What's a "dealer button"?  What's "all-in"?  What the heck is this weird poker game they're playing?  Well, I'll do my best to give the rookies out there a run-down while maintaining the flow of the hands for the veterans.

Some time ago, CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN started with 25 celebrities from all walks of fame.  From music, screen and television, they flocked to the Sands Casino in Vegas for a chance to play for the largest part of a $250,000 Prize Pool (donated by Cingular Wireless, mind you).  Well, after five single-table matches, 20 have been eliminated and five remain.  Before this special two-hour episode is over, one of them will walk away with $100,000 for his/her charity!

Let's meet the five lucky celebs who battled their way through four opponents each and walked away with the collectible silver chip that signifies their entry into this Final Table:

CELEBRITY	HOW THEY GOT HERE
David Cross playing for The National Gulf War Resource Center	This Arrested Development star defeated Carrie Fisher, Tom Green, Mimi Rogers and Scott Stapp when he was down to a mere $1,000 in chips.  Can he pull off another miracle?
Willie Garson playing for the Children's Hospital of Denver	Stanford Blatch from Sex and the City managed to knockout Ben Affleck, Don Cheadle, Emily Proctor and David Schwimmer one by one.  Can he make another clean sweep?
Paul Rudd playing for Project ALS	The star of "200 Cigarettes" and "Cider House Rules" smoked through Coolio, Sarah Silverman, Shannon Elizabeth and Ron Livingston to be here.  Will this be another domination or will he actually have competition this time?
Richard Schiff playing for the Weingart Center Association	Schiff outlasted four other West Wing actors: Timothy Busfield, Allison Janney, John Spencer and even "President" Martin Sheen.  Will he impeach the rest of the crowd this time?
Nicole Sullivan playing for Alley Cat Allies	This King of Queens star took care of Hank Azaria, Michael Ian Black, Peter Facinelli and Mo Gaffney after being down to $2,800.  How will she handle the pressure of being the only female at the Final Table?

$10,000 worth of chips is given to each player and the game continues until one has all $50,000 of it.  First one booted out gets $7,500, the next one gets $10,000, third place gets $12,500, runner-up receives $20,000...and the winner gets the lion's share: $100,000! (I know some of you are adding it up and not coming up with $250G; the other $100G was divided among the charities of the 20 who lost in the preliminaries.) The winner ALSO gets a commemorative GOLD coin that signifies them the Celebrity Poker Showdown Champion!

Initial blinds are $100 (SB) and $200 (BB).  The Dealer Button (D) starts on Nicole.

So Willie Garson, who smacked Lady Luck on the behind (as Kevin put it) in his qualifier, is out after a few hands and joins Kevin in the "Lounge of Non-Winners".  "Evil Willie" wonders how Paul stayed in the hand from the very start, since 7-6 was NOT a good starting hand...and berates himself for being "on tilt", or so frustrated that he made mistakes.  The GOOD news is that The Children's Hospital of Denver receives $7,500 on Willie's behalf.  The BAD news is that Ben Affleck was probably saying, "I lost to THAT guy?!?"

Back at the table, David asks tournament director Robert Thompson to get the "drink lady" over so he can have a second beer.  But the hands go merrily on, with or without David's booze...

After the hand, David gets his drink from Brandi, the "drink girl".  David pays her off with some paper money...leaving the table to wonder where in his robe he pulled it out of.  Director Thompson says out loud, "One minute left in the round."  Texas Hold 'Em tournaments are usually timed and, when the round ends, the blinds go up.  This will be the last hand with $100 and $200 blinds.

Blinds have gone up to $200 (SB) and $400 (BB).
 

Willie tells Kevin and Phil that the winner of each of the prelims was the one that drank the most at the table.  Read into that what you will as we move on:

So Richard Schiff evacuates of the "west wing" of the table and heads for the Lounge to join Willie and Kevin.  Richard says, "They're knocking the bald guys out one by one.  I hope David is next."  He couldn't use a cap given to him by Sarah Silverman.  Ah, well, $10,000 goes to the Weingart Center Association at the least.  Phil had Richard in the pool according to him...and Richard has a 6am call for West Wing that he doesn't expect to keep.

Back at the game, David tries to talk Director Thompson into changing "Shuffle up and deal" into the phrase he introduced at his prelim game: "Shuffle the @#$% up!"  But Thompson is too traditional and starts the deal the traditional way.

Nicole says she's learned NOTHING about poker or her competitors.  Yet Kevin says that two far more experienced poker players are in the Lounge before SHE is.

Richard tells Phil that Paul must've been feeling VERY lucky after flopping TWO straights...and THAT'S why he was so aggressive while having next to nothing.

As the cards are dealt, Nicole gathers her chips and says, "That's five more penises removed from male cats." (Her charity helps stray cats by spay or neutering them).  David retorts by saying, "Oh, those orphans...are gonna be psyched about that. 'No more milk?  But a cat got his @#$% removed?  That's all right...'"

As Nicole relaxes after that big pot win (and Paul rubs David's nipple through his bathrobe), who should join Willie and Richard in the Lounge than Ben Affleck.  When Kevin mentions what he thought Ben thought after Willie got bumped, Ben couldn't agree more, although he admits to having some fairly bad hands in the heads-up match.  Then David Schwimmer, another of Willie's victims in the first game, shows up.  David admits to playing some blackjack after his loss and actually MADE some money.  Then Ben suggests making a side table amongst the four of them.  Kevin yells, "Get us some chips and a few decks!"  But things get a little nervous when PHIL says he wants in on that.

Blinds are now $300 (SB) and $600 (BB)

Ben says that "Ruddsy's finished."  Once again, David yells, "SHUFFLE THE @#$% UP!"...and, as the applause dies down, Director Thompson adds, "...and deal."  David also complains about how Ben and David Schwimmer get preferential treatment when it comes to food perks.

Now Shannon Elizabeth has joined the fray in the Lounge...and Phil gets very distracted.
 

As Brandi serves more drinks to the players, Nicole states, "I'm gonna wear that outfit (a golden two-piece outfit) if I win."

Blinds go up to $400 (SB) and $800 (BB).  Ben, Schwimmer and Shannon have left the Lounge...maybe to start their own game, who knows.

NOBODY can believe that Paul Rudd got "sucked out"!  Paul sulks towards the Lounge where he is comforted by Kevin, Willie and Richard.  Kevin reiterates what Phil said earlier that Nicole had no hand to even call a bluff is Paul had indeed been doing that.  Paul knew he had to go all-in with the "trips".  But getting beaten like that...calls for at LEAST six or seven drinks.  Kevin would tell Paul later that his charity, Project ALS, gets $12,500.

So it's heads-up action between Nicole Sullivan and David Cross, the two "Cinderella stories" from the prelims.  Both were down to the felt (extremely low on chips) but fought their way back to make it to the Final Table.  They bring out the $100,000 which would go to the winner on a silver platter...as if they don't have ENOUGH pressure on them to win.  It's time, for the Celebrity Poker Showdown Championship, to SHUFFLE UP AND DEAL!

David comments that he and Nicole are "the last two people America THOUGHT would be here...or that Bravo WANTED to be here."

Paul thinks Nicole is a better poker player than she let anyone think...but, in reference to charities, he has to root for David.  Richard and Willie agrees.  Here is where Kevin tells Paul about the 12.5Gs for Project ALS.

Phil is thoroughly impressed how Nicole played that hand.  And everyone in the Lounge is REALLY starting to wonder if Nicole hasn't been hustling everyone into thinking she was a bad player.

Nicole looks at her right thumbnail, which has taken a bit of a beating.  David could care less, going, "Dude, she was so @#$%ing hot...but then I saw her thumbnail and I'm, like, out of there!"

(This is the only time in the whole show that they seemed to skip a hand as Nicole is back as the Dealer Button)

After David reciprocates while the boys in the Lounge were discussing Nicole's strategy...

David consults Phil's booklet again. and Kevin hopes he reads the part apart playing the player and not just the cards.

So the National Gulf War Resource Center gets $20,000 thanks to David Cross...but it's Nicole Sullivan, the least likely person thought to win, wins the $100,000 first prize for Alley Cat Allies!

After getting mucho congrats from the other celebs and Phil, Kevin tells Nicole about how they felt Nicole was hustling them.  She didn't deny it, but she didn't say she was, either.  Kevin gives Nicole the gold chip that signifies her the first-ever Celebrity Poker Showdown Champion.  Nicole says, "Liquor helps.  Drink...because it makes you smarter.  Everyone else were greater players than me...and it was just luck.  But it's awesome...that every single person walks away with money for their charities.

This is Chris Wolvie reminding you (like Kevin did every episode), "It's not the size of your stack; it's how you play your chips!"