National Lampoon's GREEK GAMES
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It ain't your father's Olympics as four fake fraternities and sororities fight for a shot at a real trip to the Greek island of Mykonos.

Recaps by Gordon Pepper, GSNN


FACT FILE:
Host:
George Gray
Commentators:
Petros Papadakis, Daphne Brogdon
EP: Mark Cronin, James Rowley
Packager: Mindless Entertainment, National Lampoon Productions, GSN Originals
Airs: Tuesdays at 11:00pm ET on GSN


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Episode 1 - July 13

Here's the good news - we have the Greek Games, which has the potential to be Knockout, or at least Almost Anything Goes or MXC. The bad news - it's being run by GSN, which means that it will probably be more like last year's pale imitation of Battle of the Network Stars. The good news - we have George Gray, the very funny guy who did The Weakest Link for syndication and was the only reason why Todd TV was worth watching. The bad news - the last time we saw Mr. Gray on GSN, we got Extreme Gong. We'll see if we get a hit or a gong as we watch the show...

We start with George, who says that this is the 182nd version of the Greek Games. Uhhh.... ok. He also says that four fraternities and four sororities will be competing in 'very extreme, borderline illegal, quasi-athletic events'. The grand prize - a trip to the very real island of Mykonos! Well, it beats a set of Greek letter jackets, doesn't it?

Lets see the teams...

Team #1 - The jocks of Delta Omega Gamma - They are the Delta Dogs. "'Balco, baby, Balco."

Team #2 -The nerds of Zeta Tau - or The Zits. I actually know some real people from the real Zeta Tau fraternity, and if they saw that these jokers were representing their fraternity, they'd clobber them.

Team #3 - Alpha Sigma Sigma - the preps on the campus who call themselves the Alpha Males. If you take the Acronyms from their name, you would think that some of the National Lampoonites may have had problems with preppy people in their childhood days. Let it out, man, let it all out.

Team #4 - This team from Nu Sigma Tau are in camouflage togas, and they call themselves the Nasty Boys. We then get images of them lifting up their togas and showing us their loincloths. That's pretty nasty.

and the chic... I mean Sororities.

Team #1 - Kappa Upsilon Tau - The Kuties

Team #2 - The Foreign Exchange Girls of Iota Nu Gamma, or the Ingas. They must come from Sweden. Inga says good, ya, ya, ya.

Team #3 - The Hotties from Beta Chi Moo are called the Buxoms, They certainly are - down to the loincloths and Madonna-like cones sticking out of the top part.

Team #4 - The Gamma Omega Thetas have decided to punk out for us. They call themselves The Goths as they stick their middle fingers out for the cameras. They must be doing mixers with the Nasty Boys.

Let's see...

1. I'm guessing that none of these Frats/Sororities are real.
2. 75% can probably be found in imdb.com in the acting department.
3. If you're going to do that, then just rename the show Anything Goes or Knockout and call it what it is, instead of having to fake your way through it.
4. George calls them the finest of college men and women ever to be assembled in college athletics. If that's the case, then Ken Jennings worked part-time as a sewer contractor.

Mina Dukakis, who is there to light up the 'Olympic cheese', is being described (as she walks out in a skimpy USA bikini and a minotaur head on) as half bull, half woman. So far, this show is all bull. What was I thinking when I decided to recap this show, Chico?
(C-Note: Dude, you were so wasted that night...)

We get Dr Pluto Hopponpopolis to give the opening speech, who likes Mina's horns. He's happy that there is a global audience that loves Mindless Entertainment (which I am guessing, produces this series). This is indeed looking pretty mindless so far.

We start with the reclining chair-iot race, and even George is cringing as he says it. Petros Papadakis explains that three of the guys will be dragging the fourth person around a track three times. The fastest time wins. Immediately, the Alpha Males wreck their chariot, and they knock themselves out. The Nasty Boys are knocked out next. The Zits don't get knocked out, but they can't outrace the Doggies, who finish in first.

We get a profile on Fatticus, who is full of tattoos and who shows everyone his fat rear end as he his wearing a shoestring g-string. He does his best naked cowboy impression and that's all I can stand in this profile. Imagine the naked cowboy at 280 pounds and flabby and you'd want to change the channel, too.

It's the women's turn to play - and Daphne Brogdon talks about musical innertubes. This is played like musical chairs in the water. Enough said. A set of inner tubes are in the water and when the music stops, you have to get into a tube - by any means necessary. Any means includes licking, as the bad girls lick the cuties out of the first round. Round 2 starts - and the Inga's trunks fall off. The Goth chick continues to choke the Buxom out and the Buxom is eliminated. '"There's nothing in the rule saying that you can't hammerlock someone." Well, I guess... In the finals, we have a cat fight, but no one gets their butt in the tube in the 60 seconds required, so we get a tie. 

After a brief explanation of the Grand Prize, and a meaningless pre-activity segment, we get an even more meaningless pizza relay. This is a co-ed event, with the teams eating pizza as they run. This ought to be a million laughs - or a million barf bags. Your co-ed teams - Dogs/Kuties, Alpha Males/Buxoms, Zits/Ingas, and Nasty Boys/Goth Chicks. Each team gets the same amount of points.

The Zits take the early lead - but the Kutie team takes it over in the second leg. The Nasty Boys take control after the third leg and they hold on to the win. The Zits come in second, the Kuties in third, and the Alphas, who dropped the pizza all over the track, in last.

Next up - the belly flop competition. The men belly flop off of the board while yelling out synonyms to whatever Daphne yells out. This is as painful as it sounds. The Alpha Males get 'Jerk,' and they yell out 'A$$hole'. He gets a 9, 8, 9, (26) in the synonym, and a 10, 8, 10 (28) for the belly flop, for a total of 54. Next up  - the aforementioned Fatticus, who doesn't come up with a synonym and only 17 on the flop. That's disappointing for a tub of lard.

The Zits answer 'butt' for the jeer of 'Ass', and that only gets him a 22. The flop gets him a 21 for a 43 total. Finally, it's up to the Alphas, and the yell of 'Fat' gets a response of 'P&n$s C#ck' Three guesses what that is. Only a 21 for the synonym and a 24 for the flop for a score of 45. The Dogs win, then the Alphas, Zits and Nasties.

They have imported in a Greek family to judge. The family is the Bakiris, who judge from the heart, the mind, and via philosophical meaning. Apparently, someone has eaten too many gyros.

What's good to drink with gyros? Mountain Dew! This plugging has been brought to you by the Mountain Dew Olympus. The players have 2 minutes to see who can
build the highest Mountain Dew sculpture. No medals, but a Mountain Dew prize package was at stake - and the Alphas/Buxoms win it.

Back to the competition - and the next one is the Female Olive Oil Slide. Whoever can go down the slide award the furthest wins. the slide is littered with squid. If you can grab a handful of squid and hold on to it gets a bonus foot. We start with the Kuties - and they get 42'4" - with a squid. The buxoms get 39' - with a squid. The Ingas have a major problem, as they can only get 17'. The last chance goes to the Goths - and they get 18' for the Bronze - but the Kuties win the gold. The secret? No bra. Well, there are things I wouldn't mind seeing them doing with no bra...

The final event for the episode - The Drag Queen Obstacle course. Equipped with a wig and a dress. Alphas - 56 seconds. Nasty Boys - 1:07. Zits - 1:08. Deltas - 37 seconds.

After Day 1 -

Males

Deltas - 16
Nasty Boys - 7
Zits - 7
Alphas - 6

Women -

Goths - 11
Ingas - 8
Kuties - 6
Buxoms - 4

He get the highlight of today - and then we're done.

My take? This couldn't end quickly enough. I know how Anthony Rojas felt when he covered All-American girl. This is sexy and crude - but you can do crude and silly correctly - like MXC does. This doesn't come close to MXC and easily gets a worst game of the year nomination. Mindless Entertainment had a hit with Dodgeball, but a huge miss here, while National Lampoon continues with the stinkers. How bad it is? Well, George Gray wasn't even in the same studio as anyone - he is doing this all in a different set and narrating the action.

Will the next episode be the last? We can only hope...

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