Uglier Than a Mud
PREVIOUSLY ON THE AMAZING RACE...after
crossing the Atlantic to the site of the '06 Winter Olympics - Turin,
Italy - eight teams of Americans drove Fords around the "Motor
Coty of Italy", racing up a building and then rappelling down
it, finding a Tin Lizzie in a museum, cleaning statues and naming
salamis. But Art & JJ (Team Border Watch) found and completed
the FAST FORWARD and arrived at the PIT STOP in first, earning them
five grand each! Bopper & Mark (Sons of Anar-KY) made a boo-boo
with the flights over and came in last. But good news times two
for them: Art & JJ gifted the two good ol' boys half of the
10-Gs to help Bopper's child...AND it was the first N.E.L. of the
Race! So eight teams STILL remain on the quest for the million...who
will be sent home NEXT?!?
PIT STOP #4
0857 LOCAL TIME
Having won the last two Legs, there's
no DOUBT that Team Border Watch are psyched as they open the starting
clue of Leg 5:
MAKE YOUR WAY
TO THE OLDEST STATE IN GERMANY: BAVARIA!
Travel by train to Ehrwald,
Austria. Once there, take the marked cars and drive yourselves
across the border into Bavaria, the oldest of the German states,
and the town of Garmisch-Partenkirchen. Once there, find the
Gasthof zum Rassen restaurant (which opens at 8:30am local
time). You will find a number of Travelocity(TM) Roaming Gnomes(TM)
sitting around the tables. Look underneath each one until
you find your next clue. You MUST take the Gnome with you
for the rest of the Leg.
They feel that, as friends
and not lovers or married or the like, it's MUCH easier for them
to dominate as they can tell each others' faults with little consequence.
They take the Ford they had all last Leg to the Porta Nuova train
station and get the skinny on choo-choos to Austria. Since they
are 2 1/2 hours ahead of the second-place team, they get the train
all to themselves...no "Great Equalizer" this time.
Meanwhile, the other teams
get their clues and head off. Their departure times (local zone)
Rachel & Dave (Team Yellow Ribbon): 1133
Joey "Fitness" & Danny (Team Clubbers): 1211
Vanessa & Ralph (Team It's Complicated!): 1227
Nary & Jamie (Party In the CIA): 1256
Brendon & Rachel (Team Oh, Brother!): 1318
Kerri & Stacy (Team Double Trouble): 1558
Bopper & Mark: 1754
The Army couple and the
"Jersey boys" take off on one train, the divorcees, Feddies
and reality-show couple on another. Over two hours later, the cousins
get to the train...and, as darkness falls, the Sons of Anar-KY finally
leave - though still feeling "down but not out" - on the
10-hour trek to...
0430 LOCAL TIME
The "Great Equalizer" doesn't
EXACTLY strike...but Bopper & Mark DO catch up to the other
teams (save the three leading teams) and are now feeling REALLY
pumped as they await the next train to...
0630 LOCAL TIME
Art & JJ head for their car (while
it's still dark). They realize the restaurant doesn't open until
8:30am...but they feel it could take that long to FIND the place.
An indeterminate amount of time later, the two teams from the second
train arrive and get in their cars (cranking up the heat, I'm sure)
and follow the leaders to...
zum RASSEN (INN for RACES)
As it turns out, the place was more-or-less
right across the border from Ehrwald, so finding the restaurant
was easy...and thus Team Border Watch gets to sit back and watch
as Team Yellow Ribbon and Team Clubbers arrive. At 8:30, the oom-paa-paa
music kicks up (courtesy of the "Happy Bavarians" band)
inside the restaurant and the doors open for the six Americans.
Around one table is a bunch of lawn gnomes of the official prize
packager of trips for the show. They all pick one of them up and
read their next clue:
or CHAMPION MALE
FAIRY TALE: Time to become
Hansel & Gretel! In the town of Oberammergau, follow a
trail of gingerbread to the Witch's house, picking up pieces
as you go. When you arrive at the Witch's house, finish constructing
the roof of a gingerbread house with the pieces you have gathered.
Then place the roof on the gingerbread house and decorate
it to receive your next clue from the Witch.
CHAMPION MALE: Time to get
extreme! In the town of Unterammergau, prepare a man for a
traditional Bavarian competition: extreme beard styling. Once
the beard is styled to his specifications, you will receive
your clue from the reigning World Champion!
All three teams decide
to style some facial hair. As they head off, the last train from
Innsbruck arrives and the other five teams. Bopper reminds Mark
about the upcoming SPEED BUMP they accured form finish last in the
previous Leg and hope they can finish that quickly and stay in the
UNTERAMMERGUA, BAVARIA, GERMANY
Rachel & Dave are first to arrive
at the ersatz stying salon and find a mess of men with a LOT of
hair on their chins. they choose one of the few with a white beard
and check out the pictures to see what it's SUPPOSED to look like.
Dave is confident in Rachel because she "has experience with
blow dryers, curling irons, hair spray" and the like. And it
seems that she's taking command, putting mousse on the whiskers
and put curlers on them and telling Dave to do the same on the other
side. As they give the guy a very small "mohawk" on top,
Joey "Fitness" and Danny arrive. They pick the man with
the longest beard...which ends up being one of the most elaborate
styles! But, hey, they use a lot of gel in their OWN hair so...a
little gel, a little spray and a LOT of blow drying should do the
trick, right? Then Art & JJ arrive and start on THEIR Bavarian
version of "manscaping". They pick a short-bearded man
named Fritz and...they feel weird about the whole experience. But...JJ
has a LOT of "product" in his own backpack so...he knows
a thing or two.
Back in the main town, Kerri &
Stacy promtply get lost searching for the restaurant and the arguing
ensues over navigation. As such, it is the Sons of Anar-KY that
arrive first. But...before they can pick out Gnomes, there's a LITTLE
matter of a:
Having been spared elimination
in the last Leg, you have now incurred a Speed Bump which
must be completed before continuing on the Leg.
For this task, you must participate
in the traditional Alpine art of yodelling. Listen CAREFULLY
to the yodelling experts in the band and do your best to mimic
their style and tune. When the male expert believes you have
mastered it, he will hand you your next clue and you may continue
in hopes of making up for lost time.
As they suit up in lederhosen,
Vanessa & Ralph arrive and pick up their Gnome in 4th, choosing
CHAMPION MALE for their DETOUR. Bopper & Mark have a blast with
their extra task (like they have a choice). And, actually, Mark
didn't do to bad with his part. Bopper, on the other hand...not
Back at the salon, Art
& JJ are the first to announce they're complete. The World Champion
comes over, checks the beard on the man with the beards in the photos...and
they get the thumbs up! They depart the DETOUR in first with this
FIND THE INSPIRATION
FOR SLEEPING BEAUTY'S CASTLE!
You know Sleeping Beauty's
Castle in Disneyland? Well, the design had to come from SOMEWHERE...and,
strangely enough, it's here! Ask around to find where it is
(which is Neuschwanstein Castle in Hohenschwangau), go there
and head for Ludwig's bedroom to find your next clue.
And away they go in first
again. A friendly local gives them directions to the next village
over which holds the castle. As they drive off, Bopper & Mark
finish their yodelling session and are free to continue to the DETOUR.
As they're changing, though, Nary & Jamie and Brendan &
Rachel arrive in 5th & 6th. Initially, they both choose CHAMPION
MALE...but Brendan convinces Rachel to do FAIRY TALE instead as
they know exactly squat about beard styling. Right behind them are
Kerri & Stacy in 7th, who choose FAIRY TALE. So the Sons of
Anar-KY leave in last, choosing FAIRY TALE as well.
Team Yellow Ribbon gets
a (seemingly reluctant) nod from the Champ and leave the DETOUR
in 2nd. Team Clubbers ask for a ruling...and they get a "no,
no, no" from the Champ (good thing it was in English or he'd
sound like Herman Cain >). As they get back to business wetting
down the beard and trying again, Team It's Complicated! gets out
of the snow and gets to work.
The weekly "how dumb
is Rachel" moment comes when she says she thought they were
in BOLIVIA instead of BAVARIA. And this girl won a half-million,
y'all. Team Double Trouble compare the weather to a Christmas song.
Both teams arrive at the start of the trail and look for a trunk
where the baskets are held. However,...they completely miss it!
But Bopper & Mark don't; they grab the basket and start collecting
gingerbread on the ground. Once they have enough to fill the basket,
they head on the trail. The other two FINALLY find the trunk, grab
the baskets and work together to grab gingerbread and TRY to catch-up.
Back at the salon, Joey
"Fitness" & Danny get the thumbs-down again by the
Champ while Vanessa & Ralph work on their own man slowly but
confidently. When Party In the CIA show up, things get VERY tense
for the boys from Jersey. But, thankfully, they get an "OK"
from the Champ the third time around and leave the DETOUR in 3rd.
Team It's Complicated! then asks for a ruling...and THEY leave in
Bubble, bubble, toil and...oh,
wait, wrong witch. But the Witch IS stirred a bubbling cauldron
of...something...when Sons of Anar-KY show up at the house decorated
with the story of Hansel & Gretel. The mens' laughs are ALMOST
as creepy as the Witch's! They take the pieces they gathered and
glue them (with edible glue, I suppose) to the roof that they first
stick on top of the house, making them sort of like gingerbread
shingles. As they get half-way done, Team Oh, Brother! and Team
Double Trouble arrive and start on THEIR houses. While Brendon &
Rachel try to fit the pieces together, Kerri & Stacy actually
CUT the pieces to MAKE them fit.
Art & JJ arrive at
the castle made as a retreat for King Ludwig II and as an homage
to Richard Wagner...and, truth be told, I can see where the castle
in the MOVIE "Sleeping Beauty" may've been inspirated
by this...but it looks NOTHING like the Disneyland (aside from it
NOT being pink). Anyway, after parking, they decide to take a horse-drawn
carriage up to the castle-proper as a) it's not against the rules
in the clue and b) it's a lot safer than walking or running up the
slippery road. Meanwhile, Rachel & Dave lose their way to said
castle and get mad at each other. And Vanessa & Ralph ALMOST
go to the WRONG castle (Hohenschwangau Castle is the equivalent
to "across the road" from Neuschwanstein) but Vanessa
thinks Neuschwanstein looks more like one out of a fairy tale. They
and Team Clubbers both arrive and start to walk up the path...though
Vanessa is against it initially and the argument continues all the
way up the path.
Back at the DETOUR, Nary
& Jamie finish their Extreme Makeover: Facial Edition and depart
in 5th. And at the OTHER one, the three teams still work on their
gingerbread houses. Mark tries to butter-up the Witch with sweet
words, even though she's ugly as sin warmed over. Kerri's hands
are numb while trying to make the house look beautiful, REALLY wanting
to be the first ones out.
At the castle, Team Border
Watch arrive and take in the majesty of this ancient royal home...or,
at least, they take in as much as they CAN while climbing up the
steps to Luwig's budoir and find the clue box right under a crucifix.
And the clue reads:
TIME FOR A
Drive yourselves to the town
of Füssen and search for the Bundesleistungszentrum für
Eishockey und Curling. Once there, make your way to Halle
2 (BLZ 2) to find your next clue.
The men are a LITTLE intimidated
by the LONG name of the place...but they jog down the path, still
admiring the beauty of the castle. And, of course, they pass by
Joey "Fitness" & Danny and Vanessa & Ralph along
the way. And, of course, the two are STILL arguing; Ralph for the
girl to move as he now knows they're in third and Vanessa complaining
about being in the cold and taking it out on the guy. (Any WONDER
these two had divorces?! SHEESH!) Anyway, the teams eventually get
to the castle (and Joey confuses Sleeping Beauty with Rapunzel)
and head for the hockey/curling rink in second and third respectively.
The Witch goes to Team
Double Trouble's house and looks it over. With the promise of the
cousins that the house WILL attract children for the Witch's dinner,
the Witch hands them the clue, allowing them to leave the DETOUR
in 6th. The Sons' of Anar-KY's house looks a BIT uglier...but the
Witch gives them the clue anyway (with Bopper giving the hag a hug
AND a kiss on the cheek....BLECK!) and they leave in 7th. And, of
course, being in last brings out the WORST in Rachael and she starts
to cry...again. Still, they finish the house and depart in last.
Rachel & Dave find
their way...but to the WRONG CASTLE! They go to Hohenschwangau and
climb the stairs and find they have to wait for a tour in English
to begin. Fortunately for them, Party In the CIA likewise chooses
the wrong castle. They start the tour together...and are VERY anxious
to find the bedroom. (And, no, that is NOT a euphanism!)
FOR ICE HOCKEY AND CURLING
Art & JJ drive straight
up to the clue box and ram right into a:
TO PUT IT ON ICE?
One member of each team must
use Roaming Gnomes in a 16th century game called "Eisstock-Schiessen"
(which is essentially curling). Place a Gnome base-down on
the ice and slide towards a bullseye in the ice. You must
shoot twice before clearing the ice and trying again. When
a professional player deems that the base has touched ANY
PART of the bullseye, he will hand you your next clue.
JJ decides to do it and
is coached by Art. First slide is two hard, second gets in the blue
SURROUNDING the bullseye...though Art thinks it's a winner at first.
Back at Hohenschwangau
Castle, the tour continues. There's a fancy bedroom...but no clue
box. But then the tour guide tells them about Neuschwanstein. Uh,...woops.
As they race down the steps and out of the parking lot, who should
show up but Kerri & Stacy? And right behind THEM...Bopper &
Mark. But, before they can wait for the tour, Kerri gets confirmation
that this is NOT the right castle for Sleeping Beauty and race back
down...just as Brendon & Rachel arrive at the RIGHT castle.
And then the boys learn that, extensively, "the princess is
in another castle".
Back on the ice, JJ continues
to slip-slide away...and curses every time it misses the target.
He tries again...and THIS time it lands almost COMPLETELY on the
bullseye! This Race is just TOO EASY for these guys! The pro gives
them this clue:
MAKE YOUR WAY
TO THE NEXT PIT STOP!
Drive yourselves (and your
Gnome) to Beim Landhannes (Landhannes Farm) in Schwangau-Horn,
a 200-yead-old working dairy farm and the PIT STOP for this
Leg of the Race.
WARNING! The last team to
check-in MAY BE ELIMINATED!
As they DEPART the ROADBLOCK,
Team Clubbers ARRIVE and Danny decides to play slide-a-gnome. Much
like JJ, the first shot was too hard and the second was MISTAKEN
for a bullseye at first. Still, they're not pressured since there's
no other teams in the rink. Carefully, Danny shoves the Gnomes...and
one of them edges the bullseye, allowing them to leave for the PIT
STOP in 2nd. And as THEY leave, Team It's Complicated! (who apparantly
have calmed down) arrives and Ralph chooses to do it. Inside, Vanessa
says, "I'm mad at you, but I love you." Ralph at FIRST
blows it off...but a kiss for luck from Vanessa calms him down more.
At least THEY'RE not confused about what's the bullseye and what's
Back at the RIGHT castle,
three other teams find Ludwig's bedroom and grab the clue to the
ice rink; Rachel & Dave in 4th, Nary & Jamie in 5th and
Brendon & Rachel in 6th. An exhausted Bopper & Mark continue
a death march up the slope...and Kerri & Stacy apparantly lost
The moos are plentiful
at this small but humble farm and the two border partrol agents
run right through the dairy itself to hit the mat in front of Phil
and the local. And, for the third straight time, Phil has the honor
of naming Team Border Watch as Team #1! This time, the boys are
off to Thailand for five nights, cpmplete with rock-climbing and
snorkeling adventures. Phil then respectfully requests that the
team withdraw from the Race to "give the other teams a chance"
(funny...he didn't ask those snowboarders to do that LAST Race).
Art & JJ say they will...IF Phil gives them the million right
Ralph's next shot is just
a HAIR in front of the bullseye. He asks the pro if he can hit THAT
Gnome with ANOTHER...and the pro says that's part of the sport so
sure. And, sure enough, with a light but firm push, Ralph's second
Gnome hits the first one into the bullseye. Team It's Complicated!
departs for the farm in third...
...just as Team Clubbers
check-in as Team #2...and Team Double Trouble find the clue to the
ROADBLOCK in 6th.
And the Sons of Anar-KY...they're
still huffin' and puffin' up the road. When they get to the castle,
Bopper is thoroughly exhausted and praying to God for the strength
to go on. As they take the last clue, they felt they weren't going
to survive THIS time...but would stay in it until the very end.
At the rink, Nary &
Jamie just KNOW it'll be curling and Nary opts to do it. You'd think
federal agents would be GOOD at hitting targets. Yeah, well,...not
the ones on ice and not without bullets, it seems. When Team Oh,
Brother! arrive, Brendon decides to do the task. Rachel of Team
Yellow Ribbon chooses to "put it on the ice" when they
And, as the three teams
play Gnome Curling, Vanessa & Ralph check-in as Team # 3. Vanessa
says they're good at "letting things go"...but, if he
b*tches at her again, he's dead! Ain't love grand?.
Rachel gets in the same
position as Ralph was: with a Gnome right in front of the bullseye.
So, like Ralph, she sends the second Gnome to nudge the first one
home...and, like Ralph, she succeeds! Team Yellow Ribbon departs
in fourth...much to the shock and displeasure of the other teams.
Fortunately for Team Oh, Brother!, Brendon quickly gets a bullseye
and leaves in 5th. This does NOT suit Party In the CIA well. And,
what's MORE, Kerri & Stacy have showed up with Kerri pushing
gnomes. And here comes Bopper & Mark as well, with Bopper INSISTING
that Mark do it (he's still winded). .
Rachel & Dave are
Team #4 (TIED FOR BIGGEST DROP OF THE LEG).
Mark shoves a Gnome hard...and
Bopper yells at it to stop on the bullseye...and it DOES! They leave
As dusk starts to fall,
Brendon & Rachel (quite literally) slip onto the mat and are
checked-in as Team #5.
Two all-female teams slowly
keep shoving Gnomes down the ice and keep missing the bullseye.
Nary gets VERY close several times but no cigar after over 180 slides.
Kerri doesn't seem to be doing well but she's only had about 70
slides. Who will be the first to get the Gnome home and stave off
It's KERRI! And she's
so very...excited, as is Stacy! They leave in 7th...and Party In
the CIA ain't partying any more. They can't believe they arrived
at the ROADBLOCK in 4th...and will be leaving in last! Still, Jamie
stays positive, feeling they can still follow directions better
and BEAT them them. At about shove 190, the Gnome just BARELY touches
the bullseye...but, hell, it touches! They leave and hope for the
Sure enough, Team Double
Trouble ask for directions to Schwangau-Horn from a nearby local.
And, of course, Kerri screws it up. Nary & Jamie seem to be
taking the right route.
Bopper & Mark are
happier than pigs in mud when Phil proclaims them Team #6! (BEST
IMPROVEMENT OF THE LEG) They left it all on the Leg and plan
on doing it again and again, not giving up for ANYTHING!
That leaves both all-girl
teams still on the road, looking for signs and praying they're reading
them right. As night closes in, two women open the door to the dairy,
run up to Phil and the mat...and Phil states...
"Nary & Jamie,
you are Team #7!" (TIED FOR BIGGEST DROP OF THE LEG)
And there was MUCH rejoicing! (Yeah...).
For the cousins when they
arrive, not so good news. They're last...and they're going home.
They blame bad navigation...and they feel bad because they wanted
to do so much for their families. But...they made it THIS far...further
than MOST people thought, they're sure. At least their kids can
look at their mothers and know they can be as awesome someday.
AFTER LEG 5:
TURIN, ITALY to BAVARIA, GERMANY via AUSTRIA
1) Art & JJ
(EVEN) - Bahamas, $2500, Thailand
2) Joey "Fitness" & Danny (+1)
3) Vanessa & Ralph (+1)
4) Rachel & Dave (-2) - Express Pass (USED), Grenada
5) Brendon & Rachel (+1)
6) Bopper & Mark (+2) - $2500 [gifted by Art & JJ]
7) Nary & Jamie (-2)
ELIMINATED) Kerri & Stacy (-1) (8th)
ELIMINATED) Elliot & Andrew (9th)
ELIMINATED) Dave & Cherie (10th)
ELIMINATED) Misa & Maiya (11th)
To see this episode in
its entirety, or to apply to be a contestant on "The Amazing Race",
visit the official website at