1 (Gordon pinch hits)
So Chico's VCR gets screwed
up because of one of his relatives. And I'm the one that
has to rate the women. Poor me. I don't know howwwwww I
will deal with staring at America's most beautiful women
that the Northeast has to offer.
I'm sure I'll find some way to manage. =)
By the way, You can check out the men's section for how
this thing works, why I am covering both sections, and
who the judges liked in the men's section.
The judges are Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter and Randolph
Duke. A scale of 1-10 is up for Face, Body, and Sex
Appeal. 10 stands for Cindy Crawford, while 1 stands for
Sandy the Crawfish.
So without further ado - let's see the 8 ladies:
Lady #1 - a 25 year old executive Officer from
Pennsylvania - Melinda Griffith. Too much body, too
little face for me.
Randolph - (I saw a little too much jiggle) Face - 7.5,
Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face (there's something a little hard with it)
- 5, Body - 4, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo - Sex Appeal - 9.9, Face - 9.5, Body - 8.7 Total
- 24 + 17.5 + 28.1 = 69.6 points
Lady #2 - A 22 year old Bartender from Chicao, Lisa
Piepergurtis. Nice body, face doesn't do it for me
either. Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Rabdolph (you remind me of a Charlie's Angel) Face - 9,
Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - I'm not feeling a lot of sexual energy) - Face
- 9.9, Body - 9.7, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27.5 + 28.4 + 28.6 = 84.5 points
Lady #3 - A 21 year old Flight Attendant from Minnesota,
Kerry Detlend 'If you're looking for somebody natural -
here I am.' I have the reverse problem - love the face,
Randolph Face - 9.5 - Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - Body - 9.5 (At some point between the hip and
the knee, the body has to touch), Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal
Total - 28 + 26.8 + 29.2 = 84 points
Lady #4 - A 26 year oid waitress from Palisades Park,
New Jersey - Teresa Paladino. She looks very plain and
skinny in the bathing suit.
Rachel - (You need to wear more make-up.) Face - 7.5,
Body - 6, Sex Appeal - 6. Ouch
Randolph - (You might have wanted to stuff those soft
gels in your bra before coming out here Body - 7.5, Face
- 7.9, Sex Appeal - 6
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 19.5 + 21.4 + 24 = 64.9 points
Lade #5 - A 22 year old office manager from Minnesota,
Nicki Kretzmer. Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhh. Nice face, nice blonde
hair and body, nice...assets. She's got it going on.
Randolph (There is some happy spandex going on tonight.
Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Body - 9.8, Face - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - (I'm pointing right now at perfection) - Body
- 9, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 27 + 28.6 + 28.3 = 83.9 points
Lady #6 - A 24 year old waitress from NYC - Elizabeth
Valerio. She looked so much better with her clothes on.
The face is not bad, but too much cellulite there for
Rachel - Face - 5 (She gets a lot of boos from the
audience), Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Randolph - Face - 8, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 8.8, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 23 + 25 + 27.6 = 75.6 points
Lady #7 - A 30 Year old local TV host from Minnesota,
Cherica Penny. 'People think that I'm just sweet, but
I'm actually really really naughty.' With a nice face,
skimpy bikini bottom, British accent and leather boots,
I'm down with that.
Randolph - Face - 9.5, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - Body - 9.5, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9, (Wheter it's
natural or not, it's too thin - 7 for the body)
Total - 27 + 28.3 + 25.5 = 80.8 points
Lady #8 - A 23 year old graduate stdent from New York,
Chi Chi Rodiora. Nice face, but a very emaciated body
Rachel - Face - 9.9, Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - (Your body is just too thin to carry the sex
appeal...hit McDonalds and get some of those
cheeseburgers) Face - 8.5, Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 8
Lorenzo - Face - 9.3, Body (Don't skip any more meals) -
7, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 26.4 + 24 + 25.2 = 75.6 points
Your final four women for this circuit are Lisa, Kerry,
Nicki and Cherica. If I had my vote, it would be Nicki
all the way - but Cherica, the only African American
left in either the male or the female category, could
sneak this one out. Chico will fill you in on who moves
on and next week's zone on Thursday.
Hot Zone 2
Gordon, I hate you.
(Gordongram - You'll thank me for this later. Call it
I'll level with you right now. I'm not the hottest man
on Earth. I'm 23 years old, 5'8, and I have a slight
overbite. I have swimmer's arms, a runner's legs, and a
teddy bear's body. I couldn't judge another man to ...
Wait, I'm doing the women, right? Well in that case, I
have all I need to cover that field (something 5/6 of
the GSNN staff has)... a Y-chromosome. That said...
After seeing JD Roberto, fresh from unemployment since
Animal Planet's "You Lie Like a Dog", we get eight
Southern Belles. Four will continue at the ball, while
the other four will have songs written by DF Dub about
But first, the results from the online poll show that
Cari and Lisa are hot enough as judged by the 18 people
who watched this show to continue.
Here are the eight mannequins strutting around for your
... ermm... amusement this week:
Lady #1 - Charity Hodges; 24; student; Tampa, FL - She's
definitely got it in the right places. But what say the
Randolph - ("Well, I think we know what your best asset
is. Tell me about the twins, are they real?") Body -
8.2, Face - 8.3, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - ("I think you need to do bangs or something
going on up there.") Face - 7.6, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal
Lorenzo - ("I'd get up to congratulate you, but I think
I'd spill my water.") Face - 8, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal -
Total - 25 + 24.6 + 26.5 = 76.1 points
And BTW, according to Charity, they're not real.
Lady #2 - Butter Jones; 27; hairstylist; Atlanta, GA -
Someone pass a roll. ... Okay, that was lame. Anyway,
she sashays out on the runway and here come the Yankee
Randolph - ("So let me ask you a question, you like
butter on your biscuits?" To which Butter replies, "Only
when it's coming with a lot of bread." No... THAT was
lame!) Face - 6, Body - 7.1, Sex Appeal - a 2, docked
for the play. "You have the butter, but you don't have
the biscuits, baby." Then this beauty spectacle gets
ugly. And THAT's why she gets the two.
Rachel - Face - 5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 4
Lorenzo - Face - 6.9 "'cause you are an attractive
woman", Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 7
Total - 15.1 + 16 + 20.9 = 52 points
In the pre-commercial banter break, she says "The judges
think that they gonna sit up there and insult me by
pointing out my every little imperfection, and thinking
that I wasn't going to point out theirs. So I really
don't care what the judges' scores are; I'm STILL hot."
Well... maybe to someone who likes that sort of thing,
but not me. NEXT!
Lady #3 - Wendy Lynn DeRoche; 19; student; Cumming, GA -
Now this is what I like, I like a lady who smiles a lot
but doesn't overdo it.
Lorenzo - ("You are absolutely gorgeous.") Face - 8.9,
Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - ("You've got great eyes.") Face - 8.5, Body -
9.2, Sex Appeal - 9.6
Randolph - (Something American males were thinking all
this time... "Now THAT's a beautiful bustline." But he
had a problem with her knees. A while back, she was in
the ER after being hit by an 18-wheeler. She's standing
upright after uncertainty as to whether she was ever
going to walk again, so "they're holding me up just
fine.") Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 27 + 27.3 + 27.5 = 81.8 points. Just proves that
inner beauty shines no matter what.
Lady #4 - Chantille Boudousque; 24; student; New
Orleans, LA - she looks just sculpted at times, and
bouncy at times.
Randolph - ("I think you have a really feminine,
refined, little doll face") Face - 9.9, Face - 9.2, Sex
Appeal - 8.5 (for being coached)
Rachel - ("I think you're the most tasteful woman we've
seen here this entire show.") Face - 9.9, Body - 9.9,
Sex Appeal - 9.9, three tenths shy of perfection (but as
we all know, perfection is impossible... please don't
Lorenzo - ("Get comfortable with my flaw finder here."
Looks like he's checking hips again.) Body - 9.5, Face -
9.2, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 27.6 + 29.7 + 26.7 = 84 points
Lady #5 - Valerie White; 18; aspiring model; Conyers, GA
- Kinda waifish, if you ask me.
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Randolph - ("You have the most beautiful eyes I've seen
tonight.") Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - ("I've got a burrito cooking down south, and
it's almost ready.") - Body - 9.8, Face - 9.8, Sex
Appeal - 9.9
Total - 26.4 + 26.5 + 29.6 = 82.5 points
Lady #6 - Aerial Farmer; 19; retail sales associate;
College Park, GA - a great smile on a cheeky body.
Rachel (She gives Aerial the question, to which she
responds, "These are all mine.") - Face - 8.9, Body -
9.2, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph ("I like that you're not just pushing it all in
our face.") Face - 9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo ("Little bit on the soft side.") - Face - 9.5,
Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27.1 + 26.7 + 28 = 81.8 points
Lady #7 - Carolyn Moore; 21; Student; Atlanta, GA - she
looks like she can kick my butt.
Randolph - ("Spandex can only stretch so far.") Face -
7.1, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 8.2
Rachel - Face ("I was a little scared that it was going
to be a little showgirly.") - 7, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal
Lorenzo - ("Your nose is just a little bit crooked.")
Face - 8, Body - 8.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 23.4 + 25 + 25.8 = 74.2 points
Lady #8 - Caroline Erlandson; 34; mother and homemaker;
Atlanta, GA - to paraphrase Evan Marriott, she looks
"damn good" for a 34-year-old mother...
Rachel - Body - 7, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - "I have to
give you a 5."
Randolph - ("You had a baby?") Face - 7.2, Body - 8, Sex
Appeal - 6.8
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 21 + 22 + 23.5 = 66.5 points
"Eight of these people will move one step forward in
their dream of becoming America's sexiest people."
Getting on my soapbox here... but if that's your dream,
then you must lead a pretty empty life...
And the ladies who are hot enough to advance to the
public vote are Wendy Lynn, Chantille, Valerie, and
Aeriel. And if I see another pierced navel, it'll be too
soon. Go to ABC.com and vote. Personally, I think Wendy
Lynn and Chantille will move on to the semis. Just
playing on a hunch. Valerie did score higher, but she's
really lanky, I think. But that's my opinion, I could be
Hot Zone 3
For those of you keeping
score at home, this is the second reference I'm making
As JD welcomes us back to the people market, we see the
eight mannequins missing from the Belk's in Atlanta. But
which two of the four ladies will move one step forward
in claiming the prize of America's hottest woman? And
which two will magically turn back to wood and plastics
like that chickie from "Sex and the City?"
The votes are in and moving on from the Southeast are.
the bouncy Chantille and the wiry Valerie. So far, I'm
one for two. But that's all child's play, as we move
forward to the next destination for our
HOT ZONE 3: The Northwest - the ladies...
Lady #1 - Aja (pronounced like the continent); 20; tango
instructor; Boulder, CO - And look, she can stumble and
pass it off as a flip!
RACHEL: "Okay, you've got to stop with that staring...
stuff, 'cause that's just a real off-put right now...
SMILE!" Face: 8. Body: 6. Sex appeal: 7.5. ("If I had a
boyfriend, you would just totally come onto him.")
RANDOLPH: "You've got a great face. So smile, and relax,
and turn around." Face: 8.1 ("You're not using it yet.")
Body: 7.9. Sex appeal: 7.9 ("You haven't' come into it
LORENZO, who's "feeling a little Irish Spring now":
Face: 9. Body: 8.5. Sex appeal: 9.
Total: 21.5 + 23.9 + 26.5 = 71.9 points
Lady #2 - Jessica Durosier; 27; business owner; Redmond,
WA - "This... This is PERFECTION!" Yeah, we'll see.
RANDOLPH: Face: 9. Body: 8.9 ("You had a little help?"
Yes, she did. "One's a little bigger than the other.").
Sex appeal: 9.8
RACHEL, who thinks that "everyone has an odd-looking
boob": Face: 9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.7.
LORENZO, who whips out the Fault Finder: Face: 9. Body:
8.5. Sex appeal: 9
Total: 27.7 + 27.7 + 26.5 = 81.9
Lady #3 - Ivy Shinkle; 21; doctor's office manager;
Denver, CO - She's happy naked. Her words, not mine.
Dude in audience: "Strip for us!" Apparently someone in
the crowd's happy for her.
RACHEL: Face: 9. Body, following the "TOO HOT" blocker
(Looking at Lorenzo's actions, I guess there's nothing
like a thong to bring a brother to his knees): 9.6. Sex
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.4.
LORENZO, who's presumably with us now: Face: 9.8. Body:
10 ("Flawless"). Sex appeal: ("Do I have to give the
last score, because then she'll have to go away.") 10.
Total: 28.4 + 27.3 + 29.8 = 85.5
Lady #4 - Ann Littleton; 21; NBA dancer; Parker, CO -
Hmm... NBA dancer from Colorado... There's a joke
about... Oh, we'll save it for next week.
RANDOLPH: "I'm kinda glad you didn't do anything to
enhance your breasts, but they ARE very small." Face:
6.9 for the makeup choice. Body: 7.5. Sex appeal: 6.5.
RACHEL, who likens Ann to the 60s: Face: 6.9. Body: 8.5
Sex appeal: 8.
LORENZO: Face: 8. Body: 8.5. Sex appeal: 9.
Total: 20.9 + 23.4 + 25.5 = 69.8
Lady #5 - Amber Lancaster; 22; NFL cheerleader; Tacoma,
WA - Well... she certainly looks the part.
RACHEL: Face: 8.5 ("It's almost like the hair is
gray."). Body: 9 (at this moment, Amber's looking around
like 'What the heck am I doing here?'). Sex appeal: 9.6.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.
LORENZO: Face: 9. Sex appeal: 8. Body: 9.5.
Total: 27.1 + 27 + 26.5 = 80.6
Lady #6 - Krisi Wald; 18; sales associate; Springfield,
OR - she's kind of cheeky in a kiddie-I-have-seven-Justin-Timberlake-posters-on-my-bedroom-wall
kind of way.
RACHEL: Face: 9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8 ("You're 18?
RANDOLPH: Face: 8. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8.3
LORENZO: Face: 9. Body: 9.2 ("Angelic"). Sex appeal: 9
Total: 26 + 25.3 + 27.2 = 78.5
Lady #7 - Carlie Allen; 21; student; Englewood, CO -
She's got a bit of a hip issue going on there.
RANDOLPH, after getting a decidedly quick glance at her
rear: Face: 7.1. Body: 6.2. Sex appeal: 7.5.
RACHEL: Face: 7.8. Body: 6. Face: 7.5
LORENZO: Face: 8 ("You're a little volcano waiting to
erupt, aren't you?"). Body: 7.5. Sex appeal: 8.
Total: 20.8 + 21.3 + 23.5 = 65.6
Lady #8 - Renee Russell; 20; nanny; Issaquah, WA - She's
a tall drink of water... and check it out, Randolph
agrees with me.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.7. Body: 9.2. Sex appeal: 9.8
("totally fun in a Charlie's Angels sort of way).
RACHEL: Face: 8.9. Body: 9.4. Sex appeal: 9.7.
LORENZO: Body: 9. Face: 9.2. Sex appeal: 9.
Total: 27.7 + 27.2 + 28 = 82.9
Okay, doing the math here. Advancing to the public vote
are Ivy, Renee, Jessica, and Amber. Who will advance?
Who won't? And does Lorenzo have any more chat-up lines
in him? Find out next week. In the meantime, go to
ABC.com and vote. My picks are Ivy (who scored two
perfect tens) and Jessica, because some guys find
off-breasts a turn-on.
And for those keeping score, this is Coupling reference
Hot Zone 4
Hot Zone 3. For those of
you who a) don't remember it from two weeks ago or b)
like me, were watching CSI at the time, we showed off
eight prime ladies. Out of those eight, four of them
were hot enough to make a Frappuccino sweat. Two of them
will go on like the GameCube once Zelda hits stores. Two
of them will head back to the shop like a burnt-out
And your two are... Amber, the NFL cheerleader, and
Renee, the nanny. Shoot. I'm one-and-three. But half of
the fun is in the chase (the other half is the berating
of said chase). And so the chase continues in...
HOT ZONE 4: The Southwest - the ladies...
Lady #1 - Brandy Leaver; 19; singer; Waimanalo, HI -
Folks, this is what you call in America a "hard act to
follow". Read on and find out that this sort of thing
doesn't work in a text-based medium. She tries to let
everyone know that her (^_^) are real.
RACHEL: Face: 8.9. Body: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.8 ("You've
got an amazing sex appeal, obviously!").
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.7. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.4
LORENZO: Face: 9.8. Body: 10 ("You've got a perfect
body"). Sex appeal: 9.8.
Total: 28.5 + 27.6 + 29.6 = 85.7 points, the highest
Lady #2 - Alana Morsehead; 19; student; Valencia, CA -
Sadly, they all can't be California girls. Time to see
if the Beach Boys (or David Lee Roth, if you're into
that sort of thing) is right on this one. She notes that
her main flaw is her butt/thighs.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8.9 (the
charisma of a statue)
RACHEL: Face: 8.7. Body: 8.9 ("really cute"). Sex
LORENZO, who's coming onto the contestants... again:
Face: 9. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.5.
Total: 26.4 + 26.3 + 28 = 80.7
Lady #3 - Brooke Peterson; 23; teacher; Dallas - She's
got great eyes, but a horrible plucking affliction to
RANDOLPH: Face: 9. Body: 8.2 (Randolph says she looks
like a ballerina, to which she replies, "Thanks, Mr.
Duke."). Sex appeal: 7.2.
RACHEL, who can smell her fear from a mile away: Face:
9.5. Body: 8. Sex appeal: 6.
LORENZO: Face: 9.7. Body: 8 ("I think your bathing suit
is covering what it needs to uncover.) Sex appeal: 6.5.
Total: 24.4 + 23.5 + 24.2 = 72.1
Lady #4 - Rachel Reza; 19; sales representative; Reseda,
CA - In a word... Row. Err, wow.
RACHEL, who likens Rachel's butt to a peacock: Face:
9.5. Body: 9.5 ("Very hourglass). Sex appeal: 9.8.
RANDOLPH: "I don't know where to begin, but I definitely
know where to start. Could you turn around?" Face: 9.1.
Body: 9.6. Sex appeal: 9.5.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 9.8 ("You've got a 34-21-35?"
Sort of. "Well, that's the combination to MY heart").
Sex appeal: 10.
Total: 28.8 + 28.2 + 29.3 = 86.3; the new high mark.
Lady #5 - Jessica Hatch; 20; student; Riverside, CA -
This is your stereotypical Cali-beach babe here. Let's
see if the judges agree.
RACHEL: Face: 8.5 ("The mole is distracting, at least
for me.") Body: 8.9 appeal: 9.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.2.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.8. Body: 9.5 ("Just
want to remind everyone at home why they're tuning in.")
Total: 26.4 + 27.1 + 28.8 = 82.3
And we at GSNN would like to remind you that the Mole
will return for another celebrity series soon.
Lady #6 - Sheree English; 21; aspiring model; Los
Angeles - very well built, looks like she spends her
RANDOLPH, who likes 'little spins': Face: 9. Body: 9.2.
Sex appeal: 9
RACHEL: Face: 9.8. Body: 9.9. Sex appeal: 9
("Immediately drawn to your eyes.")
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.5
Total: 27.2 + 28.7 + 28.8 = 84.7
Lady #7 - Crystal Mattison; 26; aspiring actress;
Escondido, CA - Last week, there was a hip issue. This
week, we have a chest issue.
RACHEL: Face: 9.9 ("amazing"). Body: 9.9, after a rather
long look at her bottom. Sex appeal: 9.9.
RANDOLPH: Face: 10. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.8
LORENZO: Body: 9.5. Face: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.8.
Total: 29.7 + 29.3 + 29.1 = 88.1, the NEW new high mark.
Lady #8 - Mary Babbitt; 22; radiology technician; Los
Angeles - She has pouty lips and she's last. Not much
else need be said.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 8.2. Sex appeal: 8.9.
RACHEL: Face: 8.5, after jumping on her case about her
eyebrows. Body: 8.9. Face: 9.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 8.5 after the Flaw Finder
test, which he hasn't used up until this point. Sex
Total: 25.8 + 26.4 + 27.5 = 79.7
And that's it. For those keeping score at home, Randolph
looked at four butts, Rachel commented on two pairs of
eyebrows, and Lorenzo came on to six of the eight
players. But the adage is true: they saved the best for
last, as Crystal, Rachel, Brandy, and Sheree move onto
the public vote. Barring any more developments that
require special reports, count on the results to be
tallied and delivered on the finale next week. I think
the final woman standing will come from this group, and
I think it'll be either Crystal or Rachel, my picks for
this hot zone.
But don't bet the farm on this. I wouldn't want to be
responsible for any losses... I'd just feel bad about it
At long last, the series
that was on the air three weeks more than it really
should have been comes to an end. In two hours, the
sexiest man and woman as ABC saw will be crowned. At
stake... Well, there's something at stake; I, like most
Americans, just don't really have it in me to remember.
But I'm sure JD will tell us how it'll all go down.
But first, JD reveals that because of current events
(because there were more pressing issues than how high
will Lorenzo Lamas' libido rise), America didn't get to
choose, so the semi-finalists will be chosen based on
their scores as given by the judges. Doing the math,
that means that Crystal Mattison and Rachel Reza move
But tonight, it's all about "la package total," an
opportunity to do or say whatever they wish in order to
prove that they are the sexiest. In case you missed it,
here are tonight's semifinalists.
Crystal Mattison (HZ4: 88.1)
Rachel Reza (HZ4: 86.3)
Lisa Piepergerdes (HZ1: 84.5)
Cari Jedlecki (HZ1: 84)
Chantille Boudousque (HZ2: 84)
Renee Russell (HZ3: 82.9)
Valerie White (HZ2: 82.5)
Amber Lancaster (HZ3: 80.6)
Those scores... Gone. That said, it's time for a the
one-on-one critiques. If you're thinking A-level
appropriate material as seen in a Modern Woodmen of
America Oratory contest, think again. Our semifinalists
will make a declaration of HOTNESS. This time, our
judges will score on secret ballots, the result of which
will be revealed at the end of the round.
Lisa's first. She prides herself on being sweet and
having a great personality. Randolph calls Lisa the
all-American girl... despite her hair. Rachel agrees.
Lorenzo checks out the assets and proclaims her hotness.
Next up is fast woman Rachel. She believes that sex
appeal is mind over matter. Rachel H. calls Rachel R.
trashy. Randolph says her clothes make her look cheap.
"There is an innocence about you that you should never
ever lose." Lorenzo doesn't mind fast cars at all.
Slowly moving towards relevance, Lorenzo checks out HER
assets (pointing out a bit of extra... stuff, as Lorenzo
calls it) and says, "You are making my falcon crest."
(**maniacally laughing**) That's so 1983, my friend.
Cari calls herself flashy. And that's about it. Randolph
points out her cancer symbol tattoo right below her
belly button. Now he's checking out the assets and...
Approved. Rachel isn't really THAT much impressed.
Lorenzo says that she has a face that could be seen on
the cover of a magazine.
Next up is Amber. She thinks that she's a very outgoing
girl, and that whoever wins this competition will be
looked upon as a sex symbol (duh!). Randolph tells her
to rethink her hair and makeup. Rachel concurs about the
entire look. Lorenzo does the Paula Abdul thing. "Don't
pay attention to them, okay? Do you like Mexican food?
Because I've got a compilation plate for you, honey."
(**stares blankly**) I don't get it.
On deck is number five, Chantille (one of my favorites
from the last round). Chantille feels blessed by the way
that she looks and that she has her own sense of style.
Randolph says that looks great about her. Rachel says
that she doesn't push it too far. Lorenzo thinks her
energy is hot enough to make him forget about the first
Renee is #6. She thinks that it's a personality that
makes people hot, but quickly refutes that by saying,
"I've got these legs working for me!" Rachel makes
all-American remark #2. Randolph says she has great
chances. Lorenzo couldn't understand why husbands leave
their wives for nannies in what has to be one of the
worst chat-up lines of this series so far.
Lucky number seven is family-oriented Valerie. "Hot is
having IT. IT is being sex appeal without trying. Sexy
is being classy. And classy is what I am." Okay, she's
starting to sound like Yoda here. Not too convincing.
Hey, look at that, Randolph agrees with me, checking out
the assets. Rachel says that her mouth is great closed
and when opened, it's a little bit bucked. Funny, I was
going for incoherent. Lorenzo likes her overbite, but is
put off by her thick ankles.
And finally, we have Crystal, the leader of the board.
She said her sexiness, class, and confidence speak for
themselves. Rachel notices her curves. Randolph says she
has a star face. Lorenzo loves her body and ... yep, the
luggage check. "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout."
Okay, no filler, as we face the hot-not sign one more
time to reveal the finalists.
Crystal: HOT (finalist).
Chantille: HOT (finalist).
Lisa: HOT (finalist).
Cari: HOT (finalist).
Once again, to reiterate, because of current events
(that and their ratings were in the toilet!), America
didn't put Crystal, the lone finalist from HZ4, through.
At long last, JD reveals that the title of America's
Newest Sex Symbols has a few perks: $100,000 to split, a
trip for two to Tahiti, and boatloads of exposure.
Cue filler reel of auditions, the initial encounter with
the hot-not sign, the Hot Zone rounds and the
semifinals, all on "the road to hotness."
Then, the moment that a scant four percent of American
households were waiting for...
The FINAL FOUR (which, ironically, is on another network
right now): Crystal Mattison, Chantille Boudousque, Lisa
Piepergedes, and Cari Jedlecki.
Sure, it would be easy to just pluck the winner from the
crowd, but we have an hour of reality TV to fill, so
we're going in reverse draw order.
Crystal, Chantille, Lisa, and Cari are summoned to the
stage for a little heart-to-heart with JD, which
reveals... absolutely nothing game-wise.
It's elimination time. All three judges think that Cari
is getting the boot. And the result of the secret
vote... is Lisa.
Next on the docket are Crystal, Chantille and Cari. Will
Cari be shown the door this time? Yep.
One more elimination, and one more chance to shrug off
whatever it is that's making these ladies so nervous.
Will it be Chantille? Or maybe Crystal? Not making this
look easy, we see the dual hot-not sign (or, as I call
it, the hot-not-hot-not sign). Crystal is on the left;
Chantille, the right. Hit it, JD. "The sexiest woman in
CHANTILLE! First words out of her mouth: "You love me!"
She is joined by Mr. ABC, David Maxwell. And here comes
the confetti as the judges present incredibly
cheap-looking medals to the two winners.
So that's the show. Hopefully we learned that real
sexiness comes from the inside. At least we better learn
that, or else it's another season of... this.