Auditions 3 - June 27|
What is it saying when I can find the best comics of the summer
in America's Got Talent? Hopefully, I can change my answer after
watching the next hour's worth of auditions in Last Comic
Standing. Hoping...but not hopeful...
'You don't know if someone is going to say something to high
brow that you have to pretend that you get it...or you don't
know if someone's going to throw a pie at you.' That quote came
from Alonzo Bodden, and what he is talking about is British
Humour. That humor will be on display for the next 30 minutes as
Bodden, ANT and Kathleen Madigan go to merry old England to see
the best they have to offer.
But, as usual, we start off with the worst they have to offer,
beginning with Thoumas Yianni snoring through a microphone. Matt
Kirshen, who has been doing comedy for 5 years, talks about this
generation being the most unhealthiest - that is, if you ignore
the kids growing up with the plague. 'What's more unhealthier,
computer games, or trenchfoot?' Though that's not really an
argument I can use, he advances to the callbacks.
Spencer Brown has been doing comedy for 8 years, and we have to
get a translator, including Pensioner (Senior Citizen) Invalid
Carriages (Wheelchairs), and going in slow motion to scare them.
Kathleen compares Spencer to a wind-up toy who she'd love to
take home. She can't legally do that, but she can take him to
the callbacks, and that she does.
Rob Deb (London, England) is a fat guy who's auditioning for
'Harry Potter and the Table of Pies'. ANT calls him bad, to
which he says, 'Thank You.' He wouldn't get that in America as
we see a montage of British comics who get the gate from the
mean old American judges. Apparently the contestants consider it
constructive criticism...or maybe they just came in for the
Josh Howie, from West London, asks then to not follow them if he
screws up. he created a Jewish Rap group called 'Circumcised',
shaved a star of David into the back of his head and called
himself Joshua X. The lyrics included 'Convert, B*tch, Convert'.
Not my cup of tea, but he does advance and he doesn't have to
worry about the cameras following him home in a crying mess this
morning. It could happen this evening though...
Tiffany Stevenson (London, England) says that the US is the only
country that considers rich 40 year old housewives desperate.
Heh. Tiffany talks about the hunky gardeners in the US while,
'Here, the gardener is Reg. He's 90 with an artificial hip. My
main concern if I have sex with him is, 'Will he survive?' Very
clever and Americanized, she gets in easily.
Andres Caballero is doing a psychotherapy sketch that either
works or doesn't. This...doesn't. He winds up pinching his
nipples to make ANT happy, but instead, it terrifies him and
tells Andres to go away.
Ana Vidal (London, England) was a prison officer and learned
comedy from the inmates. She talks about Islam and Hip Hop with
the rappers taking the gold from the white guys. She has the
emotional delivery of a brick, but the judges send her through.
Also on the list of questionables going into the next round is
Buddy (London England) does a rambling comic sketch about
sending a grape Fed Ex, because no one likes a raisin. We get
another joke from Buddy as he calls ANT by his real name -
Francis. He talks about spotting people wearing glasses, but
then he stopped because people thought he was too good at it. I
agree with ANT (Wha?), but we both get overruled by Alonzo and
Kathleen, who pass him to the callbacks. Buddy wonders, after
seeing the cameras, if he should have taken it a bit more
seriously. I am wondering what time the men in the white coats
show up to give Buddy his medication.
Bad Joke of the day #1. Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies! Duh. Zzzzz. Next!
It's time for the UK Callbacks, and fortunately, we don't see a
warm-up from Bill Bellamy. We also don't see the Capitol One
award given out, but we do see Josh Howie talks about being
Jewish. 'I guess what it is that I really want to use my comedy
to break down stereotypes...because apparently, there's a lot of
money in that.'
Ava returns and talks about Madonna spending 1.3 million to buy
a black child - and with 2 kids at home, she suddenly got
excited about cashing them in. Heh. Much better delivery during
the evening show for Ava. Not so much for Spencer Brown, who's
jokes on tills falls flat.
Benny Boot (London, England) says that since the villain is
always expecting James Bond, why doesn't he just buzz him up?
Tiffany doesn't like public displays because she doesn't want
guys to think she's not available. Rick Kiesewetter says,
'Sometimes it can be hard being Chinese...because I'm Japanese.'
and jokes about being in a Chinatown and telling the tourists
that everything is half-priced. Heh.
Much to ANT's (and my) chagrin, Buddy returns. 'Here I sit apart
this bed. In a couple of second, I will be... I never know how
this poem ends...I guess this is the time that I should be
telling a joke.' Buddy gets to talk about a dyslexic cat that
doesn't do much better. The act bombs, Kathleen Madigan puts her
face in her hands, and ANT gives both of them an 'I Told You So'
by forming a neutron bomb in his hands and expanding while
making a booming noise. Buddy finally gets warm applause - when
he leaves the stage.
Just on a side note here. THESE are the people who have kept the
real funny people like Richard Ryder out and have put people
like Buddy into the call backs. Note to the producers of Last
Comic Standing 5 - Next season (if this GETS to a next season),
can we please have REAL comic evaluators instead of alumni who
are just looking for a paycheck? Please?
Matt comes back and talks about New Orleans, and what they will
name it post-Katrina, comparing it to a dish washing detergent.
'New Orleans Ultra...Whiter than ever...that's a lovely
reaction. First a boo, then a laugh, then a little clap...like
my sex life.' I have another joke for you. Matt and Buddy walk
into a bar...
We get to the final evaluations. Moving on is...Matt Kirshen?
yeah, the Katrina joke will get him real far. Joining him is Ava
Vidal, who can't believe it and was wondering if it was a joke.
I am wondering that, too, especially when the last comic going
on is Spencer Brown, who if you remember, had to have a
translation guide pop up near him when he told his first set of
jokes. Meanwhile, Tiffany and Josh, who actually WERE funny,
don't advance. I'm sensing that the UK comics will be the first
foreign ones out the door. And to sum it up quite nicely, here's
Buddy - again, 'I feel the purpose of why I am here today is to
make everyone else look good.' Truer words were never spoken.
And from 10,000 Brits to 10,000 lakes, we move to Minneapolis,
the land of Season 1 finalist Dave Mordal, Bil Dwyer and Season
4 Champion Josh Blue. ANT says that there's something in the
water, and if the cerebral palsic Josh lived there for all of
his life, then obviously THERE IS something in the water.
James Francis welcomes us to Minnesota with a derby on his head
and a satchel and umbrella on the floor. He talks about a
Universal Thingamajig. Kathleen and ANT toss him out. Bob Zany
talks about playing to the same crowd he had last night (a crowd
of 3) and then not needing internet access when he finds that
his hotel room is situated over a topless women's pool. He's
funny and gets in.
Also funny, the self-proclaimed best looking man in comedy. He's
got the glam going, but the jokes, 'People mistake me for
Whitney Houston' and 'I blew a kiss and the mirror got
pregnant'...not so much. ANT wants to see the comic's back - as
in his backside when he walks out the door. Alonzo - 'You think
he needs an audience?'
We get a montage of silly, wacky, stupid and bad comedy. A guy
somersaults and says 'That's How I roll' while ANT wants to
advance a comic who took his shirt off for him. Then we have a
woman who takes a LIVE chick out of her pants. ANT - 'You can
go. The chick can stay.'
Tommy Johnagin (Illinois) has an ex-girlfriend who had a
pregnancy scare while he had a leave the state scare. He gets to
come back Lil' Rel (Chicago, IL), has a '70's father who uses
slang like 'Sucka' and 'Jivetown Turkey' and rambles in the
'70s. He also advances as I'm getting real nervous about the
Midwestern talent level.
Not as much dread as I am getting on these bad Test jokes. 2.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A filet!
John Evans (LA) has his mom who e-mailed George Bush about the
immigration laws. He's sure that George isn't going to read it,
as the president didn't read the dossier on Iraq to begin with.
I like this guy already. He gets the callback nod. Not so much
Ben the Dairy Farmer, who milks for 6 hours straight and has
Cowpal Tunnel. Ok, that's even worse than my jokes - not by a
heck of a lot, but still worse.
We blend from here to a montage of bad, clicheed jokes that had
Kathleen wondering why the contestants would pick THIS stuff to
audition with. Tony Valle took some performance enhancing drugs.
They didn't kick in as ANT buries himself under the cloth of the
judges table. Hiawatha Rutledge starts with a strip club joke
and is stopped midway through. Horace 'HB' Sanders asks if a man
who's a diabetic could still be a sugar daddy. It got him
$100,000 on Star Search, but it ain't going to work here. How is
that CBS developmental contract going?
Will Tracey Ashley (Merrilville, TN) help us out here? She wants
to train her kid to be a pit bull, but takes birth control pills
like they were multi-vitamins. She gets in, which I can only
believe is because it was either her of the girl who can pull
livestock out of her pants.
Doug Benson auditioned for LA and got rejected by ANT for not
being dynamic enough. He's going for a second try, and quite
frankly will make the callbacks because...hell, Buck Star right
now would make the callbacks and I'm shocked that we haven't
seen him yet. He comes out much more dynamic and he says the
exact same way - but with emotion. Alonzo and Kathleen are on
the floor laughing and he gets ANT saying that he's glad Doug
listened. Doug , 'All that matters to me is ANT's approval - and
I got it.'
It's time for the evening callbacks. The Capitol One Audience
Favorite returns, and so does Tommy, who talks about his mom who
googles 'Cat Rape'. 'I think (the cat) is going to come back in
a few days. She thinks that it's tied up in some dungeon wearing
nipple clamps.' He's a lock to get in. Lil Rel talks about his
mom with a cigarette voice and he was pretty good.
Doug Benson comes back with a more emotional tone and goes after
the 'Stupid British People who tell him that it's ok to tweak a
Buckingham palace guard.' 'Nothing clears up jetlag quicker than
the crack of a gun butt against your skull'. Auggie Smith
(Portland, OR) goes after the people who did 'Pimp My Ride' and
makes a verb form out of it. Dan Cummins talks about a guy
getting bit by a cobra. Eh.
Tracey Ashley gets offended by the advertising market and does a
great ghetto rendition of advertising. John Evans wonders what
would have happened if they put in the immigration policy 500
years ago while Bob Zany, on Hooters Airlines, says that his try
is not the only thing in the upright position. It is cute, but
the crowd doesn't seem too receptive to it.
Where did the cow take his girlfriend on his date? The Mooovies!
We actually had some good performances in the Minnesota
callbacks. The rate that the judges are selecting though, I'm
guessing that none of those people get in. The first comic to
get in is...Doug Benson. he redeemed himself from the first
audition, so that's acceptable. Also advancing is...Tracey
Ashley, and...Tommy Johnagin (who gets the Capitol One Audience
Favorite Award). That's it? That's it.
Next episode - Last Chance for the comics to make the Top 32 in
Tempe. Join us in 14 days to see the last chance for the