Jennifer Patton: Mesa, AZ
Gina Davis: Daytona Beach, FL
Erica Moore: La Center, WA
Kari Bravatta: Placentia, CA
Cinnamon Smith: Philadelphia
DeLisa Stiles: The Colony, TX
Marsha Meddleburg: Pickens, SC
Amy Williams: Houston

Did I say eight? Sorry, make that nine. After the usual amount of self-congratulatory press, including a clip from the German version of the show (because, you know, FremantleMedia makes its main coin on format sales), Amanda of the many dresses reveals that tonight, one of the runners-up will enter the pageant as a wild card. More on that later.

Okay, the rules... same as before. Five judges, four events. The events: Evening wear, swimwear, Q&A, and modeling/lingerie. Judges will select from beauty, poise, and overall transformation. Those judges are...

Ken Baker: West Coast editor, Us Weekly
Crista Sides-Klayman: LA Models
Carnie Wilson: singer/actor/author/mother-to-be/example of self-transformation
Larry A. Thompson: producer/author (C-Note: YOU! You were responsible for Iron Chef USA!!! DIE NOW!)
Dayanara Torres: model/actress/Miss Universe 1993/call me... oops, did that come out?

Ugly ducklings? No longer. First up, the evening gown competition. Erica is first, coming off a weight-loss regimen that shed 80 pounds. The keys to transformation: losing the final 30. The result: "a sexy vibrant woman." As each woman takes "the walk of their lives", they'll a) pose in some ridiculous mannequin formation, b) bounce freely, and c) be judged. The results of judgment will be seen after everyone's been seen.

Next, Jennifer, whose childhood scars affected her adult life. The keys to transformation: getting over the scars and the events that brought them on. The result: "Breathtaking". Think shades of Brandi Sherwood, folks.

Next, Capt. Stiles, who was a woman built into a man's body, made in boot camp. She was also dealing with a crumbling marriage. The keys to transformation: feminization. That was easy, but it was the service of divorce papers that put the transformation in jeopardy. The result: "A confident, beautiful woman." And she's the first Swan tonight to get a perfect 10 from a judge. Damn... that is a sweet DeLisa...

Cinnamon is next, as she turned her badge into beauty, as she too was looking for her feminine side. Cinnamon couldn't commit easy because of her kids. The keys to transformation: again, feminization of body and smile, tarnished by years of decay. The result: "Dramatic". I never noticed this, but Cinnamon... looked exactly like DeLisa. Almost. And Amanda... please stop humoring us.

Next, last week's Swan, Amy, who aspired to be a singer, but was told that "she had a face for radio." Kiss of death. Keys to transformation: reforming her face and smile, and overcoming pain. The result: "a stunning reveal."

Coming back to "the number one pageant in America" (and they will reiterate this just to hammer the point across), we have... a FAQ?

Q: Who lost the most weight?
A: Top three: Gina lost 22 pounds. DeLisa lost 25, but the biggest loser (with apologies to Pepper) is Kari, who lost 35.

Q: What part of their transformation do the Swans love most?
A: Eyes, smile, back bumper, and the boobies.

Q: Are there really no mirrors?
A: For the last time, YES!

Back to competition, as Marsha wanted to be invisible, having to shave every morning. Keys to transformation: hair removal... and feminization. Training regimen was horrid, but with help from last season's champ, Rachel Love-Fraser, she found herself the belle of the ball.

Next, Gina, who overcame a hearing disability to find her transformation, and as a result, gained more than just confidence, but a newfound leash on life thanks to a hearing aid. Keys to transformation: symmetry. Her biggest challenge: overcoming the urge to go back home after a hurricane strikes. The result: "I look like a movie star!" We all remember that, don't we?

Kari is next, as we remember the sisters episode. She couldn't do it on her own, but she had no idea until three months on that she was indeed competing with her sister. Her biggest obstacles... were on her chest. Keys to transformation: reducing her breasts, but transformation would be put on hold as she was tested for sleep apnea. After being cleared for surgery, she pushed herself to the limit to finish.

But there's still one more slot remaining. The Wild Card. But first, the hundreds of thousands of dollars in prizes awarded to the winner, which is billed as the most expensive prize package ever awarded on a beauty pageant. In the prize pack: a $100,000 spokesmodel contract with Nutri/System, a vacation in Thailand, a House of Thai silk evening gown, a one-year gym membership for her and her family at Spectrum, one year of Mesoestetic medical skin care products, a weekend getaway in Vegas, a $10,000 scholarship to Anthony Robbins Mastery University, a $50,000 scholarship to Western International University, and a smile transformation for the significant other courtesy of da Vinci Veneers and Dr. W.

Okay, NOW we get to the Wild Card... Will she be Kim Wilburn, Lorrie Arias, Christina Ozuna, Gina Bravatta, Patti Chedohan, Lorraine Norris, Sylvia Cruz, or Dore Weber? The results... will be delivered personally... by her sister! That's right, your Wild Card is...

Gina Bravatta: La Mirada, CA

As you remember, she also had a big problem to get rid of... right on her chest. The keys to transformation: underreduction, knowing that weight-loss will put her at the right range. The biggest challenge: pretending to be somewhere that she wasn't. The resulting transformation rivaled her sister's in more ways than one.

Judging from this opening round, DeLisa, both Bravatta sisters, and Erica look to be contenders, while Marsha, Cinnamon, and Jennifer look to be pretenders. But that's just one round. Next up: water in the background. Which could only mean... more filler. And in case you're taking score, this is Amanda's second dress.

The Swans train for the pageant, including walking, posing, spa-induced relaxing, and kicking some serious butt. Now we go to... voice training? The secret: "overpronounce every syllable."

Now it's time to get wet... with some swimwear, designed to test our Swans in all three facets of judging. The sequence here, a) look hot, b) scoff at former self, c) get judged, d) look hot again. At the end of this round, judges will cut to the final five.

And Gina D. is rail thin... But DeLisa again got it ALL going on in all the right places.
 

SWIM WEAR	Erica	Jennifer	DeLisa	Cinnamon	Amy	Marsha	Gina D.	Kari	Gina B.
Baker	9.4	8.3	9.9	8.2	8.3	8.2	9.2	9.5	9.5
Sides-Klayman	9.0	8.1	9.8	7.9	7.9	8.0	8.8	9.0	9.2
Wilson	9.3	8.3	10	8.0	8.4	8.2	9.1	9.4	9.6
Thompson	9.2	8.2	9.9	8.0	8.0	8.1	8.8	9.2	9.4
Torres	9.5	8.4	10	8.4	8.4	8.3	9.1	9.4	9.6

Time for some cuts now... Amanda has those, and advancing in the competition are, in random order as delivered... Erica, DeLisa, Kari, Gina D... and Gina B! The season 1 Swans are on hand as we are delivered to the Q&A round. Erica is first:

Torres: Who is Erica today, and what are your plans for the future?
Erica: I had no self confidence. I had a lot of help, and I am leaving here a very confident woman. I feel amazing, I look amazing, and I'm proud!

Baker: You were obviously caught off guard by the end of your marriage. How would you say that "The Swan" has prepared you for what comes next?
DeLisa: I learned that true beauty is inner strength, and I was found in that knowledge. Even though I was caught off-guard and the world was a witness to that, I'm a stronger and more complete person.

Sides-Klayman: How do you think the transformation will change your life?
Kari: I'm more secure with myself. I can do anything I want to do. There's a whole world out there and I can't wait to enter it!

Wilson: How would you compare the person four months ago to the person standing here today?
Gina D: Before the transformation, my old self was lost. My disability was giving a hard time. I learned so much, that my disability is special. And I do have a big future ahead of me. My goal is to help other people with disabilities. There is hope for all of us.

And finally....

Thompson (C-Note: No hats, bastard!): What have you finally gained by focusing on yourself?
Gina B: I've learned that I'm worthy of my attention. I'm not being selfish. I'm helping myself live a more productive life. If I'm confident in myself, other people will benefit from my strength.

After that round, DeLisa could easily walk the rest of the competition, but Gina B is catching up. We're within the safety limits of the 9p hour, so let's go right... to the lingerie. Simply put, a model show with the former self opposite someone who's... ready to have a good time. And this would be Amanda's third dress of the night...

For DeLisa... the punctuation mark. It's almost certain that she will make it to the final stage... but who will join her? Four...

Now, the final three... DeLisa... Erica... and Gina B. Wow. The woman that was beaten by her own sister gets her comeuppance. And now, the final question... Why do you deserve to be the Swan?

DeLisa: I deserve to be crowned the swan because I learned my strength, my beauty, and my place in this world. I learned the only limits in this world are the ones we place on ourselves. The world is a wide open place. Hopefully others can use me as a model and better their lives as well."

Erica: I've gone through a constraint transformation. From day one, I have gone through a constant transformation. True inner beauty matters, and we all have such incredible beauty from within.

Gina B: Before coming to the Swan program, I had completely given up on myself. I deserve to put time and energy into becoming the best woman I could be. I would be honored to represent this program so that I can inspire all other women to embrace that Swan within them. And to spread their wings and fly.

And now, the moment of truth. The runners-up are back to celebrate the spirit that drives us all to change our lives forever. Runners-up may receive a hand-embroidered evening gown designed by Gai Mattiolo, a year's worth of Skin Medica products, Epicurean Discovery skin care products, a vacation in Hawaii, a Precore elliptical trainer & home gym system, Debbie Siebers fitness wear, and a vacation in Cancun.

And if that wasn't enough, Jonathan Arndt Gallery of Jewels will be awarding the winner a diamond necklace entitled "Victory", worth over $100,000. In short... bling bling.

On hand to crown her successor is last season's Swan champion Rachel Love-Fraser. And now... the final decision. The second runner up... Erica Moore. Remember, if for any reason the winner cannot fulfill her obligations as the Swan, the first runner-up gets it. Take it, Amanda...

"The first runner-up is... Gina Bravatta." That means, of course, DeLisa Stiles, YOU ARE THE NEW SWAN! She takes her walk as a representative for all women who were gutsy enough to take a leap of faith in themselves. If anything, this show taught us one thing... You will be blonde... Resistance is futile. Good thing to leave the young people, really...

Until next season (if ever there is a next season), Amanda leaves us with these final words: "The power of change begins with you."

Oh, and Jason, if you're reading this... YOU BLEW IT, MAN!