Conference" - August 15
I was going to make a Billy Joel reference here, but I
did that last week, so I will just say that last week,
Keith and Lisa ran the board on their bids for American
Candidate, while Bob was shot in the foot and ousted on
a 7-0 bender. Who had the gun in his hand? Bob Vanech.
Now the campaign leaves the quiet political majesty of
Keene, NH, and heads to Allentown, PA.
First stop: press
conference. Topics: Jobs & the Economy. Montel warns the
candidates to get ready for some tough questions. Here
to help is Tony Fabrizio, a chief Republican strategist
and a political analyst to all the major news networks,
who will offer that in order to increase the
effectiveness of your message, you need to say something
provocative. He will also offer his services to whoever
scores highest on today's exit poll.
Now to the press
conference, which Joyce likens to a barbecue pit. "We
could be grilled, all of us." Seemed like Lisa was
getting some lightning, but Joyce came in with the
thunder, calling for the repeal of NAFTA and GAP.
Richard agrees that business is better left to local
authority, not federal mishandling, to which Park
replies, "Laissez-faire economics don't work."
Meanwhile, a reporter
gives Joyce more sparks to turn into provocative fire.
Looks like we may have a serious frontrunner for Mr.
Fabrizio's services, although Lisa thinks that the way
she put herself forward, singling out China, were really
offensive. "Let her talk more and let the people decide
if that's the kind of leadership they want."
Tony nods in approval as
Keith, the only openly gay candidate in attendance (if
you remember, Chrissy was voted off on episode 1),
fields a question from a likewise reporter in the crowd.
Park rebuts with his usual "love the sinner, hate the
sin" demeanor, which gives Tony the shakes... of his
head. Something tells me that that will either be Park's
saving grace or his coup de grace. And James
(Park's CM) agrees with me. Park's rebuttal: "What do
you have to do with Anne Heche? What do you do?"
What DO you DO? Next, an
excerpt from a local newscast. Park gets support from at
least one guy... who doesn't even agree with him. Keith
gets support from the GL community of Allentown, while
Joyce drums up the working crowd.
Meanwhile, we get this
crawl: Do you agree with Park that homosexuality is a
"lifestyle choice"? Text "Y" or "N" to SHOTV (74688). In
the immortal words of Ryan Seacrest, "standard text
message rates apply".
Tony was pleasantly
surprised by the effort of our candidates. But then he
jumps on Park for changing the subject "of his own
volition". He warns him not to fight battles that don't
benefit you but benefit your opponent. He praises Joyce
for her message, but docks her points on delivery. "If
you would've done that and you were really running for
President, you would've been pelted by egg rolls. You
sounded like a borderline racist." Of Malia's wardrobe
choices? "You need to dress more like a candidate." Of
Tony's suggestion: "That's bulls(^_^)!"
Now, the next exit poll
result gives Tony to... Keith with 46 percent. Surprise
surprise. Now we go to public vote. As with last week,
each candidate is given a phone number. Each candidate
has until 4pm local time to get others to dial it. The
highest poll-getter is the new frontrunner. The two
lowest poll-getters will debate, and one of them will
drop out of the race. And, in case you didn't know this,
Pennsylvania is larger than Keene, so none of this
retail crap. We're talking TV, radio, newspapers,
whatever you have to do.
Polls are now open.
"Boy, it's getting hot in here," Richard says. You said
it, bro. Tony takes Team Boykin upstairs and drops a
hard lesson: "You need to play the strongest card you
have." That would be the card he played at the press
conference. That would be the gay black man card... IN
Next idea: radio.
There's one rock station, WZZO "The Valley's Rock
Station", and WAEB, what Lisa calls "a conservative talk
radio station." Lisa calls up ZZO.. and scores with
station manager Tori for 8:30. Jim tries the talk radio
host Gunther and immediately gets the question that is
pretty much the hardest to answer to a talk jock: "Why
should I have you on my show?". He said he'd think about
it. Meanwhile Tori needs to find "the exact opposite of
Lisa". And she does... in Joyce. Meanwhile Gunther gets
Park on the air.
Malia avoids the radio
scene altogether, sticking to her grassroots... roots.
Tonight, she hits the hip-hop clubs with Keith. "And I'm
NOT going to look very presidential!" Maybe a
presidential daughter... Keith thinks that Malia got
more votes that night, because if you have a choice
between a man and an attractive woman, you'd vote for,
of course, the attractive woman.
Next morning, it's the
radio shows. But first, Keith makes up for a
less-than-stellar showing in the clubs last night by
running to Philadelphia. Malia follows suit to go to
union meetings. But for now, back to the radio, where
Park, Bruce, and Richard square off on talk radio.
Bruce... Dead man walking.. or clucking as the case may
be as he brings up the Animal Welfare Act. Here's
another statistic... the wireless poll results: 30
percent say that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.
Back to the game, as Park gets Gunther's favor,
promising that the number will be repeated on air over
and over again until it charts #38 on the R&R Top 40.
Not only that, Park also gets a record deal that will
extend his reach to "Harrisburg and points west and
Jim on the other hand,
is in the shopping centers trying to get his word out.
Trying being the operative word, of course.
Seven hours to go, and
Joyce and Lisa are on Bearman and Keith over at ZZO.
Joyce rides her high (somewhat unsuccessfully, knowing
the Bearman, but she recovers), and it seems like Lisa
wants to ride it with her. "Don't me too everything that
you find that works for me," Joyce complains. One thing
Lisa has that Joyce doesn't? Short skirt legs. No
Six hours to go, and
Keith is still on the road to the Illadelph. The camp
begins to think that this is a useless trip. Malia has
the same traffic woes, but she decides to turn around.
Meanwhile back in Allentown, Lisa gets screen time on
channel 69, which she has no problem with. Bruce, on the
other hand, had a news camera on their tails, when they
capture anotehr guy saying "Drop a bomb, lay a parking
lot." Kayla (Bruce's CM) does her part by dressing
scantily and letting people look at her cleaves as long
as they vote for Bruce.
Keith FINALLY makes it
to Philly... and now only has one hour to do some
damage. He decides to make up two flyers: one for the
blacks and one for the gays. Unfortunately, due to a
mix-up, Keith hands out the black flyers to the gays and
vice versa. Potential beatdown, I think.
Three minutes left...
and we're done. Richard's cry: "I will NOT BE
ELIMINATED!" That's the spirit, now take your ass back
to the War Room. Bruce says that he'll be surprised if
Park and Lisa are not the top two. Well we have the
results right here...
Second: Park and Lisa
(tied, 18% each) - Park is surprised. Pleasantly or
not... God only knows.
Fourth: Joyce (14%)
Fifth: Keith (9%) - he learns that you can't just talk
to blacks, you can't just talk to gays, you have to talk
Sixth: Richard (7%)
Malia (4%) and Jim (3%)
face elimination, while Bruce, with 24 percent of the
vote, is your new frontrunner. Needless to say, the
three get ready for the next day's elimination debate.
Jim sees this as the only time he can come straight at
the "liberal guys". He does this with car talk.
Meanwhile Joyce doesn't want anyone to come at her
trying to sway her vote. Too bad for both candidates.
"This one is going to be decided at the debate, for
So it's the liberal of
the liberal versus the conservative of the conservative.
It's the stuff that the 60s are made of. My take: if it
comes down to a tie, Malia may have a slight upperhand
with Bruce being the frontrunner. Joyce will definitely
be a swing.
Malia's CM tells her to
go slower, while Jim tries to get pumped while going
over past tapes. Malia needs to look more like a
president today, Tony suggested, so... she tries... She
doesn't like it, but she tries.
The debate: Jim believes
in a new patriotism for a new century, and he will fight
for "politics we can be proud of". Malia wants to make
democracy accessible for all. She doesn't agree with
Jim's values, and she's not above saying that
Republicans are puppets for big business. Jim doesn't
agree with her values. Bruce asks where the two place
animals. Malia says she agrees with him. Jim still needs
to learn, and has no problems admitting so. Bruce asks
Jim how he would get the 50 percent who didn't vote in
2000 to the polls. He supports initiatives on the state
level, while Malia suggests to repeal voter
disenfranchisement laws. Overall, it's your standard
far-lefty vs. far-righty cut-and-paste debate, and it
hasn't swayed me as a voter in any one direction. Time
Bruce: "Jim, you're one
of the most optimistic guys I've ever met, but I'm
really worried about your politics." (MALIA)
Richard: "JIM, you are the best candidate in this
Park: "I think JIM's ideas are best for the country."
Keith: "MALIA, you know I got your back."
The next two votes worry
me, Lisa the rival and Joyce the swing.
Lisa: "MALIA and I share
the same vision, and I'm very proud of my decision."
Joyce's vote is not
recorded. But we do have a result. The rules state that
Bruce breaks any and all ties as frontrunner... but
there was no tie this time. The vote is 4 to 2 in favor
of Malia, and Jim is off the ballot.
Malia's going to look
and sound more presidential in the coming weeks. This
she promises. It would've make a wider margin, as
Richard says that Malia would've gotten his vote were it
not for her tongue ring. In the end, Joyce sees past the
tongue ring and sees to her heart. That's why she got
her vote. As for Park, the sole conservative in the
race, "I've got a target the size of Texas on me."
Jim says he's given it
110 percent. "I'll be back because I want to see our
leaders meet the high standards of our everyday heroes
who make this country work." Well put.
Next time, we head to
Virginia, where candidates must get votes the old
fashioned way. None of this two-way, text message, cell
phone bull. We're talking little slips of paper with
your name on it, and you want as much of those as you
can get your grubby little hands on.
And again, because this
is the first time we have the blurb on screen, if you
want to learn more about the candidates, log on to
americancandidate.com. See you soon!