Episode 5 - October 26
 
The ladies are back in the limelight as a number of crazy girls put themselves through crazy sacrifices so that their loved ones can do some crazy sports fantasy.

And we have our first THEMED show; all four (yes, I said FOUR; apparently the rules have been changed for this 90-minute episode), apart from their regular jobs, are also dancers for the NBA. Here are the pom-pomers and their loved ones:

DEANNA CLOVER
Team: Orlando Magic
Other Profession: Alice in Wonderland "walk-around" at Walt Disney World
Playing for: Donna Jo Hinson
Relation: Mother
Dream: Cycling with Lance Armstrong

KATE ARNOLD
Team: Washington Wizards
Other Profession: ???
Playing for: Charles Arnold
Relation: Father
Dream: Play golf with Jack Nicklaus at Pebble Beach

BROOKE BANDURA
Team: Phoenix Suns
Other Profession: Nanny
Playing for: Jacob Talbot
Relation: Nephew
Dream: Ride with Jeff Gordon

NICOLE BELL
Team: Chicago Bulls
Other Profession: Pension analyst
Playing for: Lucille Bell
Relation: Grandmother
Dream: Sit in the press box at Wrigley Field where Harry Carey used to sit

(And, just like in "Fear Factor", ESPN wants to cover their asses. So they let you know that these stunts are put together and overseen by "trained professionals" [whatever THAT means]. So even if you WOULD do anything, you're not on TV...so DON'T DO ANYTHING THEY'RE DOING!)

SACRIFICE 1: PAIN - FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS

The FOUR teams meet by a lake and greet your host George Gray for the first sacrifice... right after George explains who winning sacrifices work. Win one, advance to the Final. Win two, knock TWO players out. Win all three, CHOOSE which ONE you face in the Final. Either way, at least ONE team will be eliminated before the Final.

The first sacrifice is a little "sport fishing", ESPN-style. Instead of trying to reel in a large-mouthed bass, they'll have to reel THEMSELVES onto a large-motored boat! They'll start on the beach hanging on to a fishing rod hooked to the boat. The boat will ride around the lake and the two that hang on the longest will compete against each other in the second part of the sacrifice.

First up is Brooke who just hopes she can hang on and not swallow too much water (great insight, girl). She runs down the beach while hanging on to the pole and, once the boat really takes off, she... I guess you could call it "planing" or "breast-skiing" or whatever but she keeps her head WAY above water. When the boat turned, though, her neck gave out (so SHE says) and she let go in a time of 36.06 seconds. Nicole is next out and SHE has a DIFFERENT approach: she rolls onto her back instead of gulping in lake water. She eventually spins to her side to get a better grip on the pole, but she loses it at 42.39, meaning that Brooke is "on the bubble" for this event.

Kate is next, having to beat 36 seconds to advance. However, she runs down the beach, plops her head in the water... and no sooner does the boat take off than the pole takes off... without Kate's hands around it. She barely made it 7 seconds and she's eliminated from the sacrifice. She claims she tried to follow Nicole's example and the jolt just yanked the pole out of her grip. This means Nicole is in the second round and Deanna needs to beat Brooke's time to advance as well. Deanna tried to do the same thing... but she likewise let the pole slip out of her hands. Not even ten seconds, so Brooke and Nicole advance to the next round.

The second round will have the ladies hanging onto a "boom pole" off the SIDE of the boat (usually used for barefoot skiing) as the vessel speeds at
up to 45 MPH. The one who holds on the longest wins the sacrifice. Since Nicole hung on to the fishing pole the longest, she gets to go second.

It was nerve-racking for Brooke, seeing that boat a mere 6 feet from her and, as they started, she was just hoping she wouldn't fly under it (real Mensa student, she is). When the boat hits top end, it feels like the skin of her legs is being stripped off under the bodysuit. But she hangs on for 38 seconds...though at the cost of her toenail polish being ripped off. (YIKES!)

So all Nicole has to do is hang on to the pole for longer than 38 seconds and she's one step closer to getting her grandmama into Harry Carey's seat. Brooke says she was trying NOT to cry as they make it to the beach, which does NOT help Nicole's confidence much. But she got into the water and endured. She kept her head to the side in order to breathe air, but the water slamming against her thighs and tummy was tough. But, eventually, she got past 38 seconds, causing the boat to stop with her STILL hanging on and winning the sacrifice. Nicole can't stop laughing, Lucille is happy... but Brooke and Jacob are not.

SACRIFICE 2: PAIN - EAT & RUN

The next stop for the Ford F-150s and the teams within is a high school athletics track... with various tables set up in the lanes. After congratulating Nicole again for making the Final, George tells that the next sacrifice is a "5K Buffet".

There will be 9 tables set up along the five-kilometer course (that's 3.1 miles or 12 1/2 laps of the track) on which each is a half-pound of food which must be consumed before continuing. The menu is, in order: nachos, ribs, cole slaw, a milkshake, chicken wings, a hamburger, potato salad and a desert of M&Ms(TM). (And who says Survivor is the only one that can do product placement!) First one to consume all 4 1/2 pounds of food and cross the finish line wins the sacrifice. If no one crosses within 90 minutes, whoever is the furthest along wins.

Some of the girls work with their loved ones on strategy, but Brooke is more concerned what all this food will do to her figure. It's 103 degrees on the field when the race begins. Kate wanted to be the first one around to get an edge, but the heat stopped her. Deanna, who was on of the first around the track to the nacho table, wanted to down the food quickly since she LOVES Mexican food...but a full PLATE of nachos is another thing. As it is, Nicole is the first one off the chair with an empty plate and a LONG lead, with Kate in second. Deanna and Brooke bring up the rear tied for third.

Nicole is WAY ahead as she approaches the ribs. As she chows down on those pork bones, Kate walks her way to the table, not wanting to be out of breath to start HER plate o' pig. Brooke and Deanna saunter their way to the table... but Deanna sounds like she's horking up a hairball. Nicole is like an eating machine; she devours those ribs in record time and takes off on her next lap. Kate has trouble making "all gone" with HER plate, but she takes off in a distant second. As Nicole starts to down her cole slaw, Brooke and Deanna start to finish their ribs... and Deanna looks ready to hurl. George jogs a bucket over to her... and she jogs WITH it as she drafts Brooke and Nicole (who finishes her lettuce and mayo salad).

Brooke's strategy changed, feeling that the one who pukes first will win. (Ah, yes, the famous "Bulimia Strategy"; I saw in on "Any Given Sunday", I believe.) As she struggles around the track to the fourth table, Jacob says he'll gladly finish the race FOR her if she can't go on. Kate's in second with a half-hour to go. She downs the milkshake as Nicole, still in the big lead, struggles to get the chicken wings down. She's having SO much trouble (on account that she HATES them), in fact, that Kate WALKS the lap and sits down WITH Nicole to start on HER wings. Brooke then makes it a three-woman race again. Nicole chokes down the wings and sprints out, still in first but not by much anymore.

At long last, somebody spews... and it's Nicole as she bellies up to the chili. She is still swallowing the wings and has a hard time with the chili. Deanna isn't much better as she's stopped eating altogether and is hunched above her bucket. Kate catches up to Nicole again and starts to down the "yuck" (that's what SHE calls it) as Nicole is slumped over her plate. Brooke gets more advice from Jacob: if you plug your nose eat with one hand, you can't feel the taste. It's not helping her, though, and SHE eventually horks.

Nicole is in a slight lead as they leave the chili with less than 20 minutes left. The lead lengthens, though, when Kate spews into HER bucket. Brooke follows suit again not too soon afterwards. And Deanna, still stuck on the wings, has seen the girls lap her twice as has all but given up. Up to the burger goes Nicole, already feeling VERY sick just LOOKING at it. Kate arrives not too soon afterwards...and asks to dump Nicole's bucket before she can start. Good thing her stomach is expandable.

With ten minutes left, it looks like a race between Nicole and Kate, as Brooke and Deanna seem to be out of the running. Nicole actually tries to egg Kate on to continue... before she makes a ANOTHER full puke... which, of course, causes KATE to spew as well. It's getting so that every bite of food makes the ladies caused them to empty their stomach contents in a fit of reverse perstalsis. Kate FINALLY downs the burger and takes off in a jog, with Nicole mere SECONDS behind. As Brooke and Deanna watch, the two girls are neck-and-neck as they jog to table #8 and the potato salad. There's just about five minutes left, so it just might come down to who can eat the most of that nasty salad. Part of the way into it, both girls hurl. But they do their best to choke the salad down... even if it doesn't stay down.

30 seconds to go...and Kate gulps down the last of the salad and jogs off, leaving Nicole in the struggle. She cannot finish in time and, by a third-of-a-lap and about an eighth-of-a-pound of food, Kate wins the sacrifice and gets closer to Charles yelling "FORE!" at Jack Nicklaus. Brooke feels the worst of the other three, getting VERY frustrated at the curves they've sent her way.

SACRIFICE 3: SHAME - TO BE OR NOT TO BE...HUMILIATED

George meets the four antacid-laden contesti and their loved ones on a stage of a theater. He reminds Brooke and Deanna that this is their last chance; ONE of them (and possibly both) will be going home. Their final sacrifice is re-enacting a famous monologued scene from a sports-related movie. They will be judged by three celebrities and the one that portrays the scene the best wins the sacrifice.

Kate (who has a theater degree) chooses "Caddyshack", Deanna has "On the Waterfront", Nicole has "Any Given Sunday" (I swear I didn't know that was coming) and Brooke is left with "Field of Dreams". They go into separate dressing rooms to get costumes and rehears their lines. It's a bit tougher for some than for others, but they don't have much time to perfect it; it's almost showtime.

First up on the stage is Kate, who does the "Dali Lama" story done by greenskeeper Carl (played by Bill Murray) in "Caddyshack". Anyone who has seen the film more than twice can more-or-less recite this scene... but, though Kate gets the words right, she's a little...dramatic about it. Obviously, she's never seen the film and the dead-beat style used by Murray. But she did all right. Next up is Deanna, who has put on the boxing gloves to portray Terry Malloy (as done by Marlon Brando) in "One the Waterfront". The "I coulda been a contenda" monologue was a bit shorter than Kate's, but she still stumbles through the words. She does well to work through her shortcomings, though and finishes strong.

Brooke comes out in full costume as Terence Mann (James Earl Jones) from "Field of Dreams" with his "People will come" speech. Oops... Brooke thought she was doing Costner. (Seriously, how'd this girl pass the written test for this show?!) She lowers her voice to be more "This Is CNN"-like and doesn't sound very convincing. She doesn't even sound like she's ACTING. She's even HOLDING the script! I think Jacob'll have to wait a little LONGER to sit in Jeff Gordon's back seat. Finally, we have Nicole doing coach Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino) and his "Life's this game of inches" speech from "Any Given Sunday". She gets cues from the notes on the football she carries (which is a little bit better)... but she doesn't sound like the Pacino we know; she just lacks the right intensity. Good thing she already WON a sacrifice.

And, now, it's time to actually MEET our celebrity judges. They are John O' Hurley from the recently-cancelled reversion of To Tell The Truth, Kevin Hart from "Soul Plane" and Guy Torry from "Runaway Jury" and "Pearl Harbor"... so, at least, they're ALL actors. George then dismisses the girls as the judges make up their minds. In private, they think Kate wasn't anywhere NEAR Bushwood Country Club with HER act, Deanna was "the most un-talented woman" of the group, Brooke was really nervous and Nicole had the originality but was so-so. But... is so-so good enough here?

The four teams take their trucks down to the Ultimate Sports Fantasy Bar in the ravine later that night. Deanna and Brooke are on the hot seat because, if either of them lose, their out. And, if Nicole or Kate win, they're BOTH out! George has the "Ida" Award for Best Actress in a Sports-Related Reality Show. And, by a 2-to-1 margin, the Ida goes to... Deanna! (So much for "untalented".) That means Deanna advances to the Final, meaning her mom STILL has a chance to two-wheel with "Tour de Lance". And Brooke, as I thought, has to take her nephew away sans a ride in the #24 car.

FINAL: INSANE - FIRE & "ICE"

The three remaining teams drive to a nearby swimming pool and greet George amid a layer of smoke. The pool LOOKS like there's a maze underneath, but no one can be sure. And that's when George tells that the Final consists of a simple swim from one end of the pool to the other... underwater... while a fair amount of the surface is ON FIRE!

The girls will have to swim under the fire to a trio of islands, under each being a medal (bronze, silver and gold). Upon retrieving each medal, they must surface at an island and take a Polaroid picture of themselves with the medal. Once all three medals are photographed, she must swim to the finish island. The one who does that in the shortest time wins the Final and gets their loved one's fantasy taken care of.

Deanna gets the "lucky" position of first... and she's GRATEFUL since she's getting more nervous by the second. She was ALSO on the swim team so she's feeling fairly confident. With diving mask on, she quickly dives down and grabs the bronze medal... but swimming up into the island has her perplexed since she CAN'T FIND THE OPENING! As her mother worries, up pops Deanna to take the picture at just over 25 seconds. She then dunks back down and, several seconds later, emerges in the SECOND island opening with the silver medal, snapping the pic in 44 seconds. Back down she goes and she EASILY gets the gold. Her third picture comes in 55 seconds and she dunks herself one more time and surfaces without a hitch in a time of 1:04.06!

Next up is Nicole, who must beat that spectacular time to get her grandmother in the Wrigley press box. She seems very confident since she is ALSO a good swimmer (or so she says). At the start, she dove for the bronze medal... and concentrated on where the underwater cameras were pointing to get her bearings. As such, she surfaces and snaps the picture in just under 15 seconds. She makes an otter-line for the silver and surfaces to put it on her. As such, she takes the picture in 43 seconds. She dunks yet again, grabs the gold and surfaces...OUTSIDE the island, DAMN close to the flames! This freaks her out enough that the safety divers need to lead her to the opening (where she bumps her head anyway) and allow her to catch her breath. Guess Lucille will have to settle for sky box tickets if she can afford them.

It's up to Kate now. If she wants Charles to tee off with Nicklaus, she must beat 1:04.06. She's more confident now that she knows what to do and, more importantly, what NOT to do (like hit your head). She hyperventilates while her nervous father watches. George says, "GO!" and she dives for the bronze. Her cheeks puffed, she heads for the island and takes the picture in 12 seconds, the fastest time YET. She holds the hot air in and swims for the silver, struggling but getting to the second island and snapping the camera in 32 seconds. Now, could she do what Nicole couldn't and go for the gold? Yes, she does, without even a bruise. The third pic is shot in 46 seconds, giving her 18 seconds to take a deep breath and swim that final leg. It doesn't seem to take her long, but the Sony(TM) stopwatch clocks it at...

ONE MINUTE FLAT! By four seconds, Kate has won the Final! Deanna's mom won't be pedalling with Lance Armstrong except on her exercise bike while watching the Tour de France. But Kate, who endured 4 pounds of food in and out of her stomach, has won it for her father!

PRIZE: Charles Arnold will be taken to Pebble Beach Country Club in California where he will play a round with golf legend Jack Nicklaus.

I just hope Jack will handicap himself to give Charles a fighting chance!