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In the world's ultimate talent search - where the eyes of a nation are upon the best undiscovered singers in the country, where the audience has the power to make or break you, and where a million-dollar recording contract is on the line, there is only one rule: If you can sing it, bring it.

Recaps by Gordon Pepper and Chico Alexander, GSNN

Host: Ryan Seacrest
Judges: Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson
Creator: Simon Fuller (based upon "Pop Idol")
EP: Cecile Frot-Coutaz, Simon Fuller
Packager: 19 Entertainment, FremantleMedia North America
Airs: Tuesdays at 8:00pm ET and Wednesdays at 8:30p ET on FOX

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Web design by Jason Elliott. Logo by Chico Alexander. 

March 1 - Uncut, Uncensored, and Untalented

We interrupt this regularly scheduled talent contest to bring you... well, this.

We all know that "American Idol" is often where you see the pinnacle of undiscovered talent, where the best of the best come to show their stuff, where dreams are made and stars are born.

You won't see any of that today. Instead, we brought back fine specimens of having no pitch, no tone, no range, and no shame. People of Earth, I give you "American Idol: Uncut, Uncensored, and Untalented." Yes, it's a one-hour salute to the people who were a little too advanced, a little too left-field, and, well, to put it succinctly... BAD. You may cower in about 57 minutes, I promise.

Now as you all know, to audition for American Idol, you have to:

1) Find a host city.
2) Camp out a few days in line (Tents optional, but not encouraged by the hardcore fangirls)
2.5) Find a way to kill time.
3) Audition for the producers.
4) Audition for the judges and, to a certain extent, Ryan.
5) Don't be like Keith from last year.

At 4, you begin quivering basket case mode. "The worst thing that could happen is that your life is totally wrecked because you sang badly on this show." Way to pour on the enthusiasm, Simon. After that, Ryan goes over a laundry list of things that you SHOULDN'T do at your audition. Much like the last from the late February WLTI, it reads as follows:

1) Shout.
2) Read your lyrics.
3) Make strange noises.
4) Impersonate. Especially Keith.
5) Forget your lyrics.
6) Sing badly.
7) Never, EVER, close your eyes.

Case in point: Georgina Concepcion, aka Dog Girl from the intro. She has a lot to say and a lot to offer. Doesn't mean that she can sing without the aid of props and/or insanity. She's not that bad, really... but the puppets really suck.

Simon: "What worries me is that I'm tempted to put the dog through." Well, both Georgina and her dog are through. Watching. At least she's no Keneshia Harold. Thank goodness for that. At least she doesn't have a self-confidence problem. Actually, yes she does, but not the ones in the next segment. They all thinks that they are the next American Idol. And yet, none of them made it through. They even butchered "Chains of Love", one of my faves from the late 80s. Now I'm pissed.

Bringing back Martha Krabill, not really that bad, but a little on the jumpy side. And hey, she looks like a girl now. She pins Ryan with some Airborne wings, right before taking the stage for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". Again, not really that bad, but not season three caliber. Very Broadway caliber. Airborne, Martha. Now jump outta here before Paula Fuga has to wail on you. Not unlike her tongue/tonsil/pharynx lashing of "Son of a Preacher Man" in Hawaii. Big girls still rock, as Paula brings Ryan one of her shirts. And yes, she still thinks she should've gone to Hollywood. Well, she's in Hollywood now, so why not vent her anger out in the song she wrote for one big girl and one ukulele.

Right after seeing Joey Wong's uncut footage (hair good, voice bad), we revisit some of Ryan's reactions to some other initial reactions. Some of them were good, others were painful physically (lots of people, lots of hugging), and some were... well...

"That guy can shove it!"
"That guy can shove his crumpets up his (AI logo)."
"(AI logo)"

That just leaves Ryan to be the sole shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately. Especially for Danny Parker, who had the judges in hysterics all through his performance and would personally like an apology. Well, Danny, here you go. Simon?

"Danny, I have to say sorry. Sorry that you came into the audition room and sang out of tune. Sorry that you even entered American Idol, because I had to sit through it. Therefore, I'm sorry. *Pout*"

That's a lot of rage, Danny. But it's put to shame by Lonnie Hightower of the Houston audition, who was pretty good... if you like lounge singing. He's back, be-haired, and chill for the most part, but when he was in Houston... well, you remember his bitchfest. "America, I apologize for that. I was really hurt." He stirs up a more vocally sound rendition of "America the Beautiful", minus some of the showboating tinges we saw from the first time out. Good enough for wild card, at least.

Of course, later that week, we would see that that wasn't the case. And speaking of wild cards, there was a famous one last year that screamed "skinny geeky white boy" but a voice that screamed "Wow." Of course, that was Clay Aiken. We've seen similar voice/body mismatches since (Karmen Varjabedian and Warren White III come to mind, as does last year's Anthony Fitzpatrick). And it's gotten so bad, that Ryan had a little body/voice moment.

Milton Ocampo was weak. Maybe he should've taken lessons from Jackie "Scat Girl" Roman. See list above for what she did exactly. She goes right into her performance of "Neutron Dance". Better than the first time we saw her... but that isn't exactly saying much. At least it wasn't over the top like some of these charade performers, classic examples of overjiggling, overshaking, and overcooking notes.

And then there's one more performance, proof that just because you don't win, doesn't mean you're a loser... I could hardly sum it up myself, so I'll let Mark "Mr. Voice of Fox" Thompson do it.

"Once, an anonymous face in a crowded holding room, this man's life has changed beyond compare. Once, he walked the campus of Berkeley alone. Now, he needs a police escort to make it to his civil engineering classes. Once, merely a number, his name is now legend across the country. Even Jimmy Fallon paid homage to him on Saturday Night Live. He's the latest American singing sensation. His banging puts even Ricky Martin to shame. He is... HUNG."

People of Earth, I give you... William Hung. Ever since the appearance, he has taken little steps toward both improving and girls. We learn that he's still trying to figure out his record deal ("Contracts are very serious deals. They require attention."), that his fans are mainly women, that he wants to research LA air pollution ("I'm struggling through most of the things I do with my life"), and that he is single.

Ladies... you know how we do.

We're all ready to bang, and apparently, so are his flygirls (the first Idol to have fly girls. Wow). After that performance, we're reminded why we love him. Because he's a geek who scored with four groupies.

"She Bangs?" No, William. You bang. You bang, William Hung. Group four tomorrow. Play us out, William.

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