ARCHIVES: Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People
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One question: Are you hot? America is split into four Hot Zones, with the hottest man and woman advancing to the final round. Hottest hotties win $50,000, a trip to Tahiti, and ... yeah, that's pretty much it.

Recaps by Gordon Pepper (men) and Chico Alexander (women), GSNN


FACT FILE:
Airdate:
February-March 2003, ABC
Host:
JD Roberto
Judges: Randolph Duke, Rachel Hunter, Lorenzo Lamas
Creator: Mike Fleiss
EP: Mike Fleiss
Packager: NEXT Entertainment, Telepictures Prods.


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Web design by Jason Elliott. Logo by Chico Alexander. 

Hot Zone 1 (Gordon pinch hits)

So Chico's VCR gets screwed up because of one of his relatives. And I'm the one that has to rate the women. Poor me. I don't know howwwwww I will deal with staring at America's most beautiful women that the Northeast has to offer.

I'm sure I'll find some way to manage. =)

By the way, You can check out the men's section for how this thing works, why I am covering both sections, and who the judges liked in the men's section.

The judges are Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter and Randolph Duke. A scale of 1-10 is up for Face, Body, and Sex Appeal. 10 stands for Cindy Crawford, while 1 stands for Sandy the Crawfish.

So without further ado - let's see the 8 ladies:

Lady #1 - a 25 year old executive Officer from Pennsylvania - Melinda Griffith. Too much body, too little face for me.
Randolph - (I saw a little too much jiggle) Face - 7.5, Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face (there's something a little hard with it) - 5, Body - 4, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo - Sex Appeal - 9.9, Face - 9.5, Body - 8.7 Total - 24 + 17.5 + 28.1 = 69.6 points

Lady #2 - A 22 year old Bartender from Chicao, Lisa Piepergurtis. Nice body, face doesn't do it for me either. Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Rabdolph (you remind me of a Charlie's Angel) Face - 9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - I'm not feeling a lot of sexual energy) - Face - 9.9, Body - 9.7, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27.5 + 28.4 + 28.6 = 84.5 points

Lady #3 - A 21 year old Flight Attendant from Minnesota, Kerry Detlend 'If you're looking for somebody natural - here I am.' I have the reverse problem - love the face, waifish body.
Randolph Face - 9.5 - Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Face - 9, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - Body - 9.5 (At some point between the hip and the knee, the body has to touch), Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Total - 28 + 26.8 + 29.2 = 84 points

Lady #4 - A 26 year oid waitress from Palisades Park, New Jersey - Teresa Paladino. She looks very plain and skinny in the bathing suit.
Rachel - (You need to wear more make-up.) Face - 7.5, Body - 6, Sex Appeal - 6. Ouch
Randolph - (You might have wanted to stuff those soft gels in your bra before coming out here Body - 7.5, Face - 7.9, Sex Appeal - 6
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 8
OUCH
Total - 19.5 + 21.4 + 24 = 64.9 points

Lade #5 - A 22 year old office manager from Minnesota, Nicki Kretzmer. Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhh. Nice face, nice blonde hair and body, nice...assets. She's got it going on.
Randolph (There is some happy spandex going on tonight. Face - 9, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - Body - 9.8, Face - 8.9, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Lorenzo - (I'm pointing right now at perfection) - Body - 9, Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 27 + 28.6 + 28.3 = 83.9 points

Lady #6 - A 24 year old waitress from NYC - Elizabeth Valerio. She looked so much better with her clothes on. The face is not bad, but too much cellulite there for me.
Rachel - Face - 5 (She gets a lot of boos from the audience), Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Randolph - Face - 8, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - Face - 9, Body - 8.8, Sex Appeal - 9.8
Total - 23 + 25 + 27.6 = 75.6 points

Lady #7 - A 30 Year old local TV host from Minnesota, Cherica Penny. 'People think that I'm just sweet, but I'm actually really really naughty.' With a nice face, skimpy bikini bottom, British accent and leather boots, I'm down with that.
Randolph - Face - 9.5, Body - 9, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - Body - 9.5, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - Face - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9, (Wheter it's natural or not, it's too thin - 7 for the body)
Total - 27 + 28.3 + 25.5 = 80.8 points

Lady #8 - A 23 year old graduate stdent from New York, Chi Chi Rodiora. Nice face, but a very emaciated body
Rachel - Face - 9.9, Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph - (Your body is just too thin to carry the sex appeal...hit McDonalds and get some of those cheeseburgers) Face - 8.5, Body - 7.5, Sex Appeal - 8
Lorenzo - Face - 9.3, Body (Don't skip any more meals) - 7, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Total - 26.4 + 24 + 25.2 = 75.6 points

Your final four women for this circuit are Lisa, Kerry, Nicki and Cherica. If I had my vote, it would be Nicki all the way - but Cherica, the only African American left in either the male or the female category, could sneak this one out. Chico will fill you in on who moves on and next week's zone on Thursday.


Hot Zone 2

Gordon, I hate you.

(Gordongram - You'll thank me for this later. Call it tough love)

I'll level with you right now. I'm not the hottest man on Earth. I'm 23 years old, 5'8, and I have a slight overbite. I have swimmer's arms, a runner's legs, and a teddy bear's body. I couldn't judge another man to ... Wait, I'm doing the women, right? Well in that case, I have all I need to cover that field (something 5/6 of the GSNN staff has)... a Y-chromosome. That said...

After seeing JD Roberto, fresh from unemployment since Animal Planet's "You Lie Like a Dog", we get eight Southern Belles. Four will continue at the ball, while the other four will have songs written by DF Dub about them.

But first, the results from the online poll show that Cari and Lisa are hot enough as judged by the 18 people who watched this show to continue.

Here are the eight mannequins strutting around for your ... ermm... amusement this week:

Lady #1 - Charity Hodges; 24; student; Tampa, FL - She's definitely got it in the right places. But what say the judges?
Randolph - ("Well, I think we know what your best asset is. Tell me about the twins, are they real?") Body - 8.2, Face - 8.3, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Rachel - ("I think you need to do bangs or something going on up there.") Face - 7.6, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo - ("I'd get up to congratulate you, but I think I'd spill my water.") Face - 8, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 25 + 24.6 + 26.5 = 76.1 points

And BTW, according to Charity, they're not real.

Lady #2 - Butter Jones; 27; hairstylist; Atlanta, GA - Someone pass a roll. ... Okay, that was lame. Anyway, she sashays out on the runway and here come the Yankee cheers!
Randolph - ("So let me ask you a question, you like butter on your biscuits?" To which Butter replies, "Only when it's coming with a lot of bread." No... THAT was lame!) Face - 6, Body - 7.1, Sex Appeal - a 2, docked for the play. "You have the butter, but you don't have the biscuits, baby." Then this beauty spectacle gets ugly. And THAT's why she gets the two.
Rachel - Face - 5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 4
Lorenzo - Face - 6.9 "'cause you are an attractive woman", Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 7
Total - 15.1 + 16 + 20.9 = 52 points

In the pre-commercial banter break, she says "The judges think that they gonna sit up there and insult me by pointing out my every little imperfection, and thinking that I wasn't going to point out theirs. So I really don't care what the judges' scores are; I'm STILL hot." Well... maybe to someone who likes that sort of thing, but not me. NEXT!

Lady #3 - Wendy Lynn DeRoche; 19; student; Cumming, GA - Now this is what I like, I like a lady who smiles a lot but doesn't overdo it.
Lorenzo - ("You are absolutely gorgeous.") Face - 8.9, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Rachel - ("You've got great eyes.") Face - 8.5, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9.6
Randolph - (Something American males were thinking all this time... "Now THAT's a beautiful bustline." But he had a problem with her knees. A while back, she was in the ER after being hit by an 18-wheeler. She's standing upright after uncertainty as to whether she was ever going to walk again, so "they're holding me up just fine.") Face - 8.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Total - 27 + 27.3 + 27.5 = 81.8 points. Just proves that inner beauty shines no matter what.

Lady #4 - Chantille Boudousque; 24; student; New Orleans, LA - she looks just sculpted at times, and bouncy at times.
Randolph - ("I think you have a really feminine, refined, little doll face") Face - 9.9, Face - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5 (for being coached)
Rachel - ("I think you're the most tasteful woman we've seen here this entire show.") Face - 9.9, Body - 9.9, Sex Appeal - 9.9, three tenths shy of perfection (but as we all know, perfection is impossible... please don't expect it)
Lorenzo - ("Get comfortable with my flaw finder here." Looks like he's checking hips again.) Body - 9.5, Face - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 27.6 + 29.7 + 26.7 = 84 points

Lady #5 - Valerie White; 18; aspiring model; Conyers, GA - Kinda waifish, if you ask me.
Rachel - Body - 9, Face - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 8.9
Randolph - ("You have the most beautiful eyes I've seen tonight.") Face - 9, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Lorenzo - ("I've got a burrito cooking down south, and it's almost ready.") - Body - 9.8, Face - 9.8, Sex Appeal - 9.9
Total - 26.4 + 26.5 + 29.6 = 82.5 points

Lady #6 - Aerial Farmer; 19; retail sales associate; College Park, GA - a great smile on a cheeky body.
Rachel (She gives Aerial the question, to which she responds, "These are all mine.") - Face - 8.9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 9
Randolph ("I like that you're not just pushing it all in our face.") Face - 9, Body - 9.2, Sex Appeal - 8.5
Lorenzo ("Little bit on the soft side.") - Face - 9.5, Body - 9.5, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 27.1 + 26.7 + 28 = 81.8 points

Lady #7 - Carolyn Moore; 21; Student; Atlanta, GA - she looks like she can kick my butt.
Randolph - ("Spandex can only stretch so far.") Face - 7.1, Body - 8.1, Sex Appeal - 8.2
Rachel - Face ("I was a little scared that it was going to be a little showgirly.") - 7, Body - 8.5, Sex Appeal - 9.5
Lorenzo - ("Your nose is just a little bit crooked.") Face - 8, Body - 8.8, Sex Appeal - 9
Total - 23.4 + 25 + 25.8 = 74.2 points

Lady #8 - Caroline Erlandson; 34; mother and homemaker; Atlanta, GA - to paraphrase Evan Marriott, she looks "damn good" for a 34-year-old mother...
Rachel - Body - 7, Face - 9, Sex Appeal - "I have to give you a 5."
Randolph - ("You had a baby?") Face - 7.2, Body - 8, Sex Appeal - 6.8
Lorenzo - Face - 8.5, Body - 7, Sex Appeal - 8
Total - 21 + 22 + 23.5 = 66.5 points

"Eight of these people will move one step forward in their dream of becoming America's sexiest people." Getting on my soapbox here... but if that's your dream, then you must lead a pretty empty life...

And the ladies who are hot enough to advance to the public vote are Wendy Lynn, Chantille, Valerie, and Aeriel. And if I see another pierced navel, it'll be too soon. Go to ABC.com and vote. Personally, I think Wendy Lynn and Chantille will move on to the semis. Just playing on a hunch. Valerie did score higher, but she's really lanky, I think. But that's my opinion, I could be wrong.


Hot Zone 3

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the second reference I'm making to "Coupling."

As JD welcomes us back to the people market, we see the eight mannequins missing from the Belk's in Atlanta. But which two of the four ladies will move one step forward in claiming the prize of America's hottest woman? And which two will magically turn back to wood and plastics like that chickie from "Sex and the City?"

The votes are in and moving on from the Southeast are. the bouncy Chantille and the wiry Valerie. So far, I'm one for two. But that's all child's play, as we move forward to the next destination for our flavor-of-the-month search...

HOT ZONE 3: The Northwest - the ladies...

Lady #1 - Aja (pronounced like the continent); 20; tango instructor; Boulder, CO - And look, she can stumble and pass it off as a flip!

RACHEL: "Okay, you've got to stop with that staring... stuff, 'cause that's just a real off-put right now... SMILE!" Face: 8. Body: 6. Sex appeal: 7.5. ("If I had a boyfriend, you would just totally come onto him.")
RANDOLPH: "You've got a great face. So smile, and relax, and turn around." Face: 8.1 ("You're not using it yet.") Body: 7.9. Sex appeal: 7.9 ("You haven't' come into it yet.").
LORENZO, who's "feeling a little Irish Spring now": Face: 9. Body: 8.5. Sex appeal: 9.
Total: 21.5 + 23.9 + 26.5 = 71.9 points

Lady #2 - Jessica Durosier; 27; business owner; Redmond, WA - "This... This is PERFECTION!" Yeah, we'll see.

RANDOLPH: Face: 9. Body: 8.9 ("You had a little help?" Yes, she did. "One's a little bigger than the other."). Sex appeal: 9.8
RACHEL, who thinks that "everyone has an odd-looking boob": Face: 9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.7.
LORENZO, who whips out the Fault Finder: Face: 9. Body: 8.5. Sex appeal: 9
Total: 27.7 + 27.7 + 26.5 = 81.9

Lady #3 - Ivy Shinkle; 21; doctor's office manager; Denver, CO - She's happy naked. Her words, not mine. Dude in audience: "Strip for us!" Apparently someone in the crowd's happy for her.
RACHEL: Face: 9. Body, following the "TOO HOT" blocker (Looking at Lorenzo's actions, I guess there's nothing like a thong to bring a brother to his knees): 9.6. Sex appeal: 9.8
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.4.
LORENZO, who's presumably with us now: Face: 9.8. Body: 10 ("Flawless"). Sex appeal: ("Do I have to give the last score, because then she'll have to go away.") 10.
Total: 28.4 + 27.3 + 29.8 = 85.5

Lady #4 - Ann Littleton; 21; NBA dancer; Parker, CO - Hmm... NBA dancer from Colorado... There's a joke about... Oh, we'll save it for next week.
RANDOLPH: "I'm kinda glad you didn't do anything to enhance your breasts, but they ARE very small." Face: 6.9 for the makeup choice. Body: 7.5. Sex appeal: 6.5.
RACHEL, who likens Ann to the 60s: Face: 6.9. Body: 8.5 Sex appeal: 8.
LORENZO: Face: 8. Body: 8.5. Sex appeal: 9.

Total: 20.9 + 23.4 + 25.5 = 69.8

Lady #5 - Amber Lancaster; 22; NFL cheerleader; Tacoma, WA - Well... she certainly looks the part.
RACHEL: Face: 8.5 ("It's almost like the hair is gray."). Body: 9 (at this moment, Amber's looking around like 'What the heck am I doing here?'). Sex appeal: 9.6.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.
LORENZO: Face: 9. Sex appeal: 8. Body: 9.5.
Total: 27.1 + 27 + 26.5 = 80.6

Lady #6 - Krisi Wald; 18; sales associate; Springfield, OR - she's kind of cheeky in a kiddie-I-have-seven-Justin-Timberlake-posters-on-my-bedroom-wall kind of way.
RACHEL: Face: 9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8 ("You're 18? Wow.")
RANDOLPH: Face: 8. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8.3
LORENZO: Face: 9. Body: 9.2 ("Angelic"). Sex appeal: 9
Total: 26 + 25.3 + 27.2 = 78.5

Lady #7 - Carlie Allen; 21; student; Englewood, CO - She's got a bit of a hip issue going on there.
RANDOLPH, after getting a decidedly quick glance at her rear: Face: 7.1. Body: 6.2. Sex appeal: 7.5.
RACHEL: Face: 7.8. Body: 6. Face: 7.5
LORENZO: Face: 8 ("You're a little volcano waiting to erupt, aren't you?"). Body: 7.5. Sex appeal: 8.
Total: 20.8 + 21.3 + 23.5 = 65.6

Lady #8 - Renee Russell; 20; nanny; Issaquah, WA - She's a tall drink of water... and check it out, Randolph agrees with me.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.7. Body: 9.2. Sex appeal: 9.8 ("totally fun in a Charlie's Angels sort of way).
RACHEL: Face: 8.9. Body: 9.4. Sex appeal: 9.7.
LORENZO: Body: 9. Face: 9.2. Sex appeal: 9.
Total: 27.7 + 27.2 + 28 = 82.9

Okay, doing the math here. Advancing to the public vote are Ivy, Renee, Jessica, and Amber. Who will advance? Who won't? And does Lorenzo have any more chat-up lines in him? Find out next week. In the meantime, go to ABC.com and vote. My picks are Ivy (who scored two perfect tens) and Jessica, because some guys find off-breasts a turn-on.

And for those keeping score, this is Coupling reference #3.


Hot Zone 4

Hot Zone 3. For those of you who a) don't remember it from two weeks ago or b) like me, were watching CSI at the time, we showed off eight prime ladies. Out of those eight, four of them were hot enough to make a Frappuccino sweat. Two of them will go on like the GameCube once Zelda hits stores. Two of them will head back to the shop like a burnt-out Xbox.

And your two are... Amber, the NFL cheerleader, and Renee, the nanny. Shoot. I'm one-and-three. But half of the fun is in the chase (the other half is the berating of said chase). And so the chase continues in...

HOT ZONE 4: The Southwest - the ladies...

Lady #1 - Brandy Leaver; 19; singer; Waimanalo, HI - Folks, this is what you call in America a "hard act to follow". Read on and find out that this sort of thing doesn't work in a text-based medium. She tries to let everyone know that her (^_^) are real.

RACHEL: Face: 8.9. Body: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.8 ("You've got an amazing sex appeal, obviously!").
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.7. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.4
LORENZO: Face: 9.8. Body: 10 ("You've got a perfect body"). Sex appeal: 9.8.
Total: 28.5 + 27.6 + 29.6 = 85.7 points, the highest yet.

Lady #2 - Alana Morsehead; 19; student; Valencia, CA - Sadly, they all can't be California girls. Time to see if the Beach Boys (or David Lee Roth, if you're into that sort of thing) is right on this one. She notes that her main flaw is her butt/thighs.

RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 8.9 (the charisma of a statue)
RACHEL: Face: 8.7. Body: 8.9 ("really cute"). Sex appeal: 8.7.
LORENZO, who's coming onto the contestants... again: Face: 9. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.5.
Total: 26.4 + 26.3 + 28 = 80.7

Lady #3 - Brooke Peterson; 23; teacher; Dallas - She's got great eyes, but a horrible plucking affliction to kick.

RANDOLPH: Face: 9. Body: 8.2 (Randolph says she looks like a ballerina, to which she replies, "Thanks, Mr. Duke."). Sex appeal: 7.2.
RACHEL, who can smell her fear from a mile away: Face: 9.5. Body: 8. Sex appeal: 6.
LORENZO: Face: 9.7. Body: 8 ("I think your bathing suit is covering what it needs to uncover.) Sex appeal: 6.5.
Total: 24.4 + 23.5 + 24.2 = 72.1


Lady #4 - Rachel Reza; 19; sales representative; Reseda, CA - In a word... Row. Err, wow.
RACHEL, who likens Rachel's butt to a peacock: Face: 9.5. Body: 9.5 ("Very hourglass). Sex appeal: 9.8.
RANDOLPH: "I don't know where to begin, but I definitely know where to start. Could you turn around?" Face: 9.1. Body: 9.6. Sex appeal: 9.5.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 9.8 ("You've got a 34-21-35?" Sort of. "Well, that's the combination to MY heart"). Sex appeal: 10.
Total: 28.8 + 28.2 + 29.3 = 86.3; the new high mark.

Lady #5 - Jessica Hatch; 20; student; Riverside, CA - This is your stereotypical Cali-beach babe here. Let's see if the judges agree.

RACHEL: Face: 8.5 ("The mole is distracting, at least for me.") Body: 8.9 appeal: 9.
RANDOLPH: Face: 8.9. Body: 9. Sex appeal: 9.2.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.8. Body: 9.5 ("Just want to remind everyone at home why they're tuning in.")
Total: 26.4 + 27.1 + 28.8 = 82.3

And we at GSNN would like to remind you that the Mole will return for another celebrity series soon.

Lady #6 - Sheree English; 21; aspiring model; Los Angeles - very well built, looks like she spends her days kickboxing.

RANDOLPH, who likes 'little spins': Face: 9. Body: 9.2. Sex appeal: 9
RACHEL: Face: 9.8. Body: 9.9. Sex appeal: 9 ("Immediately drawn to your eyes.")
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.5
Total: 27.2 + 28.7 + 28.8 = 84.7

Lady #7 - Crystal Mattison; 26; aspiring actress; Escondido, CA - Last week, there was a hip issue. This week, we have a chest issue.

RACHEL: Face: 9.9 ("amazing"). Body: 9.9, after a rather long look at her bottom. Sex appeal: 9.9.
RANDOLPH: Face: 10. Body: 9.5. Sex appeal: 9.8 ("Fabulous").
LORENZO: Body: 9.5. Face: 9.8. Sex appeal: 9.8.

Total: 29.7 + 29.3 + 29.1 = 88.1, the NEW new high mark.

Lady #8 - Mary Babbitt; 22; radiology technician; Los Angeles - She has pouty lips and she's last. Not much else need be said.

RANDOLPH: Face: 8.5. Body: 8.2. Sex appeal: 8.9.
RACHEL: Face: 8.5, after jumping on her case about her eyebrows. Body: 8.9. Face: 9.
LORENZO: Face: 9.5. Body: 8.5 after the Flaw Finder test, which he hasn't used up until this point. Sex appeal: 9.5.
Total: 25.8 + 26.4 + 27.5 = 79.7

And that's it. For those keeping score at home, Randolph looked at four butts, Rachel commented on two pairs of eyebrows, and Lorenzo came on to six of the eight players. But the adage is true: they saved the best for last, as Crystal, Rachel, Brandy, and Sheree move onto the public vote. Barring any more developments that require special reports, count on the results to be tallied and delivered on the finale next week. I think the final woman standing will come from this group, and I think it'll be either Crystal or Rachel, my picks for this hot zone.

But don't bet the farm on this. I wouldn't want to be responsible for any losses... I'd just feel bad about it afterwards.


FINALS

At long last, the series that was on the air three weeks more than it really should have been comes to an end. In two hours, the sexiest man and woman as ABC saw will be crowned. At stake... Well, there's something at stake; I, like most Americans, just don't really have it in me to remember. But I'm sure JD will tell us how it'll all go down.

But first, JD reveals that because of current events (because there were more pressing issues than how high will Lorenzo Lamas' libido rise), America didn't get to choose, so the semi-finalists will be chosen based on their scores as given by the judges. Doing the math, that means that Crystal Mattison and Rachel Reza move on.

But tonight, it's all about "la package total," an opportunity to do or say whatever they wish in order to prove that they are the sexiest. In case you missed it, here are tonight's semifinalists.

SEMIFINALS

Crystal Mattison (HZ4: 88.1)
Rachel Reza (HZ4: 86.3)
Lisa Piepergerdes (HZ1: 84.5)
Cari Jedlecki (HZ1: 84)
Chantille Boudousque (HZ2: 84)
Renee Russell (HZ3: 82.9)
Valerie White (HZ2: 82.5)
Amber Lancaster (HZ3: 80.6)

Those scores... Gone. That said, it's time for a the one-on-one critiques. If you're thinking A-level appropriate material as seen in a Modern Woodmen of America Oratory contest, think again. Our semifinalists will make a declaration of HOTNESS. This time, our judges will score on secret ballots, the result of which will be revealed at the end of the round.

Lisa's first. She prides herself on being sweet and having a great personality. Randolph calls Lisa the all-American girl... despite her hair. Rachel agrees. Lorenzo checks out the assets and proclaims her hotness.

Next up is fast woman Rachel. She believes that sex appeal is mind over matter. Rachel H. calls Rachel R. trashy. Randolph says her clothes make her look cheap. "There is an innocence about you that you should never ever lose." Lorenzo doesn't mind fast cars at all. Slowly moving towards relevance, Lorenzo checks out HER assets (pointing out a bit of extra... stuff, as Lorenzo calls it) and says, "You are making my falcon crest." (**maniacally laughing**) That's so 1983, my friend.

Cari calls herself flashy. And that's about it. Randolph points out her cancer symbol tattoo right below her belly button. Now he's checking out the assets and... Approved. Rachel isn't really THAT much impressed. Lorenzo says that she has a face that could be seen on the cover of a magazine.

Next up is Amber. She thinks that she's a very outgoing girl, and that whoever wins this competition will be looked upon as a sex symbol (duh!). Randolph tells her to rethink her hair and makeup. Rachel concurs about the entire look. Lorenzo does the Paula Abdul thing. "Don't pay attention to them, okay? Do you like Mexican food? Because I've got a compilation plate for you, honey." (**stares blankly**) I don't get it.

On deck is number five, Chantille (one of my favorites from the last round). Chantille feels blessed by the way that she looks and that she has her own sense of style. Randolph says that looks great about her. Rachel says that she doesn't push it too far. Lorenzo thinks her energy is hot enough to make him forget about the first round critique.

Renee is #6. She thinks that it's a personality that makes people hot, but quickly refutes that by saying, "I've got these legs working for me!" Rachel makes all-American remark #2. Randolph says she has great chances. Lorenzo couldn't understand why husbands leave their wives for nannies in what has to be one of the worst chat-up lines of this series so far.

Lucky number seven is family-oriented Valerie. "Hot is having IT. IT is being sex appeal without trying. Sexy is being classy. And classy is what I am." Okay, she's starting to sound like Yoda here. Not too convincing. Hey, look at that, Randolph agrees with me, checking out the assets. Rachel says that her mouth is great closed and when opened, it's a little bit bucked. Funny, I was going for incoherent. Lorenzo likes her overbite, but is put off by her thick ankles.

And finally, we have Crystal, the leader of the board. She said her sexiness, class, and confidence speak for themselves. Rachel notices her curves. Randolph says she has a star face. Lorenzo loves her body and ... yep, the luggage check. "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout."

Okay, no filler, as we face the hot-not sign one more time to reveal the finalists.

Renee: NOT.

Rachel: NOT.

Crystal: HOT (finalist).

Chantille: HOT (finalist).

Amber: NOT.

Lisa: HOT (finalist).

Valerie: NOT.

Cari: HOT (finalist).

Once again, to reiterate, because of current events (that and their ratings were in the toilet!), America didn't put Crystal, the lone finalist from HZ4, through. At long last, JD reveals that the title of America's Newest Sex Symbols has a few perks: $100,000 to split, a trip for two to Tahiti, and boatloads of exposure.

Cue filler reel of auditions, the initial encounter with the hot-not sign, the Hot Zone rounds and the semifinals, all on "the road to hotness."

Then, the moment that a scant four percent of American households were waiting for...

The FINAL FOUR (which, ironically, is on another network right now): Crystal Mattison, Chantille Boudousque, Lisa Piepergedes, and Cari Jedlecki.

Sure, it would be easy to just pluck the winner from the crowd, but we have an hour of reality TV to fill, so we're going in reverse draw order.

Crystal, Chantille, Lisa, and Cari are summoned to the stage for a little heart-to-heart with JD, which reveals... absolutely nothing game-wise.

It's elimination time. All three judges think that Cari is getting the boot. And the result of the secret vote... is Lisa.

Next on the docket are Crystal, Chantille and Cari. Will Cari be shown the door this time? Yep.

One more elimination, and one more chance to shrug off whatever it is that's making these ladies so nervous. Will it be Chantille? Or maybe Crystal? Not making this look easy, we see the dual hot-not sign (or, as I call it, the hot-not-hot-not sign). Crystal is on the left; Chantille, the right. Hit it, JD. "The sexiest woman in America is..."

CHANTILLE! First words out of her mouth: "You love me!" She is joined by Mr. ABC, David Maxwell. And here comes the confetti as the judges present incredibly cheap-looking medals to the two winners.

So that's the show. Hopefully we learned that real sexiness comes from the inside. At least we better learn that, or else it's another season of... this.

 

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