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Auditions 3 - June 27

What is it saying when I can find the best comics of the summer in America's Got Talent? Hopefully, I can change my answer after watching the next hour's worth of auditions in Last Comic Standing. Hoping...but not hopeful...

'You don't know if someone is going to say something to high brow that you have to pretend that you get it...or you don't know if someone's going to throw a pie at you.' That quote came from Alonzo Bodden, and what he is talking about is British Humour. That humor will be on display for the next 30 minutes as Bodden, ANT and Kathleen Madigan go to merry old England to see the best they have to offer.

But, as usual, we start off with the worst they have to offer, beginning with Thoumas Yianni snoring through a microphone. Matt Kirshen, who has been doing comedy for 5 years, talks about this generation being the most unhealthiest - that is, if you ignore the kids growing up with the plague. 'What's more unhealthier, computer games, or trenchfoot?' Though that's not really an argument I can use, he advances to the callbacks.

Spencer Brown has been doing comedy for 8 years, and we have to get a translator, including Pensioner (Senior Citizen) Invalid Carriages (Wheelchairs), and going in slow motion to scare them. Kathleen compares Spencer to a wind-up toy who she'd love to take home. She can't legally do that, but she can take him to the callbacks, and that she does.

Rob Deb (London, England) is a fat guy who's auditioning for 'Harry Potter and the Table of Pies'. ANT calls him bad, to which he says, 'Thank You.' He wouldn't get that in America as we see a montage of British comics who get the gate from the mean old American judges. Apparently the contestants consider it constructive criticism...or maybe they just came in for the food.

Josh Howie, from West London, asks then to not follow them if he screws up. he created a Jewish Rap group called 'Circumcised', shaved a star of David into the back of his head and called himself Joshua X. The lyrics included 'Convert, B*tch, Convert'. Not my cup of tea, but he does advance and he doesn't have to worry about the cameras following him home in a crying mess this morning.  It could happen this evening though...

Tiffany Stevenson (London, England) says that the US is the only country that considers rich 40 year old housewives desperate. Heh. Tiffany talks about the hunky gardeners in the US while, 'Here, the gardener is Reg. He's 90 with an artificial hip. My main concern if I have sex with him is, 'Will he survive?' Very clever and Americanized, she gets in easily.

Andres Caballero is doing a psychotherapy sketch that either works or doesn't. This...doesn't. He winds up pinching his nipples to make ANT happy, but instead, it terrifies him and tells Andres to go away.

Ana Vidal (London, England) was a prison officer and learned comedy from the inmates. She talks about Islam and Hip Hop with the rappers taking the gold from the white guys. She has the emotional delivery of a brick, but the judges send her through.

Also on the list of questionables going into the next round is Buddy (London England) does a rambling comic sketch about sending a grape Fed Ex, because no one likes a raisin. We get another joke from Buddy as he calls ANT by his real name - Francis. He talks about spotting people wearing glasses, but then he stopped because people thought he was too good at it. I agree with ANT (Wha?), but we both get overruled by Alonzo and Kathleen, who pass him to the callbacks. Buddy wonders, after seeing the cameras, if he should have taken it a bit more seriously. I am wondering what time the men in the white coats show up to give Buddy his medication.

Bad Joke of the day #1. Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies! Duh. Zzzzz. Next!

It's time for the UK Callbacks, and fortunately, we don't see a warm-up from Bill Bellamy. We also don't see the Capitol One award given out, but we do see Josh Howie talks about being Jewish. 'I guess what it is that I really want to use my comedy to break down stereotypes...because apparently, there's a lot of money in that.'

Ava returns and talks about Madonna spending 1.3 million to buy a black child - and with 2 kids at home, she suddenly got excited about cashing them in. Heh. Much better delivery during the evening show for Ava. Not so much for Spencer Brown, who's jokes on tills falls flat.

Benny Boot (London, England) says that since the villain is always expecting James Bond, why doesn't he just buzz him up? Tiffany doesn't like public displays because she doesn't want guys to think she's not available. Rick Kiesewetter says, 'Sometimes it can be hard being Chinese...because I'm Japanese.' and jokes about being in a Chinatown and telling the tourists that everything is half-priced. Heh.

Much to ANT's (and my) chagrin, Buddy returns. 'Here I sit apart this bed. In a couple of second, I will be... I never know how this poem ends...I guess this is the time that I should be telling a joke.' Buddy gets to talk about a dyslexic cat that doesn't do much better. The act bombs, Kathleen Madigan puts her face in her hands, and ANT gives both of them an 'I Told You So' by forming a neutron bomb in his hands and expanding while making a booming noise. Buddy finally gets warm applause - when he leaves the stage.

Just on a side note here. THESE are the people who have kept the real funny people like Richard Ryder out and have put people like Buddy into the call backs. Note to the producers of Last Comic Standing 5 - Next season (if this GETS to a next season), can we please have REAL comic evaluators instead of alumni who are just looking for a paycheck? Please?

Matt comes back and talks about New Orleans, and what they will name it post-Katrina, comparing it to a dish washing detergent. 'New Orleans Ultra...Whiter than ever...that's a lovely reaction. First a boo, then a laugh, then a little my sex life.' I have another joke for you. Matt and Buddy walk into a bar...

We get to the final evaluations. Moving on is...Matt Kirshen? yeah, the Katrina joke will get him real far. Joining him is Ava Vidal, who can't believe it and was wondering if it was a joke. I am wondering that, too, especially when the last comic going on is Spencer Brown, who if you remember, had to have a translation guide pop up near him when he told his first set of jokes. Meanwhile, Tiffany and Josh, who actually WERE funny, don't advance. I'm sensing that the UK comics will be the first foreign ones out the door. And to sum it up quite nicely, here's Buddy - again, 'I feel the purpose of why I am here today is to make everyone else look good.' Truer words were never spoken.

And from 10,000 Brits to 10,000 lakes, we move to Minneapolis, the land of Season 1 finalist Dave Mordal, Bil Dwyer and Season 4 Champion Josh Blue. ANT says that there's something in the water, and if the cerebral palsic Josh lived there for all of his life, then obviously THERE IS something in the water.

James Francis welcomes us to Minnesota with a derby on his head and a satchel and umbrella on the floor. He talks about a Universal Thingamajig. Kathleen and ANT toss him out. Bob Zany talks about playing to the same crowd he had last night (a crowd of 3) and then not needing internet access when he finds that his hotel room is situated over a topless women's pool. He's funny and gets in.

Also funny, the self-proclaimed best looking man in comedy. He's got the glam going, but the jokes, 'People mistake me for Whitney Houston' and 'I blew a kiss and the mirror got pregnant'...not so much. ANT wants to see the comic's back - as in his backside when he walks out the door. Alonzo - 'You think he needs an audience?'

We get a montage of silly, wacky, stupid and bad comedy. A guy somersaults and says 'That's How I roll' while ANT wants to advance a comic who took his shirt off for him. Then we have a woman who takes a LIVE chick out of her pants. ANT - 'You can go. The chick can stay.'

Tommy Johnagin (Illinois) has an ex-girlfriend who had a pregnancy scare while he had a leave the state scare. He gets to come back Lil' Rel (Chicago, IL), has a '70's father who uses slang like 'Sucka' and 'Jivetown Turkey' and rambles in the '70s. He also advances as I'm getting real nervous about the Midwestern talent level.

Not as much dread as I am getting on these bad Test jokes. 2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A filet!

John Evans (LA) has his mom who e-mailed George Bush about the immigration laws. He's sure that George isn't going to read it, as the president didn't read the dossier on Iraq to begin with. I like this guy already. He gets the callback nod. Not so much Ben the Dairy Farmer, who milks for 6 hours straight and has Cowpal Tunnel. Ok, that's even worse than my jokes - not by a heck of a lot, but still worse.

We blend from here to a montage of bad, clicheed jokes that had Kathleen wondering why the contestants would pick THIS stuff to audition with. Tony Valle took some performance enhancing drugs. They didn't kick in as ANT buries himself under the cloth of the judges table. Hiawatha Rutledge starts with a strip club joke and is stopped midway through. Horace 'HB' Sanders asks if a man who's a diabetic could still be a sugar daddy. It got him $100,000 on Star Search, but it ain't going to work here. How is that CBS developmental contract going?

Will Tracey Ashley (Merrilville, TN) help us out here? She wants to train her kid to be a pit bull, but takes birth control pills like they were multi-vitamins. She gets in, which I can only believe is because it was either her of the girl who can pull livestock out of her pants.

Doug Benson auditioned for LA and got rejected by ANT for not being dynamic enough. He's going for a second try, and quite frankly will make the callbacks because...hell, Buck Star right now would make the callbacks and I'm shocked that we haven't seen him yet. He comes out much more dynamic and he says the exact same way - but with emotion. Alonzo and Kathleen are on the floor laughing and he gets ANT saying that he's glad Doug listened. Doug , 'All that matters to me is ANT's approval - and I got it.'

It's time for the evening callbacks. The Capitol One Audience Favorite returns, and so does Tommy, who talks about his mom who googles 'Cat Rape'. 'I think (the cat) is going to come back in a few days. She thinks that it's tied up in some dungeon wearing nipple clamps.' He's a lock to get in. Lil Rel talks about his mom with a cigarette voice and he was pretty good.

Doug Benson comes back with a more emotional tone and goes after the 'Stupid British People who tell him that it's ok to tweak a Buckingham palace guard.' 'Nothing clears up jetlag quicker than the crack of a gun butt against your skull'. Auggie Smith (Portland, OR) goes after the people who did 'Pimp My Ride' and makes a verb form out of it. Dan Cummins talks about a guy getting bit by a cobra. Eh.

Tracey Ashley gets offended by the advertising market and does a great ghetto rendition of advertising. John Evans wonders what would have happened if they put in the immigration policy 500 years ago while Bob Zany, on Hooters Airlines, says that his try is not the only thing in the upright position. It is cute, but the crowd doesn't seem too receptive to it.

Where did the cow take his girlfriend on his date? The Mooovies! Argh.

We actually had some good performances in the Minnesota callbacks. The rate that the judges are selecting though, I'm guessing that none of those people get in. The first comic to get in is...Doug Benson. he redeemed himself from the first audition, so that's acceptable. Also advancing is...Tracey Ashley, and...Tommy Johnagin (who gets the Capitol One Audience Favorite Award). That's it? That's it.

Next episode - Last Chance for the comics to make the Top 32 in Tempe. Join us in 14 days to see the last chance for the preliminaries.


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