"A Male Exotic Dancer,
a Female Host, a Stereo, and a Winnebago" - May 29
This premiered on the
Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. Could it be a bad
sign, or could it be the start of
something...well...memorial? I'll be your recapper to
figure out which category that this new show from VH1
will fit in.
Let's meet Billy Cross. Hi Billy. Billy manages a male
revue show called 'The Thunder From Down Under'. Yes,
it's from Australia, but it's also been regionalized
in 6 other countries. Billy is looking for the U.S. to
be country #8 - but he needs to find guys for his
show. He needs to get 7 of them for his show, so he
will travel across America to find the top 15 and
bring them to Las Angeles and drop them down to 7.
Joining him on his journey will be the lovely Rachel
Perry, who is also the narrator of the show.
We start off Day 1 with a journey to Santa Monica. We
are told that all of these people submitted
applications, but they want to ambush them all to see
how they will react with no preparation time. The
first person to ambush is Matt, who is a pro beach
volleyball player. Matt seems surprised - and even
more so when he is asked to perform with a beat box
that Billy brought with him. Rachel wonders if he's
too shy - and the fact that he showed less movement
than I do on the dance floor confirms it. Both Rachel
and Billy are disappointed, and despite Rachel trying
to coax him, it doesn't work. Billy tries again and
shows him some basic steps, but he can't even follow
that, and we have reject #1.
Disgusted with Matt, Rachel and Billy stroll over to
the nearby basketball courts to try to make it worth
their while. They find some people who they like - but
they are 16. Talk about cradle robbing.
The next people on their list are Shawn and Ray, who
are twins. They seem grumpy that they are asked to
help fix a bus, but when they find out what it's for,
they are thrilled to be out there. They tell Billy
that they were born to be strippers, adding that they
even have their own pole. Huh? They both take off
their clothes and strut their stuff. Billy thought
that Ray and Shawn both had rhythm, but no moves. The
total guys in L.A. - Zero. Billy isn't panicking yet,
but if you can't find any people in L.A. that are good
enough, that spells trouble.
Day 2 - We now journey to Vegas, and where else are
you going to find lovely showboys? Billy finds Johnny,
who wasn't accepted into the Blue Man Group. With a
pic that looks like he could apply for the 40 year old
version of the Blue Man Group, Billy is wondering why
he is there. Fortunately, he looks much younger in
person when they ambush him in the morning. Johnny's
girlfriend Svetlana looks on as Johnny, who says that
he always wants to be a visual performer, is still
upset about not being in the Group and spending two
years of his life in vain trying to make the group.
Will he trying in vain to impress Billy? Maybe, as
Billy is touching his Johnson while dancing, but Billy
seems to be impressed as Johnny listens to direction,
adding that he wants to sell sex appeal, but not in a
sleazy way. As the picture of Jesus on the wall is
watching, Billy asks Svetlana is she is ok with this.
She says she is fine with it and Billy seems to be
happy. He won't give a definite answer, but it looks
like he's a keeper. Rachel wonders about his
bitterness and if that's going to be a pattern if he
gets cut. Hmmm....
Next up is Xavier. He is an African-American who is a
19 year old choreographer, with a wife and kid. Billy
wonders if he's too good to be true, so he brings the
whole bus in to meet Xavier - who is in the bathroom.
Xavier says he'll be right out, but the crew is
waiting...and waiting...and waiting.....and waiting...
They wait for 27 minutes before they decide to go. At
that point, Xavier's mother-in-law takes action and
yells at him to come out. He explains that he was
grooming himself, but he gets scolded by Rachel and
Billy and he better show them something if he wants to
continue. He says that he's all about auditioning, so
Billy says that if he talks a big game, then he
wouldn't mind to see his whole cast watch him
audition. Sure enough, everyone from the bus comes in
to see him dance. Xavier does dance and does have the
moves, but Billy is worried about the fact that 1.
he's built like a beanpole and 2. he's 19 years old.
That and the lack of maturity (27 minutes in the
bathroom) causes Billy to say no.
Xavier didn't work out as planned. Maybe the open call
in Dallas will get some people. At Duke's Original
Roundhouse, Billy liked a bartender named David, a guy
named Kevin, who stripped down to (what Rachel called
it) a 'Blue Banana Hammock' and some other prospects,
but in the middle of the show, a fight broke out
between one of the prospects and security, which
prompted Billy and Rachel to hi-tail it out of there.
Still undaunted, the pair search the country landscape
to find 'cowboys' for the show. They run into Josh, a
24 year old 'Cow Doctor'. After taking his shirt off
and dancing with Rachel, it's painfully obvious that
something else besides cows needs to be fixed.
We continue in Pampa, Texas with Bryce, who is a 26
year old construction worker. He says that dealing
with screaming women is all you can ask for, as he
wants to go out and have fun. He takes off his shirt
and he looks incredibly ungraceful, with a couple of
extra pounds attached, but Billy thinks that Bryce has
potential and asks him to go to Los Angeles with him.
A relieved Bryce says yes and Rachel is ecstatic that
they FINALLY have someone to the point that she gives
Bryce a hug. AwwwBarf.
Day 5 - Sherman Texas - at the crack of dawn, the pair
meet Zebediah at his own home office. He says that his
motivation to do this is his kids - apparently, he
can't pay his child support, and his ex-wife says 'no
child support, no kids'. Based on his very thin
physique, it also looks like 'no trip to California',
as Billy thought he was cute, but not sexy. Zebediah
explains that he's broke and he needs to find a way,
and that captures Rachel. Unfortunately, it doesn't
capture Billy and tells Rachel no. His rationale - he
can't be emotionally attached to any of them, since
the idea is to have 7 people in a show - not to award
jobs based on hardship cases. He tells Zebediah, who
breaks down. Rachel in the room breaks down. Billy
stays strong...until he gets to the bus and breaks
down. Break Downs all around. AwwwBarf.
Day 6 - We have an open call in Little Rock, Arkansas,
where things may break down - for a completely
different reason. Rachel tells them all to maintain
eye contact and smile - and then we see a montage of
people who do neither nor are physically adequate for
this sort of competition. It does get salvaged by
Blake, who does a robotic strip tease number which
impresses both Rachel and Billy. Blake is a
just-graduated college student who desperately wants
to go to Los Angeles. He gets his wish - Blake gets
the pass to Los Angeles.
Day 7 - Oooooooklahoma. There are 2 potentials that
Billy wants to see. The first person is a restaurant
manager named Frank who comes to us from Midtown City.
They go visit him at his restaurant where Rachel
orders a nice tall slice of Frank. They see him, who
says that he has the looks, personality and ego to
match. Billy wants to know if he can dance, and the
answer is...uh...no. 'I was thinking, 'He's stomping,
he's got no rhythm. What am I doing here?'.
Apparently, getting a second chance to shape up is
good. Giving someone a chance to get coordinated is
not and despite Frank's pleading, Billy gives him the
Next up is Chris, who describes himself as a hairy
Greek. I don't think anything hairy would be what
Billy would want, but he decides to check him out.
They also find him at work as he starts to make moves
on Rachel. Wha? Chris is hesitant at first (not
because he doesn't want to, but because it's
freezing), and when he takes his shirt off, it's Billy
who's hesitant. Rachel comes to Chris's rescue though,
pleading with Billy to take him. Billy argues that
he's out of shape, but Rachel comes right back at him
by saying that he invited the much more out-of-shape
Bryce. Touche'. Rachel - 'Out of all the guys that
we've seen so far, this is the first guy that I'd
actually have sex with.' Yowzers!
They bring Chris inside of a garage and he impresses
Billy enough with his moves to get a pass to L.A.
Rachel - 'If he loses a little bit of weight, he'll be
fantastic.' Billy tells Chris the news in front of his
wife, and his eyes lit up like a Christmas Tree.
We are done with the first episode. Keep in mind that
he needs 15 guys. All he has is 3 definites (Chris,
Bryce and Blake) and 2 maybes (Johnny in CA and David
in Dallas). That doesn't even remotely come close to
the 15 people needed and Billy knows it. 'In the next
week, if I don't find another 12 guys, I'm going to
have a problem in my hands'.
With that, we are done with the first episode. Join us
in 7 days to see if Billy does indeed have a problem
on his hands.