The march back to Camp Alinta is a happy one...for Chris, anyway. He says that Julie had it coming for betraying HIM and voting off Sarge. Eliza is in total disarray, not sure now WHO she can trust. She yells at Twila...who, as we ALL know, don't take guff from NOBODY! Twila tells her that she's here STRICTLY because he rode on everyone's coattails... and Eliza says it's her STRATEGY! (OK, THAT was bright!) Chris and Scout stay away from the two as they shout it out.

DAY 37 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE 1: LABYRINTH

Hmmm...a tall stricture meets us as we heed Uncle Jeff's call. The Immunity Necklace is back up for grabs... and Jeff announces it's the first-ever Survivor Vertical Maze.

(Please, people, contain your excitement.)

The players will climb, crawl, drop and squeeze through the maze, collecting their own color of tiles. Once they get ten pair of tiles, they must untie them, ditch the blanks and spell out two words with the letters within. First one to spell out both words is safe for another day.

At the count of "GO", the players take off...except, of course, for Scout, who lags behind as always. Chris takes the high road while the girls take the low road...and Twila gets her first tiles before him. But the race is really tight between all three players. Note I said THREE because Scout seems content with her sloth-like pace and blocking everybody's path.

It's Twila who seems to having the easier time because SHE grabs her final tiles first and heads for the sorting table. But right behind her is Chris with HIS final piece. They shuffle the letters around like a Jumble puzzle gne mad. Eliza climbs off the maze with HER tenth tile. But no sooner does she untie them when Chris yells, "I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" Uncle Jeff checks to see if he has. Sure enough, it says, "FINAL THREE". And that's EXACTLY where Chris is heading!

AFTERNOON 37: VARIOUS POSITIONS

Well, Chris is VERY ecstatic to have won...and he openly celebrates with Twila and Scout more or less saying that Eliza is HISTORY. He says, "It really IS a beautiful day! I'm not giving up being the last man!" And Eliza is MORE than a LITTLE freaked. She IMMEDIATELY goes to Twila and says that Scout, hurt leg and all, needs to go. Scout does her best not to laugh at her. Chris tries to convince Eliza that THEIR alliance is still good and that he'll be deciding on Twila when they get there. Eliza WANTS to believe it...but CAN she?

Oh, yeah, and Twila's b*tchiness? It's PLANNED. Chris told Twila to do that to better HIS chances. Should prove for an interesting...

TRIBAL COUNCIL 1: THE FOUR FEATHERS

We enter the Stone Temple of Doom and Uncle Jeff brings in the Jury so far: Sarge, Chad, Leann, Ami...and a STILL shocked Julie. During the volley of questions, Eliza brings up the fact that Chris SUCKED on the first Immunity Challenge... but FAILS to mention how he ROCKED the OTHER dozen or so challenges. She also says that Twila is "like a cockroach under the fridge that won't die." I guess you could say she KNOWS her time is up and wants to get in many a cheap shot before the outing.

Gee, does Chris want to give up immunity? Uhhhhhh, HELL, no! So...it's time to vote. One by one they head for the booth and scrawl...but we ALL know the outcome, don't we? When Uncle Jeff comes back with the urn and takes out the parchments, they read:

Eliza...

Twila...

Eliza...

...and Eliza!

Eliza glares at Chris for a good ten seconds before she finally gets up and grabs her torch. Eliza is found guilty of impersonating a player and is sentenced...to the Jury, of all things. "You've reached a pivotal point in the game," says Uncle Jeff (no duh!) as we head off.

DAY 38: RITES OF PASSAGE

Well, well, well. We have an unexpected visitor to the camp...and we didn't even have the time to vacuum the sand. It's Uncle Jeff telling us it's time for our traditional "rite of passage" before the final Immunity Challenge. Remember that story told a few days ago about Roy Mata, how he was killed by his brother and buried on an island that is the most sacred of the Vanuatu archipelago? Well, guess what? That island is what Lopevi and Alinta has been staring across the ocean at for the last 5 1/2 weeks! (How convenient. Wonder what the story would've been if they went to the Yasur Beach instead?). We are to take their outrigger and paddle to the island (Hat Island in our own 'native tongue') and, as always, walk a path strewn with the snuffed torches of our fallen comrades, saying something...nice about each one, if we can. But, after passing 15 torches, there's ONE more place we have to stop by: the GRAVE of Roy Mata and his wife where we must each place a token of our appreciation of them allowing us to violate their land this past month.

It takes some time for the threesome to paddle to the island (Scout wonders if they'll even make it to Tribal Council in time), but we land and start our trek, hearing mysterious voiceovers of the fallen tribal members as we pass each torch: Brook, Dolly, Mia, J.P., Brady, "Bubba" Travis, Lisa, John K., Rory, "Sarge" Lea, Chad, Leann, Ami, Julie and - much to EVERYBODY'S happiness - Eliza.

Finally, we arrive at Roy Mata himself. We prostrate before the stone and thank him for allowing him on his "most sacred" isle. Chris leaves the Spirit Stone that hasn't done crap for anyone (except for him, MAYBE) and the old ladies leave the two chieftain staffs from when Twila and Sarge mixed the tribes up all those weeks ago. Nothing like giving gifts you don't want to someone who can't use them. 'Tis the season, I guess.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE 2 - THE DREAM WARRIORS

We trudge on...and Uncle Jeff meets us for the final obligatory "who wants Immunity the most" Immunity Challenge. In this one, we stand barefoot on uneven stumps and pull back a bow-and-arrow (striking a "warrior's pose", as Uncle Jeff calls it). When the arrow is all the way back, a disk covered in rice paper will lock into place. If the bow string slacks, the arrow will pierce the rice paper and the player is out. If either foot hits the ground under the stumps, the player is out. The last one out gets to a) play for a million against the Jury and b) choose who's going with him/her.

Ready...aim...hold still! The game is on. As you may have guessed, it's...kinda hard for Scout. But she struggles and hangs on...for a while. After about 10 minutes or so, she finally can't hold on and RIPS the paper... which means SHE gets to sit down and watch the 'action' unfold.

The action DOESN'T unfold until about a half-hour into the challenge when Scout shouts, "You can do it, Twila!" Chris yells at Scout a bit and Twila defends her. But neither of them care to give up just yet.

An hour passes...Chris says, "You know I want this" to Twila. Twila's starting to fatigue...she nearly slips off the stumps a few times. Finally, at just over an hour, she can't do it and falls off. Chris jumps around like he's already won the million! He gets the necklace for the last time and WHOOPS all the way home!

AFTERNOON 33: EXECUTIVE DECISION

What if you were torn between two women and must keep one and ditch the other? What if the two women were elderly? What if the one you ditch could cost you 900 grand? Can you imagine how CHRIS must feel?

What's more, what about that comment by Scout during the Challenge? Is the girl-liance still active between them? Will they vote for the other to get the million? What to do, what to do?

Chris and Scout talk...and Chris asks if the girls are together...so to speak. Scout, too honest for her own good, says, "No, Twila and I didn’t have a Final Two agreement." And Chris...doesn't believe her. It all comes down to who the Jury will like the most.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 2: THREE CABALLEROS

Back to Uncle Jeff and back to the now-six-person Jury (with an ANGRY Eliza leering at Chris again). More talk about Chris' performance and Scout proclamation during the Challenge. Neither lady would be at all surprised to see her name on the parchment.

Let's get to brass tacks, folks. Scout can on;y vote for Twila and vice-versa. So Chris' vote is all that counts. He walks to the booth, agonizes for a few more minutes, and scratches a name, saying it's a promise made. Uncle Jeff retrieves the urn and reads the...vote. The last member of the Jury is...

Scout.

The rancher's finally herded out.

That leaves the two highway construction people in the clinches. One will get $100G...the other a cool million. The power will shift to the Jury...and Chris and Twila have 24 hours to figure out how to beg and plead for mercy from those they ousted.

DAY 39: LAST DAY ON EARTH

Well, it's been a helluva run...but Chris and Twila wake up ready to face the Jury...yet have many an hour before that happens. Their finally day...well, it's NOT exactly "Bahstin-Rob/Amber" exciting so...there's not much to it. They both thank each other for a great time, swing in (and break) the hammock, laugh and smile about how they outplayed, outwitted and outlasted 16 other chumps...then they grab their torches in the late afternoon and march towards final judgment. But there WAS something. Chris STILL hasn't stopped playing the game and asks Twila to get angry at the Jury...thus sealing her OWN coffin.

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL - NIGHT 39

Jeff is there. In comes Chris. In comes Twila. In comes the Jury: Sarge, Chad, Leann, Ami, Julie, Eliza and Scout. Jeff explains the usual format: they each get opening statements and then the Jury, one-by-one, says something and/or asks a question to them to help them decide who gets the dough. The contestants get closing statements and, then, the crucial vote. First to get four votes gets a million, the other gets $100,000.

First, Twila has her opening statement. She doesn't listen to Chris' jabber because she KNOWS he want her to get POed. She does apologize for the comment about swearing on her son and claims she didn't lie to anyone...except Chris. When Chris takes the mike, he ADMITS to backstabbing everybody en route to this moment... but it was the way he could outplay everyone else... and, you gotta admit, it worked.

The Jury lets this sink in...then it's THEIR turn. Eliza is first... and she lets them HAVE it. She calls them both b*tches and hates them for being mean to her. She asks them why they had to do that to her and all but DEMANDS an apology from each one. NOW, Twila gets angry (to a point) and asks WHY she should apologize for being herself towards a spoiled brat? Chris, however, puts on his best puppy-eye look and says he's sorry to her. (Remember, folks, that you can fake just about anything if you can fake sincerity.)

Julie turns on the water works, ALSO upset that she was betrayed by people she thought she could trust. She ALSO asks for apologies and/or reasons. Chris said that it was all part of a plan... along with the OTHER girls in the camp. Twila says she's sorry, too...though not as fake-sincerely.

Leann wants a simple answer from Twila: why did she ever swear on her son and then turn on her? Twila says she didn't have a choice... and she just didn't want wusses on the tribe doing nothing. Leann then asks Chris why she should vote for him...and Chris parrots Twila and adds that it wasn't HIS fault. (Oh, Chris is a playa, ain't he?)

Ami is next up...and she berates both of them. Twila for not apologizing when she had a chance... and Chris for lying to everyone who trusted him! She's hurt and dismayed. Do the Final Two have an explanation?! Chris, once more, apologizes for his behavior (though you know, deep down, he doesn't give a rat's ass for these girls who originally wanted him gone). FINALLY, Twila decides she's far ENOUGH behind and does her best fake sincerity of her own, saying that she was just playing the game and working hard, hoping to impress people enough.

Enough whining babes; let's get to a whining guy! Chad of the Iron Leg steps forward. He doesn't have any gripes about how the game was played. He, instead, goes ANOTHER route. See, he came on with a bum leg to prove a disabled guy could do this (I guess the deaf girl from the Amazon version wasn't enough, eh?) and asks what changed them during the 39 days. Twila claims to be judgmental...like she wasn't BEFORE she showed up. And Chris has learned that everyone else is human (yes, he's STILL in suck-up mode, folks).

TEN-HUT! Time for the Sarge to go "Gunny Hartman" on their asses. But... he doesn't. He asks Twila if lying about swearing to her son is worth the million. Twila, of course, says no and regrets (for the umpteenth time) ever mentioning that. Sarge then asks Chris if they'll still be friends besides his initial backstabbing. Chris says they're still going to Charlotte to watch NASCAR. Hoorah.

Finally, there's Scout. She HAS no question for them. She says that she's been with the two more than anyone. So she seems to know them best... and she essentially says that Twila's always seemed honest to her...and Chris was trying to bull$#|+ a bull$#|++er. That's it, that's all.

OK, time for final begging. Chris again apologizes to the ladies and explains that he was just playing his strategy and how he felt the game should be played. Twila likewise apologizes to all that she hurt, but worked much harder than the OTHER highway-person and deserves the million.

And, with that, it's time to vote! Remember, they're voting this time FOR someone, not against someone. The Jury marches to the booth one at a time. We see two votes for Chris...and two for Twila...so the three will be kept a mystery.

Uncle Jeff brings the urn up and says, "I know you want to get this over with...but it's not gonna happen tonight. You'll have to wait until we get back to the States." He walks out of the Temple, leaving Chris and Twila stupified and nervous.

(SHAMELESS MONTAGE WARNING! SHAMELESS MONTAGE WARNING!)

Jeff puts the urn in a backpack and cuts through the jungle holding a torch...

DAY 40 - HEREIN UNBEKNOWNST VANUATU AIRFIELD

Well, well...a plane waiting for Jeff. How CONVENIENT! He boards the plane and it takes off for the U.S....

DAY OF DECEMBER 12 - CALIFORNIA DESERT

"This is where I get off," says Jeff, obviously too cheap to buy a full one-way ticket. He dons that corny helmet and a chute... and jumps with the urn! And, when he lands... it's right in front of a motorcycle. How nice of the Terminator to leave it there after leading John Conner to his bunker. VROOOM VROOOOM! Off he goes to...

NIGHT OF DECEMBER 12 - HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA

Jeff turns into CBS Television City (7800 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90036) and the stage where everyone is waiting for him and the urn that carries the votes. A freshly-shaven Chris and (we hope an equally-freshly-shaven) Twila await the vote. And away we go:

CHRIS...(with a checkered flag, so it must be Sarge's vote)

CHRIS...

TWILA...

TWILA...

CHRIS...

CHRIS!

CHRIS DAUGHERTY IS THE SOLE SURVIVOR OF SURVIVOR: VANUATU - ISLANDS OF FIRE!

(Wolviegram to Gordo: IN YOUR FACE, MR. 8-AND-1!!)

EPILOGUE: NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CLASS REUNION

Bad news: STILL no Bryant Gumbel. Good news: no Rosie O'Donnell, either. Jeff chats it up with everybody as usual. Chris is happy he outlasted six women to win (I hope he's PROUD of himself), Twila's son says he's OK with mommy swearing on him to get ahead, Jeff's mall (Julie) and Eliza both voted for Chris despite (the final vote was 5-2), Leann voted for Chris because she promised Twila she'd never write her name down and... Scout is GAY?!?!? Y'all for @#$%in' REAL?!?!? Huh... no WONDER she was so happy to see Twila all the time.

Coming up in 2005, Survivor: Palau. And Uncle Jeff PROMISES that, for the record TWENTY Survivors making the trip, the first ten minutes of the first episode will be THE most memorable "twist" of ten versions of the show.

(Oh, I doubt there's anything left right now (sorry for being late) but www.survivor-auction.com has stuff available to donate to the Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. I lost my bid for the signed copy of 'Bull$#|++ing Your Way Into Millions for Dummies' by Chris Daugherty [Forward by Jonny Fairplay]).

That's it for Survivor 9, folks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more GLOATING to do to Chico. >:)

(C-Note: Hahaha... shut up =p)