"Neanderthal Man: Days 19-21" - April 7
NIGHT 18/DAY 19: AND THEN, THERE
Ever have one of
those "Blue Lagoon" flashbacks? Where you're all alone on a
remote island with one of the opposite gender and you grow...
rather attached to that person. Well, I don't know about the
RATHER attached part, but what's left of Ulong - Bobby Jon and
Stephenie - are as close as ever.
To say that voting off Ibrehem was a tough call would be the
grossest of all understatements. And being a "tribe of two" is
NOT fun at all. We are PRAYING for a merge, especially since it
IS down to ten total Survivors, the typical number going into a
merge. Of course, NOTHING about Survivor can really be
called "typical". Still, the two Ulongs hold on to hope... and
Steph is still ready to win... even though she's done very
little of it. We can ALSO hope that Koror has become so fed up
with the same faces over and over and over again that THEY'll be
praying to BLOW a Challenge just to get RID of someone.
REWARD CHALLENGE: CHOW DOWN!
To Challenge Cove goes Steph and Bobby Jon, showing the
STILL eight-strong Koror that our Muslim member has been "jihaded"
out of tribe. Heartless Uncle Jeff tells us we're "still a
tribe" (yeah, right... and someone from Rock 'N' Roll
Jeopardy made that "Ultimate Tournament of Champions as
well) and that this Challenge is the typical nasty eating
Challenge commonly seen on Survivor... and almost every
OTHER reality show for that matter.
The special of the day is Balut, a delicacy in the South
Pacific. It's also something Fear Factor did a long
time ago. A balut... is a partially formed duckling egg...
complete with beak! Two members of each tribe must down ten
baluts total. The twosome who could down the most without
horking would win Reward for their tribe.
And the reward? Well, let's just say the tribe who wins will not
have to reek for very long. They will be given 55 gallons of
fresh water with a spigot and a showerhead, along with (MAJOR
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!) toothbrushes, Crest
toothpaste, Oil of Olay body soap, Pantene shampoo and
conditioner and - thankfully - Scope mouthwash! (What is this,
Survivor or "Grocery Game" on The Price is Right?!)
And who will go against Steph and BJ? Why, the dolphin lover
Ian... and MVP Tom. (OK, already, I know we're doomed.)
The first round is Tom and Steph downing one balut. No real
problems there... though the feathers DO tend to stick between
your teeth. Bobby Jon and Ian chug down the two eggs assigned to
them which the rest of Koror look on in sadistic glee. Round 3
is back to MVP and Steph with THREE eggs apiece. As they chow
down, MVP uses psychology to make Steph feel nauseous ("Watch
that beak"). Steph's got it covered, though, but keeps on
keeping on. Finally, Ian and BJ choke down FOUR of those Easter
rejects apiece... BEGRUDGINGLY, but they DO it.
Well, now, I guess we go to a tie-breaker, eh? Tom and Bobby Jon
sit down and get served five more baluts, saying the one who
swallows all of them in the quickest time - or the one who downs
the most without "upping" them - gets Reward. At the count of
"Go", BJ proceeds to shove ALL FIVE EGGS into his mouth and
munch, munch, munch on them. MVP, however, is methodical and
downs one at a time. Add to that the fact that BJ already has
SIX chicks in his stomach and MVP only FOUR... and you see what
I'm getting to. BJ just can't swallow those five feathery
fetuses and, as he spits the gunk onto his plate and tries to
take it piece by piece,... MVP Tom swallows the last one. Koror
wins... yadda yadda yadda. And BJ... well, this is the best feed
he's been since the clambake. And mama always told him to clean
his plate so... down the hatch, li'l chickadees!
(Brief pause while I look at what I had for lunch today...
HOOORRRRRRRK! *spit spit spit...flush* Hmm... chicken. How
MC Chris' "The Tussin" in the background*)
AFTERNOON/NIGHT 19: HASSAAAAAAN CHOP!
HOK, Bobby Jon has gone BEYOND angry and upset to just
plain LIVID! He's TIRED of losing! He's TIRED that his throat
was wide open and couldn't get those chick down! And, worst of
all, he is SICK and TIRED of losing to MVP TOM!! Since the rules
and waivers he signed says he cannot take his frustration out on
Steph in a physical sense, he takes it out on some defenseless
coconuts and wood.
Steph says it best: "Half the time, he scares me."
(Uh... only HALF the time?!?)
The next morning... well, let's just say that BJ has stopped
caring that there's a lady(?) present. He belches, he grunts, he
scratches in inappropriate places, he does his best Tim Allen
impersonation by blowing his nose without the benefit of a
Kleenex. And Steph... she's feeling like a broken housewife.
DAY 20 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: JUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE
As the twosome plot to sue the Palau Postal Service if they
don't stop with the Stump-Mail, they read the latest missive
from Mean Mr. Probst:
swim?" "Think and swim?"
Today, they mean the same
For the tribe that can't do either,
One more will leave the game.
Another @#$%ing thinking
Challenge?! Does the producers get the hint that Ulong is
INCAPABLE of thought that could even come CLOSE to transcending
Koror's?!?!? Do they WANT Ulong to disappear?!?!?!?
(Don't answer that last one; I think I know already.)
Challenge Cove and the Koror Idol awaits us. Scheming Uncle Jeff
tells us that this'll be a mental AND physical Challenge (OK,
like we can PHYSICALLY put up with them; they ate SHARK, for
Burnett's sake!). There are sacks of puzzle pieces out in the
lagoon. Our job, of course, is to swim out, get all the pieces
and put them together. Once the puzzle is in place, it'll spell
out a word jumble which we must UN-jumble into a three-word
phrase. Once Koror figures out the phrase, they'll win Immunity
again! (Yeah,... I've lost all hope...) It's Coby and Gregg vs.
Steph and BJ for the Palau Tag Team Championship.
At the signal, we trade off sending swimmers to get the pieces.
First Steph and Gregg, then Coby and BJ. They swim to the
floating platforms and drag themselves into the briny deep to
retrieve the bags. Then they surface and bring them back.
What arrogant SOBs Koror have become! Not only do they get all
their pieces first, but they have time to wipe the puzzle board
dry! But we struggle through and get out our OWN pieces. Awful
lot of letters... nobody told us that "Scrabble" would be
involved here. Steph tries to get an upper hand by peeking over
at Koror's puzzle... but Warped Uncle Jeff points this out and
Coby blocks her view (now I know Jeff hates us)!
Well, anyway, like Britain against the Spanish Armada, Koror
destroys us with "VICTORY AT SEA". The Koror Idol goes back to
them (why they ever bothered bringing it after they moved to
their new beach is beyond me) and Rotten Uncle Jeff turns to us.
The GOOD news is they won't be voting tonight. (HEKE?!)
The BAD news is that someone WILL be going home tonight... and
an Immunity Challenge at Tribal Council will decide who stays
and who goes.
NIGHT 20/DAY 21: CAPTAIN...CAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAN!
I guess that, if there IS any good news, it's that
there'll be ONE Ulong on the Jury when all is said and done...
or so we think. With no merge these three days and none in
sight, it's beginning to look like a production of "Kill Bill"
since ONE of them will have to take out ALL of the 88 Dragons of
Koror by him- or herself.
Steph and BJ spend their last night together... talking. BJ says
that, should he win, he could see himself alone ala "Castaway"
for three weeks... and Steph is hoping she doesn't draw a face
on a coconut and make it her new best friend.
TRIBAL COUNCIL/IMMUNTIY CHALLENGE: THE FIRE STILL BURNS
Cantankerous Uncle Jeff "welcomes" us back to the Ulong Memorial
Supply Dump O' Doom and asks use how it would feel when one of
us is alone. They both say that it'll be hard... but they'll
Then Jeff gets to our own personal hell... er, Immunity
Challenge. It is the standard "make a fire high enough to light
your torch and you win" Challenge. Both are excited as they walk
to the Jury section and get their matches, kindling and coconut
husks. At the count of "Go", BJ gets to work. Steph is a little
more meticulous and, while, Bobby Jon gets his started first,
Steph's starts out higher. They add fuel to the fire at regular
intervals... but, in the end, it's Steph who lights the flame,
ready to be taken by relay team to Turin, Ita... (oops, sorry,
Bobby Jon, Steph has smokin'... it's time for you to go find
your brother Johnny Damon of the Red Sox.
And Malicious Uncle Jeff's "reward" for Steph? A nice long
rest... alone... in the woods. Gee,... thanks a lot!