July 13, 2003
The premise is just like you read about - you have to
guess what will happen in various silly scenarios.
Nothing tricky, nothing outrageous - just plain clean
Time to play at home - we meet Larry the chicken.
Chickens cannot fly, but they do if aided by helium
baloons. How many of them are needed for him to fly in
the air? A. 30, B. 60, C. 90, D. 120. PLACE BETS NOW!
The answer is C. It takes 90 balloons for Larry to fly
to the great hen coop in the sky (but he doesn't - no
animals were harmed in the making of the segment).
Next up is Mr. Shake Hands Man. He shakes hand with
celebrities - and this week's is Kelsey Grammer - the
actor who plays Frasier. How long can he shake Frasier's
hand? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90
seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. PLACE BETS NOW! Kelsey lasts
for 40 seconds - which makes the answer B.
Next we have three geishas. Two of them have white
undies - one of them has red undies (because she is
considered the 'Devil Woman' - hey, don't look at me, I
didn't write it - I only wrote what are they saying).
The answer, for you who are curious, is the woman on the
far right (not like you can tell, since you are only
reading this, and not watching the screen).
We are on to the supermarket joust! It's the white
knight vs. the black knight. Who wins the shopping cart
joust? If you believed in the adage 'Always Bet On
Black', you are correct again, as the Black Knight
decarts the white one.
It's now time to meet Lady One Question. She only asks
one question - and that's it. The celebrity she gets to
taunt is Simon Cowell. How long will he look like an
idiot for? A. 0-30 seconds, B> 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90
seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. Lady One Question asks Simon
what the difference between the women in American Idol
and Pop Idol are. He stays for a whopping 77 seconds -
so the answer is C. 'It's not what you say, but it's how
you don't say it.'
In a truly tasteless segment, we have a soccer player
with one leg vs. a goalie with one arm. The soccer
player gets 3 shots at the goalie. Who wins? The scorer
hits the goal the first shot - and we have a save on the
second try. In the third try - we have a
Goooooooalllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!! The kicker wins!
Hazel and Dot are a pair of 60+ year old grannies. We
have - and I am not making this up - the Wheelchair
Granny Chicken Challenge! For the record, Dot gets the
Finally, we have this conundrum - Who can keep their
bikes spinning over 20 miles an hour the longest? A
rabbi, a priest, or Lou Ferrigno? There is no upset on
this one - Lou wins - and he wins the soul and body of a
baby for doing so. Wha?
My take? This is truly tasteless and classless and
bordering on racism - and I am afraid to admit that I am
truly enjoying every minute of it. Assuming that it can
stay skating around the FCC, this will be a show that at
the least, has a cult following, and at the most, will
be the perfect companion piece to the Simpsons.
July 20, 2003
Well, they survived the first FCC investigation, so we
get a second serving of it. Don't forget to have your
wagering chips by you at all times (now we here at GSNN
never advocate the gambling money - but gambling poker
chips - or potato chips - are always acceptable).
Here's where we start first - which fireman - Ken or
Peter, can knock the other person down with a jet spray
from his fire hose? Peter blasts Ken into oblivion, so
we is the winner.
We are back with Mr. Shake Hands Man - and his victim
this week is Bill Murray. How long will Bill hold on to
Mr Shake Hands Man? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60 seconds,
C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. Bill, apparently,
likes shaking his hand - he talks to other people while
still shaking his hand. He releases the grip in 89.2
seconds, so the right answer is C.
Next up is a race revering Michael Jackson. Three
Michael Jackson look-a-likes will be moonwalking down a
sheet of ice. Will Military Michael, Bad Skin Michael or
Thriller Michael complete the race first? The winner
is...Bad Skin Michael!
Speaking of celebrities - we have Todd Bridges - the
real one who played Willis in Diff'rent Strokes. Can he
retrieve a stick in the pool quicker than Mojo the small
dog? No he can't - the dog has its day, as the dog
easily gets the stick before Todd as he rolls on to the
We also see the return of Lady One Question. Her target
for the evening is Antonio Banderas. Here are the
choices - A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-45 seconds, C. 45-60
seconds and D. over 60 seconds. Antonio's response to
Lady One Question took a whopping 50 seconds, and he
left in 58 seconds. That falls into the category of C.
How many of the 50 Dollar bills laying in front of a
nice girl named Summer can she stuff into her mouth in
30 seconds? A. 0-20, B. 21-35, C. 36-50. Summer can
stick 21 singles into her mouth. How many can you stick
in your mouth?
Next up is a Diana Doll Drop. A hot air balloon with a
Diana blow up doll in it is dropped onto a field. Half
of the field is marked No and the other half Yes. The
question asked to the doll is 'Has Harry Potter gotten
it on with a woman?'. Will the Doll land on Yes or No?
The doll lands in the 'Yes' space, so Harry, apparently,
has waved his magic wand in more than one occasion.
We have Mark and Darren, and they are vertically
challenged. The objective is to vertically climb up Pro
Basketball player Jason Seaman and place a flag on the
top of his head. After an early struggle Mark scales him
first and plants the flag in him.
That's all for this episode. The next episode seems to
deal with water water everywhere - and not a drop to
July 27, 2003
We start with a very hairy
situation. One of these 5 people are wearing wigs. Which
one has the Mr. Clean look? It's person #4. Fuzzy wuzzy
was a...never mind.
Back to Mr. Shake Hands Man - and he gets to play with
Adam Sandler. Does he stay with him for A. 0-20 seconds,
B. 20-40 seconds, C. 40-60 seconds, or D. over 60
seconds? Adam holds on for 19.1 seconds - a very weak
effort for Sandler - just like his 8 Crazy Nights movie.
The answer is A.
It's time to battle on the Wheel of Misfortune. There
are 6 umbrellas - 5 of them have the springs removed -
one of them doesn't - and the umbrella will spring into
someone's face if opened. Golden Gary and Lilac Bradley
are the players - and Bradley goes first. DON'T TRY THIS
AT HOME! Who gets the umbrella in the face? Gary does!
The umbrella springs into action, and Gary will need
springs to wire his jaw shut.
This is Mr. Ron Currings, who does charity work - but he
has a secret - he is a baby racer! Choose the fastest
baby - is it baby Mr. Alex or baby Mr. James? After a
good place betting, ALEX gets the win.
It's the return of Lady One Question. She's beaming down
George Takei - but you know him better as Mr. Sulu. Will
he stay Klingon-free for 0-30 seconds, 31-45 seconds, or
over 45 seconds? Sulu talks for 46 seconds - then beams
himself out of the interview - so the answer is C.
We are up to a very interesting Blind Dodge'em question.
Claire and Peggy are both blind ladies. How long will it
be until they crash into each other? A. 0-20 seconds, B.
21-40 seconds or C. 41 and over? They drive crash-free
for 39 seconds - and then they collide, so if you said
B. you're right! (Of course, the answer could never be
C., because it's what the ladies could never do - C,
that is. Yuk, yuk, yuk).
We have a cheese and pickle sandwich in a briefcase -
and it will be switched around by 5 business men. Which
man has the briefcase? Not #2, with a stuffed squirrel.
Not #4, with a nudie blurred out magazine. The answer is
We have three people who look like Freddie Mercury.
Which one can hang on to a soccer bar longer? Is it
Bohemian Freddie, Live Aid Freddie, or Leather Freddie?
Live Aid Freddie drops first. The Leather Freddie is
next - so the answer is Bohemian Freddie. Weeeee
arrrrrre the chammmmmmpiiooooonnnsssss.
No time for losers - and no time left on this one. This
is a different episode than the one advertised for (the
one that was supposed to have lots of water). We'll see
if we have any water in the next episode.
August 10, 2003
After an unexpected time
change, we are back - and so is the show. Has everyone
logged in? Well, probably not - since you are reading
this after the show. But let's play this anyways.
To make this even more interesting, I will be playing
against Beg borrow and Deal 2 and World Poker Tour
commentator Chris Wolvie. We have a gentleman's bet on
this for bragging rights - so nothing spectacular - but
it will be fun to chronicle. We'll see who wins...
The Dog Poo Stinky shoe showdown is first - one shoe has
dog poo - which man gets stuck with poo? John Paul or
Fred? Fred finds the poo shoe - and Chris finds a point.
(Chris 1, Gordon 0)
Next up is Mr. Shake Hands Man. The person that he will
torture this time is Jennifer Love Hewitt. How many
seconds will he hang on for? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60
seconds, C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds, E. 120-150
seconds. Chris - 'If she shakes as good as she looks, we
could be here all night!' We're not here all night, but
we are here for 97.5 seconds - which is good for a D -
and is good enough for me to tie the score at 1 (Chris -
We have Mad Jack - and he faces the challenge of jumping
over a supermarket trolley cake. How many cakes can he
clear? A, 2. B. 4, C. 6, D. 8, E. 10 He clears 8 - and
both me and Chris pick 6, so the scores stay at 1-1.
Chris's comment at the end of the first round? 'I'm good
at picking poo, but bad at shakes and cakes.'
Let's meet Jodie Kidd and Lisa B - supermodels who do
not want to eat chocolate sweets. The sweet is in the
middle of the tube - whoever can blow the sweet into the
opponent's mouth wins. This event, seeing the women wrap
their lips on the pole, while they are sitting on the
edge of the seat, is worth the price of admission. I
couldn't have said this better than Chris did - 'This is
SO wrong on SO many levels'. Jodie gets the win - as do
me and Chris (Chris 2, Gordon 2). IN the words of the
announcer, 'Jodie Kidd, your blowing is second to none.'
From erotic to Lady One Question. Samuel L. Jackson is
the lady's target. How long will he be sticking around?
A. Under 30 seconds, B. 31-45, C. 45-60, or D. over 60
seconds. I pick C and Chris picks B - but Samuel is a
much quicker talker than either of us thought and only
hangs out for 24 seconds. That would be an A, and that
would be a pair of wrong answers (Chris 2, Gordon 2).
The stupid Dog Sausage challenge is next. The dog is
wearing a circular collar - and the collar can only fit
in one of 4 doors. On the other side of the door is a
plate of sausage. How long will it take him to get to
the sausage? A. 0-19 seconds, B. 20-40 seconds, C. 40-60
seconds. The dog gets it done in 40-60 seconds - and me
and Chris are dumber than the dog, because we both said
B. (Chris 2, Gordon 2). Chris - 'I better stick to jai
It's the Chinese Detective! The man who can reverse
time. Which smoker (Mr. Glen or Mr Hugh) lit up his
cigarette first? We reverse time - and Mr. Hugh started.
Chris finally gets another point - and so do I. (Chris
3, Gordon 3)
Level 42 Keyboardist Mike Linder and Rick Wakeman are up
for the next duel. They will both play with the
keyboard. WHich fingers are faster when it comes to
playing every key on the piano? Level 42 is a keyboard
group, so I will be shocked if he lost. Wakeman gets up
there in 9.6 seconds. Linder gets it done in 9.1 seconds
- which means that he wins! That's a point for me!
(Chris 3, Gordon 4). Chris - 'There's just Something
About Him, huh?'
That is the last stunt, so your relaity editor prevails
by the final score of 4-3. Any parting words from Chris?
'Good thing it wasn't for real money.' Well, it can't be
for real money, because that would be illegal and FOX
would send a mean nasty man with a badge over to my
house. A very special thanks to Chris Wolvie for
participating in this week's episode recap. We'll see
next week if I get a rematch with Chris - or if I get
more challengers - on the next episode.
August 17, 2003
When I asked Chris if he
wanted to go at it again, I got this as a response -
'You ready for some-a heavy a-wagerin', boy!' I take
that for a yes and away we go!
We start with the wonderfully creative name of 'The
miniature Mr. and Mrs. offspring option'. We have 2
mid...uhhh...vertically impaired people. They have a kid
- identify this one out of 5 kids. Chris says 1, I say
3, and the answer is 4. Goose eggs for everyone.
Mr. Shake Hands Man is next - and Elliott Gould is the
person of choice this week How long will he be shaking
his hand for? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 31-60 seconds, C.
61-90 seconds, D. 91-120 seconds. Elliott holds on for
59.4 seconds - very close, but it's a B. Close is good
enough for both me and Chris. (Gordon 1, Chris 1)
We next see Joshua and Sophie, 2 kids with a painful
pickled onion puzzle. There are 4 skewers attached
THROUGH a guy's cheek. One of them is attached into an
onion in his mouth. The person who selects the skewer
that frees the onion from the guy's mouth wins. Needless
to say, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Here are our reactions
Chris: EWWWW! Sick!
Gordon: Thats gross
Joshua does indeed free the onion, and Chris takes an
early lead (Gordon 1, Chris 2).
Up next is Lady 1 Question - and she gets to interview
Mr. Nick Carter. For how long will she be standing
there? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 31-45 seconds, C. 45-60
seconds, D. over 60 seconds. Nick just gets under a
minute - 57 seconds - which is right between my guess
(B) and Chris's guess (D). (Gordon 1, Chris 2).
'Men of God, tongues of Fire' is the next game - Who can
drink a cup of 88 degree centigrade (that's 190 degrees
farenheight) quicker - Ian or Michael? Michael is a
Charlton Heston fan - and I think that it gives me the
edge on this one.
Chris: I never trust a Charlton Heston fan
Gordon: Charlton Heston fans are picky and stubborn
Well, trust him - Michael has the fortitude to finish
the tea - and I have the fortitude to tie the score.
(Gordon 2, Chris 2)
What can be so fun as a Dog Toilet Torment Challenge? We
have 3 dogs who have drunk a lot of water - which one is
the first to go? Jimmy, Mo or Willy? We didn't get to
free Willy - Jimmy freed himself first. Too bad we both
picked Mo. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)
It's commercial time - and here is the intelligent
discussion that me and Chris have during the ads:
Chris: Why didn't he just go in that guy's shoe from
Gordon: Because he's a stupid dog
Chris: No, that was the dog from last week
Gordon: They are all stupid dogs - dogs are stupid
Chris: What about Underdog?
Gordon: Thats a cartoon dog. Scoby Doo was much smarter
Chris: Can Scooby fly?
Gordon: I didn't know flying was a prerequisite on
Chris: Can Scooby rhyme?
Gordon: No - but can Underdog sense and capture scary
Chris: Well, he can hear Polly Purebread sing for miles.
Jackie is a deadly hunter - and she is hunting a rubber
lady doll. 5 Balloons will be set free - how many can
Jackie shoot down? Jackie only has 5 shots. Jackie is
very dangerous - she gets them all. After I guessed 2 -
and was wrong - I wanted her to get them all so she can
surpass Chris's guess of 4. She does, and I am happy.
(Gordon 2, Chris 2)
The chair conundrum - we have 5 chairs - one of them
will collapse. Which fat man will destroy the weak
chair? (Chris - Fan-Man-Two? Isn't that an Asian
capital?) I don't think so - and it's also wrong.
Fat-man-one sits down - and me and Chris are both
fat-man-wrong. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)
Chris: I believe we tied tonight
Gordon: Yepperz - 2-2
Chris: Ooooo, like-a kissing ya step-sista...
Gordon: I ain't kissing you
We end this one in a draw. No doubt there will be a
round three - and maybe we can get Chico in for a Triple
Threat Match. You listening, Chico?
April 7, 2004
FOX cancelled it because
people found it too offensive. Comedy Central picked it
up a year later because...well, it was too
offensive...and they don't give a @#$% what people
think! It's the return of BANZAI!
This is a recap of the show Gordon missed in the first
run because of the sudden time change (see above). With
him busy with a major project, I decided to step
in...and HOPEFULLY goad one or more of the other writers
into joining me for the next new ep (which should be
THE LYING LITTLE LADY PUZZLE - Five little girls, all in
a row. All wanting to win the Banzai Beauty Pageant. But
ONE has broken the rules. See, one of those shes is a
HE. Which one is it? My bet's on the brunette in
sea-green (#4) but...when "BETTING ENDS!"...it's not
#1...it's not #5...it's #3, the blond in pink who's "da
man"...er, "da boy".
MR. SHAKE HANDS MAN: ANGELINA JOLIE - You know the
drill; Mr. Shake Hands Man shakes hands while talking to
a celeb and you bet on how long until the celeb takes
his hand away from his sweaty palm. The celeb this time:
"Tomb Raider"'s Angelina Jolie. Will she hang on for: A)
0-20 secs, B) 21-40, C) 41-60, D) 60-80 or E) 80-100? I
say C just as (gong!) BETTING ENDS! He starts to
shake...but Angelina lets go after 2.8 seconds to shake
someone else's hand! They decide to let Mr. Shake Hands
Man have another crack...and, the second time around, he
shakes it...and shakes it...and shakes it (though NOT
like a Polaroid picture). Ms. Jolie (Billy Bob Thorton
by her side) holds for 67.4 seconds...or D) 61-80
seconds. Nuts...0-2. I *knew* I should've stayed at the
jai alai fronton!
THE BLESSED BUCKET BET - Rabbi Weiss has to hold two
metal buckets, each with three heavy holy books in it,
out in front of him for as long as he can. When metal
bucket hits metal platform, a red bulb lights and the
time stops. Can he hold them up for A) less than 30
seconds, B) 31-40 seconds or C) 41 seconds to 5 minutes?
The sucker bet is B...and I'm not THAT big a sucker! I
chose C...the fellow looks pretty fly...for a rabbi.
"BETTING ENDS!" Up go the buckets...he wobbles a bit
around 30 seconds...but he makes it past 40 before his
arms droop. He makes it to 55 secs, but it's more than
40, so C) is right. Yeah! I got one!
FANTASTIC ELASTIC BAND BET (Don't try this at home) -
Mr. Peter and Mr. Nick will hold a rubber band in their
teeth and pull back equal distances. Who will end up
with a face full of rubber? I say...uh...Mister...NICK!
BETTING ENDS! Mr. Peter pulls back to each zone quickly,
while Mr. Nick is slow and methodical. They pull all the
way back to the edges of the table...and Mr. Peter lets
go! Mr. Nick gets a wicked stinger on his cheek...and
and I go to .500 for the episode.
LADY ONE QUESTION: GENE SIMMONS - The lady asks one
question to a celeb...then waits for him or her to run
out of answer. How long will the leader singer of KISS,
Gene Simmons, keep talking after Lady shuts up? Is it A)
0-30 seconds, B) 31-60 seconds or C) over a minute?
Gene's a shouter, not a talker so I say "A)" as BETTING
ENDS! Lady asks Gene about his next project...and it
looks like Gene is PREPARED, because he plugs KISS
condoms and cell phones for the camera. He's a little
hesitant about leaving Lady after taking 40 seconds to
answer but he finally splits after 58 seconds. I didn't
guess B), so I'm 2-and-3. "Shout it out loud", Gene!
A HANGING MANHORSE MYSTERY - Neddy and Harold are two "manhorses"
(two guys in one horse costume) who must each hang from
two gymnastics rings for as long as possible. What one
man can hold up himself, his "rear end" and a heavy
cloth horse costume the longest? Harold is a hand or two
taller than Neddy, but he could also be stronger...so I
place my first horse bet in years and bet on Harold.
When BETTING ENDS, Neddy starts...and hangs on for 19
seconds. Now it's Harold's turn to win, place and show
what he (or they) has (or have). He hangs...and
hangs...and beats Neddy EASY! In fact, long after he's
declared the winner, he drops (36 seconds for those
scoring at home...or even if you're by yourselves).
SQUIRREL FISHING - Two scientists hide in a tree and use
a fishing pole and a nut to try to lift a squirrel off
the ground. Which squirrel will be pondering whether the
law of gravity was repealed for a few seconds? Will it
be A) Vangelis or B) Marzipan? Oy...flip a coin and
say...Vangelis. BETTING ENDS...and the fishing begins.
Both come close to becoming a flying squirrel for a
second, but it's Vangelis who gets yanked up from being
on two legs and launched about six feet. I'm 4-for-7
THE BATTLE OF THE DISHONOURABLE MOTOR CAR CELEBRTIY
BANDITS - "50 Cent" and "Eminem", two real car thieves
(who obviously can't have their identities shown since
the cops would find out and arrest the producers), must
find a car and steal it without being noticed by anyone
(but the camera crew, of course). Will the younger "50
Cent" do it faster or will the older "Eminem"? I think
the cops should beat them BOTH to the punch...but I went
with wisdom over youth and say "Eminem". BETTING ENDS!
They both find cars at the same time and "Eminem" uses a
"slim jim" for his shady entry. (Get it? Slim? Shady?
Eminem?) "50 Cent" then proves his money's worth by
getting in (and either the film is reversed or they're
in England because both steering wheels are on the right
side of the car). Anyway, the winner is the one who
hotwires the car and drives away with it. It takes some
time, but "Eminem" hauls ass...and I "Lose My Mind"
because I'm 5-and-3, my best...Banzai outing...EVER!