Game Show NewsNet

Episode 3.29 - April 12

Here she is...Miiiiiiissss Ameeeeericaaaaaaaaa.... well, sort of. 6 of the Miss America women are here - and if they can't win the title, getting a little spending money in the form of $50,000 isn't too bad, either. We have Miss New York (Jaclyn Nieseheiwat), Miss Alabama (Tara Darby), Miss West Virginia (Carolyn Jennings), Miss Utah (Kyla Dickerson), Miss Michigan (Stacey Lee) and Miss New Hampshire (Vanessa Bissanti).

Well, there's a no-brainer in terms of who I will be rooting for. Go New York Go New York Go!

For New York to go - she needs to transfer flags from one end of a platform to another. The catch? The platform will slowly be tilting, and speed in an essence, because the two women who transfer the least amount of flags before falling off of the platform will have some extra time to get ready for the pageant.

You want to see how nicey-nice the girls are? Joe asks them how she is going to do - and they all say that they are going to do great. Joe asks them who will be eliminated, and they all say (in a prefect air-head valley girl unison), "No one." Smile, though your heart is breaking...

Miss Utah goes first - and she used to play flag football. She is nervous because she has to go first. The girls, in typical pageant fashion, cheer her on for her to do well (?) as she gets 5 flags in 49 seconds.

Tara (Alabama) is up next - and the women don't buy her "I'm scared of heights" act for a second. They have reason to think that - she gets gunning and goes very fast - maybe too fast, as by sliding down, she goes past where she wanted to stop and falls into the water, but she gets 6 flags in 49.6 seconds, which should make her safe.

Joe says that Stacey, who has seen two people go ahead of her, wants the title of Miss Fear Factor. So far so good, as she gets 6 flags in 47.4 seconds and automatically advances to the next round. "Kyla, you have to be a little worried about this," says Joe, and the look on her face emulates that.

Jaclyn is up next - and the other women say that "She'll knock someone over in the subway just to get a seat." Nice. She does beat Kyla - but she does not beat anyone else, as she gets 6 flags in 52 seconds. That puts her as the second person on the bubble, as both women need to do better to get rid of her.

Carolyn is the first dagger - and she cuts deep. She gets 6 flags in 55 seconds - and that eliminates Kyla. The good news is that my Miss New York now gets it because the 55 seconds is worse than her 52 seconds.

Vanessa is the last person to go - and she needs to beat 6 flags in 55 seconds to advance. She is blazing through the first 5 flags - but she can't get that 6th one and she goes past Carolyn's time. Everyone's happy - except Miss Alabama, who still wants everyone to stay. Uh...yeah.

We are down to Alabama, New York, Michigan and West Virginia - and Joe challenges them to a round of miniature golf. The number of stokes that the women take to get through the hole is the size of the SEA CUCUMBERS that they have to eat. If you get a hole in one, you don't have to eat any of the cucumbers. Joe - "They're usually found in kelp beds, but today you can find them near hole #5." Vanessa - "They look like milk covered poop." Joe - "They taste worse than milk covered poop."

Stacey, who did the first stunt the best, determines the order. Tara gets to go first - and the first ball is hit off of the green. You may as well give her a 50 on the hole, as Joe has to complete the hole for her. She eats the biggest Sea Cucumber and munches it down with 2 seconds to spare.

Jaclyn goes next - and she gets it in 4 strokes, which spares her from eating the monster cucumber. That helps her out, as she was struggling with it, but the Fear Factor finals will have a little New York, New York in it.

Stacey, who's starting to get revolted by this, wants to get this over with and elects to be the next putter. She has the easiest time so far as she gets it in 3 strokes. Joe has the women do the Miss America Shuffle as Stacey is eating her cucumber, and she gets it down before her stomach shuffles it back up.

Carolyn is the last person to go, and the women, who still don't quite understand that they want to see people eliminated, are rooting for a hole in one. She HITS THE HOLE IN ONE!!!!, which gets everyone going nuts. She also doesn't have to eat any Sea Cucumber, and all 4 ladies move on to the finals.

Can Carolyn ace the final stunt? She can if she likes helicopters and chin up bars. The last stunt is surprisingly simple - the women will be getting on a chin up bar that's being carted around by a helicopter. The women who hangs on the longest wins the money.

Tara starts it off - and she is holding on for a while. Miss Alabama stays on for 1:15.6 and that seems tough to beat. Carolyn is next - and she can only hang on for 57 seconds. Stacey is up to the challenge - but her arms aren't, and she gives out at one minute even.

The last person who can beat her is...Miss New York. MY MISS NEW YORK. The one who's going to show everyone that the Big Apple is the best, baby! The home of the champion New York Yankees, the Stanley Cup Champion NJ Devils, the Eastern Conference Champions NJ Nets, and....she falls off at 1:05, ten seconds away from beating Tara. Crap.

So the title has been passed, and Miss Alabama is also Miss Fear Factor. No, she didn't win the pageant, but with $50,000 in the bank, she can buy her own crown and scepter.