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Silly scenarios! Celebrity stunts! Incredibly offensive humor! Mr. Shake Hands Man! Mr. Banzai! Lady One Question!

All we can say is... PLACE BETS NOW!!!

Recaps by Gordon Pepper and Chris Wolvie, GSNN

Summer 2003, April 2004-present, Fox, Comedy Central
Mr. Banzai:
Mr. Shake Hands Man:
Lady One Question:

EP: Stuart Krasnow
Packager: Channel 4 Television

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Web design by Jason Elliott. Logo by Chico Alexander. 

July 13, 2003

The premise is just like you read about - you have to guess what will happen in various silly scenarios. Nothing tricky, nothing outrageous - just plain clean silliness.

Time to play at home - we meet Larry the chicken. Chickens cannot fly, but they do if aided by helium baloons. How many of them are needed for him to fly in the air? A. 30, B. 60, C. 90, D. 120. PLACE BETS NOW! The answer is C. It takes 90 balloons for Larry to fly to the great hen coop in the sky (but he doesn't - no animals were harmed in the making of the segment).

Next up is Mr. Shake Hands Man. He shakes hand with celebrities - and this week's is Kelsey Grammer - the actor who plays Frasier. How long can he shake Frasier's hand? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. PLACE BETS NOW! Kelsey lasts for 40 seconds - which makes the answer B.

Next we have three geishas. Two of them have white undies - one of them has red undies (because she is considered the 'Devil Woman' - hey, don't look at me, I didn't write it - I only wrote what are they saying). The answer, for you who are curious, is the woman on the far right (not like you can tell, since you are only reading this, and not watching the screen).

We are on to the supermarket joust! It's the white knight vs. the black knight. Who wins the shopping cart joust? If you believed in the adage 'Always Bet On Black', you are correct again, as the Black Knight decarts the white one.

It's now time to meet Lady One Question. She only asks one question - and that's it. The celebrity she gets to taunt is Simon Cowell. How long will he look like an idiot for? A. 0-30 seconds, B> 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. Lady One Question asks Simon what the difference between the women in American Idol and Pop Idol are. He stays for a whopping 77 seconds - so the answer is C. 'It's not what you say, but it's how you don't say it.'

In a truly tasteless segment, we have a soccer player with one leg vs. a goalie with one arm. The soccer player gets 3 shots at the goalie. Who wins? The scorer hits the goal the first shot - and we have a save on the second try. In the third try - we have a Goooooooalllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!! The kicker wins!

Hazel and Dot are a pair of 60+ year old grannies. We have - and I am not making this up - the Wheelchair Granny Chicken Challenge! For the record, Dot gets the victory.

Finally, we have this conundrum - Who can keep their bikes spinning over 20 miles an hour the longest? A rabbi, a priest, or Lou Ferrigno? There is no upset on this one - Lou wins - and he wins the soul and body of a baby for doing so. Wha?

My take? This is truly tasteless and classless and bordering on racism - and I am afraid to admit that I am truly enjoying every minute of it. Assuming that it can stay skating around the FCC, this will be a show that at the least, has a cult following, and at the most, will be the perfect companion piece to the Simpsons.

July 20, 2003

Well, they survived the first FCC investigation, so we get a second serving of it. Don't forget to have your wagering chips by you at all times (now we here at GSNN never advocate the gambling money - but gambling poker chips - or potato chips - are always acceptable).

Here's where we start first - which fireman - Ken or Peter, can knock the other person down with a jet spray from his fire hose? Peter blasts Ken into oblivion, so we is the winner.

We are back with Mr. Shake Hands Man - and his victim this week is Bill Murray. How long will Bill hold on to Mr Shake Hands Man? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds. Bill, apparently, likes shaking his hand - he talks to other people while still shaking his hand. He releases the grip in 89.2 seconds, so the right answer is C.

Next up is a race revering Michael Jackson. Three Michael Jackson look-a-likes will be moonwalking down a sheet of ice. Will Military Michael, Bad Skin Michael or Thriller Michael complete the race first? The winner is...Bad Skin Michael!

Speaking of celebrities - we have Todd Bridges - the real one who played Willis in Diff'rent Strokes. Can he retrieve a stick in the pool quicker than Mojo the small dog? No he can't - the dog has its day, as the dog easily gets the stick before Todd as he rolls on to the win.

We also see the return of Lady One Question. Her target for the evening is Antonio Banderas. Here are the choices - A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-45 seconds, C. 45-60 seconds and D. over 60 seconds. Antonio's response to Lady One Question took a whopping 50 seconds, and he left in 58 seconds. That falls into the category of C.

How many of the 50 Dollar bills laying in front of a nice girl named Summer can she stuff into her mouth in 30 seconds? A. 0-20, B. 21-35, C. 36-50. Summer can stick 21 singles into her mouth. How many can you stick in your mouth?

Next up is a Diana Doll Drop. A hot air balloon with a Diana blow up doll in it is dropped onto a field. Half of the field is marked No and the other half Yes. The question asked to the doll is 'Has Harry Potter gotten it on with a woman?'. Will the Doll land on Yes or No? The doll lands in the 'Yes' space, so Harry, apparently, has waved his magic wand in more than one occasion.

We have Mark and Darren, and they are vertically challenged. The objective is to vertically climb up Pro Basketball player Jason Seaman and place a flag on the top of his head. After an early struggle Mark scales him first and plants the flag in him.

That's all for this episode. The next episode seems to deal with water water everywhere - and not a drop to drink...

July 27, 2003

We start with a very hairy situation. One of these 5 people are wearing wigs. Which one has the Mr. Clean look? It's person #4. Fuzzy wuzzy was a...never mind.

Back to Mr. Shake Hands Man - and he gets to play with Adam Sandler. Does he stay with him for A. 0-20 seconds, B. 20-40 seconds, C. 40-60 seconds, or D. over 60 seconds? Adam holds on for 19.1 seconds - a very weak effort for Sandler - just like his 8 Crazy Nights movie. The answer is A.

It's time to battle on the Wheel of Misfortune. There are 6 umbrellas - 5 of them have the springs removed - one of them doesn't - and the umbrella will spring into someone's face if opened. Golden Gary and Lilac Bradley are the players - and Bradley goes first. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! Who gets the umbrella in the face? Gary does! The umbrella springs into action, and Gary will need springs to wire his jaw shut.

This is Mr. Ron Currings, who does charity work - but he has a secret - he is a baby racer! Choose the fastest baby - is it baby Mr. Alex or baby Mr. James? After a good place betting, ALEX gets the win.

It's the return of Lady One Question. She's beaming down George Takei - but you know him better as Mr. Sulu. Will he stay Klingon-free for 0-30 seconds, 31-45 seconds, or over 45 seconds? Sulu talks for 46 seconds - then beams himself out of the interview - so the answer is C.

We are up to a very interesting Blind Dodge'em question. Claire and Peggy are both blind ladies. How long will it be until they crash into each other? A. 0-20 seconds, B. 21-40 seconds or C. 41 and over? They drive crash-free for 39 seconds - and then they collide, so if you said B. you're right! (Of course, the answer could never be C., because it's what the ladies could never do - C, that is. Yuk, yuk, yuk).

We have a cheese and pickle sandwich in a briefcase - and it will be switched around by 5 business men. Which man has the briefcase? Not #2, with a stuffed squirrel. Not #4, with a nudie blurred out magazine. The answer is #3.

We have three people who look like Freddie Mercury. Which one can hang on to a soccer bar longer? Is it Bohemian Freddie, Live Aid Freddie, or Leather Freddie? Live Aid Freddie drops first. The Leather Freddie is next - so the answer is Bohemian Freddie. Weeeee arrrrrre the chammmmmmpiiooooonnnsssss.

No time for losers - and no time left on this one. This is a different episode than the one advertised for (the one that was supposed to have lots of water). We'll see if we have any water in the next episode.

August 10, 2003

After an unexpected time change, we are back - and so is the show. Has everyone logged in? Well, probably not - since you are reading this after the show. But let's play this anyways.

To make this even more interesting, I will be playing against Beg borrow and Deal 2 and World Poker Tour commentator Chris Wolvie. We have a gentleman's bet on this for bragging rights - so nothing spectacular - but it will be fun to chronicle. We'll see who wins...

The Dog Poo Stinky shoe showdown is first - one shoe has dog poo - which man gets stuck with poo? John Paul or Fred? Fred finds the poo shoe - and Chris finds a point. (Chris 1, Gordon 0)

Next up is Mr. Shake Hands Man. The person that he will torture this time is Jennifer Love Hewitt. How many seconds will he hang on for? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 30-60 seconds, C. 60-90 seconds, D. 90-120 seconds, E. 120-150 seconds. Chris - 'If she shakes as good as she looks, we could be here all night!' We're not here all night, but we are here for 97.5 seconds - which is good for a D - and is good enough for me to tie the score at 1 (Chris - 'Dang')

We have Mad Jack - and he faces the challenge of jumping over a supermarket trolley cake. How many cakes can he clear? A, 2. B. 4, C. 6, D. 8, E. 10 He clears 8 - and both me and Chris pick 6, so the scores stay at 1-1. Chris's comment at the end of the first round? 'I'm good at picking poo, but bad at shakes and cakes.'

Let's meet Jodie Kidd and Lisa B - supermodels who do not want to eat chocolate sweets. The sweet is in the middle of the tube - whoever can blow the sweet into the opponent's mouth wins. This event, seeing the women wrap their lips on the pole, while they are sitting on the edge of the seat, is worth the price of admission. I couldn't have said this better than Chris did - 'This is SO wrong on SO many levels'. Jodie gets the win - as do me and Chris (Chris 2, Gordon 2). IN the words of the announcer, 'Jodie Kidd, your blowing is second to none.'

From erotic to Lady One Question. Samuel L. Jackson is the lady's target. How long will he be sticking around? A. Under 30 seconds, B. 31-45, C. 45-60, or D. over 60 seconds. I pick C and Chris picks B - but Samuel is a much quicker talker than either of us thought and only hangs out for 24 seconds. That would be an A, and that would be a pair of wrong answers (Chris 2, Gordon 2).

The stupid Dog Sausage challenge is next. The dog is wearing a circular collar - and the collar can only fit in one of 4 doors. On the other side of the door is a plate of sausage. How long will it take him to get to the sausage? A. 0-19 seconds, B. 20-40 seconds, C. 40-60 seconds. The dog gets it done in 40-60 seconds - and me and Chris are dumber than the dog, because we both said B. (Chris 2, Gordon 2). Chris - 'I better stick to jai alai.'

It's the Chinese Detective! The man who can reverse time. Which smoker (Mr. Glen or Mr Hugh) lit up his cigarette first? We reverse time - and Mr. Hugh started. Chris finally gets another point - and so do I. (Chris 3, Gordon 3)

Level 42 Keyboardist Mike Linder and Rick Wakeman are up for the next duel. They will both play with the keyboard. WHich fingers are faster when it comes to playing every key on the piano? Level 42 is a keyboard group, so I will be shocked if he lost. Wakeman gets up there in 9.6 seconds. Linder gets it done in 9.1 seconds - which means that he wins! That's a point for me! (Chris 3, Gordon 4). Chris - 'There's just Something About Him, huh?'

That is the last stunt, so your relaity editor prevails by the final score of 4-3. Any parting words from Chris? 'Good thing it wasn't for real money.' Well, it can't be for real money, because that would be illegal and FOX would send a mean nasty man with a badge over to my house. A very special thanks to Chris Wolvie for participating in this week's episode recap. We'll see next week if I get a rematch with Chris - or if I get more challengers - on the next episode.

August 17, 2003

When I asked Chris if he wanted to go at it again, I got this as a response - 'You ready for some-a heavy a-wagerin', boy!' I take that for a yes and away we go!

We start with the wonderfully creative name of 'The miniature Mr. and Mrs. offspring option'. We have 2 mid...uhhh...vertically impaired people. They have a kid - identify this one out of 5 kids. Chris says 1, I say 3, and the answer is 4. Goose eggs for everyone.

Mr. Shake Hands Man is next - and Elliott Gould is the person of choice this week How long will he be shaking his hand for? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 31-60 seconds, C. 61-90 seconds, D. 91-120 seconds. Elliott holds on for 59.4 seconds - very close, but it's a B. Close is good enough for both me and Chris. (Gordon 1, Chris 1)

We next see Joshua and Sophie, 2 kids with a painful pickled onion puzzle. There are 4 skewers attached THROUGH a guy's cheek. One of them is attached into an onion in his mouth. The person who selects the skewer that frees the onion from the guy's mouth wins. Needless to say, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Here are our reactions -

Chris: EWWWW! Sick!
Gordon: Thats gross
Chris: Joshua
Gordon: Sohphie

Joshua does indeed free the onion, and Chris takes an early lead (Gordon 1, Chris 2).

Up next is Lady 1 Question - and she gets to interview Mr. Nick Carter. For how long will she be standing there? A. 0-30 seconds, B. 31-45 seconds, C. 45-60 seconds, D. over 60 seconds. Nick just gets under a minute - 57 seconds - which is right between my guess (B) and Chris's guess (D). (Gordon 1, Chris 2).

'Men of God, tongues of Fire' is the next game - Who can drink a cup of 88 degree centigrade (that's 190 degrees farenheight) quicker - Ian or Michael? Michael is a Charlton Heston fan - and I think that it gives me the edge on this one.

Chris: I never trust a Charlton Heston fan
Gordon: Charlton Heston fans are picky and stubborn

Well, trust him - Michael has the fortitude to finish the tea - and I have the fortitude to tie the score. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)

What can be so fun as a Dog Toilet Torment Challenge? We have 3 dogs who have drunk a lot of water - which one is the first to go? Jimmy, Mo or Willy? We didn't get to free Willy - Jimmy freed himself first. Too bad we both picked Mo. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)

It's commercial time - and here is the intelligent discussion that me and Chris have during the ads:

Chris: Why didn't he just go in that guy's shoe from last week?
Gordon: Because he's a stupid dog
Chris: No, that was the dog from last week
Gordon: They are all stupid dogs - dogs are stupid
Chris: What about Underdog?
Gordon: Thats a cartoon dog. Scoby Doo was much smarter than Underdog
Chris: Can Scooby fly?
Gordon: I didn't know flying was a prerequisite on intelligence
Chris: Can Scooby rhyme?
Gordon: No - but can Underdog sense and capture scary monsters?
Chris: Well, he can hear Polly Purebread sing for miles.

Jackie is a deadly hunter - and she is hunting a rubber lady doll. 5 Balloons will be set free - how many can Jackie shoot down? Jackie only has 5 shots. Jackie is very dangerous - she gets them all. After I guessed 2 - and was wrong - I wanted her to get them all so she can surpass Chris's guess of 4. She does, and I am happy. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)

The chair conundrum - we have 5 chairs - one of them will collapse. Which fat man will destroy the weak chair? (Chris - Fan-Man-Two? Isn't that an Asian capital?) I don't think so - and it's also wrong. Fat-man-one sits down - and me and Chris are both fat-man-wrong. (Gordon 2, Chris 2)

Chris: I believe we tied tonight
Gordon: Yepperz - 2-2
Chris: Ooooo, like-a kissing ya step-sista...
Gordon: I ain't kissing you

We end this one in a draw. No doubt there will be a round three - and maybe we can get Chico in for a Triple Threat Match. You listening, Chico?

April 7, 2004

FOX cancelled it because people found it too offensive. Comedy Central picked it up a year later because...well, it was too offensive...and they don't give a @#$% what people think! It's the return of BANZAI!

This is a recap of the show Gordon missed in the first run because of the sudden time change (see above). With him busy with a major project, I decided to step in...and HOPEFULLY goad one or more of the other writers into joining me for the next new ep (which should be Apr. 29).

THE LYING LITTLE LADY PUZZLE - Five little girls, all in a row. All wanting to win the Banzai Beauty Pageant. But ONE has broken the rules. See, one of those shes is a HE. Which one is it? My bet's on the brunette in sea-green (#4) but...when "BETTING ENDS!"'s not's not's #3, the blond in pink who's "da man", "da boy".

MR. SHAKE HANDS MAN: ANGELINA JOLIE - You know the drill; Mr. Shake Hands Man shakes hands while talking to a celeb and you bet on how long until the celeb takes his hand away from his sweaty palm. The celeb this time: "Tomb Raider"'s Angelina Jolie. Will she hang on for: A) 0-20 secs, B) 21-40, C) 41-60, D) 60-80 or E) 80-100? I say C just as (gong!) BETTING ENDS! He starts to shake...but Angelina lets go after 2.8 seconds to shake someone else's hand! They decide to let Mr. Shake Hands Man have another crack...and, the second time around, he shakes it...and shakes it...and shakes it (though NOT like a Polaroid picture). Ms. Jolie (Billy Bob Thorton by her side) holds for 67.4 seconds...or D) 61-80 seconds. Nuts...0-2. I *knew* I should've stayed at the jai alai fronton!

THE BLESSED BUCKET BET - Rabbi Weiss has to hold two metal buckets, each with three heavy holy books in it, out in front of him for as long as he can. When metal bucket hits metal platform, a red bulb lights and the time stops. Can he hold them up for A) less than 30 seconds, B) 31-40 seconds or C) 41 seconds to 5 minutes? The sucker bet is B...and I'm not THAT big a sucker! I chose C...the fellow looks pretty fly...for a rabbi. "BETTING ENDS!" Up go the buckets...he wobbles a bit around 30 seconds...but he makes it past 40 before his arms droop. He makes it to 55 secs, but it's more than 40, so C) is right. Yeah! I got one!

FANTASTIC ELASTIC BAND BET (Don't try this at home) - Mr. Peter and Mr. Nick will hold a rubber band in their teeth and pull back equal distances. Who will end up with a face full of rubber? I say...uh...Mister...NICK! BETTING ENDS! Mr. Peter pulls back to each zone quickly, while Mr. Nick is slow and methodical. They pull all the way back to the edges of the table...and Mr. Peter lets go! Mr. Nick gets a wicked stinger on his cheek...and and I go to .500 for the episode.

LADY ONE QUESTION: GENE SIMMONS - The lady asks one question to a celeb...then waits for him or her to run out of answer. How long will the leader singer of KISS, Gene Simmons, keep talking after Lady shuts up? Is it A) 0-30 seconds, B) 31-60 seconds or C) over a minute? Gene's a shouter, not a talker so I say "A)" as BETTING ENDS! Lady asks Gene about his next project...and it looks like Gene is PREPARED, because he plugs KISS condoms and cell phones for the camera. He's a little hesitant about leaving Lady after taking 40 seconds to answer but he finally splits after 58 seconds. I didn't guess B), so I'm 2-and-3. "Shout it out loud", Gene!

A HANGING MANHORSE MYSTERY - Neddy and Harold are two "manhorses" (two guys in one horse costume) who must each hang from two gymnastics rings for as long as possible. What one man can hold up himself, his "rear end" and a heavy cloth horse costume the longest? Harold is a hand or two taller than Neddy, but he could also be I place my first horse bet in years and bet on Harold. When BETTING ENDS, Neddy starts...and hangs on for 19 seconds. Now it's Harold's turn to win, place and show what he (or they) has (or have). He hangs...and hangs...and beats Neddy EASY! In fact, long after he's declared the winner, he drops (36 seconds for those scoring at home...or even if you're by yourselves).

SQUIRREL FISHING - Two scientists hide in a tree and use a fishing pole and a nut to try to lift a squirrel off the ground. Which squirrel will be pondering whether the law of gravity was repealed for a few seconds? Will it be A) Vangelis or B) Marzipan? Oy...flip a coin and say...Vangelis. BETTING ENDS...and the fishing begins. Both come close to becoming a flying squirrel for a second, but it's Vangelis who gets yanked up from being on two legs and launched about six feet. I'm 4-for-7 now.

THE BATTLE OF THE DISHONOURABLE MOTOR CAR CELEBRTIY BANDITS - "50 Cent" and "Eminem", two real car thieves (who obviously can't have their identities shown since the cops would find out and arrest the producers), must find a car and steal it without being noticed by anyone (but the camera crew, of course). Will the younger "50 Cent" do it faster or will the older "Eminem"? I think the cops should beat them BOTH to the punch...but I went with wisdom over youth and say "Eminem". BETTING ENDS! They both find cars at the same time and "Eminem" uses a "slim jim" for his shady entry. (Get it? Slim? Shady? Eminem?) "50 Cent" then proves his money's worth by getting in (and either the film is reversed or they're in England because both steering wheels are on the right side of the car). Anyway, the winner is the one who hotwires the car and drives away with it. It takes some time, but "Eminem" hauls ass...and I "Lose My Mind" because I'm 5-and-3, my best...Banzai outing...EVER!


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