September 5, 2001

I don't really need to go over all of the teams (since the site has already done that) - but here's a quick rules recap - 11 teams start and they have 3-4 different instructions to go from one place to another. Hidden somewhere is a Fast Forward - a short cut where you can find out the exact final destination of where youre going and you can go directly there. Otherwise, you're OK unless you finish in last - because if you do, you get to go Iloveyoubuhbye.

The first stop is Johannesburg, South Africa. There are only three flights that the teams can take - first come first serve on the tickets. After getting JFK via the Taxi or the subways, your leaders are the husband and husband team (Team Guido), followed by the Lawyers (Team Anti-Paxton) and Frank and Margarita (Team Dysfunction).

After the first flight, the teams need to go to a second flight, and once again the same teams come in the top three spots. Frank throws a conniption because it is the second straight time that they did not come in first.

After the flight, the team needs to go to Knife Edge - they do this by taking a car and either driving by themselves or taking a driver who may or may not know where he's going. What is the point of getting a driver if you have to give him instructions? Most of the teams share my opinion and drive by themselves - but some with disastrous results. Married couple Matt and Ana get horrendously lost, but nowhere near as lost as the geeks...I mean Greeks - and after the second segment, it looks like the series may become 100% frat free.

Frank and Margarita, eavesdropping in on what team Guido talks about while waiting on the destination line, break out of the line when they get the info they need out of the husband and husband team and move into first place, with the same teams in the front of the pack. Ana and Matt get even more lost (and deservedly so - If you pronounce Gorge as 'George', you deserve to get lost - when asked where the George was, I was waiting for one of the natives to ask if they were related to Liberace). Right behind them in the race for ineptitude was the Greeks, the teachers, and Paul and Amie (with Paul making bad after bad decision).

The Fast Forward is hidden in the Batoka Gorge area - and the pass is found by The Lawyers (If you wonder where I'm getting Tom Paxton from - listen to his song 'One Million Lawyers' - it's a classic - unless your a lawyer - then please don't hurt me). The Lawyers find that the final destination for this segment is Sonque Village and head right over. The grandparents (Team Geritol) are there only a few minutes behind, but there is only one fast forward, so they have to go back with everyone else.

The final challenge is a walk to the village - but if you want to make it there very quickly, you can bungee jump yourself across a chasm that is a couple of thousand feet wide. Since the lawyers don't have to do it (since they got the fast forward, they knew exactly where to go without needing the final instructions located after you bungee jump), Team Guido gets there first. After a lot of hemming and hawing, everyone makes it across, but the most entertaining spot was when Amie had to whip Paul into getting over his fear of heights to cross the chasm. This team will now be known as Team Henpecked.

Finally, the teams have made it to the village. The lawyers easily get there first and the pair of husbands get there in second. Frank and Margarita (Team Dysfunction) come in third (you think Frank needs a valium now that they didn't even come in second?) and Lenny and Karyn come in fourth. Pat and Brenda wind up in fifth and Kim and Leslie place in sixth. Team Geritol makes up for missing time while hunting for the Fast Forward and come in a respectable 7th. The Henpecked team come in 8th. Matt and Ana were in ninth but overshoot the village, which becomes their fatal error as both the frat pack (9th) and the mom and daughter team (10th) slide ahead of them. Matt/Ana get there well after sundown and get the news that they have now joined Sonja, Mega, Deb and Justin (or Sheryl, depending on your perspective) in the list of people eliminated first on a CBS reality series. Matt's response: "Bummer."...as the realization seeps in that they have gone Iloveyoubuhbye.

September 19, 2001

Last week's highlight: People yell as they bungee jump, Amy yells at Paul, Frank yells at Margarita and everyone else, and Matt and Ana yell at each other as they go Iloveyoubuhbye. 10 teams are left, and after tonight, there will be nine teams left.

We start where we left off last week - in Zambia. They have to solve clues in order to get to the next marker. The first marker that they need is at the Songwe Museum - and all of the natives know where the museum is. Of course, the teams don't know where it is - though it is a mere 100 meters away by foot.

The lawyers team up with the husband and husband team and Frank and Margarita in a 3 team alliance and they all leave as a pack at 11:30 pm. Meanwhile, Frank and Karen leave by themselves at 1:52 am. Pat and Brenda also leave alone after 3:30 am. The teams can still use a driver, although they are not from the area, so they have no clue where the place is (Discuss: What is the point of having the drivers if they don't even know where to go? Wha?)

The alliance was formed when Margarita thought she saw a sign signalling where the museum was, so they're all relying on her - except she now has a serious case of brain cramps and the 3 team alliance all realize that they went 2 hours out of their way for an imaginary sign.

However, since they had a big lead on time, the 3 team alliance gets to the museum first anyways - they need to make a choice - either go to a local game reserve and get 3 pics of 3 hard to find animals, or take a pic of elephants at a game reserve - located close to 100 miles away. The alliance decide to stay local.

The fast forward (which allows you to go straight to the last leg of the race without having to scramble against the other teams) is on the Zambezi River - Pat and Brenda decide to go for it.

Meanwhile, Kim and Leslie leave at 5:30 am, then Paul and Amie at 5:50 am. Team Geritol makes it out of the gates after 6 am, but they are the first team to finally be smart enough to ask people on where to go. The Frat Pack leave after 7am and stupidly go into the car without asking anyone else, passing the gramps on the way. Nancy and Emily are the last group out but they make good time and get ahead of 4 teams in the process.

Paul/Amie, Team Geritol, and Nancy/Emily get there at the same time - they also all move ahead of the Greeks, who don't seem to realize what exactly they should be taking a picture of since they decide that the elephant statue (which is one of the animals they may need to take a picture of) is a trinket.

The 3 team alliance get the pics, but the alliance may be short-lived as the life couple are thinking about dropping Frank and Margarita and the Lawyers and go out on their own. The lawyers also think about getting rid of the volatile Frank and Margarita, while Frank and Margarita are thinking about getting rid of each other.

The working moms get to the Bondu area - they seem to be unopposed - and for good reason - you can only use the Fast Forward once during the show - so once a team uses it, they can no longer go after a Fast Forward for the rest of the series. The working moms get the location of the final destination of this lap - the Arc De Triomphe in Paris, France.

Paul and Amie get 2 of the 3 animals immediately, while the Greeks don't seem to know how to use a camera. The camera on the mom/daughter team doesn't work, but the daughter is more concerned about mom turning into a welcome mat by the local rhinoceros.

The 3 alliance teams trade the pics to the tribal chief near the game reserve in for a statue of the Eiffel Tower. The Frat boys zoom to the front of the rest of the pack and miraculously are in the top half of the group. Meanwhile Paul and Amie continue their yelling spree as the rest of the teams convene at the airport.

All of the teams scramble for flight tickets, and all of the sudden the working moms get caught by the rest of the teams. The next 5-10 minutes is a montage of teams trying to get tickets and yelling and bribing the ticket sales people. Meanwhile, friction is starting to exist between some of the teams who have started their own alliance, but the working moms finally get out first, and the best friends follow in the rest of the pack chase.

The husband and husband team, who lived in France for 2 years, speak French and break up the 3 team alliance to jump ahead of the pack, leaving the lawyers and team Dysfunction to figure out how to catch them.

The lawyers and Frank and Margarita stay in the alliance. Pat and Brenda, who already know that they need to get to the Arc, make it first and are waiting for everyone else. The husband squared team gets to the Eiffel Tower first - there's a challenge that needs to be performed (it's called a roadblock).

One team member and one member only has to do the challenge - which in this case is to go to the second floor of the Tower and use a telescope-like machine to find a monument with a yellow flag on it. The Guido team finds the Arc De Triomphe first and moves on the way. Team Dysfunction and the Lawyers, still in a team, figure it out next. The Frat boys fnially figure it out while Lenny appears clueless and argues with Karen. It seems like we have a new team dysfunction. In the dumb-ass move of the episode, instead of actually doing the footwork, Lenny asks tourists about a famous monument - they say Notre Dame and Lenny tells Karen to go to Notre Dame. As of right now, there's a good shot that Lenny and Karen will not be getting much air time after the first 30 seconds of episode 3.

Meanwhile, Paul and Amie are outbid by Kim/Leslie for a cab, which starts the first nasty cat fight between the teams. When they finally do get a cab, Paul tries to convince Amie to go home - saying that if things get any worse, he will quit. Things get worse. Paul gets frustrated on the second floor of the Eiffel Tower, spins a telescope and kicks a wall, and says that he quits.

The team of Kim/Leslie goes completely to the top of the tower - too bad the flag is on the ground level - one teammate asks 'Am I that stupid?' YES YOU ARE. Meanwhile, the husband and husband team come in second, the lawyers come in 3rd, and Frank and Margarita surprisingly don't implode and come in fourth. Meanwhile, Lenny and Karen are about to implode, as they get to Notre Dame and realize that they went to the wrong place. Lenny starts to tear with the 'I seriously screwed up' look on his face. Karen is disappointed -
replies Lenny 'That ain't nothing new', and we start to get divorce court, Paris-Style.

The culturally uncouth frat boys amazingly finish in 5th. The best friends finally find the instructions on what to do at the Eiffel Tower. Meanwhile, Lenny and Karen wind up back to the tower and the best friends are there -
both teams find the flag. Paul stops moping and finds the Arch as well while Team geritol come in 6th. The friends take the Taxi while Paul and Amie take the Subway and come in 7th. Mom and Daughter finish in 8th while the best friends are arguing with the Taxi guy for change. That winds up to be the gaffe grande of the episode as Lenny and Karen take the ninth and final place. The best friends reap what they sow as the alliance that Kim and Leslie break up comes back to bite them in the fanny.

During the final run for the end, one of the women quip 'We're the dumbest people in America'. Well, maybe not, but you're the worst finishing team on this leg. And Kim and Leslie get to go Iloveyoubuhbye.

September 26, 2001

Last time we met - Kim and Leslie dumb themselves out of the competition, and another team gets to do the same and with these teams, there is plenty of dumbness to go around. Another team gets to go iloveyoubuhbye.

So the teams start at the Arc de Triomphe. Again, the teams stay for 12 hours before going on to their next journey - and the Fast Forward is still in play. Pat and Brenda start off first at 9:06 pm - they need to find La Grande Rue - French for the big ferris wheel. They get real lucky and get the first tourist to give them the right directions. Team Pink Triangle gets out second and with the knowledge of French, they get there. The lawyers and Frank and Margarita realize that they have to motor to get to the wheel - but they figure out where to go. The Lawyers and F and M have 13 minutes to get there. Pat and Brenda get there in time and hit a detour - which is a choice - either walk up a bunch of steps to ring a bell, or find a cat at the Pantheon - on the other side of town. Bill and Joe decide, since everything is closed, that they will walk to their own house. The Lawyers and Frank and Margarita also get to the Ferris Wheel, but Frank is getting second thoughts about the alliance. Meanwhile, the life partners realize that they need to get to the Pantheon and go there.

The Frat Pack leave at 12:27 am and get to the wheel too late - they decide to go after the Fast Forward - realizing that this is the only way to catch the rest of the pack - but they can only use it once for the series. The Frat Pack needs to go to the tea shop and ask for a certain type of tea - which they decide to do. Paul and Amy and Mom and Daughter both leave well after the wheel closes. The grandparents get penalized from last episode - since both people inadvertantly did the road block excercise (only one person can do it). Team Geritol plays the role of the dumb tourist. Lenny and Karen finally take off in the wee hours of the morning, leading up the rear. Paul and Amie get to the Ferris Wheel and sleep over in front of the wheel. The Greeks find the Tea Shop and sleep over in front of the store. Meanwhile, the husband and husband team go back home to their old haunts - awww....vive le France.

The grandparents and Lenny and Karen meet Paul and Amie and they all sleep together - when it starts to rain. The lawyers and F and M meet at the Pantheon and hang out there for the night. Pat and Brenda go to the National Conservatory where there are no teams - and make the dumbass move of the episode - because the reason that they are all alone is because all of the other teams have gotten to the right place - but they're at the WRONG place. D'oh!

Morning time - could we all complain about the rain a little bit more?? Meanwhile, Nancy and Emily stayed at the hotel and are shocked that the rest of the teams are out there. The fourpack decide to ring Quasimodo's bell at Notre Dame. The Frat Pack get the right tea and Fast Forward to the Pit Stop - Cheteau Les Baux - the South of France. The wacky New Yorkers who have all of the graces of an uncarved block may wind up in first after this leg - yikes. Joe and Bill take the subway to get to the pendulum.

The Lawyers and Team F and M disguise themselves as students to get the discounted rate at the museum. Meanwhile, Pat and Brenda realize that they may have gone the wrong way. Joe and Bill meet Fand M and the lawyers - and neither team are very happy to see them - since Joe and Bill stabbed both teams in the back. Meanwhile, in Notre Dame, Paul and Amie start up the steps, and the dual husbands sneak past both teams to come in first, since the guide only allows one team to go in at the same time. Pat and Brenda
FINALLY realize they went the wrong way.

Meanwhile, Paul and Amie get to the top of the Cathedral, followed by the mom and daughter team, then Lenny and Karyn and then the Gramps. The working moms finally get to the Pantheon - where they get the next clue - Find the man in the blue suit. 'How did we know there was 2 (cats)' asks the mom. They failed
to live by the 6 Ps - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. So they get the other 6 Ps - Perplexed Planning Perpetuates Piss Poor Performance.

The man in the blue suit is standing across the Hotel D'eville. Joe and Bill smugly think they are smugly ahead of everyone since everyone used the taxis - but there was no traffic and everyone in the taxis got there before them - and team pink triangle run into the gramps. who were trailing the pack. They run into a Road block - all they have to do is to get 2 blocks across the street - via the Paris sewer. The husband squared team puts on the suit backwards and is now relegated to last. Meanwhile everyone is having too much
fun in the sewers as we get to see images of mice running all over the place. Paul gets out of the sewer first and Amie finds him. Karen is next - they get the note to go to Les Baux. Pat and Brenda get there in dead last - and get there right when everyone left. A disgusted Joe and Bill see their first place dominance come to a crushing end. 'We lose this thing in Paris and we've been here for 2 years'.

Team Guido want to help the lesser teams - mainly because they want to knock off some of the stronger teams - but they send all of the teams to the wrong train - but the teams realized that and got themselves on the right team. The husband squared team is making a whole list of enemies. They think that everyone is on the train - but they're wrong. Neither the gramps nor Pat and Brenda did not make the first train - these are your prime candidates for going iloveyoubuhbye.

The pit stop is high on top of the ruins. Team Greek gets there in first place, easily in front of everyone else. Team Geritol and the working moms get to the last train. There is a short cut from Avignon to the pit stop.
Team Guido gets off thinking that they will get a big lead ahead of everyone - meanwhile the lawyers find out that they can get a shortcut from Avignon and F and M , still in the alliance, follow them. Paul and Amie/mom and Daughter/and Karyn and Lenny form their own alliance. The teams have to hike uphill a half mile to get to the final pit stop. Frank and Margarita come in second and introduce themselves to the mayor. The lawyers come in third and an embarrassed husband and husband team come in fourth. The grandparents take the next train, but also take the Avignon short cut and come in fifth, and they embrace in a kiss (awwwww). The underdog alliance come in 6th (Paul and Amie), 7th (Lenny and Karyn) and 8th (Nancy and Emily), respectively. The working moms make the dubious distinction of coming from first to worst in a single episode and they get to go Iloveyoubuhbye.

October 3, 2001

So we start the episode with teams backstabbing other teams, Team Guido backstabbing everybody, and everyone just being mean and nasty. Can't we just all get along? Ok - I've used that cliche in these reports 85,637 times - Jason is going to come after me with a mallet if I keep this up - must find another boring cliche that I can use instead to iritate everyone...nah =)

So starting in Les Baux, all of the teams have to go to the Port of Marseilles and find a strange man in a foregin country - the only thing that they have to go by is a flag of the country that he is in.

The frat pack start out, and smartly booked a taxi ahead of time. Frank and Margarita find a taxi - but its the one that was ordered by Rob and Brennan - and they don't feel like sharing. That alliance just went Iloveyoubuhbye. F and M get their own taxi 15 minutes later - and 15 minutes before Team Guido, who also got their own taxi. They are immediately thinking Morocco on the flag, which could constitute as the dumbass move of the episode, except they realize that it isn't once they get to Marseilles. Team Geritol (Dave and Marguerita) get the taxi without any major problems. Paul and Amie are next - but the taxi that they ordered doesnt show up. Nancy and Emily's does and they scoot right past Paul and Amie. Paul says that Amie gets upset over the smallest things, but he's the one cursing up a storm. Prozac, anyone? Lenny and Karyn get a taxi and away we go.

During the taxi interlude, we have people bickering (Paul and Amie, Lenny and Karyn), but surprisingly, Frank and Margarita are actually making up and getting cozy during the segment (awwww), the grandparents get close (awwww), the husband and husband couple get close (awwwww), the lawyers don't get close (well, they're lawyers, what do you expect?) - and the Frat boys get close - with Nancy and Emily (they're in an alliance together...no...it's not what you think - the frat boys aren't that crazy...well...maybe they are...but Nancy and Emily aren't...oh, get your mind out of the gutter, you sick people!!!)

So everyone gets to the port - and they all figure out they have to go to Tunis - but the first boat out of there doesn't leave for a couple of hours - so everyone catches up to everyone else and everyone is neck and neck. Complains a Frat Boy, 'What's the point of having a lead if they allow everyone to catch up?' Replies me 'Whats the point of having a game if they let one team get a 3 day lead, like a certain show on NBC (not to name names....uh....you can figure it out).' Bill of the husband and husband team Guido arranges the tickets - but sets it up so that they are alone from everyone else on the trip. Needless to say, no one is thrilled with them and they all decide to eat together - away from Bill and Joe. 'Everyone is Anti-Guido'. Gee, could it be that they have shafted everyone so far on the trip? The defense is that according to Team Guido - 'We want to play to win' - I think that you are not playing to win if you play the game that way - because you're actually playing to have a big bullseye being put on your fanny. You better believe that the first time Team Guido needs a team to help them out, that they will be dead in the water.

Since all of the teams are together (which will be real difficult to get lost in this case), they all find the man with relative ease. They then get a map and a detour -either find a cafe with no assistance from a map, or find a massage parlor where the map shows you where to go - but take a 20 minute massage there, too. Everyone decides to try to find the coffee shop - except Paul and Amie, who need the massage baaaaaaad. The lawyers get a tourist to help them find the place. Nancy and Emily, on the other hand, get a whole harem of horny Tunisian males to help them. Everyone else follows either of these groups. Kevin and Drew (Frat Pack) decide to go against the bath because 'You saw what happened in Midnight Express'.

Amie gets a nice relazing version of the massage. Paul, however, gets the Midnight Express treatment and feels like he got into the wrestling ring in a hardcore match against Mankind. When they are done with the massage, they (and the rest of the teams) get a cigarette lighter with a picture of the colosseum in El Jem on it. That's the final destination of this leg. They can get there either via Taxi (costs more) or via Train (takes longer). The lawyers are told that the train takes shorter - so they go that way. Lenny and Karyn also take the train. D'oh! So at this point, Team Guido and the Frat/Nancy-Emily alliance is in the lead. F/M and Team Geritol is in the middle of the group, and Paul and Amie (massage), the Lawyers (train) and Lenny and Karyn (train) are your leading expulsion candidates .

Here is where we get to the turning point of the episode. Team Geritol decides to be clever and tries to take a taxi that they believe will get them to the arena faster. The catch - they don't take French money - only Tunisian Currency - and they forgot to exchange the money. So they take their sweet time finding people on the street to exchange money with them. This would constitute the dumbass move of the episode, but since the grandparents don't like such filthy language - we will call it the sillybutt
move of the episode. Everyone gets in front of the Grandparents.

This brings us to the final challenge - someone has to go into the colosseum, use a torch to navigate the colosseum, find a sword dangling on a rope, and bring it back to their teammate, and then they have to go to the end. now you are supposed to find a pole and put it through a fence to get the sword - but most teams said the heck with that and jumped over the fence. Not much happened here, except that Paul and Emilyand Lenny almost set themselves on fire with the torch.

Team Guido recaptures the lead, with the Alliance of the Fratboys/Mom and Daughter team coming in second and third, respectively. Frank and Margarita come in fourth, and Paul and Amie overcome the massage to take fifth. The lawyers and Lenny and Karen overcome the train to come in sixth and seventh, repsectively. But the Grandparents can not overcome the currency change fiasco and come well behind everyone else. They get an ovation from the rest of the teams (how much do you want to bet that some of that happiness is coming from the teams that are glad that they are not getting the boot?). But there is no joy in Geritolville - the grandparents go Iloveouybuhbye.

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