Establishing shots of London: [Thank God we’ve left Paris; no more Eiffel Tower]
Night-shot of the Thames river and the London Eye ferris wheel. An anonymous building façade. Double-decker bus. The clock-tower with Big Ben and then a pan over to the Himbo Hotel.

Austen and Seth return triumphantly…well, at least until Austen smacks his fact into the door leading from the garage to the kitchen. They shout out (to the non-existent other people in the house), “Oh Lucy! We’re ho-ome!,” and then recite the Mouseketeer roll-call of all the guys who have been left in the dust.

Jerry comments to the camera that Austen and Seth are “complete opposites”. Seth says that he thought he would be the first eliminated, and is surprised by his longevity. In a flashback [and you can tell it is a flashback, because it is in black & white…like all my flashbacks are] we see Seth parading down an imaginary runway and mocking Ricardo: “Ricardo’s the name. Modeling is my PASSION!” In a near-non-sequitur, we hear Slavco talk about how he feels comfortable being naked, while we get to watch Ricardo dry-hump a couch in an attempt to impress some women they picked up in a bar. The background music [Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful”] rises as we are treated to a Slavtardo-fest of major proportions, culminating with Retardo apologizing for his demigod-like appearance: “It’s not my fault that my parents are good-looking.” [Thanks Retardo, that makes it all better now.]

Austen remarks that Seth has done some things out of Jerry’s sight that is “behavior unfitting of a kept man.” As if to punctuate the point, we see Seth toss some food [a frozen pizza maybe? A piece of pie?] which sticks to the kitchen ceiling. [While Austen may bitch about it, however, we see him smiling in response.] Seth finally decides to really try to do well. His next quote, however, is “Ahh! There they are, my lucky underwear. I’ve worn those for <<bleep>>ing six weeks straight. Yellow in the front, brown in the back.” Then he sniffs them, just to make sure.

The next day, Jerry instructs Katy to take the remaining guys on a tour, to tease them with a taste of what the “Kept Man Lifestyle” will be like. First stop: Savile Row, specifically Gieves & Hawkes, where they meet with personal tailor John Blanco. Seth saw some of the pricetags on the suits, and said they were about “four grand a whack; I’ll take two.” John says that Austen would look good in a suit. Austen asks, “What about him [Seth]? Is there any hope?” As Seth models his suit, John says, “In your case you are so short that we’ll have to take three inches off,” and then he “cracks [Seth] in the nuts with his hand” when measuring the inseam. Before they leave, John says “If you do become Jerry’s Kept man, I look forward to making you a few suits.”

Next is Clive Sutton Motor Cars, an exotic car dealership where they meet Richard Buckfield. Seth is really into cars and is really enjoying himself, especially when Austen can barely fit into any of the cars: “It’s like watching a monkey getting into a <<bleep>>ing cardboard box.” Outside they look at the Aston Martin V12 Vanquish, which Richard calls the “James Bond car”. Austen says, “I would be privileged to be hit by this car, let alone drive it.” Richard asks which car they would take if they became Jerry’s Kept man. Austen chooses the Aston Martin Vanquish: “There’s never been a blond James Bond.” Seth chooses the Lamborghini Gallardo. Austen finally figures out that he can’t play the game like Seth’s friend anymore, since there’s only the two of them left.

Next stop is Eagle Wharf to look at a riverside penthouse. They get a tour from Jodie McMullen, Jerry’s real estate agent. The place is decked out for an Architectural Digest photo-shoot, in a semi-Oriental minimalist style. Seth queries about the asking price, and Jodie tells them it’s 6.5 million [although we are not told whether this is Euros, Pounds, or possibly even American Dollars]. The tour seems much more of an Austen thing, as he comments on the designers used and pets the wallpaper [Yes, he pets the wallpaper].

Jerry and Rachel go shopping for strawberries and chocolate for Jerry’s double-date with both guys later that evening. [Don’t forget the whipping cream and handcuffs!] Oh no! Wait! It’s time for a black & white flashback sequence of all the terrible things Jerry has put the guys through. [Rather than repeat it all here, just see my previous recaps…] Jerry wants to make chocolate-covered strawberries, but has no idea how to melt the chocolate. Rachel suggests putting it in a saucepan or a wok. [A wok?!? No, you idiot! That’s why God invented double boilers, to melt chocolate. Oh, you’re hopeless.] Also, neither of them knows how to turn the stove on. Then, instead of dipping the berries into the chocolate, they dump them whole [stems and all] into the wok of melted chocolate and stir. They serve it up on a platter, as Jerry comments that “It looks like dog poo.” Rachel samples one [with a smudge of chocolate on her cheek that must have been artfully applied by an overeager producer, as it is obviously contrived] and makes a face. The whole mess is dumped into the refuse bin as Jerry realizes they must have done something wrong. The solution: Shopping. Jerry and Rachel go to a confectioners and buy some pre-made chocolate-covered strawberries, with Rachel still sporting the tell-tale chocolate smudge…but this time, it’s on her nose. [Get it? She’s a brown-noser. No, really! I’m not making this crap up this time.]

That evening, Seth and Austen show up at the London Eye ferris wheel. Jerry, Austen, and Seth all give their impressions to the camera about how the guys have been friends, but must now learn to compete against each other [just in case you, the viewer, hadn’t figured this out yet from watching the show or from the many times it has been mentioned already in this episode]…and…commercial.

Re-establishing shots of London:
The Tower Bridge spanning the Thames at night. Several Union Jacks flying outside of an Underground station. Big Ben [again] and Parliament. People driving on the wrong side of the road.

The guys step inside one of the London Eye egg-pods and give cheek-kisses to Jerry. They toast one another [apparently with sparkling Strawberry Boone’s Farm, as it would be too gauche to drink White Zinfandel]. Jerry hands out some of her “homemade” chocolate-dipped strawberries. Austen asks how she made them; she lies artlessly, but the guys seem to believe it, or at least act like they do. Jerry tells them that if there is anything they want to say, now would be a good time.
Austen: Seth’s married.
Seth: So is Austen…to a man.
Austen: I’m also getting a little sick of pretending I like Seth. [He tries to make it like a joke, but Seth says this is probably the most honest thing Austen has said.]
Seth: I’d like to say just thanks for having me. I had such a good time, it’s been so much fun. I’ve already basically won, getting to meet you and then go to Paris…I’ve been having a blast.
Austen: …[to Jerry] You were so cool, all your friends were so fun to hang out with… [Obvious attempts at flattery, that will get him nowhere]

Jerry tells the camera that both Austen and Seth were great fun, and she could tell that from their very first date at the pub [where Seth called Jerry’s friends old ladies, if you recall]. Austen has “blossomed” and Seth has kept his humor but has become “a proper gentleman”.

On the taxi ride back to Man-Whore Manor, Seth and Austen get into a little spat. Austen tries to apologize for his remark about it being hard to pretend to be Seth’s friend, which Seth seems to have taken more seriously than intended. But Seth just wants him to shut up, act like a man, and take responsibility for what he said like he meant it. Austen knows that Seth is actually upset either about the comment or something else, because he’s usually never quiet. Austen mentions that there has been a lot of tension in the house before [and we are treated to an extended B&W flashback, just in case you have short-term memory loss {although I do have to repeat Ricardo’s flashback comment that “It is on. It’s on like Donkey Kong,” because he’s such an idiot-douchebag}], but never between him and Seth.

The next morning the guys find that Jerry has sent them two “monkeysuits” to wear. [In a previous scene where we saw Seth in bed, one of the posters on the wall had been fuzzed out. Now we can see in the background that the poster is a photograph of a nude brunette holding something (a potted plant?) in front of her bush (another potted plant?) while standing in front of a Union Jack motif.] It looks like Seth has a dark red waistcoat while Austen has a black one, in otherwise identical tuxedos. They get into a limousine and head off to Addington Palace. [http://www.addington-palace.co.uk/] Seth channels Tina Turner from "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” as he muses about two men entering and only one man leaving. [Then we see a B&W flashback montage of all the guys Jerry has dumped.]

Jerry has invited her close friends to serve as an Inquisition for the remaining two guys. [“No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition! Colonel Fang, the comfy chair!”] The panel consists of Jeanne Marine (actress girlfriend of Bob Geldof), Rachel Fuller (Pete Townsend’s girlfriend), and Annabel Brooks (actress). [Katy is also at the table, but no one identifies her as an actress too.] Jerry gives a speech with all the things you would expect her to say. The camera never stays on her for more than a few seconds, making me believe she was probably using cue cards. The gist of it is that they have some questions for the guys:

Question #1:
Jerry: “Austen, why do you deserve to be my Kept man?”
Austen: He thinks he is multi-faceted and can mesh well with Jerry.
Seth: Thinks Austen used too many big words and starts to get scatterbrained when nervous.

Question #2:
Jerry: “Seth, why do you deserve to be my Kept man?” [Never saw that one coming, did you?]
Seth: He thinks he’s easygoing and good with people.

#3:
Jeanne: “Seth, why are you doing this?”
Seth: For the adventure. To meet new people and new cultures. To change gears in his life.
Austen: Know he’s going to get the same question – so don’t screw it up!

#4:
Jeanne asks Austen the same question
Austen: He wants an insight into the celebrity culture [Oops!] He knows that he rambles when he gives bad answers, but he just can’t help himself.
Seth: “I wanted to, like, give him an elbow, and be, like, dude, ‘Shut the <<fuck>> up. You’re going into too much detail’.”

#5:
Jerry: “Austen, describe each of my friends in one word.”
Austen: “Jeanne: demure. Rachel: intimidating. And then Annabel I think is really exciting. [that’s more than one word, I think] Uh…Katy: cold [Of course, because that is her role. If you want to see Katy as warm and inviting, go rent “Baker’s Dozen: Knead my Dough”]

#6:
Jerry asks Seth to do the same.
Seth: “Uh, Jeanne I’d say is cute. Rachel is, I’d say, hot. Annabel is sexy, and Katy is hot too.”

#7:
Rachel says that they have spies, and wants to know if there is anything the guys have said or done that they would like to take back if they could.
Seth: “No.” [But he immediately thinks they must have something on him.]
Austen: Talks about the night they brought home a bunch of girls who were topless in the pool.
Seth: Was so drunk he can’t even remember that night.
Austen: “I knew it was wrong the whole time. If she’s watching us, we’re dead.”

#8 [Are we really keeping track?]
Jerry: “Seth, can you explain this?” They show a videotape of Seth fondling a topless girl in the hot tub.
Perfect time for a commercial break…

After the commercial we actually see a little bit more of the video clip, including a shot with Seth’s butt intentionally hanging out of the back of his swimtrunks.
Seth: “I don’t even know that that was me.” [smirking]
Austen: “We’re guilty…”
Seth: “I’m not going to go with ‘Guilty’. I’m going to go with ‘Stupid and Drunk’.”

#9:
Jerry: “Austen, what can you tell me about this?” Video of Austen rather innocently cuddling, albeit with topless girls in the pool and hot tub.
Austen: Mutters something unhelpful to his cause about it being that girl’s birthday [and she was appropriately wearing her birthday suit, is that where you were going with it Austen?].

#10:
Rachel: “Austen, have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?”
Austen: No
Rachel: “Seth, have you ever cheated on Austen? [They all giggle] Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?”
Seth: His face turns serious, and he decides to go with the truth and say that he has.
Rachel: “How many times?”
Seth: “I’m trying to think. It was a few times.” And then he describes “partying” with a coworker at a time when he wasn’t getting along with his live-in girlfriend.
Rachel: “Well that’s quite honest, about being a bastard.” She seemed favorably impressed.

#11:
Jerry: “Tell me why you should win.” [Hey, wasn’t that the first question already?]
Austen: He’s in the perfect place in his life to be a Kept guy [good so far, Austen], then he starts to ramble a bit before finally stopping.
Seth: He put himself “out there”, while simultaneously tried to be himself. He wants to have a life-altering experience [apparently having ruled-out self-castration without anesthesia as an option].

The ladies retire to deliberate. Jerry starts the conversation by saying, “Austen is the Birken bag of accessories.” He makes the other men in the room nervous and leaves the ladies twittering, due to his good looks. Jerry then starts the name-dropping with Brian Ferry and Mick Jagger, for no apparent reason. Jeanne thinks Austen has charisma. Jerry wonders how one can graduate from Brown university and only have $80 in the bank, but Annabel retorts that he’s trying to become a writer [who must all suffer economically for their craft, I suppose]. Rachel says that she is “not fooled by the shyness of Austen. I think that there will come a day he will push you out the way [sic] to get in a photograph.” Annabel doesn’t think that Austen wants to become a celebrity.

Jerry switches to talking about Seth. They had a crummy date at 9:00 in the morning in a stinky cheeseshop, but he made her laugh. Annabel remembers Seth’s inappropriate comments about a pig’s asshole at a formal dinner, which would have been better in a pub. Jerry says, “Fact it. We always like the bad ones.” Rachel reminds Annabel that not everyone’s friends act appropriately at parties. Jeanne thinks Seth showed a lot of guts to admit his past transgressions. Annabel thinks Seth is much better with men than with women, and none of Jerry’s friends think his explanation for why he got involved was good. Jeanne asks Jerry when she started to see Seth as her potential Kept man, and she says it was his dance [dressed as an 18th century footman]; “It was bad, but it was funny.” Jerry says that Austen has been “good” at everything, while Seth has been good at some things but funny at everything.

Rachel asks the group who would fit in better amongst their mutual friends. Annabel says it is Austen. Jeanne also votes for Austen; “He’s fitting you more than Seth.” Annabel says Austen can hold a conversation and has opinions about things. Rachel says that Austen seems to be safe and would be politically-correct on every issue, and that that would get on her nerves. Rachel says that Jerry would have more fun with Seth. Jerry decides she needs to ask the guys a few more questions.

Jerry [to Austen]: “What would it do for me if you won?”
Austen: He feels like he would be a better confidante for her and could discuss any issue with her.
Jerry: Asks what he would do if she came to his house in London on a rainy day saying she was bored.
Austen: They’d bust out the Scrabble board, and she would crush him, even though he’s memorized all the 2-letter words. [Oh Austen, you blew it big time!]

Jerry poses the same question to Seth.
Seth: “I would probably take us on a little vacation. Spend a little of that money, get us out of town…Focus on establishing a platonic relationship and get to know one another.” [Homerun!]
Jerry: Let’s say it’s raining and I’m bored. What would you do?
Seth: Go downtown, lunch, get a paper, see what’s going on in the city.

B&W flashback montage; the guys wait nervously…and cut to commercial.

Katy calls for Austen and Seth and leads them back downstairs. Jerry’s friends all tell the camera what a wonderful and intriguing person she is [who incidentally is giving all of them loads of free publicity]. Jerry is standing in front of the two huge bouncers with the velvet rope, apparently taking Katy’s place for the final speech this time around.
Jerry: “You two are both unique and fabulous men. It would be an honor to have either of you on my arm. Austen, you are beautiful and it’s amazing that you also have such a bright, creative, and sensitive soul. But I’ve had my doubts about whether you could be open on an emotional level. However, you’ve shown today that you can bare your soul, and what a sensitive beautiful soul you have. Seth, you make me laugh, and that’s one of the most important qualities in a Kept man. However, I was worried that you were using humor as a shield [she pronounces it “shilled”] to hide behind. But, over the last few days you have shown a level of maturity I didn’t think was possible: truly a fabulous man. Austen, you seem to excel at everything you do…Seth, I sense that you need to be Kept more than Austen. I think you’d appreciate it more. However, a Kept man also needs to have a sense of ambition. I was a bit worried that perhaps you didn’t have enough ambition…[yada yada yada] Unfortunately, there can be only one Kept man.”

Jerry: “My Kept man is….”
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[Split screen, showing Seth on the left and Austen on the right]
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[Deep portentous chimes]
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[Split screen, showing Seth on the left and Austen on the right]
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[Deep portentous chimes]
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[Split screen, showing Seth on the left and Austen on the right]
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[Deep portentous chimes]
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Jerry: “…Seth.”
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Seth: “Wow!”
They walk arm-in-arm towards the velvet ropes. Seth thought Austen had it wrapped up, but will try to be the best Kept man he can be. Jerry says that Seth is himself all the time, and she finds his unpredictability exciting.

Austen mopes that he can’t bring anything to a relationship with Jerry that she doesn’t already have, but that Seth has a strong personality. Jerry says that she definitely would have gone for Austen had she still been in her 20s. Now that she is older, she wants to have a laugh, and Seth can give her that.

Seth and Jerry enter the deliberation room to meet Rachel, Annabel, and Jeanne. I was fully expecting a loud, “Well, hel-lo ladies!” from Seth, but he just said ‘Hello’, thanked them all, and said he was just as stunned as they were. Rachel appreciated that Jerry picked Seth, because she thinks they will have a better time together. Jerry said that is was a tough decision: “Caribbean holiday, or Scrabble?” After a brief drink, Seth says it’s about time he and Jerry left. He tells the other ladies “It has been unbelievable.” Just outside the castle, at the end of a red carpet, sits the Lamborghini Seth had been eyeing earlier. He opens the door for Jerry and they roar off.

Fade to Black.