show me. Bruce's rebuttal: "I
think many Jews and all Roman Catholics would contest
the idea that it's biblically sound to say that killing
is an appropriate response to killing."
From there, we go to
same-sex marriage. Enter Park with this denial and Lisa
with her acceptance and Joyce's laissez-faire-ness. Best
line comes from Richard: "I still don't know why in the
heck I had to ask permission from government to get
married." This coming from a man coming from a place
where it's okay to have several wives.
On gun control: Keith
thinks that the NRA should be left out of lobbying for
looser laws, while Richard thinks that dictators had
stringent gun control, citing Dred Scott. Malia, on the
other hand, brings out her big gun, a friend who is
lying in a hospital now because he wore a Yankees hat to
a Sox game. Big mistake, I know, but warranting a gun
action. Park is not sure that we should have a
"color-blind" society. He thinks that there should be a
"sunset" to the idea, as does Richard, who says that the
answer to discrimination is not more discrimination.
Keith, on the other hand, thinks that we should finish
what we started.
And with that, we finish
what we started, as Lisa notes that the alliance had a
strong showing. Too bad we can't say the same for
Richard. Bringing us to today's wireless poll: Do you
support's Richard's stance on gun control? Answers later
in the broadcast.
And now, the evals: Rich
thinks Malia needs more facts to supplement her
emotions. Lisa plays off everyone well. Richard may have
lost ground with the polygamy argument and the gun
issue. Keith also benefited on the affirmative action
topic... So much so that he gets another exit-poll win
and the exclusive use of Mr. Bond for the rest of the
time in VA. Richard is scratching his head, while Keith
has some loyalty issues. Mr. Bond worked with Bush in
'88, while Keith worked with Dukakis.
Now we go to public
vote. Unlike last week, there are paper ballots. Simple
premise: circle the name of the person you like most.
There are two placed to do that, one at a local
pedestrian mall, and one at the UVA campus. The highest
poll-getter in six hours is the new frontrunner. The two
lowest poll-getters will debate, and one of them will
drop out of the race. "The polls are now open. Get out
Bruce thinks he has this
one locked. "PETA and all my friends are a few hours
from here. I don't know if it's an unfair advantage, but
it is an advantage."
Lisa thinks she isn't
ready, while Keith and Team Boykin, now equipped with
Rich Bond, get ready. "Time is our enemy, and for the
next hour and a half, information is your friend." They
hit the mall for the outdoor restaurants. Lisa, Malia,
and Park follow suit, with Park seeing the battle as an
uphill climb. "We're in a college town, which is not the
friendliest place for my conservative views."
Bruce recruits his own
coalition of the willing as they start spreading the
news. On the other hand, Park is an army of one. And in
a college town like Charlottesville, birthplace of the
Dave Matthews Band... rightly so. Lisa's also an army of
one, but her opinions gel with the populace. Richard
finds someone he hope he wouldn't find... someone who
agrees with the war in Iraq.
Keith thinks it's time
to have new leadership in America. "Diversity of our
country is our greatest trend." Keith's view on Iraq is
more sellable, even to Rich, who is pulling ideological
differences aside to help out, because "a deal's a
During the day, the
candidates bump into each other more than once. Bruce
heads back to the war room while his PETA minions
(C-Note: because everyone should have a small army of
minions) do the dirty work. To Keith, a bit TOO dirty,
as one of Bruce's takes no regard to the gentleman's
rule of not encroaching on other people's territory.
Hey, we said they were willing. We didn't say they
weren't annoying. I mean, "Don't vote for Lisa, vote for
Bruce?" Whatever happened to... aww, forget it, Chico.
Well, whatever it is I
was searching for, Lisa was searching for it as well, as
she phones up Bruce to tell him, basically, you need to
call off your dogs... and stop your (^_^). "One or two
times, it happens, but if it continues, that's exactly
what people don't like about politics." Once again, Lisa
manages to hit it squaw between the eyes.
And if Bruce wasn't bad
enough, Lisa manages to walk one of her voters right
behind Malia... who really knows how to chat up a guy.
Lisa calls bull on that, and folks, this is why they
have the signs that say "No campaigning beyond this
point." RJ Cutler... Smart man. Should've thought of
Team Boykin says that
too many cooks are spoiling the broth at Central, so
they head back to UVA with five hours left. While
Richard dialogues on Cuba (his argument: I speak
Spanish. I speak Spanish too, but you don't see me
playing that as a card). Park thinks that when James and
him showed up in Charlottesville, they doubled the
membership of the Republican Party. Only one problem...
See if you can figure it out before Park does.
Meanwhile, he heads over to his brother's friend's place
to drum up support there. So now Park has his little
army of minions in God... or at least in conservatism.
Four hours left, and
Joyce is, once again, scrambling to veterans' hospitals
and rest homes and such. She lost an hour at her meeting
at a free clinic, which may help or hurt her, but it's
her choice. VERY hard not to admire Joyce.
Team Boykin returns to
UVA... and a welcome crowd. Park also has a welcome
crowd... behind him... heading for the University and
sending Keith into dire-straits mode. Well, they say
that politics makes for strange bedfellows, and it
doesn't get any stranger than this, as Park and Keith
play the whole crossfire campaigning game.
And if those two weren't
enough, Malia is now headed to the University to grab a
tour group. Keith spots the same group, and all of a
sudden, it's a race! An amazing race! Well, not THAT
amazing, but interesting. Keith gets to the group first,
with Malia's entourage of two following. And this is
where the progressive coalition starts to fall flat.
One hour left, and
Joyce... is not running for nothing. She runs into a
whole mess of people - who had already voted. So close.
And we see a sign saying "dead end"... You know what we
say to that sort of thing... SYM-bolism.
Twelve minutes to go,
and it's a countdown to the bitter end... And speaking
of which, it's now 4pm. Polling ends. Bruce: "Thanks,
officer!" Bruce will be very surprised if he didn't come
in first. Meanwhile Rich notes that Keith must now
concentrate on the toughest competition. If he can do
that, then he will gain power over the public domain,
something that, as a Republican, Rich will regret. "I am
proud to have him as a friend. This is a diverse
country, and we need people like him in Congress or in
the Senate, OR someday as President."
Happy hour time, which
means it's also time for the dreaded results. Dreaded
especially for Park: "I'm expecting a debate tomorrow.
And then you guys will see the last of me." Will we? We
hear the results of the tighest fight yet...
2nd - Keith (23%)
3rd - Bruce (20%) - Surprised?!
4th - Malia (10%)
5th - Park (8%) - "Holy Moses! By the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,
we made it out of Virginia."
That leaves Joyce, Lisa,
and Richard, two of which will debate tomorrow. It won't
be Lisa, who scores 25 percent. She's the new
frontrunner, while Joyce (6%) and Richard (7%) must now
play politics, hardcore. Hard decisions all round, as
Richard and Joyce both share the same libertarian views.
In fact, the only striking difference between the two...
well, is pretty obvious if you think about it.
Before we debate,
though, here are the results of the wireless poll: 64
percent of you disagree with Richard on gun control.
We're an hour from
debate. Joyce is determined to hold on. Richard's
message: "The principles of freedom that this country
was founded upon have to be preserved today or else
we'll kill America. If this is my last day to be here,
then I'm going to give that message today."
Time to debate. From a
strategic view, Richard would be a better keep if only
to draw Park into elimination. Richard says that Joyce
gets too much into conspiracy theories. Well, it's not
conspiracy theory if she brought documented evidence,
now is it? Think you just might've bought it, dude,
especially with the lack of background checks and
waiting periods on guns on his agenda. Other than that,
it's pretty much a copycat debate until Joyce tells
Richard that he's "rigid". His rebuttal: "I'm going to
fight for your beliefs, even though I disagree." Thank
you, Voltaire. Let's go to vote.
Lisa: "I think Richard's
positions are so far from where I'm at, so I'm going to
have to vote for JOYCE."
Keith: "In the end, the death penalty's a big issue for
me, so I'm going to vote for JOYCE."
Park: "I saw more consistency for JOYCE's position."
That's three. That's
enough. Just so you know, it was a five-and-out
decision. Richard, time to hit the road. "At the end of
the day, I looked Keith in the eye and said 'I'll fight
and die for your rights.' Funny, isn't it? He still
voted against me." So Richard's gone, but don't think
that Park is out of the woods yet.
Next time, the
candidates take a bite out of the Big Apple... and the
Apple bites back. Hopefully, I'll get into the mind of
the average New York voter with the closest thing we
have... a New Yorker from Jersey.