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You either loved it or hated it growing up, but now in the 21st Century, the scourge of gym class has come back with a vengeance!

Recaps by Gordon Pepper, GSNN
 

FACT FILE:
Host:
Bil Dwyer, Zach Selwyn, Jerri Manthey
Creator: Rich Cronin
EP: Mark Cronin, James Rowley,
Packager: Mindless Entertainment, GSN Originals
Airs: Tuesdays at 10:00pm ET on GSN


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Episode 1 - June 15

A few things to discuss here...

1. Yes, we are going to be covering this sport, game, whatever it is.

2. Yes, that is Zach Selwyn from Dream Job playing the role of the person to is using so much of his energy to stay awake that he is forgetting to care. And yes, that is Bil Dwyer from Battlebots who is trying to keep him awake.

3. Yes, that is Jerri Manthey being the color-commentator - which goes to show you what jobs you can get when you walk away from a audience that is booing you.

4. No, I Will NOT recap the hideous William Hung video that premiered before this show. Will someone make William Hung go away???

Do we want this show to go away as well? We'll find that out in the next 30
minutes as we get a quick glimpse of the eight teams of the 'deadliest dodgeball players in the history of mankind' (that's according to Zach, not me).

Those teams are -

1. CPA's (Certified Public Assassins). They are wearing vests, shirts, and ties to match. "They were the biggest geeks in your high school - now they're here to tax your ass."

2. Curves of Steel - The aerobic squad of doom - 4 women and a guy - all with pink tights.

3. Barbell Mafia - The weight lifting squad of doom - 4 men and a woman - also with pink tights. Must be the Greenwich Village sect of the mafia.

4. SBD (Silent But Deadly) Mimes - complete with white face and the French version of the ascots and striped shirts. Scary.

5. Ink, Inc. - It's the tattoo brigade, with orange shirts and green pants.
They were probably picked up from right outside the studio.

6. Sumo Storm - Yep, Sumo-looking wrestlers. I'm not going to call them sumo wrestlers, because they are obviously not, and two of those people were contestants on different game shows. "The only thing they won't swallow is their pride."

7. Stallion Battalion - They are all real jockeys - and they are all under
5'2". They are wearing green and white dot shorts and jockey pants.

8. Armed Response - They are all rent-a-cops (and actors) and "they are no strangers to a full body cavity search." They are wearing your standard
rent-a-cop uniform (think Big Boss Man).

Rules - You win the game by knocking out all of your opponents. You knock out an opponent by hitting any part of their body - except the head, which is off limits. If someone throws the ball and you catch it, the person who throws it is out and one of your eliminated teammates comes back into play. If you step out of bounds or step over the center line, you're out. If there is only one person left on the team, you can bring your whole team back into play by hitting the regeneration target - but you can only do this once a game. Whoever wins two out of three games wins the match.

First match-up - Stallion Batallion Vs. Sumo Storm.

Roster Time -

Battalion -
Michael Pipkin - Captain (4'10", 95 pounds) - Former Marine
Kenny Sanchez (4'10", 115 pounds) - Has won over 90 horse races
Mark Munoz (4'11", 110 pounds) - Stunt Jockey in 'Seabiscuit'
Christina Knisner (4'11", 95 pounds)
Lisette Garcia (5'1", 110 pounds)

Sumos -
Americus Abesamis - Captain (6'0". 295 pounds)
Jon Beardsley (6'3". 285 pounds) - throws the ball 47 miles an hour
Dante Aligheri (6'0". 205 pounds)
Billy Aquaviva (5'9". 285 pounds)
Crystal Cartwright (5'7". 247 pounds)

Bil likes the strong sumos, while Zach likes the quicker jockeys. I'll take
the jockeys, just simply because no person who only weighs 205 pounds should be calling himself a sumo.

Round 1 - The Jockeys quickly knock the Sumos down to a 4-1 advantage, but Captain Americus hits the regeneration button and the Sumos come back. It doesn't matter, because the jockeys take them out again without needing to regenerate and the Battalion win with two players left. (Battalion leads, 1-0).

Interlude - Beyond the Ball. We talk to Kenny Sanchez, who has won 90 races, is faithful to his horse - and is single. He is looking for a lady - and no, not a lady horse. He wants to make sure he is on top. Uhhh... Kenny... too much info there.

Round 2 - and the Big Ball round. The Big ball is a third ball (double the
size of the normal balls) to add to the fun. The jockeys use it as a shield -
but the plan fails when Sanchez's ball is caught and he is out. Jamie Knisner is the last person left for the jockeys - but instead of the target, she goes after a sumo, a move that backfires when Johnny Aquaviva pelts her with the ball she just threw. The Sumos win with 3 players left. (Match tied at 1-1).

Jerri talks to Mark Munoz, who says nothing of importance - except that the
sumos are going down. Jerri looks like she'd like to join Zach sleeping in the top booth.

Round 3 - and the final round features Dead Man Walking. One of the players on each team is wearing a headband. If they get knocked out, then the game - and the match - is over. The jockeys go back to what they were doing in round 1 and only Cartwright - the dead man (woman) walking - is left. She gets hit before she has a chance to go after the regeneration target, and the Jockeys win it with 4 players left. (Jockeys win 2-1). Munoz, for getting the most kills, is the (sponsor taken out since we're not getting paid for the plug) Power Player of the match.

While we're waiting for the next match to start, we get recaps of what is
happening around the league...

CPA Vs Curves of Steel. Kel Watrin is the guy who powers the Curves of Steel, but he doesn't do much when he is out of the game. The CPA's realize this and after dropping the first match, take out Kel early in rounds 2 and 3. That's the winning game plan as the CPA's win 2-1.

Barbell Mafia Vs. SBD Mimes. Tyrone Rush destroys the mimes in Round 1, while Billy Freeman destroys the mimes in round 2. The Mafia win 2-0.

SBD Mimes Vs Sumo Storm. With the match tied at 1, Crystal Cartwright makes the fatal error of getting tagged as the saw the dead woman walking. The mimes escape with the mat and the win, 2-1.

Our next match is - the 1-0 CPA Vs. the 0-0 Armed Response.

Rosters -

CPA -
Tobias McKinney - Captain (6'5") - Can throw the ball 50 mph and is in the new Dodgeball movie.
Mandy Sommers (5'2") - Can throw the ball 29 mph
Michael 'Handsome' Costanza (5'"10, 46 mph) - Runs the L.A. Dodgeball Society
Steve Altes (6'0") 45 mph
Gretchen Weiss (5'2", 29MPH)

And the Armed Response -
David Benedetto (6'0", 51 mph) - Captain
Michelle Manumaleuna (5'7", 37mph)
Andrew Brawley (6'7", 275 pounds)
Laura Farley (5'6", 38mph)
Clay Kreuger (6'2", 50 mph)

Round 1 - It's a game of catch. The CPA's catch everything Armed Response have thrown at them, while Armed Response drops balls - but Benedetto hits the regenerator. It's now down to Kreuger Vs. Costanza - but Costanza has one regenerator left and he uses it. It's now 5 on 1, and Gretchen catches Krueger's shot, ending the match (CPA leads, 1-0).

Round 2 - The CPA's continue to catch shots as Costanza, who leads the league with 10 kills, has 7 more in the match. The CPAS quickly knock the AR down to Kreuger - who gets nailed by a three-on-one beaning. (CPA wins, 2-0).

After the match, the CPA's take off their mini-vests and wind up taunting
Armed Response. "They have crappy jobs and they probably never got out of high school," says McKinney, after speaking to Jerri. Nice.

Here are your standings after week 1 -

CPA - 2-0
Barbell Mafia - 1-0
Stallion Battalion - 1-0
SBD Mimes - 1-1
Ink, Inc - 0-0
Armed Response - 0-1
Curves of Steel - 0-1
Sumo Storm - 0-2

'The sumos have lost to mimes and jockeys. Oh! The humanity' - Zach. That ends this episode, and we're out.

My take? This is actually pretty funny. The best part is that although it's
played for laughs, the players are taking it seriously. If they keep this mood
throughout the season, this could be one of those guilty pleasures that turns into a sleeper hit. We'll find out which teams get lulled into sleep and
which ones are smacking them around with pillows next week.

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