March 1 -
Uncut, Uncensored, and Untalented
We interrupt this regularly
scheduled talent contest to bring you... well, this.
We all know that "American Idol" is often where you see
the pinnacle of undiscovered talent, where the best of
the best come to show their stuff, where dreams are made
and stars are born.
You won't see any of that today. Instead, we brought
back fine specimens of having no pitch, no tone, no
range, and no shame. People of Earth, I give you
"American Idol: Uncut, Uncensored, and Untalented." Yes,
it's a one-hour salute to the people who were a little
too advanced, a little too left-field, and, well, to put
it succinctly... BAD. You may cower in about 57 minutes,
Now as you all know, to audition for American Idol, you
1) Find a host city.
2) Camp out a few days in line (Tents optional, but not
encouraged by the hardcore fangirls)
2.5) Find a way to kill time.
3) Audition for the producers.
4) Audition for the judges and, to a certain extent,
5) Don't be like Keith from last year.
At 4, you begin quivering basket case mode. "The worst
thing that could happen is that your life is totally
wrecked because you sang badly on this show." Way to
pour on the enthusiasm, Simon. After that, Ryan goes
over a laundry list of things that you SHOULDN'T do at
your audition. Much like the last from the late February
WLTI, it reads as follows:
2) Read your lyrics.
3) Make strange noises.
4) Impersonate. Especially Keith.
5) Forget your lyrics.
6) Sing badly.
7) Never, EVER, close your eyes.
Case in point: Georgina Concepcion, aka Dog Girl from
the intro. She has a lot to say and a lot to offer.
Doesn't mean that she can sing without the aid of props
and/or insanity. She's not that bad, really... but the
puppets really suck.
Simon: "What worries me is that I'm tempted to put the
dog through." Well, both Georgina and her dog are
through. Watching. At least she's no Keneshia Harold.
Thank goodness for that. At least she doesn't have a
self-confidence problem. Actually, yes she does, but not
the ones in the next segment. They all thinks that they
are the next American Idol. And yet, none of them made
it through. They even butchered "Chains of Love", one of
my faves from the late 80s. Now I'm pissed.
Bringing back Martha Krabill, not really that bad, but a
little on the jumpy side. And hey, she looks like a girl
now. She pins Ryan with some Airborne wings, right
before taking the stage for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy".
Again, not really that bad, but not season three
caliber. Very Broadway caliber. Airborne, Martha. Now
jump outta here before Paula Fuga has to wail on you.
Not unlike her tongue/tonsil/pharynx lashing of "Son of
a Preacher Man" in Hawaii. Big girls still rock, as
Paula brings Ryan one of her shirts. And yes, she still
thinks she should've gone to Hollywood. Well, she's in
Hollywood now, so why not vent her anger out in the song
she wrote for one big girl and one ukulele.
Right after seeing Joey Wong's uncut footage (hair good,
voice bad), we revisit some of Ryan's reactions to some
other initial reactions. Some of them were good, others
were painful physically (lots of people, lots of
hugging), and some were... well...
"That guy can shove it!"
"That guy can shove his crumpets up his (AI logo)."
That just leaves Ryan to be the sole shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately. Especially for Danny Parker, who had the
judges in hysterics all through his performance and
would personally like an apology. Well, Danny, here you
"Danny, I have to say sorry. Sorry that you came into
the audition room and sang out of tune. Sorry that you
even entered American Idol, because I had to sit through
it. Therefore, I'm sorry. *Pout*"
That's a lot of rage, Danny. But it's put to shame by
Lonnie Hightower of the Houston audition, who was pretty
good... if you like lounge singing. He's back,
be-haired, and chill for the most part, but when he was
in Houston... well, you remember his bitchfest.
"America, I apologize for that. I was really hurt." He
stirs up a more vocally sound rendition of "America the
Beautiful", minus some of the showboating tinges we saw
from the first time out. Good enough for wild card, at
Of course, later that week, we would see that that
wasn't the case. And speaking of wild cards, there was a
famous one last year that screamed "skinny geeky white
boy" but a voice that screamed "Wow." Of course, that
was Clay Aiken. We've seen similar voice/body mismatches
since (Karmen Varjabedian and Warren White III come to
mind, as does last year's Anthony Fitzpatrick). And it's
gotten so bad, that Ryan had a little body/voice moment.
Milton Ocampo was weak. Maybe he should've taken lessons
from Jackie "Scat Girl" Roman. See list above for what
she did exactly. She goes right into her performance of
"Neutron Dance". Better than the first time we saw
her... but that isn't exactly saying much. At least it
wasn't over the top like some of these charade
performers, classic examples of overjiggling,
overshaking, and overcooking notes.
And then there's one more performance, proof that just
because you don't win, doesn't mean you're a loser... I
could hardly sum it up myself, so I'll let Mark "Mr.
Voice of Fox" Thompson do it.
"Once, an anonymous face in a crowded holding room, this
man's life has changed beyond compare. Once, he walked
the campus of Berkeley alone. Now, he needs a police
escort to make it to his civil engineering classes.
Once, merely a number, his name is now legend across the
country. Even Jimmy Fallon paid homage to him on
Saturday Night Live. He's the latest American singing
sensation. His banging puts even Ricky Martin to shame.
He is... HUNG."
People of Earth, I give you... William Hung. Ever since
the appearance, he has taken little steps toward both
improving and girls. We learn that he's still trying to
figure out his record deal ("Contracts are very serious
deals. They require attention."), that his fans are
mainly women, that he wants to research LA air pollution
("I'm struggling through most of the things I do with my
life"), and that he is single.
Ladies... you know how we do.
We're all ready to bang, and apparently, so are his
flygirls (the first Idol to have fly girls. Wow). After
that performance, we're reminded why we love him.
Because he's a geek who scored with four groupies.
"She Bangs?" No, William. You bang. You bang, William
Hung. Group four tomorrow. Play us out, William.