It's been a long and gruelling couple of weeks on CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN, the high-stakes poker tournament that plays like a Beverly Hills home game. But, now, we're down to our OWN "Fab Five". The winners of the preliminary tables are together at last to fight it out for the lion's share of the Caddilac(TM) $250,000 Prize Pool! And one of their chariities will walk away with $100,000!

Let's meet the five finalists playing tonight at the Palms Casino in Vegas and, as you may say to yourself, "Well, did they get here?":


Jason Alexander
playing for the Oakwood Capital Building Fund
Listen Up! front man Jason proved he knows more than blackjack. He watched as Chris Kattan was shown the door towards the Roxbury and Allison Janney was impeached. He maintained a lead throughout as he made Mary McCormick leak and Nick Gonzalez cry.

Brad Garrett
playing for the Dream Foundation
The cross between Herman Munster and Greg Brady was at the bottom of the list most of the night. As his Everybody Loves Raymond counterpart Ray Romano was kicked out, Ray gave Brad his Yankees cap... and it was uphill from there! He struck out Curt Schilling, let Catherine O'Hara go "Home Alone" and, with a small kicker, put Sara Rue out to dry.

Bonnie Hunt
playing for the Greater Chicago Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation
The Life With Bonnie star was likewise a bottom-feeder for a while as Robert Wagner had a Hart To Hart with the Lounge and Lacey Chabert was "Lost In Space". Bonnie was down to $2600 when she surged back to STOP the surging Scott Wolf and finally send J.K. Simmons to the couch.

Colin Quinn
playing for the Salvation Army

The comedian played EXTREMELY passively... and, yet, was lucky enough to get the hands! He forced Alias' Kevin Weismann into the Witness Protection Program, kicked out soccer player Brandi Chastain, sent Tom Verica away from HIS American Dream and "steamrolled" over Camryn Manheim.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner
playing for American Sickle Cell Anemia Association
This "Cosby kid" gets to face his Listen Up! colleague. He let Jesse Metcalfe put Less Than Perfect's Andrea Parker out before sending Jesse running like a Desperate Houswife. He then put down Fred Willard and, on only the 19th hand of the tournament, sent Heather Graham back to the Scrubs!

Each celebrity will start with $10,000 worth of chips and the game will continue until one celebrity has all $50K in his possession.  That person will win $100,000 for his charity.  But not one of the charities will go away with less than $7500; the longer someone stays in the game, the more money his charity will receive.  At the announcers' position beside the Losers' Lounge are host Dave Foley and poker expert Phil Gordon.  They'll be calling the action emanating from the main room.

We're ready to have another champion of celeb poker! As Tournament Director Robert Thompson so frequently enunciates, let's SHUFFLE UP AND DEAL!

Blinds start at $100 (SB) and $200 (BB). The Dealer Button (D) starts on Malcolm, meaning Fred posts the Small Blind, Heather posts the Big Blind and Jesse is first to act.

As far as picks go, Dave picks Jason while Phil goes for Malcolm. Let's hope ONE of them doesn't bow to the "Curse of the Hosts"!

Colin Bonnie Brad (D) Malcolm (SB) Jason (BB)
9♥ 6♦ 10♥ 7♣ 8♠ 3♣ A♠ 2♣ J♦ 10♦
FOLD FOLD FOLD Calls $100 Raises to $400
Calls $200
53% 47%
Yup, win percentages are still here. Much thanks to for the use of their "Poker Odds Calculator".
FLOP: 6♠ 5♦ 4♠
74% 23%
Malcolm has a straight draw...and Jason has bubkis
CHECK Bets $200
Raises to $400 Calls $200
The ol' check-raise...though it COULD have been MORE of a raise.
TURN: 3♠
89% 0%
BANG! There's Malcolm's "wheel" (Ace-low straight)! Jason is dead to a tie; a 2 or a 7 will put a straight on the Board and split the pot between them.
Bets $1500 FOLD
That is...unless Malcolm bets big and scares Jason out of the pot.
WIN $3100

Bonnie Brad Malcolm (D) Jason (SB) Colin (BB)
Q♦ 8♥ 10♠ 7♦ 5♠ 3♦ Q♣ J♦ 5♦ 3♥
Raises to $1500 FOLD FOLD Calls $1400 FOLD
24% 68%
FLOP: 8♣ 6♦ 9♥
70% 28%
TURN: 6♠
84% 16%
Bets $1500 Calls $1500
Bonnie bets...but thinks she's raising. As such, she asks Director Robert Thompson is what she puts in is "enough". After Robert corrects her, Brad calls Robert the "King of the Obvious". Robert replied, straight-faced, "That's CAPTAIN Obvious, please..."
COMMUNITY: 6♦ 6♠ 9♥ 8♣ 3♣
"NUTS!" means Bonnie has the best hand..."DEAD!" means Jason can either bluff her out...or just HAND her his chips.
8♥ 8♣ 6♦ 6♠ Q♦ 6♦ 6♠ Q♣ J♦ 9♥
WIN $6200

Malcolm-Jamal Warner $13,100
Colin Quinn $11,400
Bonnie Hunt $11,300
Brad Garrett $8300
Jason Alexander $5900

Blinds are now $200 (SB) and $400 (BB).
Jason Colin Bonnie (D) Brad (SB) Malcolm (BB)
10♣ 7♥ 9♠ 8♦ A♣ 2♣ 7♦ 4♥ A♦ 6♣
FOLD Calls $400 Calls $400 FOLD CHECK
44% 20% 22%
Brad wants a new dealer since he's not getting any good cards (like it's the dealer's fault).
FLOP: 6♥ Q♥ 6♦
4% 0% 95%
6-6-6! Malcolm flopped "Nicolae Carpathia" (read the Left Behind books if you don't know)! Bonnie's dead to a tie.
Bets $1000
FOLD Calls $1000
0% 99%
TURN: 9♣
No chance for a tie THIS time. Unless Bonnie bluffs Malcolm out (yeah right), Malcolm will win the hand.
Bets $1500
Calls $1500
COMMUNITY: 6♥ 6♦ Q♥ 9♣ 5♣
Bets $2000
Calls $2000
6♥ 6♦ A♣ Q♥ 9♣ 6♣ 6♥ 6♦ A♦  Q♥
WIN $10,400
Malcolm bet strategic amounts that he was SURE Bonnie would call...and it worked. Bonnie admits that she thought he was bluffing.

Colin Bonnie Brad (D) Malcolm (SB) Jason (BB)
Brad to the dealer: "If I don't get a hand, I'm gonna lift you by the legs and dust!"
Q♦ J♠ 5♣ 3♦ 9♣ 6♠ K♦ 8♠ 6♣ 3♣
Calls $400 FOLD FOLD Calls $200 CHECK
40% 38% 21%
FLOP: 4♥ Q♣ 6♥
69% 13% 18%
Jason and Colin flopped pairs, though Colin's is better.
CHECK Bets $1000
Calls $1000 FOLD
80% 20%
92% 8%
Bets $1000
Calls $1000
COMMUNITY: Q♣ Q♥ A♠ 6♥ 4♥
Ut oh...Jason has two pair (Queens and 6s)...but Colin has, as Dave puts it, "60% of the Fab Five"! Can Jason resist the temptation to bet his two pair?
Calls $3500
I...guess not.
Q♦ Q♣ Q♥ A♠ J♠ Q♣ Q♥ 6♣ 6♥ A♠
WIN $12,200 OUT - 5th Place

Hugs and hand-pounds all around. Jason tells Malcolm to "hold our pride" as he strides to the Lounge du Losers. He really likes the "Barbarella" look of the pillows and the couch. At least the Oakwood Capital School Fund will grab another $7,500 for Jason's efforts (making $317,500 total, counting his CBJ winnings in two seasons). Dave thought that Jason was bluffing... but he admits that he WASN'T since he HAD two pair. As Jason chills, we go back to the action.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner $18,200
Colin Quinn $17,300
Brad Garrett $8100
Bonnie Hunt $6400

Bonnie Brad (D) Malcolm (SB) Colin (BB)
J♦ 8♠ K♥ 7♦ Q♣ 6♥ 5♠ 5♦
46% 54%
FLOP: 6♠ J♥ Q♥
92% 8%
Malcolm flopped two pair...much better than Colin's "speed limit".
Bets $400 Raises to $2000
Calls $1600
95% 5%
Colin tells Malcolm, "You can't beat four 'Jakes'!" It's perfectly legal to lie about the strength of a hand.
  Bets $400
Raises to $2000 Calls $1600
COMMUNITY: J♥ J♣ Q♥ 6♠ 5♣
ACK! The only possibile card that could help Colin...and he GETS it! He has "15 miles"! (5-5-5)
Calls $12,900
Q♣ Q♥ J♥ J♣ 6♥ 5♠ 5♦ 5♣ J♥ J♣
WIN $34,600
MAJOR double-up for Colin! Malcolm is down to a mere $900 in chips!

Malcolm Colin (D) Bonnie (SB) Brad (BB)
Q♣ 5♠ Q♥ 5♣ 3♠ 3♦ 10♠ 3♣
Calls $400 Calls $400 Calls $200 CHECK
1% 1% 41% 23%
Awww...a "family pot". That's when everyone at the table is in the pot. Bonnie's ahead with "crabs".
FLOP: 7♠ 6♥ 7♣
0% 0% 49% 15%
Malcolm and Colin can either fold...or PRAY for a tie.
FOLD Calls $500 FOLD
35% 61%
Now that it's one-on-one, Malcolm has a chance. He needs a Queen or a 5.
17% 75%
An Ace will now save him as well.
COMMUNITY: 7♠ 7♣ A♦ K♥ 6♥
A King, however,...not so much.
7♠ 7♣ A♦ K♥ Q♣   7♠ 7♣ 3♠ 3♦ A♦
OUT - 4th Place WIN $2600

The Curse has struck again! Malcolm, Phil's pick, goes to join Jason, Dave's pick, in the Lounge. Jason comforts Malcolm by telling him that, between them and their former series (Jason's Seinfeld and Malcolm's The Cosby Show), they've made more than the other three put together. The American Sickle Cell Anemia Association grabs $10,000 for Malcolm's record performance in the prelims and the hands he played tonight...and Phil starts to think that the celebs will pay him and David NOT to pick them! Ah, well, back to the non-losers...

Blinds are now up to $300 (SB) and $600 (BB).

Brad (D) Colin (SB) Bonnie (BB)
Q♥ J♣ K♥ 6♣ J♠ 2♠
Raises to $1200 Calls $900 FOLD
40% 59%
FLOP: 7♦ 9♠ K♣
19% 81%
Colin has a high pair and Brad has a "gut buster straight draw", needing a 10.
Bets $1000
Calls $1000
TURN: 2♥
10% 90%
Bets $1000
Calls $1000
Brad acts like a healing pastor, asking for a good River card...
RIVER: 10♣
COMMUNITY: K♣ 10♣ 9♠ 7♦ 2♥
...and he GETS it!
Bets $1000
My God! "Callin' Colin" FOLDED!
WIN $12,100
Brad SHOWS the straight. He didn't HAVE to...and SOME pros think it's in bad taste.

Colin Quinn $29,500
Brad Garrett $13,100
Bonnie Hunt $7400

Colin (D) Bonnie (SB) Brad (BB)
Q♦ 4♣ 7♥ 5♦ 6♣ 3♥
Calls $600 Calls $300 CHECK
Brad actually tossed in his cards as if folding...but the dealer tells him he can just check. If that ain't a "tell"...
41% 34% 24%
FLOP: 6♥ 4♠ 8♣
2% 95% 2%
EEP! Bonnie flopped the nut straight! The only way Colin or Brad can win is running 4s or running 6s respectively.
Bets $600 Calls $600
Calls $600
Brad goes into jokes about Malcolm, drinking, Boy George, how President Bush "can't find a seven-foot Arab on dialysis in a cave" and dry cleaning during the course of the hand.
TURN: 7♣
0% 93% 0%
The boys can't win. Only a 5 on the River can split the pot.
Bets $1000 FOLD
Calls $1000
Bonnie to Colin: "You rat-bas**rd!"
0% 93%
COMMUNITY: J♦ 8♣ 7♣ 6♥ 4♠
Bets $1000 Calls $1000
4♣ 4♠ Q♦ J♦  7♣ 8♣ 7♥ 6♥ 5♦ 4♠
WIN $7600

Blinds are now $400 (SB) and $800 (BB).

Brad (D) Colin (SB) Bonnie (BB)
10♥ 10♦ 8♠ 3♦ Q♦ 4♥
Calls $800 Calls $400 CHECK
62% 12% 26%
FLOP: 2♠ 2♦ Q♥
Both Brad and Bonnie flopped two pair.
9% 1% 90%
Bets $2000 FOLD Raises to $4000
Calls $2000
9% 91%
TURN: 5♣
5% 95%
Only a Queen can save Brad now.
COMMUNITY: 2♠ 2♦ Q♥ 5♣ 8♥
Bonnie's bluffed out of the pot!
WIN $17,000

Brad Garrett $24,200
Colin Quinn $22,700
Bonnie Hunt $3100

Bonnie (D) Brad (SB) Colin (BB)
6♠ 2♣ K♣ J♣ Q♥ 8♦
FOLD Raises to $1800 Calls $1000
66% 34%
FLOP: 10♥ Q♣ K♠
83% 14%
Bets $5000 Calls $5000
Colin (of course) calls though he says he doesn't "like it".
TURN: 10♦
95% 5%
Bets $5000 Calls $5000
Phil finally says it: "I've never seen one person call so much in a poker game in my life!"
COMMUNITY: 10♥ 10♦ K♠ Q♣ 5♥
Bets $5000  
Colin thinks Brad is bluffing...
  Calls $5000
...until Brad turns his cards over and says, "Say 'ello to my li'l friends!"
K♣ K♠ 10♥ 10♦ Q♣ Q♥ Q♣ 10♥ 10♦ K♠
WIN $33,600

Blinds are now $500 (SB) and $1000 (BB).

Brad (D) Colin (SB) Bonnie (BB)
J♦ 4♠ K♥ J♥ A♣ 9♦
FOLD Calls $500 ALL-IN
Calls $2100
43% 57%
FLOP: 6♥ 4♥ 8♥
99.9% 0%
Bonnie is all but done! The only thing that can save her is if the 5 and 7 of hearts the Board a straight flush and spliting the pot.
TURN: 2♥'s over!
Even thought the Board has a flush, Colin's flush is King-high to the Board's (and thus Bonnie's) 9-high.
K♥ J♥ 9♥ 8♥ 6♥ 9♥ 8♥ 6♥ 4♥ 2♥
WIN $6200 OUT - 3rd Place

Bonnie laughs a bit as she joins the boys in the Lounge. She's happy that $12,500 is going to the Greater Chicago Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation. Bonnie was sure Brad bluffed her out of that pot before...and Phil confirms it. She just didn't have the guts to "pull the trigger" and knock Brad out.

And so it's down to the two comedians...the "Giant" and "Mr. I'll Call". They bring out the tray that carries the Cadillac(TM) $250,000 Prize Pool and place it on the table. The winner of HEADS-UP between these two gets $100,000 of that gravy...though the runner-up DOES get $20,000. Let's not waist ANY time and crown a king of CPS! Let's SHUFFLE UP AND DEAL!!

Brad Garrett $41,500
Colin Quinn $8500

We won't have to wait long...
Brad (D) (SB) Colin (BB)
K♠ 9♣ 7♦ 6♥
Raises to $2500 Calls $1500
62% 38%
FLOP: 9♥ 4♦ 2♥
89% 11%
Brad flopped top pair. But Colin has...well, actually, he's in trouble. He needs two running cards to make a straight or a flush.
Bets $1000
Raises to $4000 ALL-IN
Calls $2000
And it's OVER!!!
9♣ 9♥ K♠ J♦ 8♥ J♦ 9♥ 8♥ 7♦ 6♥
CPS CHAMPION!! OUT - 2nd Place

And so Colin "Callin'" Quinn's charity, the Salvation Army, grabs $20,000 for his runner-up performance.  But it's Brad "The Giant" Garrett who wins $100,000 for the Dream Foundation and gets the somewhat-coveted GOLDEN chip which signifies him as Celebrity Poker Showdown Champion! Nicole Sullivan, Maura Tierney, Seth Green and Mekhi Phifer must make room in this exclusive winner's set...and a LOT of room at that!  Until Season 6, I once again repeat the CPS mantra: "Whoever said 'it is not whether you win or lose' was definitely NOT talking about poker!"