Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper, and we are
here for the first American Idol Play by Play
Chico: After last night in Philly, I only have one thing to say. Star
Trek. Star Wars. A Time Lord cares not about these things.
Gordon: And Princess Leia...as a fat man
Jason: My eyes need hardcore porn after that one.
Gordon: And now, the participants. First of all, my partner in crime,
Mr. Chico Alexander.
Chico: Howdy hey. Next is the Canadian version of me, Don Harpwood.
Gordon: Finally, the nephew of Mr. 'No sex', Mr. Jason Block
Jason: Hardee har har
Gordon: If it makes you feel better, he was singing about me.
Chico: I'd believe it.
Jason: I definitely believe that
Gordon: So we have one city down, and a bunch more to go. Next up, the
state home of Kelly Clarkson - Texas
Jason: And Big D...Dallas.
Gordon: Everything's bigger in Texas, right?
Chico: The talent...The ... absence there of... "THIS.... is American
Idol!" Tonight, we head to Dallas, home of the Stars, the
baseball-playing Rangers, and the first American Idol, Burleson's own
Jason: And we are live!
Gordon: Big Hair, Big Heat, Big Men dressed as women. And...a.baby
Jason: Remember that?
Chico: Holy moley.
DALLAS, TEXAS - Texas Stadium
Gordon: We have a baby born while on line, but the singer...not good
Chico: 13,000 people.. will we find the Idol amongst them? Paula's
fashionably late, and we're ready to start with...Jessica Brown
Gordon: Jessica does music..and did meth on a daily basis
Jason: Former Meth Addict, now a clean, stay at home mom
Chico: First song she sang was Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"
Chico: Jessica Brown (24; Longview, TX) She sings "I'll Stand By You".
Jason: And has a voice.
Gordon: Ill stand by her voice. She sounds pretty good
Don: She sounds really good.
Chico: Yeah, she needs to step it ... oh, never mind. Nice control.
Simon thinks she made the song interesting. THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD.
Jason: And she gets through...just like the 1st guy last night.
Chico: Oh yeah.
Jason: Who is one of my faves right now. He was damn good.
Gordon: And the family mobs her
Chico: Next up, dance party...courtesy of Paul Stafford.
Gordon: He's a baseball park attendant. This has strike out written all
Jason: Oh boy. Here we go. I like that he likes Roller Coasters...
Gordon: Paul likes scary rides. I have a feeling we're in for a scary
ride. And he singe Former Idoler Elliott Yamin's 'Wait For You'.
Jason: I am waiting for this to end.
Gordon: And....strike out.
Gordon: Ok. Note to singers. If you are going to sing an Idol song, you
better NAIL THE SONG.
Chico: Anyone get the age/city?
Gordon: Based on the performance...irrelevant
Gordon: Paula called it Joyful and a nice kid. Simon says says
enthusiastic...and they don't rip the kid a new one. Im impressed.
Don: Well, it could've been worse...
Gordon: I'm sure we'll be getting to worse
Chico: They're saving worse, I'm sure
Gordon: And looking at the coming attractions, we'll be getting worse.
Gordon: Beth will be singing Kelly Clarkson.
Chico: And we have some Kelly fans in the house. Beth.. is one of them.
Gordon: She was a singing waitress. This could be good...or bad. Make
Jason: Way bad.
Chico: Beth Maddocks (18, Coppell)
Jason: Too high in the register and screaming.
Gordon: Horrible choice of song.
Don: *Turns the volume down*
Gordon: Again. If you do an Idol song. NAIL IT. See above.
Chico: Not surprisingly, the judges pass.
Gordon: This could be a theme. For the next hour, it's a theme.
Chico: Esteban Deanda (20, Sweetwater)
Jason: This hurts.
Chico: Alaina Whitaker (16, Tulsa, OK)
Gordon: 1. Didn't sing a Carrie song, which is good. 2. She took a song
that was good for her vocal range and did a good job. FUTURE CONTESTANTS
Don: I like this one.
Gordon: I agree with Simon. It's a good audition, but her voice needs to
mature a little
Chico: THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD
Jason: She is 16.
Jason: Very good.
Gordon: She is very good. If she listens and takes notes, she has Top 24
Jason: I have two people in my top 24 from last night.
Chico: I've got Joey Catalano and Kristy Lee Cook, and maybe Christ
Jason: Joey and Kristy. They were phenomenal. Kristy Lee Cook could be
top 12 if done right.
Chico: And returning to the show, we have... cows.
Gordon: Here's a duo - Greg and Mia Tobias
Chico: Speaking of cows..
Don: I think some damage was just done to my ears.
Jason: Out of Sync....
Gordon: That was udderly dreadful
(Boos in 5...4....3...2)
Gordon: My fanbase. How they adore me.
Chico: Next is Bruce... and his father... and a promise. He's never
kissed a girl or had an intimate relationship...He was given a key for
the heart of his future wife... whoeer she may be. This is disturbing.
Bruce Dickson, 19, Bastrop, TX
Chico: "Ain't No Sunshine" when he goes...
Gordon: He needs to get some maturity in that voice
Chico: I think he cooked it. Simon nailed it. A good voice that doesn't
sound good on TV.
Jason: Wow. I was surprised.
Chico: Come back next year. Don't give up.
Gordon: It was a good audition, but I agree with the judges on that one.
He needs to mature - both vocally and personally. One year later, and he
may do very very well.
Chico: Next is Pia, a model and a musician. Pia Easley (24, Chicago)
Gordon: And maybe she will sound like Pia. Yow! That's hot.
Jason: She is hot. And can kick my butt :)
Chico: She's very different. Very good. A lot of range on that.
Gordon: Different, interesting and diverse - and aggressive. And hot.
Does she want my number?
Chico: Give her your number, dude.
Jason: In your dreams :)
Gordon: 555-Welcome to hollywood
Chico: Nothing strange or unusuall yet. Brandon hopes to change that.
Gordon: Brandon's got a brand new bag...of fingernails
Gordon: Well at least if he gets turned down, he can give the judges the
finger thousands of times.
Gordon: And he wants to be a positive influence. That would be a good
tip to the youth.
Chico: Brandon Green 23, Lucendale, MS
Gordon: He tries to nail the song 'Rich Girl'
Chico: He would've probably nailed it if he didn't cook it so badly and
oversing. Simon calls it "Forgettable'.
Gordon: Randy liked the tone. It didn't feel like nails scraping on a
Chico: It's up to Randy.
Gordon: Pauls says yes because she doesn't want to stick out like a
Chico: BAD GORDON.
Chico: 2-1, THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD.
Gordon: Randy gives him the yellow paper and Brandon nailed a trip to
Jason: Not great. He wont make it.
Gordon: He won't. He'll get nailed before the Top 24.
Chico: Kayla Hatfield is next. She's 24, lives on a farm, has two
children, and was in an accident at 18. Basically, family all thought
she was dead. But she pulled through. She has one good eye and a full
future ahead of her Kayla Hatfield 24, Campbell, TX
Jason: Not sure....
Gordon: She's got spunk. She needs direction
Chico: Powerful, but misdirected.
Gordon: Me and Chico...agree?
Chico: Weird. "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin.
Gordon: Simon says...yes?
Gordon: Randy says no. Simon is trying to convince Paula to say yes?
Don: Okay, now this is weird.
Chico: .... And here we are. THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD
Jason: This was a sympathy one. But she gets her shot. And that's cool.
Gordon: Ok. It's feel good. She's not getting past the first round
there. Truly a feel good spunky attitude glad to be here, which is why
Chico: What's it say on the paper? What's it say on the golden paper?!
"YOU ARE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!"
Gordon: And Somewhere, after seeing that audition, the guy who has never
been kissed is throwing his key and locket at the tv screen.
Chico: Knowing him, he's probably looking for her unlisted phone number.
Chico: Next Erick Mauldin (21, Arlington) Very thin voice. Very fat man.
Gordon: And the singing can be described as Maudlin
Chico: Charles Markham... same story
Gordon: Marked for out.
Chico: Tristan Clements...
Gordon: Not as bad, but we need Clemency
Chico: Soy triste
Jason: Kady Malloy, 18, Houston, TX.
Chico: She does impressions of Britney, Shakira, and the guy from Rascal
Gordon: She's singing well...imitating Britney Spears
Chico: ?Now we get to hear the real Kady... and we're all the more
thankful for it. Because this is her..
Gordon: She sings Unchained Melody. She'll get in, but I liked her doing
Chico: The only thing is... She's affected to the hilt.
Gordon: She is affected. I don't see her making the Top 24. but
she's...Simon called her the best so far??!!?!?
Chico: She sings "like someone else".
Chico: Simon's going to make Kady his pet project. I know it.
Jason: Right on.
Gordon: Yepperz. Kady Underwood
Jason: Day 2 in Big D
Gordon: Douglas looks like troubloe.
Chico: Douglas Davidson, 28, is from Austin. He takes tips from
Don: Oh, geez.
Gordon: You sure it wasn't Christina Applegate?
Chico: Family doesn't know he's singing today. His father thinks that he
won't amount to anything on this. He warms up before singing.
Gordon: And after hearing him warm up, I don't think he will amount to
anything worth singing about, either.
Chico: He Sings Living on a Prayer'.
Jason: Hell no.
Gordon: I'm praying this ends quickly.
Chico: He needs a little more warmup, dude.
Jason: He needs a lot of warmup
Don: I think his father is right.
Jason: Why are they letting him do this?
Chico: it's good television
Jason: No it isn't
Chico: Someone thinks this is.
Gordon: It was good until he kept going and going and going.
Gordon: Simon has had enough. I have had enough.
Chico: "I don't want to hear any more of this stupidity."
Jason: Get out...He is mental!
Gordon: Douglas is no longer listening. Douglas is now on his own
Don: They need security in there now.
Chico: "Welcome to "How Much Is Enough", American Idol edition."
Gordon: Paula is trying to keep Douglas around. I'm convinced that Paula
is just trying to annoy Simon
Gordon: Simon's security takes him to a better place - mainly, out of
Jason: And that was just delusional.
Chico: Next, Angela Riley just got married. Now she's hoping to get a
honeymoon in Hollywood. Her husband is a professional model...Chad,
who's now in the audition room, suggests "Baby Love"...Angela Reilly
Gordon: And now he can get her professional singing lessons
Jason: And that was the wrong choice.
Chico: Uh, yah. She overcooked it. Chad loved it.
Jason: He would :)
Chico: That's love, right there.
Don: Of course.
Chico: Judges... not so much.
Jason: Love is deaf...love it.
Chico: Chad suggests another song, ... "Hit Me With Your Best shot" Not
Gordon: I would be much happier if she got half of the lyrics right
Chico: I don't think song choice is the issue here. Moral of the story:
Reality check, love is deaf, and poontang is poison.
Jason: Oh boy.
Gordon: And Chad the model...doing nothing to break the mnodel
Chico: I hear America's most Smartest Model 2 is casting.
Gordon: He's got that VJ look down. But at least they love each
Chico: What've you got if you ain't got love, right
Gordon: Money? :)
Chico: Heh...Back in Big D... and we have a politician.
Gordon: Kyle wants to run for your American Idol vote.
Chico: He's a junior at OK state. My name is Kyle Ensley, and I approved
Chico: He sings "Somebody to Love" by Queen. Holy crap, he's good.
Gordon: He has a voice in there somewhere. The song selection is
ghastly. If he gets in, it's barely
Chico: Simon likes it. Randy... non-plussed. And it's obiovus that
Randy's been to an Achordants concert =p. He said no.
Chico: It's up to Paula... don't say no to a future President, Paula.
Gordon: Simon doesnt want Kyle to do weird hair things liike Clay.
Chico: Paula... What the heck. Let's go to hollywood.
Gordon: Kyle won Paula over. It's hie first campaign win.
Chico: Tammy Tuzinski kinda looks like Jorja Fox. She loves Celine Dion.
if she were any more animated, she'd be a mannequin.
Gordon: Train wreck in 5...4....3...2...
Don: It's a good thing they put in clips of an excited crowd in there,
or else I'd have fallen asleep.
Chico: Tammy Tuzinski, 24, Grapevine
Gordon: She sings 'The Power of Love'. Too bad the lyrics aren't from
The Power of Love. It's from 'If you Asked Me To'.
Gordon: She changes her mind
Gordon: NOW she decides to sing 'If You Asked Me Too'
Gordon: Unfortunately, she doesn't change her vocals. Yuck.
Jason: Oh boy.
Chico: Doesn't change much about that, does she?
Gordon: So Tammy looks like Jorja Fox. She sounds like Brer Fox.
Jason: Way no.
Gordon: She says she's not ready yet.
Chico: She'll keep on keeping on, though.
Chico: Next up, Colton Swann plays in a band with his brother.
"Boondocks". Colton Swon 18, Muskogee, OK
Jason: Nice rock voice.
Chico: Country rock, but yeah.
Gordon: Eh. I think it's ok. But he's in tune, so he'll get in
Jason: Right. He is middling.
Chico: It's so-so. Paula likes the song. Simon thinks it's okay. Randy
Jason: Not impressive.
Chico: THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD. But he needs some serious work done.
Gordon: I see one thing in common. No one that got in that we see...is
Jason: We are back with a drag queen
Gordon: Welcome to American Transvestite Idol
Chico: Where the men... are men. And the women... are men.
Gordon: And the men...sound like women
Jason: And the sheep are nervous.
Chico: Edna Turnblad, run and hide
Gordon: I'm waiting for Ben Dover to audition
Chico: Next is Drew Poppelreiter from Mississippi, a real cowboy.
Jason: He is going onto Hollywood. Trust us.
Chico: If we're playing the Jason Block American Idol. "Check Yes or No"
Gordon: Check Yes
Chico: Drew Poppelreiter, 21, MS.
Gordon: Josh Gracin with a Voice
Chico: ... was just about to say that. Not Simon's thing. Randy liked
it, though. Paula says that he is who he is.
Gordon: Paula wants some wow factor, but puts him in.
Gordon: And when Simon challenges Paula to disagree with Randy,
Chico: Next, it's time to Rock with Kyle Renick... we hope.
Gordon: He's not going to Hollywood. Trust us.
Jason: Got it :)
Chico: He says he's edgy. He's a counselor.
Gordon: Good. Because I may need some counseling after this.
Chico: "Never Again" is the song. Kyle Reinnick, 20. See "the Idol song"
Gordon: 1. A man singing a woman's song. 2. Singing an song by an Idoler.
3. Singing both things horrifically out of tune. All very very bad
Gordon: Randy wants to know if the kids were scared when he sang. I was
Jason: I was. Help me daddy
Chico: Simon thought it was "slightly demonic"... yeah.
Gordon: You gonna protect me, Daddy Chico?
Chico: Behind the protective shield...
Gordon: Protect me and Jason, Daddy
Don: I feel like hiding in a corner.
Gordon: Protect all of us, Daddy Chico
Chico: Everyone, go in the corner...I'm...I'm scared too. Kyle, stop.
Jason: Please stop.
Gordon: 3 Nos and Kyle is gone.
Chico: He's got the crazy eyes.
Gordon: I'm sensing more crazies though
Don: No kidding.
Jason: We have 20 minutes to fill
Chico: Remember Kelly Clarkson? Remember her first audition?
Jason: And we have the montage
Chico: Remember her biggest hit since? "Since U Been Gone"?
Gordon: And we have a Since You've Been Gone Montage
Chico: Yes, it's another fake-audition montage.
Gordon: You can't go through idol without a fake-ass audition montage
Chico: Simon: "I now officially hate that song." Let's go back to
Burleson, TX, where we find 24-year-old Nina Shaw. And as we talk about
Kelly more... She sings "Run to You".
Gordon: Dreadful choice of song
Chico: And there must be something in the water in Burleson, I think...
Jason: I dont like it.
Gordon: The voice is good, but the song choice is bad.
Chico: Second shot: "Feeling Good".
Gordon: She needed to go new concept
Chico: Randy liked the second shot. Simon didn't/
Jason: I dont like her.
Chico: Paula's the decider... again. Welcome to Hollywood.
Gordon: She gets in, 2-1, but she MUST get younger in a hurry.
Chico: There is a difference between ... Thanks, Ryan, for stealing my
line... retro and old-fashioned.
Gordon: I agree with Simon, She's old fashioned. Look at what the kiddie
voters did to old-fashioned last season.
Chico: What did they do, Gordon?
Gordon: Old School Melinda Doolittle - no finals. 19 year old Sanjaya -
goes very far. 19 year old Jordin - wins competition.
Chico: There's one more person waiting.
Gordon: We have...a walking sheet of tin foil
Chico: He is white. He is silver. He is a cowboy ninja superhero pimp
Jason: William Hung 2.0
Don: Oh, boy...
Chico: Ladies and gentlemen.... introducing our final Dallas audition...
Gordon: Imagine William Hung in an outfit created by Huggy Bear if he
was designing his outfit in heaven and added a Hershey kiss wrapper as a
Don: Um... Yeah.
Chico: Renaldo Lapuz (44, Reno, NV)
Gordon: By the way, The Human Candy Wrapper is 44 years old, which
means...this is a waste of time.
Chico: And this guy got past the producers... how?
Don: No clue.
Gordon: If you wore THAT, Chico, you'd be able to get in and sing. Why
don't you wear a robe with nothing under it but your boxer shorts. You
like singing in your boxer shorts, don't you?
Gordon: He actually does not have a bad voice
Jason: That's true.
Gordon: And Paula is dancing along.
Chico: Too bad this is all a joke.
Gordon: Simon 'I have a horrible feeling that this is going to be a hit
Chico: They share a man-hug, though. *slow applause* He thinks Simon is
the second coming.
Gordon: and Reynaldo calls Simon a great person
Chico: Recap, 24 Dallas auditions going to Hollywood.
Gordon: 24 people agree with him, as they advance
Gordon: I think next year Chico should go in with a robe with his boxer
shorts and sing the 'Where in the World is Carmen San Diego' Theme.
Chico: On that note, I think we're going to call Dallas a day. Next up,
we're going to San Diego. Who's going to Hollywood from that group? Find
Gordon: We'll see in 7 days if whatever Philip Rivers is drinking is
Chico: We're the Idol team... and we approved this message. Good night