May 11/12 - Finals Round
America's newest singing
sensation will be a woman. That's guaranteed.
But which woman? We're two weeks away from finding out.
But first, it's afro time. That's right, it's disco
night on Idol. And who better to judge our Idols tonight
than the Queen of Disco... Ms. Donna Summer, y'all...
She's looking for uniqueness, self-possession, and star
quality. Well, you'll get it tonight. We hope.
First up, another twist that really doesn't mean
anything. This time, Simon, Donna, Paula, and the Dawg
will critique in backwards order. O... kay. In a twist
up of sorts, I've invited another thing to come out of
the 70, my sister, to co-critique with me. Say hi,
Quisla. (Q: Yo!)
First off, Jasmine Trias offers "Everlasting Love".
Very... typical. Seriously. At this point, she's out of
her league. I mean, the state of Hawaii can only do so
much. (Q: Where's you ukulele? Wait, you don't have one,
do you? Yeah, that's why you're going home. Got one word
for you. Aloha!)
Simon: This feels weird going first! I think you
know how vulnerable you are tonight. I thought it was a
really average karaoke performance.
Donna: Pretty good. I thought there was some
Paula: You kinda fell into your groove. Not my
most favorite choice of song.
Randy: You hit the high notes and that's about
it. It wasn't very good.
Bad choice of song. Ouch, ouch, ouch. And if the guest
judge doesn't like you, then you know you're going home.
(Q: Quentin Tarantino doesn't count, because he and
Simon were having a d(^_^) measuring contest). Next up,
La Toya London comes to "Love You Inside Out." Never
heard of it. (Q: Great dress). This is what I call a
pizza performance (Q: Even when it's bad, it's still
kinda good?) Yep. Disco and ballads never went together.
But you have to dig the voice. And she put herself into
Simon: We know you are a great singer and
everyone else knows it. But I think it was quite boring.
I know nothing more about you now than I had known
Donna: I think you emoted the song. I understand
your choice as a singer.
Paula: I think you continue to shine. You've been
consistent as a star. I think I'm looking at an American
Randy: I don't agree with the safe thing, but I
do agree that there was nothing special. I keep looking
for... Dude, blow me away!
Yep. And La Toya's being a little modest, you know?
Next, "Knock on Wood" (Q: Woo!) with Fantasia Barrino
(oh no.) Actually, she's less nasal than past week.
Fantasia, you're starting to get it. Finally. And she
works the crowd in a way not seen since Josh Gracin last
year. (Q: I don't know. She made the song her own, but
something wasn't right). It's called her singing.
Simon: This is a winner's competition. Everyone
should want to win this competition, and the person who
I want to win should be different. You are different.
Donna: I agree. You know who you are. You're
excited. And you give your all. What's there to say?
Paula: You always know how to pick the right
song. You didn't knock on it, you kinda karate chopped
Randy: As soon as you open your mouth, you can
feel that star spirit in your voice. Dude, you got it
And last lady up, "This is It" for Diana DeGarmo. It's
as saccharine as it gets. (Q: But I love her dress).
Shut up. A few pitches here and there, but again, she
emotes her way through the piece as if she deserves
there. And she does, really. (Q: I think she finally
realizes that she needs to put out). Well said.
Simon: I have said that you are too young for
this competition. I'm going to take that back. Before
you sing your second song, stay well away from Fantasia
and La Toya because you could very well break up what
everyone's expecting to be the final.
Donna: I was really impressed.
Paula: something has happened. Something broke
through. You look fantastic and you finally broke out.
Randy: You worked it out. You did your thing.
Most improved performer.
As much as it pains me as a male of discerning tastes to
say... I agree with the judges. Okay, next up, repeat
performances. Jasmine Trias is delivering our forecast.
"It's Raining Men". More like "it's raining pain."
Butchered lyric? Check. Worn pitch? Check. But when she
was good, she was really good. Too bad it does NOTHING
to save her. NOTHING. (Q: Too little, too late, too bad.
That was probably her best performance ever. Too bad
it's her last one). I must say this... Geri Frickin'
Halliwell did a better version.
Simon: You better hope that every household in
Hawaii has at least five telephones, because you're
going to need all the support you can get.
Donna: I didn't like the choice of song. I think
you gave your best, but you know, it was okay.
Paula: I know the power your voice carries. I
think you got thrown off because you forgot the lyric.
When that happens, your confidence gets thrown off as
Randy: Not your best performance. It was
definitely pitchy all over the place.
(Q: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PITCHY MEANS?!) It
means she can't sing and she's... crying? (Q: Oh,
f(^_^). They hurt her feelings.) Yeah, she knows she's
going home. I think the Idol Chart this week is a moot
point. La Toya's back with "Don't Leave Me This Way."
All I can say to add on at this point is... thank you,
La Toya. Thank you.
Simon: Well that was more like it. This was as
good as the original.
Randy: You brought it back, man. Props to you!
And next with Fantasia, "Holding For a Hero", which
technically isn't a disco song. At least not that I can
remember. Between shouting and intonality, I don't know
what to make of this. (Q: ... no, I don't think so. She
would've been better off singing "Crazy Little Thing
Called Love" again). She looks angry.
Simon: I actually didn't like that, because
you're so much better than that kind of song!
Donna: I would love it, because you're great.
Paula: I don't know why you picked that song. Not
my favorite choice of song.
Randy: No matter what song you choose, you can
Song choice makes a difference. I'm beginning to see La
Toya vs. Diana in two weeks. Speaking of which, Diana
comes out last with "No More Tears." And interesting
contrast, I must say. And this is so much better than
the "come on, y'all!" Diana I'm used to seeing. She's
got the judges grooving. Good sign. Note that shook the
heavens. Good sign. Q singing along. Good sign.
Simon: Undoubtedly the best song of the night.
How you controlled that song in the middle. I have to
give you total respect tonight.
Donna: I think you dedicated yourself to this
song. It was great.
Paula: This was your week.
Randy: Best song of the night.
Mission complete! And show complete! (Q: She knew that
if she didn't pull it together, they were going to send
her fat ass home). Be kind... Okay, tomorrow night, see
Jasmine cry again.
Oh, did that come out loud?