"I Carry The DNA: Days
(Somewhere in the CBS labs... Various bleeps and
bloops can be heard in the distance. Suddenly, a a whoop
noise is heard...)
Julietron 5000: "It's a new
season, a new house, and 13 completely new houseguests.
Good evening. I'm Julie Chen. Welcome to Big Brother 5."
I see they sprung for the
life-like sparkly model this year. And so it begins, 13
"strangers" from 13 states, all with the same answer to
the age-old question, "What did you do over the summer?"
I quote "strangers" because
there is a common bond somewhere. We'll get to that in a
sec, but first, here are the 13 hamsters with their new
Karen O'Neil Ganci
prepares to paint the competition in a corner. Jase
Wirey ... he's this season's Nathan. Jennifer
Dedmon always stands out in a crowd (partly because
she's an honorary member of Ink, Inc.). Marvin
Latimer is going to bury the competition. Diane
Henry says the odds favor her. Drew Daniel is
going from twin brother to Big Brother (like myself,
apparent-LY). Mike Lubinski... well, call him
this season's Will Mega, only Caucasian and Republican
(not to offend either). Ditzy is Holly King's
strategy... Yep. Michael Ellis' heart is as big
as his belt buckle. Damn, that's a big heart. Adria
Okins is going to push it to the limit. Scott
Long... he's this season's Mike Boogie. Lori
Valenti is hoping to stretch her stay as long as
possible. And finally, Will Eikle is planning to
dish out some medicine of his own -- with a Speedo.
Already I'm thinking "Gerald the Gotta Be Gay Guy".
And they're all leaving in
one hour... Well, get packing! What'd'ya think this is,
Now, this year's twist...
Project Do Not Assume... or DNA for short. Sounds like
anime, we know, just hear us out. If you haven't read
this week's WLTI, here's the dealie-yo. Two houseguests
are unknowingly related by blood. More on that later.
Right now, it's move-in
time. We hear the spiel from last year (yeah, we know it
by now), so I'll spare you the rubbish and get to the
good stuff. In groups of three, they will enter the
house and choose one bedroom (either sky blue, log-cabin
brown, or prison grey) - each with its own advantages
and disadvantages - to call their own.
Adria, Lori, Michael, and
Jase are the first to enter. Michael and Jase pass up
the prison for the sky. Once Jase lays his space
down, he starts laying game... on the ladies. Arrrrr.
Jennifer, Holly, Scott,
Marvin, and Drew are next. No time for meeting people
yet, as they have to find a room. Jennifer and Holly
bunk with the "frat boys" Drew and Scott in the sky
room. Guess Michael and Jase took too long. Holly has no
clue what to do with those guys. Marvin takes the cot
for the team. All part of his strategy.
Finally, Diane, Karen,
Will, and Mike take up space. They're stuck with... the
It's meet & greet time, as
they toast to BB5 and the new friendship. Of course, if
you want to know what they're all about, check out the
reference page. Everyone
thinks that Holly is... yeah. Marvin is your control
freak. Lori is "strong as battery acid". Adria is
totally lost. Scott is the alpha male. The men are hot.
The ladies are hot. It's the house of heat this summer.
Oh yeah, and Jennifer
prefers to be called "Nicomus..." Daughter of the moon,
it means. I've heard worse. Let's see... Scrazzi...
Siege... Neumann... Esther's probably the worst.
And then there's "Cowboy",
a) Dynayellow from the old late-night Dynaman shows, or
b) Michael's nickname.
With intros aside, one
question remains: Anybody hungry?
FOOD CHALLENGE: Grocery
The Big Brother House has
one thing always on hand... PB&J. Which I personally
wouldn't have a problem with. But they would, so it's
back to the backyard to what Holly calls "a science
project gone bad." Similar to an X-shaped challenge last
year, we have a DNA-shaped helix-looking... thing. Each
houseguest have 75 seconds to crawl through the helical
ladder, collecting yellow balls. Those balls will
determine what groceries will be brought in. If they
fall, they're out. If they do not get to the other side,
Oh, and one more thing...
Spiral will be twisting. Here we go!
Michael plays Clark Kent
into Superman, collecting some balls, while Jase makes
the crawl just in time. Will almost falls reaching for
the beer. Rest of the houseguests follow suit, as Holly
"feels like a bizarre monkey". Somewhere in the
distance, the Whew! Villains are screaming, "TIIIIMES
UUUUUUUP!" She's out, and all of her groceries are nil.
After everyone goes through
the ladder, we see some good eats: Rack of lamb, shrimp,
filet mignon, lobster tails, prune juice? Quote of the
night goes to Marvin: "Speaking of balls, I got 'mixed
nuts'." But back to the lobster tails, as Lori is told
to hold onto that ball. Now, if you haven't noticed,
there's a box beside the overgrown Lingo drum. Again
with the DNA theme, as Lori is given a choice: the
box... which is revealed to contain $10,000 cash thanks
to a key hidden within the ball, or the groceries. Her
choice... Food or money? I feel like Jordan Murphy all
of a sudden.
Everyone thinks that Lori
should take the money. "I'm gonna take the money,
Julie." So, PB&J for the rest of the week. And no one is
more pissed about it than Jennifer. Except maybe Marvin,
who paints a big ol' bullseye on her face. "That's not
really a good way to start, is it?" Wow... she's smart.
Will thinks the house is
looking for its first sacrificial lamb. And he's eating
it up. He secretly admits to Lori that yes, he is gay.
But he's waiting to play the Gay Card. First, that show
is dead and gone. Second, blind albino cave bats could
figure that out. Alliance #1 is forged.
Then Marv falls out of bed.
So far, the strategy is working.
Next day at the house, as
Jennif... sorry, Nicomus joins the still sleepy Mike and
Marv. Gee, what to have for breakfast. Meanwhile, Jase,
Michael, Drew, and Scott buddy up. Alliance #2. They
(and Diane) think that Nicomus is first to go. And
alliance #2 has an official name: the Knights of the
Round. Would that make Scott King Arthur (cha-CHING!)?
Well Jase is preparing to play Lancelot if he needs to.
Pool party, where Will
takes Karen and Lori aside to try and take down the
Knights. They strike up alliance #1.5.
Back to Julie at BB Central
in Television City in Hollywood, where she divulges more
about Project DNA. Michael is Jennifer's half-brother.
Jennifer's father, a vet whose leg was prey to an
accident in Vietnam, is also Michael's. Michael never
even met his real father (he was born out of wedlock).
Both were born in Houston. Both are unaware of each
other's existence. Hmm...
I can see the
resemblance... What I CAN'T see is how this impacts game
dynamics as a whole of any sort. Initial analysis. (BZZZZ!)
Second twist up... after
the remainder of the pool party. Holly's new nickname is
"Hollywood" King. Michael makes a play for last names
when he hears "Dedmon", the last name of his "real
father". Suddenly, Michael springs into action, as he
finds out of Jennifer's background and father, a one
Arthur Guy Dedmon. Then it his him. "Boom."
They start hanging out (by
that, I mean, he asks, she answers). Then comes the
subject of another brother. She wanted an older brother,
she says, but Michael keeps his feelings in.
Treadmills of Terror
You know the score by now.
Head of Household carries power. But as Uncle Ben would
so remind us, "With great power comes great
responsibility." In this case, it's the responsibility
of marking two people for eviction.
The houseguests pair off,
while Will is the odd man out. Each team has a walker -
the person on the treadmill - and a talker - the
spokesperson for the team who will answer yes/no
questions. Will takes a seat. Correct answers freeze
speed. Wrong answers advance it. After the question
period, it's an endurance trial. Last person standing
fights Will for HoH.
The teams are:
Drew/Michael, Diane/Holly, Scott/Jase, Marvin/Adria,
Lori/Karen, and Jennifer/Mike. After three questions, we
have runners. Marvin and Adria reach the maximum of 8
MPH first, and Adria is first in the mudbog. Drew and
Mike are all in the max range, as Mike takes a dive.
Diane also takes a dive as Holly wonders "how the hell
she got it wrong". Questions are done. Forget about
those. Now it's all about will power. Michael's the
first victim, leaving Karen/Lori and Jase/Scott. Still
going, even though both treadmills are at max speed.
It's Queens vs. Knights and the winner is... after 27
minutes of running... Knights! Jase and Scott are up
against Will for the first HOH. The tiebreaker: a
question about himself. Will asks Jase, "Would you
assume that my dream job is to own a high-end restaurant
in South Africa?" Jase: No. Right! Jase is the first HoH.
NOW... to twist #2. One of
the houseguests has a twin who is also playing the game.
The twins will switch off periodically and compete as
one. We'll find out more next Thursday, but for now,
it's back to life as we know it in the house that CBS
built. BB5 returns Thursday with the nomination
ceremony. Stay tuned for "The Amazing Race" coming up
over most of these stations.