ARCHIVES: Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People
Hot or not? That is the question.

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One question: Are you hot? America is split into four Hot Zones, with the hottest man and woman advancing to the final round. Hottest hotties win $50,000, a trip to Tahiti, and ... yeah, that's pretty much it.

Recaps by Gordon Pepper (men) and Chico Alexander (women), GSNN


FACT FILE:
Airdate:
February-March 2003, ABC
Host:
JD Roberto
Judges: Randolph Duke, Rachel Hunter, Lorenzo Lamas
Creator: Mike Fleiss
EP: Mike Fleiss
Packager: NEXT Entertainment, Telepictures Prods.


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Hot Zone 1

This show has already gone through it's share of controversy with us writers - and it was before the start of the season. This was originally supposed to be a starting joint effort for the new people - Ryan Vickers and Jennifer Campbell. This would be their first cooperative effort, and I figured that it would be a fun way for them to enjoy a silly show.

It's funny how the best laid plans sometimes go horrifically awry.

Ryan, who was offended by the concept of the show (and I expect that many more people than Ryan were) asked to be let off from covering the show. I had no problem with that, since 1. I don't want anyone covering something that they are not happy with, and 2. That means that I get to ogle the girls =).

Or at least I thought that was going to happen, until I got this from Jennifer -

I watched Hot or Not. Help me, I'm intelligent, let me off this crappy TV show. Please. This is not worth space reviewing. If you insist I will try but it is one of the dumbest things I have seen. I can critique it instead of recap it but it's a waste of time to watch.

First, Lamas as a judge? Why? Because he's bedded so many women? It's a direct copy of American Idol but there the judges do have some credentials. I know Paula Abdul (in Idol) is questionable but she has been in the music industry. There is no criteria for sex appeal? If this was a super model contest I could almost buy it but with someone else as a judge. I got sick looking at the leers on Lamas' face. Also, since they divide the contest by sexes, there should be equal representation of sexes on the panel. I don't know if (Randolph) Duke is gay but is he supposed to represent both sexes?


So after one episode, I lose both of my writers. I can't say that I blame them - I saw this show and it is, for lack of a better word, grotesque. But it is a reality show and the show has to be covered. My good old buddy Chico volunteered to cover the show - but only if he covers the women. I am forced to agree, and I get stuck covering the guys. The things that I do for my gaming fans.

There are four 'Hot Zones'. Each zone is representing a part of the United States. We start with 8 guys and 8 women - and the judges will narrow it down to 4 guys and 4 women. After the show, you the public, will vote for the hottest man and woman left, and those people will face off against the other Hot Zone winners in the finals.

One of the 'Expert' Judges is indeed the aforementioned Lorenzo Lamas. Joining him as the Paul Abdul clone is international cover model Rachel Hunter. The third member in the group is master Fashion Designer Randolph Duke. Huh? I may have to agree with Jennifer in terms of someone who covers both sexes.

But let's go back to actually covering the show. We start this off by the 'parade of meat' - people are walking out and the judges decide if they are 'Hot' or' Not'. The audience cheers or boos, depending on who they like. The three judges decide if you are hot or not. If you are hot, you get to continue - if you are not, then you go home. This is about as ego destroying as it gets.

After the original cut off, we are going to see the people in their bathing suits. But not before we see testimonials of the people deemed not hot, or the 'Hot/Not Casualty.'

This comes from George. 'I was working out, spending all that time in the gym for nothing, just to get to this...Im going to have to pick my pride off the floor, suck it in a little bit and go home.' He was tearing when he said this.

So was Bettina. 'I know I'm hot...all the guys love me and that's the only thing that matters.' She is wiping her eyes with a tissue. This is utterly pathetic.

Next round - we get to see 8 men and women. They will be judged on face, body and sex appeal. The four highest ranking guys and girls advance to the internet voting part of the competition. Chico will be covering the women, while I will be covering the guys.

The first guy that comes out is Sean Cassidy, a 21 year old student from Philadelphia. He is very chiseled on the top - perhaps too chiseled.
Lorenzo -Face - 8.9, Body 8.7 (you could do a few less bench presses, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 5, (Too ape/gorilla looking), Sex Appeal - 7
Randolph - Face - 8.5, Body 7.5 (The skinny legs don't fit the body), Sex Appeal - 6.
Total = 24.9 + 21 + 22 = 67.9 points.

The second guy is a 22 year old student from Indiana - Jermaine Johnson. He is African American, and also like Sean, has a very chiseled upper body while almost paying no attention to the legs, to the border of negligence.
Randolph - The legs are a little skinny for the upper body Face - 7.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Rachel - Face - 8.5, Body (He's got chicken legs but I bet he can work them out) - 8, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Total = 23.5 + 23.5 + 28 = 75 points

Guy #3 - Jonathan Webber - a 25 year old personal trainer from Westwood, New Jersey. He has the same name as a player who played for the College of New Jersey's basketball team - I wonder if he's the same person. Why would I care? Because The College of New Jersey is my Alma Mater (Go Lions!)
Lorenzo - Body - 10, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Randolph - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total = 29.3 + 28.8 + 27 = 85.1 points

Guy #4 - An 18 year old landscaper from Minnesota, Bobby Blanksy. He's built, but waifish compared to the other 3 guys.
Lorenzo - Body - 8 (The attitude needs to improve...You need to come out here and own the stage for the sex appeal), Sex Appeal - 7, Face - 9
Randolph - Body - 8, Face - 7.5 (the smile draws the attention from the tapping feet) Sex Appeal - 5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal (Bobby tries to be cutesy with Rachel - 'Rachel, I hear you don't like pretty faces - how do you handle your own?' It doesn't work 'I'll try to be lady-like...') - 2. Bobby gets booed off of the stage.
Total = 24 + 20.5 + 20.5 = 65 points

Guy #5 - A 23 year old consultant from Chicago Illinois, Ken Kim. He is Asian with a surfer build and a slanted new wave hair cut.
Lorenzo - (The hair is bothering me...you have a great smile - don't let the hair cover it up) Face - 9.1, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Randolph - (Let the hair come down on your face a bit...I love the look of the hair) Face - 8.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 7.0
Total - 27.9 + 26.4 + 24 = 78.3 points

Guy #6 - A 24 year old substitute teacher from Chicago - Roderick McClay. Roderick has a 70's style afro, with a cut off t-short and shorts with a teddy bear in the pocket. He eventually will rip the t-shirt off, but comparing the body to the physiques of the other contestants, he may have been better off keeping it on. The audience wants to boo him off the stage, Roderick is asking the judges to give him a chance.
Randolph - (You got a great face...it's an average body) Face - 8.5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - (I'm going to take off some points for the over-attitude - the teddy bear's got to go) Sex Appeal - 7
Rachel - (I love your hair - its' really crazy and cool) Face - 8, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 22.5 + 23 + 27.8 = 73.3 points

Guy #7 - A 22 year old aspiring model from Rahway New Jersey, Travis Bowie. Travis looks like he's the most well-rounded, in terms of the body.
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8 (Then Travis wiggles his booty at Rachel and she gives him a 9)
Lorenzo - Body - 10, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - Face - 10, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 26.5 + 28.5 + 28.9 = 83.9 points

Guy #8 - A 24 year old design engineer from Illinois, Kevin Bessel. A bit too much poundage, and he has teeth that look like Frankenstein's. Randolph (You have a good face - you need to get your teeth fixed) Face - 8, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 7
Rachel - Face - 8, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Body - 9.5, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Total - 24 + 23.9 + 27.5 = 75.5 points

According to my math, the 4 guys that should be moving on are Jonathan (Possible CNJ Alumni), Travis (Booty Bouncer), Ken (Asian Surfer), and Kevin (Bad Teeth Boy) by a slight margin over Jermaine. And I'm right. We'll see if Kevin gets a shot to fix his teeth for the semifinals, but I'm guessing either Jonathan and Travis will advance.

My take? This show is a 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' show; it is so horrifically bad that it is almost compelling to watch. This has traces of the $1.98 Beauty Show - but the problem here is that they take themselves much too seriously.

Would the American public watch this? I have no clue on this one. This is horrible, but I am sure it would attract people who would not be part of the CSI crowd and I could see this being a cult show for the college crowd - and that's definitely the target that ABC is going after. So time will tell on this one - but me and Chico will be covering this for you so you can know what happens without having to admit that you are a fan of this.


Hot Zone 2

We will start off by wrapping up last week - Jonathan (from My Alma Mater) and Ken (Asian) was not hot enough, so Travis (Mr High Score) and Kevin (Bad Teeth) move on. Those are you're Northeasterners - we will now meet the Southeasterners this week.

And we do get to meet the 8 male qualifiers after the traditional parade of meat. Memorable non-qualifier quote of the week? 'My dream is gone.' from loser Rob. That's pretty sad if that's your dream.

But enough about him - we are up to the 8 guys for this week.

Guy #1 - A 26 year old Sales Manager from Stone Mountain Georgia, John Buchanan. He's very waifish and he has a receding hairline.
Randolph apparently is not attracted - Face - 5.1 (We are doing the sexiest man in America - let's get tough) Body - 5 (You're pretty thin) Sex Appeal - 4.9
Rachel - Face - 4.9, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 2
Lorenzo - Face - 6.7, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 6
Total - 15 + 13.9 + 19.7 = 48.6 Points. OUCH.

Guy #2 - A 26 year old student from Atlanta, Georgia, Ryan Hires. Very developed, and a big hit with the ladies. Randolph - (Let's make this quick, there's not a lot to critique here) Face - 9.5 , Body 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - Face - 9.2, Body - 10, Sex Appeal (I like the sweetness that's coming out behind those eyes) - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 28 + 28.7 + 28.3 = 85 points

Guy #3 - A 31 year old clinical exercise specialist, from St Petersburg Florida, Troy Taylor. He's an African American with bright blonde hair, which may be like that to also cover a receding hairline.'I want to bring the house down, definitely.'
Randolph - The bathing suit is way too bright - and so is your hair. Face - 6.5, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Rachel - (The hair really distracts everything else you have up there) Face - 6, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 6
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 24.4 + 21.5 + 27.4 = 73.3 points

Guy #4 - A 29 year old bartender from Miami, Florida, Luciano Costa. 'I'm broke, and I need the money.' well, there are other things that you can do for that - like see most of the people on the street after the show...
Lorenzo - Face - 9.2, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 8.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - 'What do you have under those trunks?' Luciano turns around and pulls down his trunks to reveal a G-String and a 'Too Hot!' caption covering his fanny. 'It looks like Randolph is now changing his scores' says the host, and it looks like he is. Face - 9.5, Body - 'With a butt like that, you got a 9.9', Sex Appeal - 9.5. Note to Luciano : All you have to do is go to Randolph's dressing room after the show and your financial problems may be solved.
Total - 27.5 + 26 + 28.9 = 82.4 points

Guy #5 - A 29 year old engineering manager from Georgia, John King. Damn, he's chiseled - from the top, anyways. The legs are scrawny.
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - Face - 7, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 7
Randolph - 'You've a very brave man to be wearing a Speedo - we have not seen one yet.' Rachel - 'You've been wanting one.' OUCH. That gets a death stare from Randolph and more snickers from Chico. Face - 6.5, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 7.9. The audience's favorite does not get the favorite scores, and the judges get booed.
Total - 26.5 + 23 + 24.3 = 73.8 points

Guy #6 - An 18 year old Club Promoter from Westin, Florida, Kevin Peete. Randolph - Cool it on the pecs, they're definitely done. Face - 8.9 Body - 8.5 - The hooters are just too big Sex Appeal - 8.7
Rachel - Face - There's just something going on with the hair that could be shorter - Face - 8.5, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Lorenzo - You are so calm and confident for your age, it's blowing my mind. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5. Total - 26.1 + 26.3 + 28.5 = 80.9 points

Guy #7 - A 29 year old Marketing Consultant from Atlanta, Georgia, Jameel. We don't get a last name, and his body is not nearly as defined as the other contestants.
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - I think you've got a really cool look, a really sexy look. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex appeal - 9.7
Randolph - A little mystery goes a long way - Face - 8.5, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27 + 28.7 + 25.6 = 81.3 points

Guy #8 - A 34 year old photographer from Miami, Florida - Rick Velour. The ladies seem to make him the second favorite.
Lorenzo - You got it all going on, man - Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.7
Randolph - You have a kind of mystery about you that is very sexy...and there is a nice thing about not knowing what's underneath your shorts. Face - 8.9, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 26.5 + 27.7 + 26 = 80.2 points.

According to my math, Ryan, Luciano, Jameel and Kevin get in, which means that the 2 African-Americans that the ladies loved stay out. Racism! None of the African-Americans from last week get in, and only one of them get in this week. Could this be a beginning of a very disturbing trend? We'll find out in a week or so...


Hot Zone 3

If I was the head ABC honcho, I would save the people who move on from last week until the end of the show, but I'm not, so we'll get to find this stuff out now. Our 2 winners for this section are Ryan and Kevin. Luciano and Jameel are not hot enough to advance, and I will spare you all of any Randolph and Luciano jokes that i may have formulating in my twisted little skull.

But enough about them - let's go to the Northwest. We start with the traditional parade of meat until we are left with our final 8 Northwesterners. Stupid Hot/Not Casualty quote? We don't get one. we just see the guy sniffling at the screen. Sheesh.

Guy #1 - A 20 year old sales associate, from Bellevue, Washington. Brandle Kimble 'I'm going to go out there like a tiger.' Are the judges purring or growling?
Randolph - You've got very strong, features - everything is angular...and hard.' Face - 8.1, Body - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 8.1.
Lorenzo - Body - 8, Face, 9, 'And because you're having such a good time', Sex Appeal 8.5
Rachel correctly deduces that he plucks his eyebrow. 'It would be tragic if he came across here with just one eyebrow.' Face - 8.9, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 8.2
Total - 24.1 + 25.5 + 26 = 75.6 points

Guy #2 - A 32 year old firefighter from Washington, Eric Watson, he shaved his legs and walks and poses like a girl He's even got braids.
Lorenzo - Body - 9, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.4
Rachel - 'He's got an amazing face, but whats with the Milli-Vanilli hair?' Face - 8, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Randolph - 'I'm not getting Milli Vanilli, I'm getting Bo Derek'. Face - 8.9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.9 I think Randolph found his new Luciano.
Total - 27.4 + 25.9 + 28.7 = 82 points.

Guy #3 - A 27 year old from aspiring model from Seattle, Washington, Rob Conell. 'I have to do my thing to make myself stand out.' With a disheveled afro puff hairstyle, goofy jewelry and large beige shorts, This makes the guy with the teddy bear in episode 1 look good.
Randolph - 'You made your choices with the jewelry and those shipwrecked Gilligan's Island shorts - Face - 7.9, Body - 7.3, Sex Appeal - 7.9
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - 'If you are going to move on to the next level, you are going to have to gain at least 15 pounds, bro' Body - 7, Face - 8, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 23.1 + 26.3 + 23 = 72.4 points. He is not advancing to the next round.

Guy #4 - A 24 year old student from Denver, Colorado, Billy Van Heusel. 'I'll be here in the next round' If the other contestants are like Rob, you could be.
Randolph loves the face and has Billy give a side profile, which Billy does - and he sticks out a large long tongue. 'With a tongue like that, 9.5 for the face.' And all of a sudden, Eric is quickly forgotten. Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5.
Rachel likes the tongue. - Face - 9.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - Sex Appeal - 9.5, Face - 9, Body - 9
Totals - 27.5 + 27.5 + 27.5 = 82.5 points. Billy can back up his talk - he is a virtual shoo-in.

Guy #5 - A 24 year old sales associate from Washington, Morgan Brown. 'I'm hungry. A lot of people aren't hungry. I'm hungry - I want this bad.'Is he too hungry?
Rachel - 'Sometimes I feel like you're a psycho-killer because you have there really scary eyes. Face - 7.9 (and lots of boos) Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 8.9, Body - 8.7, Sex Appeal - 8.7
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 25.8 + 25.3 + 26.5 = 77.6 points.

Guy #6 - A 22 year old student from Seattle, Washington, Tony Mayer. Tony doesn't want the judges to just look at his biceps, trust me, they won't be.
Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'I like your head' Ahhhhem. Face - 9.1, Body - 9.6, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph wants a close up on the stomach. He asks if he's going for a 10 pack. Tony 'I'm just so tall that They gave me an extra 2'. Randolph 'Is there anywhere else where they gave you an extra 2?' Tony stares down. Face - 9.1, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.3
Total = 27 + 27.7 + 28.2 = 82.9 Points.

Guy #7 - A 25 year old loan officer from Woodenville, Washington, Shipley Ettis. 'I have the animal inside - if it comes out, then it comes out.' The animal is apparently a pussycat, since he doesn't say anything when he's out there.
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5, Body - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Randolph - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 28 + 28 + 27.4 = 83.4 points.

Guy #8 - A 33 year old Mortgage Broker from Seattle, Washington, Scott Milligan. 'I'm not going to be cocky or arrogant - I'm going to bo confident, but not overconfident.
Lorenzo. 'Kind of a hang dog face going on there.' Face - 9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'I wish you'd be a little bit more on the sex appeal - Body - 9.5, Face - 8.3, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 26.7 + 25.8 + 26.9 = 79.4 points.
So far, 80+ is good and 79.9 and under is bad. We hold form, this week, as the 4 people with 80 plus points move on - they are Eric, Billy, Tony and Shipley. We'll see who makes the top 2 - and who the California people are in the Southwest Zone next week.


Hot Zone 4

We are in week 4 of this zaniness, and perhaps the most interesting one for Chico - I wish they all could be Califrnia girls! As for me? I just get stuck with the Randolph jokes.

But before the Randolph jokes, we have some wrapping up to do. The bald Tony and the funky-accented Shipley advance to the next round. We now have 6 guys who were deemed hot by the 30 or so American people who voted in.

There are 2 more slots that need to be filled in - so lets fill them in. We get our 8 guys after he get the obnoxious intro of everyone thinking that they are hot and the gratuitous parade of meat.

I don't want to have an East Coast bias here, but I think half of these guys should be walking out in the second round with paper bags over their heads. Yeccccch.

Of course, the faces are not the only thing that the judges are looking for. They want a nice body, they want some nice sex appeal, and Randolph wants some phone numbers. Did I say that? I guess I did...

Guy #1 - A 19 year old waiter from California, Jason Blair. He has no body tone or development whatsoever. Lorenzo - 'The comedy club's down the street...I just want to look at you and laugh.' Face - 8, Vody - 8, Sex Appeal - 8.5 Mercy numbers.
Rachel wants the shell necklace off. 'It seems like you've been smoking a bit.' Face - 7.5, Body - 6.9, Sex Appeal - 6.5
Randolph - Face - 7.9, Body - 6.5, Sex Appeal - 7. And no phone numbers.
Total - 24.5 + 20.9 + 21.4 = 65.9 points.

Guy #2 - A 26 year old high school teacher from California, David Maxwell. 'If I advance, it would be great and I'd love it.'
Randolph - He turns David around to show uds some back hair. Ewwwwwww. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5 - Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - 'You're a great looking guy' Face - 9.8, Body -10, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Rachel - '10, 10 and 10'. David has earned Randolph's phone number - as well as Rachel's phone number.
Total - 28.5 + 29.7 + 30 88.2 pointa. Far and away the highest guy score ever.

Guy #3 - A 28 year old Kickboxing Instructor from Dallas, Texas, Andre Segoway. One of the faces that we need to see covered. Actually, cover all of him in a paper bag.
Lorenzo - Face - 7.5, Body - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 7.6.
Rachel - Face - 7.9, Body - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 7.6
Lorenzo - Face - 7.5, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 23 + 23.4 + 23.5 = 69.9 points

Guy #4 - A 29 year old entrepeneur, from San Diego, California, Domenic Ricci. His nipple is pierced, and so is his brain.
Lorenze - Body - 9.5, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel loves his eyes - Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.2, Face - 9.7
Randolph - You've got the Tom Cruise thing going on' No comment. Face - 9.6, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9
Total = 27.5 + 27.9 + 27.8 = 83.2 points

Guy #5 - A 29 year old Tae Kwon Do Instructor from California, Anton Kesselhoff. Is it just me, or do the instructors look like they've banged their heads on boards just one too many times?
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.6
Rachel - Face - 9.7, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.7
Randolph - 'They need to cast you in the next Bond film because you look like a Russian Spy.' Face - 9.3, Body - 8.7, Sex Appeal - 8.6
Total - 26.6 + 27.4 + 26.6 = 80.6 points

Guy #6 - A 22 year old bartender from San Diego, California, Dylan Bruce. He's a little confident, bordering on arrogance, which impresses Lorenzo but pisses Raldolph off.
Randolph - Face - 9.1, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 8.3
Rachel - Face - 9.7, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.4 - Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 26.7 + 29.1 + 28.4 = 84.2 points

Guy #7 - A 24 year old retail manager from San Diego, California, Jimmy Rogo. A blonde surfer. Duuuuude!
Randolph - 'I didn't know that cro magnon surfed.' Face - 9.5, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Rachel - Face - 9.4, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Lorenzo - Face - 9.7, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 28.2 + 28.1 + 28.5 = 84.7 points

Guy #8 - A 28 year old from San Diego, California, Cheval Ford. He wants to enjoy life. Maybe the judges will help.
Lorenzxe - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'Your teeth are just a little bit bucked. Face - 8.9, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 8, Body, 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Cheval's reaction? 8's are real good. Not against this group, they aren't.
Total - 27 + 25.8 + 26.4 =79.3 points


For the first time in thois show, a guy with 80 points is not going to get in. Anton is so close, but not close enough and he's out. David, Domenic, Dylan and Jimmy advance. I'm guessing that Davifd and Domenic move on - but you don't get to decide. 'Because of current events, our Hot Zone 4 semi-finalists will be judged by our expert scorers.' Expert events, or pitiful voting turnout? We'll let the viewer decide that. And we'll see if you agree or disagree with what happens on next week's show.


FINALS

So we're here for the semi-finals and finals...BUT FIRST - we need to see who the guys from the Southwest are. Those 2 people are Jimmy the surfer dude and David the bald African American dude.

We are down to the final 8 - and now the competitor has to make a declaration of hotness - to do or say whatever it takses to show that they are the sexiest people in America. Ugh.

According to JD, due to current events (and/or lousy ratings, take your pick), the contest will no longer be interactive - it will be down to the three judges (AKA, since this sucks, let's just finidh this and get this over with for the 12 or 13 people who are still actually watching this who don't have to recap it).

We start off with Kevin from Miami. He comes out in black trunks. His declaration is that he's ambitious and goal oriented. Yawwwwwwwn. Lorenzo asks what it would do to him if he won. Yawwwwwwwn. Rachel wants him to shrink the boobs and nipples and Randolph notices that he added some oil to his body. No scores apply to any of the contestants. This is so brutally sad.

Ryan is next - and he says that 'if the face and the body got me here so far, I'm hoping that I can throw in the personality.' Lorenzo thinks he's got it all going on, Rachel thinks that he's too clean, and Randolph thinks that he looks like Clark Kent.

#3 - Tony - and he wonders if this is how a celebrity is treated like. He says he's confident, but not cocky. Randolph wants him to have more fun, Rachel likes his body and ears, and Lorenzo would like to see his hair grow out instead of his current bald physique.

Contestant #4 - David, who got three 10's straight across the board from Rachel the first time out. Randolph says that it's all about him, Rachel thinks that he has the package, while Lorenzo was impressed that he wouldn't quit teaching if he won.

Contestant #5 - Jimmy the surfer dude. 'I declare that I thought that I never had to make a declaration of hotness.' Rachel thinks he's average, Lorenzo says the lacksidasical attitude is a plus, and Randolph says that the same attitude could mbe a minus. Hmmm...

Contestant #6 - Travis, who points to ihis heart and says that's where his declaration of hotness is. Randolph says that there's nothing to criticize. Rachel is not nuts about the top cut, and Lorenzo is impressed with his attitude.

Contestant #7 - Shipley, who's hoping that his personality shines through. Lorenzo thinks that he has it all together, Racvhel thinks that his boobs are too big and Randolph thinks that he's real. You can pretty much take Randolph's commentsa and interchange them with each of the male contestants.

Contestant #8 - Kevin Bessel- he of the bad teeth. Is his teeth any better? He shows us his back. Randolph tells him to smile - and his teeth still suck. Rachel brings that out. His response? 'It isn't are you Perfect - it's are you hot?' Kevin, we knew you well, but you're done.

So who moves on to the Finals? We get the final parade of meat. Tony walks out - and gets the NOT sign. Travis goes out and gets the HOT sign, so he's one of the finalists. Jimmy the Surfer boy is HOT, so he is the second finalist. Ryan from Georgia takes his Southern accent home with him - he's gone.

Kevin P. starts the second half - of the rejects. He's out of the competition. He is joined with Kevin of the bad teeth. According to my math, that means that the last 2 guys - David and Shipley are finalists - and they are.

So we're down to our final 4 - Travis, Jimmy, David and Shipley. Now if t was just the judges, then your winner will be David. But we'll see next week after you the people vote....you mean the finals is now? You mean that it is all up to the judged? You mean that it's not live? Oh, well then I guess i'll cover it now and get the pain over with...

JD already starts with the scores have already been tallied - and the highest scores in the semi-finals determine the winners. So what's the point of this show? The winnners split a $100,000 prize (which is big money talk for $50,000 each), - and they get a visit to Tahiti, but JD says that the exposure from the show will change them forever. WHAT exposure? The exposure of a Saturday night airing? Yeah, ok. You can tell that this was all taped out in advance. The quicker this debacle runs, the better.

We get a montage of the contestants road to hotness. I really hope that this is not a full hour of futility. This is worse than American Idol. Yuuuuuck.

Here come the finalists. We'll find out who gets eliminated first after the break. What's the point? I mean, there's nothing that these people can do - the scores have already been decided. SPACE FILLER TIme - which will make my job of recapping really really easy.

Next we go to..the PERSONAL MONTAGES!!!! And we see the relatives of the people out in the audience. They asked all of the judges who they thought the lowest semifinalist was. They all said Shipley. D'oh! Not a lot of supense here, folks. Shipley is gone. He gets buzzed, shakes JD's hand, and he get to see another Sihpley montage. We're not too desperate for filler stuff, are we, folks?

We are down to the final three. The next person to be out is Jimmy the surfer boy. Duuuuude - Booooogus. Jimmy crashed and burned. He's happy that he gets to see the women and we see the dumb Jimmy moments.

We are down to David and Travis. One of them is walking off with $50,000 - and I think that it's Daid the perfect 10. Both contestants stand over a mini hot/not sign. The person who's HOT sign lights up is the winner. The winner....and hottest man....is......





ME!!!! Thanks you thank you, all! Than....You mean it's not me? Oh, ok, fine. The real winner is...





DAVID MAXWELL!!! He is the hottest man in America and his friends celebrate as the teacher wins $50,000. The judges give him a standing ovation, and that's a wrap.

My take? Awful. Mommy, please make the scary thing go away. I can't possibly see this thing going another season. Listen, TV execs, before you take something from the internet and make a show out of it, PLEASE make sure that there is a good idea behind it. They haven't yet, and this one is a continuation of garbage. This internet show needs to make a permanent log off.

NOW THE WOMEN...

 

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