show has already gone through it's share of controversy
with us writers - and it was before the start of the
season. This was originally supposed to be a starting
joint effort for the new people - Ryan Vickers and
Jennifer Campbell. This would be their first cooperative
effort, and I figured that it would be a fun way for
them to enjoy a silly show.
It's funny how the best laid plans sometimes go
Ryan, who was offended by the concept of the show (and I
expect that many more people than Ryan were) asked to be
let off from covering the show. I had no problem with
that, since 1. I don't want anyone covering something
that they are not happy with, and 2. That means that I
get to ogle the girls =).
Or at least I thought that was going to happen, until I
got this from Jennifer -
I watched Hot or Not. Help me, I'm intelligent, let
me off this crappy TV show. Please. This is not worth
space reviewing. If you insist I will try but it is one
of the dumbest things I have seen. I can critique it
instead of recap it but it's a waste of time to watch.
First, Lamas as a judge? Why? Because he's bedded so
many women? It's a direct copy of American Idol but
there the judges do have some credentials. I know Paula
Abdul (in Idol) is questionable but she has been in the
music industry. There is no criteria for sex appeal? If
this was a super model contest I could almost buy it but
with someone else as a judge. I got sick looking at the
leers on Lamas' face. Also, since they divide the
contest by sexes, there should be equal representation
of sexes on the panel. I don't know if (Randolph) Duke
is gay but is he supposed to represent both sexes?
So after one episode, I lose both of my writers. I can't
say that I blame them - I saw this show and it is, for
lack of a better word, grotesque. But it is a reality
show and the show has to be covered. My good old buddy
Chico volunteered to cover the show - but only if he
covers the women. I am forced to agree, and I get stuck
covering the guys. The things that I do for my gaming
There are four 'Hot Zones'. Each zone is representing a
part of the United States. We start with 8 guys and 8
women - and the judges will narrow it down to 4 guys and
4 women. After the show, you the public, will vote for
the hottest man and woman left, and those people will
face off against the other Hot Zone winners in the
One of the 'Expert' Judges is indeed the aforementioned
Lorenzo Lamas. Joining him as the Paul Abdul clone is
international cover model Rachel Hunter. The third
member in the group is master Fashion Designer Randolph
Duke. Huh? I may have to agree with Jennifer in terms of
someone who covers both sexes.
But let's go back to actually covering the show. We
start this off by the 'parade of meat' - people are
walking out and the judges decide if they are 'Hot' or'
Not'. The audience cheers or boos, depending on who they
like. The three judges decide if you are hot or not. If
you are hot, you get to continue - if you are not, then
you go home. This is about as ego destroying as it gets.
After the original cut off, we are going to see the
people in their bathing suits. But not before we see
testimonials of the people deemed not hot, or the
This comes from George. 'I was working out, spending all
that time in the gym for nothing, just to get to this...Im
going to have to pick my pride off the floor, suck it in
a little bit and go home.' He was tearing when he said
So was Bettina. 'I know I'm hot...all the guys love me
and that's the only thing that matters.' She is wiping
her eyes with a tissue. This is utterly pathetic.
Next round - we get to see 8 men and women. They will be
judged on face, body and sex appeal. The four highest
ranking guys and girls advance to the internet voting
part of the competition. Chico will be covering the
women, while I will be covering the guys.
The first guy that comes out is Sean Cassidy, a 21 year
old student from Philadelphia. He is very chiseled on
the top - perhaps too chiseled.
Lorenzo -Face - 8.9, Body 8.7 (you could do a few less
bench presses, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 5, (Too ape/gorilla looking),
Sex Appeal - 7
Randolph - Face - 8.5, Body 7.5 (The skinny legs don't
fit the body), Sex Appeal - 6.
Total = 24.9 + 21 + 22 = 67.9 points.
The second guy is a 22 year old student from Indiana -
Jermaine Johnson. He is African American, and also like
Sean, has a very chiseled upper body while almost paying
no attention to the legs, to the border of negligence.
Randolph - The legs are a little skinny for the upper
body Face - 7.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Rachel - Face - 8.5, Body (He's got chicken legs but I
bet he can work them out) - 8, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Total = 23.5 + 23.5 + 28 = 75 points
Guy #3 - Jonathan Webber - a 25 year old personal
trainer from Westwood, New Jersey. He has the same name
as a player who played for the College of New Jersey's
basketball team - I wonder if he's the same person. Why
would I care? Because The College of New Jersey is my
Alma Mater (Go Lions!)
Lorenzo - Body - 10, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Randolph - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total = 29.3 + 28.8 + 27 = 85.1 points
Guy #4 - An 18 year old landscaper from Minnesota, Bobby
Blanksy. He's built, but waifish compared to the other 3
Lorenzo - Body - 8 (The attitude needs to improve...You
need to come out here and own the stage for the sex
appeal), Sex Appeal - 7, Face - 9
Randolph - Body - 8, Face - 7.5 (the smile draws the
attention from the tapping feet) Sex Appeal - 5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal (Bobby tries
to be cutesy with Rachel - 'Rachel, I hear you don't
like pretty faces - how do you handle your own?' It
doesn't work 'I'll try to be lady-like...') - 2. Bobby
gets booed off of the stage.
Total = 24 + 20.5 + 20.5 = 65 points
Guy #5 - A 23 year old consultant from Chicago Illinois,
Ken Kim. He is Asian with a surfer build and a slanted
new wave hair cut.
Lorenzo - (The hair is bothering me...you have a great
smile - don't let the hair cover it up) Face - 9.1, Body
- 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 7.5
Randolph - (Let the hair come down on your face a
bit...I love the look of the hair) Face - 8.5, Body -
8.5, Sex Appeal - 7.0
Total - 27.9 + 26.4 + 24 = 78.3 points
Guy #6 - A 24 year old substitute teacher from Chicago -
Roderick McClay. Roderick has a 70's style afro, with a
cut off t-short and shorts with a teddy bear in the
pocket. He eventually will rip the t-shirt off, but
comparing the body to the physiques of the other
contestants, he may have been better off keeping it on.
The audience wants to boo him off the stage, Roderick is
asking the judges to give him a chance.
Randolph - (You got a great face...it's an average body)
Face - 8.5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - (I'm going to take
off some points for the over-attitude - the teddy bear's
got to go) Sex Appeal - 7
Rachel - (I love your hair - its' really crazy and cool)
Face - 8, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 22.5 + 23 + 27.8 = 73.3 points
Guy #7 - A 22 year old aspiring model from Rahway New
Jersey, Travis Bowie. Travis looks like he's the most
well-rounded, in terms of the body.
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8 (Then
Travis wiggles his booty at Rachel and she gives him a
Lorenzo - Body - 10, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - Face - 10, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 26.5 + 28.5 + 28.9 = 83.9 points
Guy #8 - A 24 year old design engineer from Illinois,
Kevin Bessel. A bit too much poundage, and he has teeth
that look like Frankenstein's. Randolph (You have a good
face - you need to get your teeth fixed) Face - 8, Body
- 9, Sex Appeal - 7
Rachel - Face - 8, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 7
Lorenzo - Body - 9.5, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Total - 24 + 23.9 + 27.5 = 75.5 points
According to my math, the 4 guys that should be moving
on are Jonathan (Possible CNJ Alumni), Travis (Booty
Bouncer), Ken (Asian Surfer), and Kevin (Bad Teeth Boy)
by a slight margin over Jermaine. And I'm right. We'll
see if Kevin gets a shot to fix his teeth for the
semifinals, but I'm guessing either Jonathan and Travis
My take? This show is a 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' show;
it is so horrifically bad that it is almost compelling
to watch. This has traces of the $1.98 Beauty Show - but
the problem here is that they take themselves much too
Would the American public watch this? I have no clue on
this one. This is horrible, but I am sure it would
attract people who would not be part of the CSI crowd
and I could see this being a cult show for the college
crowd - and that's definitely the target that ABC is
going after. So time will tell on this one - but me and
Chico will be covering this for you so you can know what
happens without having to admit that you are a fan of
Hot Zone 2
We will start off by
wrapping up last week - Jonathan (from My Alma Mater)
and Ken (Asian) was not hot enough, so Travis (Mr High
Score) and Kevin (Bad Teeth) move on. Those are you're
Northeasterners - we will now meet the Southeasterners
And we do get to meet the 8 male qualifiers after the
traditional parade of meat. Memorable non-qualifier
quote of the week? 'My dream is gone.' from loser Rob.
That's pretty sad if that's your dream.
But enough about him - we are up to the 8 guys for this
Guy #1 - A 26 year old Sales Manager from Stone Mountain
Georgia, John Buchanan. He's very waifish and he has a
Randolph apparently is not attracted - Face - 5.1 (We
are doing the sexiest man in America - let's get tough)
Body - 5 (You're pretty thin) Sex Appeal - 4.9
Rachel - Face - 4.9, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 2
Lorenzo - Face - 6.7, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 6
Total - 15 + 13.9 + 19.7 = 48.6 Points. OUCH.
Guy #2 - A 26 year old student from Atlanta, Georgia,
Ryan Hires. Very developed, and a big hit with the
ladies. Randolph - (Let's make this quick, there's not a
lot to critique here) Face - 9.5 , Body 9.5, Sex Appeal
Lorenzo - Face - 9.2, Body - 10, Sex Appeal (I like the
sweetness that's coming out behind those eyes) - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 28 + 28.7 + 28.3 = 85 points
Guy #3 - A 31 year old clinical exercise specialist,
from St Petersburg Florida, Troy Taylor. He's an African
American with bright blonde hair, which may be like that
to also cover a receding hairline.'I want to bring the
house down, definitely.'
Randolph - The bathing suit is way too bright - and so
is your hair. Face - 6.5, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Rachel - (The hair really distracts everything else you
have up there) Face - 6, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 6
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 24.4 + 21.5 + 27.4 = 73.3 points
Guy #4 - A 29 year old bartender from Miami, Florida,
Luciano Costa. 'I'm broke, and I need the money.' well,
there are other things that you can do for that - like
see most of the people on the street after the show...
Lorenzo - Face - 9.2, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 8.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - 'What do you have under those trunks?'
Luciano turns around and pulls down his trunks to reveal
a G-String and a 'Too Hot!' caption covering his fanny.
'It looks like Randolph is now changing his scores' says
the host, and it looks like he is. Face - 9.5, Body -
'With a butt like that, you got a 9.9', Sex Appeal -
9.5. Note to Luciano : All you have to do is go to
Randolph's dressing room after the show and your
financial problems may be solved.
Total - 27.5 + 26 + 28.9 = 82.4 points
Guy #5 - A 29 year old engineering manager from Georgia,
John King. Damn, he's chiseled - from the top, anyways.
The legs are scrawny.
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - Face - 7, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 7
Randolph - 'You've a very brave man to be wearing a
Speedo - we have not seen one yet.' Rachel - 'You've
been wanting one.' OUCH. That gets a death stare from
Randolph and more snickers from Chico. Face - 6.5, Body
- 9.9, Sex Appeal - 7.9. The audience's favorite does
not get the favorite scores, and the judges get booed.
Total - 26.5 + 23 + 24.3 = 73.8 points
Guy #6 - An 18 year old Club Promoter from Westin,
Florida, Kevin Peete. Randolph - Cool it on the pecs,
they're definitely done. Face - 8.9 Body - 8.5 - The
hooters are just too big Sex Appeal - 8.7
Rachel - Face - There's just something going on with the
hair that could be shorter - Face - 8.5, Body - 8.9, Sex
Appeal - 8.9
Lorenzo - You are so calm and confident for your age,
it's blowing my mind. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal
- 9.5. Total - 26.1 + 26.3 + 28.5 = 80.9 points
Guy #7 - A 29 year old Marketing Consultant from
Atlanta, Georgia, Jameel. We don't get a last name, and
his body is not nearly as defined as the other
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - I think you've got a really cool look, a really
sexy look. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex appeal - 9.7
Randolph - A little mystery goes a long way - Face -
8.5, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27 + 28.7 + 25.6 = 81.3 points
Guy #8 - A 34 year old photographer from Miami, Florida
- Rick Velour. The ladies seem to make him the second
Lorenzo - You got it all going on, man - Face - 9, Body
- 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.7
Randolph - You have a kind of mystery about you that is
very sexy...and there is a nice thing about not knowing
what's underneath your shorts. Face - 8.9, Body - 8.1,
Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 26.5 + 27.7 + 26 = 80.2 points.
According to my math, Ryan, Luciano, Jameel and Kevin
get in, which means that the 2 African-Americans that
the ladies loved stay out. Racism! None of the
African-Americans from last week get in, and only one of
them get in this week. Could this be a beginning of a
very disturbing trend? We'll find out in a week or so...
Hot Zone 3
If I was the head ABC
honcho, I would save the people who move on from last
week until the end of the show, but I'm not, so we'll
get to find this stuff out now. Our 2 winners for this
section are Ryan and Kevin. Luciano and Jameel are not
hot enough to advance, and I will spare you all of any
Randolph and Luciano jokes that i may have formulating
in my twisted little skull.
But enough about them - let's go to the Northwest. We
start with the traditional parade of meat until we are
left with our final 8 Northwesterners. Stupid Hot/Not
Casualty quote? We don't get one. we just see the guy
sniffling at the screen. Sheesh.
Guy #1 - A 20 year old sales associate, from Bellevue,
Washington. Brandle Kimble 'I'm going to go out there
like a tiger.' Are the judges purring or growling?
Randolph - You've got very strong, features - everything
is angular...and hard.' Face - 8.1, Body - 7.9, Sex
Appeal - 8.1.
Lorenzo - Body - 8, Face, 9, 'And because you're having
such a good time', Sex Appeal 8.5
Rachel correctly deduces that he plucks his eyebrow. 'It
would be tragic if he came across here with just one
eyebrow.' Face - 8.9, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 8.2
Total - 24.1 + 25.5 + 26 = 75.6 points
Guy #2 - A 32 year old firefighter from Washington, Eric
Watson, he shaved his legs and walks and poses like a
girl He's even got braids.
Lorenzo - Body - 9, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.4
Rachel - 'He's got an amazing face, but whats with the
Milli-Vanilli hair?' Face - 8, Body - 9, Sex Appeal -
Randolph - 'I'm not getting Milli Vanilli, I'm getting
Bo Derek'. Face - 8.9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.9 I
think Randolph found his new Luciano.
Total - 27.4 + 25.9 + 28.7 = 82 points.
Guy #3 - A 27 year old from aspiring model from Seattle,
Washington, Rob Conell. 'I have to do my thing to make
myself stand out.' With a disheveled afro puff
hairstyle, goofy jewelry and large beige shorts, This
makes the guy with the teddy bear in episode 1 look
Randolph - 'You made your choices with the jewelry and
those shipwrecked Gilligan's Island shorts - Face - 7.9,
Body - 7.3, Sex Appeal - 7.9
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - 'If you are going to move on to the next
level, you are going to have to gain at least 15 pounds,
bro' Body - 7, Face - 8, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 23.1 + 26.3 + 23 = 72.4 points. He is not
advancing to the next round.
Guy #4 - A 24 year old student from Denver, Colorado,
Billy Van Heusel. 'I'll be here in the next round' If
the other contestants are like Rob, you could be.
Randolph loves the face and has Billy give a side
profile, which Billy does - and he sticks out a large
long tongue. 'With a tongue like that, 9.5 for the
face.' And all of a sudden, Eric is quickly forgotten.
Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5.
Rachel likes the tongue. - Face - 9.5, Body - 8.5, Sex
Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - Sex Appeal - 9.5, Face - 9, Body - 9
Totals - 27.5 + 27.5 + 27.5 = 82.5 points. Billy can
back up his talk - he is a virtual shoo-in.
Guy #5 - A 24 year old sales associate from Washington,
Morgan Brown. 'I'm hungry. A lot of people aren't
hungry. I'm hungry - I want this bad.'Is he too hungry?
Rachel - 'Sometimes I feel like you're a psycho-killer
because you have there really scary eyes. Face - 7.9
(and lots of boos) Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 8.9, Body - 8.7, Sex Appeal - 8.7
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 25.8 + 25.3 + 26.5 = 77.6 points.
Guy #6 - A 22 year old student from Seattle, Washington,
Tony Mayer. Tony doesn't want the judges to just look at
his biceps, trust me, they won't be.
Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'I like your head' Ahhhhem. Face - 9.1, Body -
9.6, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph wants a close up on the stomach. He asks if
he's going for a 10 pack. Tony 'I'm just so tall that
They gave me an extra 2'. Randolph 'Is there anywhere
else where they gave you an extra 2?' Tony stares down.
Face - 9.1, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.3
Total = 27 + 27.7 + 28.2 = 82.9 Points.
Guy #7 - A 25 year old loan officer from Woodenville,
Washington, Shipley Ettis. 'I have the animal inside -
if it comes out, then it comes out.' The animal is
apparently a pussycat, since he doesn't say anything
when he's out there.
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5, Body - 9.5
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Randolph - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 28 + 28 + 27.4 = 83.4 points.
Guy #8 - A 33 year old Mortgage Broker from Seattle,
Washington, Scott Milligan. 'I'm not going to be cocky
or arrogant - I'm going to bo confident, but not
Lorenzo. 'Kind of a hang dog face going on there.' Face
- 9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'I wish you'd be a little bit more on the sex
appeal - Body - 9.5, Face - 8.3, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 26.7 + 25.8 + 26.9 = 79.4 points.
So far, 80+ is good and 79.9 and under is bad. We hold
form, this week, as the 4 people with 80 plus points
move on - they are Eric, Billy, Tony and Shipley. We'll
see who makes the top 2 - and who the California people
are in the Southwest Zone next week.
Hot Zone 4
We are in week 4 of this
zaniness, and perhaps the most interesting one for Chico
- I wish they all could be Califrnia girls! As for me? I
just get stuck with the Randolph jokes.
But before the Randolph jokes, we have some wrapping up
to do. The bald Tony and the funky-accented Shipley
advance to the next round. We now have 6 guys who were
deemed hot by the 30 or so American people who voted in.
There are 2 more slots that need to be filled in - so
lets fill them in. We get our 8 guys after he get the
obnoxious intro of everyone thinking that they are hot
and the gratuitous parade of meat.
I don't want to have an East Coast bias here, but I
think half of these guys should be walking out in the
second round with paper bags over their heads. Yeccccch.
Of course, the faces are not the only thing that the
judges are looking for. They want a nice body, they want
some nice sex appeal, and Randolph wants some phone
numbers. Did I say that? I guess I did...
Guy #1 - A 19 year old waiter from California, Jason
Blair. He has no body tone or development whatsoever.
Lorenzo - 'The comedy club's down the street...I just
want to look at you and laugh.' Face - 8, Vody - 8, Sex
Appeal - 8.5 Mercy numbers.
Rachel wants the shell necklace off. 'It seems like
you've been smoking a bit.' Face - 7.5, Body - 6.9, Sex
Appeal - 6.5
Randolph - Face - 7.9, Body - 6.5, Sex Appeal - 7. And
no phone numbers.
Total - 24.5 + 20.9 + 21.4 = 65.9 points.
Guy #2 - A 26 year old high school teacher from
California, David Maxwell. 'If I advance, it would be
great and I'd love it.'
Randolph - He turns David around to show uds some back
hair. Ewwwwwww. Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5 - Sex Appeal -
Lorenzo - 'You're a great looking guy' Face - 9.8, Body
-10, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Rachel - '10, 10 and 10'. David has earned Randolph's
phone number - as well as Rachel's phone number.
Total - 28.5 + 29.7 + 30 88.2 pointa. Far and away the
highest guy score ever.
Guy #3 - A 28 year old Kickboxing Instructor from
Dallas, Texas, Andre Segoway. One of the faces that we
need to see covered. Actually, cover all of him in a
Lorenzo - Face - 7.5, Body - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 7.6.
Rachel - Face - 7.9, Body - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 7.6
Lorenzo - Face - 7.5, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 23 + 23.4 + 23.5 = 69.9 points
Guy #4 - A 29 year old entrepeneur, from San Diego,
California, Domenic Ricci. His nipple is pierced, and so
is his brain.
Lorenze - Body - 9.5, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel loves his eyes - Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.2, Face
Randolph - You've got the Tom Cruise thing going on' No
comment. Face - 9.6, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9
Total = 27.5 + 27.9 + 27.8 = 83.2 points
Guy #5 - A 29 year old Tae Kwon Do Instructor from
California, Anton Kesselhoff. Is it just me, or do the
instructors look like they've banged their heads on
boards just one too many times?
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.6
Rachel - Face - 9.7, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.7
Randolph - 'They need to cast you in the next Bond film
because you look like a Russian Spy.' Face - 9.3, Body -
8.7, Sex Appeal - 8.6
Total - 26.6 + 27.4 + 26.6 = 80.6 points
Guy #6 - A 22 year old bartender from San Diego,
California, Dylan Bruce. He's a little confident,
bordering on arrogance, which impresses Lorenzo but
pisses Raldolph off.
Randolph - Face - 9.1, Body - 9.3, Sex Appeal - 8.3
Rachel - Face - 9.7, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.4 - Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 26.7 + 29.1 + 28.4 = 84.2 points
Guy #7 - A 24 year old retail manager from San Diego,
California, Jimmy Rogo. A blonde surfer. Duuuuude!
Randolph - 'I didn't know that cro magnon surfed.' Face
- 9.5, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Rachel - Face - 9.4, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Lorenzo - Face - 9.7, Body - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 28.2 + 28.1 + 28.5 = 84.7 points
Guy #8 - A 28 year old from San Diego, California,
Cheval Ford. He wants to enjoy life. Maybe the judges
Lorenzxe - Face - 9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - 'Your teeth are just a little bit bucked. Face
- 8.9, Body - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 8
Randolph - Face - 8, Body, 9.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Cheval's reaction? 8's are real good. Not against this
group, they aren't.
Total - 27 + 25.8 + 26.4 =79.3 points
For the first time in thois show, a guy with 80 points
is not going to get in. Anton is so close, but not close
enough and he's out. David, Domenic, Dylan and Jimmy
advance. I'm guessing that Davifd and Domenic move on -
but you don't get to decide. 'Because of current events,
our Hot Zone 4 semi-finalists will be judged by our
expert scorers.' Expert events, or pitiful voting
turnout? We'll let the viewer decide that. And we'll see
if you agree or disagree with what happens on next
So we're here
for the semi-finals and finals...BUT FIRST - we need to
see who the guys from the Southwest are. Those 2 people
are Jimmy the surfer dude and David the bald African
We are down to the final 8 - and now the competitor has
to make a declaration of hotness - to do or say whatever
it takses to show that they are the sexiest people in
According to JD, due to current events (and/or lousy
ratings, take your pick), the contest will no longer be
interactive - it will be down to the three judges (AKA,
since this sucks, let's just finidh this and get this
over with for the 12 or 13 people who are still actually
watching this who don't have to recap it).
We start off with Kevin from Miami. He comes out in
black trunks. His declaration is that he's ambitious and
goal oriented. Yawwwwwwwn. Lorenzo asks what it would do
to him if he won. Yawwwwwwwn. Rachel wants him to shrink
the boobs and nipples and Randolph notices that he added
some oil to his body. No scores apply to any of the
contestants. This is so brutally sad.
Ryan is next - and he says that 'if the face and the
body got me here so far, I'm hoping that I can throw in
the personality.' Lorenzo thinks he's got it all going
on, Rachel thinks that he's too clean, and Randolph
thinks that he looks like Clark Kent.
#3 - Tony - and he wonders if this is how a celebrity is
treated like. He says he's confident, but not cocky.
Randolph wants him to have more fun, Rachel likes his
body and ears, and Lorenzo would like to see his hair
grow out instead of his current bald physique.
Contestant #4 - David, who got three 10's straight
across the board from Rachel the first time out.
Randolph says that it's all about him, Rachel thinks
that he has the package, while Lorenzo was impressed
that he wouldn't quit teaching if he won.
Contestant #5 - Jimmy the surfer dude. 'I declare that I
thought that I never had to make a declaration of
hotness.' Rachel thinks he's average, Lorenzo says the
lacksidasical attitude is a plus, and Randolph says that
the same attitude could mbe a minus. Hmmm...
Contestant #6 - Travis, who points to ihis heart and
says that's where his declaration of hotness is.
Randolph says that there's nothing to criticize. Rachel
is not nuts about the top cut, and Lorenzo is impressed
with his attitude.
Contestant #7 - Shipley, who's hoping that his
personality shines through. Lorenzo thinks that he has
it all together, Racvhel thinks that his boobs are too
big and Randolph thinks that he's real. You can pretty
much take Randolph's commentsa and interchange them with
each of the male contestants.
Contestant #8 - Kevin Bessel- he of the bad teeth. Is
his teeth any better? He shows us his back. Randolph
tells him to smile - and his teeth still suck. Rachel
brings that out. His response? 'It isn't are you Perfect
- it's are you hot?' Kevin, we knew you well, but you're
So who moves on to the Finals? We get the final parade
of meat. Tony walks out - and gets the NOT sign. Travis
goes out and gets the HOT sign, so he's one of the
finalists. Jimmy the Surfer boy is HOT, so he is the
second finalist. Ryan from Georgia takes his Southern
accent home with him - he's gone.
Kevin P. starts the second half - of the rejects. He's
out of the competition. He is joined with Kevin of the
bad teeth. According to my math, that means that the
last 2 guys - David and Shipley are finalists - and they
So we're down to our final 4 - Travis, Jimmy, David and
Shipley. Now if t was just the judges, then your winner
will be David. But we'll see next week after you the
people vote....you mean the finals is now? You mean that
it is all up to the judged? You mean that it's not live?
Oh, well then I guess i'll cover it now and get the pain
JD already starts with the scores have already been
tallied - and the highest scores in the semi-finals
determine the winners. So what's the point of this show?
The winnners split a $100,000 prize (which is big money
talk for $50,000 each), - and they get a visit to
Tahiti, but JD says that the exposure from the show will
change them forever. WHAT exposure? The exposure of a
Saturday night airing? Yeah, ok. You can tell that this
was all taped out in advance. The quicker this debacle
runs, the better.
We get a montage of the contestants road to hotness. I
really hope that this is not a full hour of futility.
This is worse than American Idol. Yuuuuuck.
Here come the finalists. We'll find out who gets
eliminated first after the break. What's the point? I
mean, there's nothing that these people can do - the
scores have already been decided. SPACE FILLER TIme -
which will make my job of recapping really really easy.
Next we go to..the PERSONAL MONTAGES!!!! And we see the
relatives of the people out in the audience. They asked
all of the judges who they thought the lowest
semifinalist was. They all said Shipley. D'oh! Not a lot
of supense here, folks. Shipley is gone. He gets buzzed,
shakes JD's hand, and he get to see another Sihpley
montage. We're not too desperate for filler stuff, are
We are down to the final three. The next person to be
out is Jimmy the surfer boy. Duuuuude - Booooogus. Jimmy
crashed and burned. He's happy that he gets to see the
women and we see the dumb Jimmy moments.
We are down to David and Travis. One of them is walking
off with $50,000 - and I think that it's Daid the
perfect 10. Both contestants stand over a mini hot/not
sign. The person who's HOT sign lights up is the winner.
The winner....and hottest man....is......
ME!!!! Thanks you thank you, all! Than....You mean it's
not me? Oh, ok, fine. The real winner is...
DAVID MAXWELL!!! He is the hottest man in America and
his friends celebrate as the teacher wins $50,000. The
judges give him a standing ovation, and that's a wrap.
My take? Awful. Mommy, please make the scary thing go
away. I can't possibly see this thing going another
season. Listen, TV execs, before you take something from
the internet and make a show out of it, PLEASE make sure
that there is a good idea behind it. They haven't yet,
and this one is a continuation of garbage. This internet
show needs to make a permanent log off.
NOW THE WOMEN...